I am CRAZZZieeee!!!

In spite of seeking advise from Sg. Buloh er-jie, who strongly discourage me to bring a 6mo baby along to UK travel, I still can't imagine any other way. And I've been reading and thinking of all the possibilities, till the extend of my brain getting too heavy...

I need to bring my baby along wherever I go, no matter how far and how troublesome it would be, because I need to breastfeed the baby! You know, for all nursing mothers, if baby is not with you, you need to pump milk. Well I can bring a manual pump, but how about milk storage?! Between choosing to nurse a cranky baby vs manually express milk 6 times a day (without baby direct latching) - obviously former wins.

There is a risk for baby falling sick, due to low immune system at merely 6 months old. I'm not sure about that... how about the chances of baby NOT falling sick? There's a risk of jeopardizing baby's schedule... what's a schedule for baby?! Milk - sleep - play - poo cycle. I can bf baby anywhere in the plane, in the car, in the park, in the hotel... Baby can sleep on my body with my baby carrier, can sleep in the bassinet, can sleep in the baby carseat, ... Seriously WHY do I NOT see it as troublesome?!!

You will gain amazing experience and its all in the mindset that you CAN do it!

Will I regret about the bad things that might happen to baby because I decided to bring baby along with me to travel half way round the globe? How about asking, will I regret NOT bring baby? Will I regret NOT travelling at all?

Hubby says "you think you'll have no chance to travel next time?" I tell you what... what is "next time?" How many 38-year-old do you get in your life? When you talk about money investment or insurance - time is money. You start save or invest early, you reap more $$$ in the long term. Talking about travelling, its not like I'm travelling for the benefit of myself only. I'm bringing my MOTHER and mother-in-law ALONG to their fave destination. I know I can just send them to join another travel agency traveling all the way by coach. It's different! My mom will surely complain about all the walking she need to do.... but since I'm PLANNING for the trip with my mom's physique in mind, I want her to ENJOY the trip, with the least walking to do, and least lugging the suitcase around.

She may complain about the hassle of having to care for a small baby while travelling, but me having to lug a baby along will surely slow me down, and perhaps my mom would be able to keep up my 'slower pace'!

So what if I try to imagine myself travelling "next time"... when baby is older... that's when my elder son would have started formal school, thereby lesser window of opportunity to fit in a summer holiday to the northern or southern hemisphere.

Why can't I travel without the kids?! Would I want to mafan other ppl to take care of my own kids while I go on holiday to enjoy myself?!! My kids will miss me... i will miss my kids... I think I still can afford to bring them along in my trips.

Yeah... I must be one hell of a crazy mummy. I may go down as worst mummy ever... and that's just who I am, and how my brain and emotions are wired. I'm soooo immensely thankful that I have my kids, and its easy to get pregnant for me, and my kids are a part my life now, until they're 18yo.

At end of it all - I can share with you, whether it was bad or good experience. I may be able to write a book about it... If i didn't go, no experience to write about... life is just a mundane same routine, what do I live for? 

Will i am

I want to write a Will, maybe after baby girl is born where her IC and passport is made. 

I want to write a Will where all my inheritance goes to my eldest son and my youngest daughter (yes I know I'll only have 2). 

I don't like the idea of leaving any inheritance to my husband. Maybe because I've been the breadwinner of the family, and he earns less than half of my income. Should I leave this world before him, he doesn't have the luxury to spend the money that I've earned. 

There is however 1 property (G-Residence) that is under his name, but merely using his name with my brother, co-financed by 4 people where I'm the 1/4 financer. Should we sell off G-Residence at RM1mil then I'll get RM250K from there. 

I've recently purchased a property - Cemara - at Equine Park at RM280K. I hope to sell it off after 10 years to reap about RM500K if possible to finance Ariya's tertiary education overseas. It would be a lie if I said I don't have hopes for my children. At the very least, I wish to give them options when they finish their secondary school. 

(I vividly recall this conversation my mom had with me when I was only form 3 - "Dont dream of going overseas to study, your parents don't have the money, your only option is local Uni") 

I was a dreamer since as young as I could remember. I aced in my geography. I knew many of the capital cities of the worlds, I had a world map stuck on my wall during my childhood years.

What is RM500K in the future in the year 2030? What can Ariya choose to study and where can he go with just RM500K in 2030? 

Then comes my baby girl, how can I not keep aside some money for her as well to have the opportunity to choose what she wants to study! Would I sound unfair if I were to only give her RM250K? 

I think when I retire at 55yo, my EPF would have about RM400K. Should I maintain good health and have the good karma to a long life, assume I live up to 80yo, and no holiday trip ever, I can only spend up to RM1300 per month.

I would not hope for my children to give me allowance in my old age. If my body is still able, I want to live a independent life. I can even renounce to be a nun or be an engaged-Buddhist social worker.

Back to my husband, should I really be gone before him, and after my 2 kids are well tucked in a good university and I still have some extra $$$.... I don't mind giving him some, not for his daily BAU expenditure. It has to be something meaningful and enriching to his self-development. 

I want him to use the extra $$$ to either expand his business, or to invest in himself (ie. attend coaching / self-development training). Does he really know himself... does he even have a goal in his life, if he doesn't need a goal in life, and can live everyday with only a weekly / monthly plan, might as well become a monk! 

I remember he wanted to buy a house with me, way back then when we were dating. That's about it. Later I initiated marriage. Later I influence him to have 1 child. Then much later influence for 2nd child. Travel to Japan, Taiwan, HongKong? I came up with the idea. There would be trips that he'd go without me, they are usually trips planned by an organisation, not his own initiative, not his own novelty.   

It's quite a waste of my hard earn money, to leave it for such kind of personality to have no meaningful purpose for his life. If he can come out with a great business proposal, if he can start up something (doesn't matter if he will succeed or not), if he were to attend training courses to better himself - why not go for it. I wish my whatever little $ left can be used optimally.

Sigh.. If he were to read this, he would surely feel sore and flare up. That is his default reaction to my words and thoughts, no matter how nicely or gently I put my words... he doesn't take it positively or happily. Its like the existance of me makes him melancholy. 

But I'm sure the non-existance of me would not necessary make him bright and joyful. What am I writing a suicide note? Puhleaseee..... The zero-melancholy eccentric person that I am? 

I am writing this... because I'm ready to die.