~ Free Willy ~

~*~ 1996-2004 ~*~

Willy has been with our family for many years, he has always been there all through my brother's growing up years since he was 9 or 10 yo. Now my brother is 22. Am sure my brother is so sad now, he said the dog waited for him to return home last evening from his work-trip for nearly a week. And this morning my bro found him lying the grass outside the house, probably after I left for work.

Remember one day Willy followed my brother to school which is nearby, and it sat behind his classroom obidently, inside the classroom! This is how the whole school came to knew about Willy the dog. When my brother was younger, there were lotsa kids around the neighbourhood who'll come play with Willy, and call him ~Free Willy~. As Willy simply roam freely, sometimes he'll get lost somewhere, and return home the next day.

Once, Willy went missing for days but not too long later, he was found by a kind lady samaritan who sent Willy home to us! It's a miracle how she did that, through the dog license on Willy's neck! She found Willy in Taman Megah, in another neighhourhood! Hmm.. how did Willy ended up in Taman Megah??

Maybe Willy wanted to search for his parents? My brother 'found' a puppy wandering around in Taman Megah, many years ago when he went to play basketball there. Then my bro brought him home, and without much thought named the puppy Willy - yeah, after the movie ~Free Willy~ that we all loved to watch so much when we're younger.

My dad would call the dog Silly Willy, because at times, or most of the time, he behaves really silly. Like barking at the wrong people, or chasing after cars although he's too fat to run fast, or stare at you when you're eating your nasi lemak.

Yes! Willy loves to eat Nasi Lemak! He could smell your bought home packets of nasi lemak, sometimes we'll buy another packet for Willy to eat too ~ he'll finish even the last bit of rice of the nasi lemak packet!! Yes, its quite spicy too!

The fleas in my house is ... uncountable... Willy is seldom bathed... cos well, like father like son! I would say Willy is a buddhist dog probably because he seems to "know" when my dad is praying, or when he knows either one of the house members is back, he'll stretch his whole body with the hands reached out front, in bowing position to greet us!

I guess we'll all be praying & wishing for Willy, if not to be born in heaven, (remember the cartoon? ) then may Willy be well & happy wherever he may be.

To get over your bestfriend

Seriously how do I start this.

Should I not even share this really personal story with anyone of you. Who are you anyway? Who am I referring to when I write about what is on my mind? Why do I have seperate mind for seperate people?

There is always this fear inside me to allow too many people to read my mind. There is even no logic in me writing a diary that is displayed publicly!

But what goes through my mind day in day out, eventhough I have no more clue, no more idea, no more faith, no more hope, still I'd check on my estranged bestfriend's blog. It is also through my thirst for curiosity that I 'found' her blog.

What I'm more appalled at, is I stumbled upon her thoughts on her spiritual growth, through the path not of my same faith. Do not dismiss me as a bigot, but I feel anybody who could judge me should try to stand in my shoe before proceeding. Of course shouldn't I be practising non-judgement towards J (the girl I thought I once knew) too?

If I cry myself saying that I'm not judging her, then why should I be bothered about her choices in life? This falls back to the crap I wrote before - why should I care? But what if I do care? Sometimes, it becomes difficult for people to really understand me, when I do not seem to care, but yet somehow I cared too much, resulting the secret hurt inside?

Actually there's nothing much really to ditch about, or it'll give you the impression that I am truly a pain in the ass. Yet, I'm blessed with good friends, great family, positive outlook of life that doesn't sink me into depression, not at all. It is only my incapacity to comprehend fully the nature of distinct human behaviour, that doesn't fit into my straightforward earthy mind.

With my imaginative mind, I knew it could come to a day when I had to 'breakup' with my bestfriend, due to our vast differences. Come to think of it, there's nothing much in common that we both strongly share that could really bring us together for the sake of it. Not when her mind is so left-wing, and I'm so right-wing (for example), and how when people grow up, we just grew further apart. The more I want to care for her, the more heartache I feel when she doesn't know a clue whatsoever that is in my mind.

She went on growing up, of course its not a bad thing. While I remain stagnant, not that I got stucked in my growth in wisdom or experience, but I remain resilient in defending change of growth. To some extend, I'm perceived to be stubborn to let anything get in my way of controlling my life. Living by the motto, I control my life & not let life control me. That is the exact opposite of the motto J had lived. She just lives and let lives, go with the flow and allow herself to be evolved from one phase to another.

As we go through life, there are various approaches and different mindset that we bring along. Some like her, enjoying the moment of love she so cherish most, living life the way she wants to, uncompromising, feeling not guilty of affecting the people around her, forsaking more important things (only in my opinion) for the glory of love (of one man & God).

I will probably never understand her, and neither will she even know the shielded me. But I do pine for her pain when she return her 'home' so fearful to her, that threatens to disown her should she not obey. Not obey her family who couldn't accept her other half & her new faith.

There will be so much suffering that I could see for her future. She without any family support, without old friends cushioning her if she were to fall, running towards heavenly father's gate tied together with a string to only her man and her faith. That string is very short, and not expanding. Her circle of true friends will consist of people whom she wants to listen to, most highly of the same faith. Her dreams must have changed, not of that of a young silly girl that she herself knew off.

To go out, to live the way you wanted, following the path of the sweetest road, not appreciating the route you've walked thus far, and not holding on to the people that didn't want to walk the sweet road with you. Very brave I should say. Nobody has ever walked that new path, where some people perceived to be dangerous, as humans are fearful of the unknown and uncertainty.

I must be a coward, to be afraid of growing out of my shell. To taste the sunsweet beauty of the alternative road untried. Should I congratulate her? The girl I sincerely wish for all the best for her? Or should I stand here and wait to see that one day she'd regret the path of road she's chosen (tsk tsk tsk, how bad is that thought). I cant afford the draining energy of wondering & worrying. I must walk my path too, for my life I owe to. I love myself, more than I love her. I couldn't bear the cost of pain inside me to see her drift so much further away from me. I must ignore. Hopefully time could heal the emptiness inside.

Fulfilment of joy and vowing to live up to my journey of life, I seek to let her go. And really really wave goodbye, to see her travel so far away in the sweet road, I couldn't even see her shadow anymore. I continue my path, hiking on the straight road, to gain my own experience through my journey.

Parting is such sweet sorrow... just let it go. Let bygones be bygones.

~strolling on my journey, by myself~
MJ

Stuff I write when I'm bored in the office

Bored?! Can you believe that a hyperactive girl like me can feel "bored" at work?! Actually what is "work" here, seriously when there is no work for me. Call me a failure in choice of profession. I dont think Technical Support is a qualified profession at all!

How nice if I can be a full time volunteer staff at some non-profit organisation, something like working for the United Nations or even Tzu-Chi Merit Buddhist society for that matter! Getting paid while doing social work, now that is what would seriously bring out the best in me - I reckon. Better than wasting time in this cold office, of a government building, supporting the ESM system which is nothing much of a value for this non-business oriented environment.

Seriously why am I even in this field? Can I change job?! Something more interesting like photojournalism, or just being a journalist covering news from all around the world. Or maybe a full time social worker, providing aids to poverty stricken nations... but am I like NATO? - no action, talk only.

Well, who knows sometimes, after enough working experience, I may get accepted in any of the UN's body or affliated agencies. Who knows I can pledge my service for an international Buddhist organisation which require people like me! :P I can read and write in English, converse averagely in Mandarin and Cantonese - something I must really brush up the skill - always ready to help in any kind.

I can coordinate stuff, conduct games or activities for youth or kids, plan for events and programmes. What kind of career or line of profession can suit my preference or talent?!

I'm a Virgo. With that type of personality which is service-oriented. Even in my current job, I'm providing Technical Support or consulting services for the client as and when needed. But with my hectic busy lifestyle, feeling relax in the office when no support is required bores the hell out of me!!! Why is my teamlead not pushing me for work?? Well, somehow the client is a complacent lot, and there's no SLA to live up to. So I do or I dont do, nobody cares. As long as I'm physically sitting here in the office, shows I'm alright. But am I good?! Could I be better?! I wish I could be better - change to a more challenging job!

Salim is gone, he's found himself a more challenging position, wish him all the best in his career advancement. I do want to climb the corporate ladder and become a consultant or be a teamlead atleast! But before that, everybody has gotta start from the bottom right? Unless I've got cable to the corporations. Eyeing to become a manager? Hmm... well if I'm competent enough to be a project manager, I think I could be an entreprenuer and be my own boss! Which is better, be a big corporate figure or be my own boss of a small company? hmmm :)

Along this professional corporate path, I do sincerely wish I could divert myself, be really useful for the social development of the world. Wish I could help bring love and peace for Palestine, wish there will be no more torture outraged against women or young girls stucked in the uncivilized backward nations. While we're enjoying the fruits of our good Karma, there's so many people suffering and crying for our help, can we help them?

Without money, can we still sustain our livelihood and be of good service to others who truly need our help? How much money should I be earning, how big the figure should be on my paycheck when I become my own boss? What can I do with all the money that I can earn?

Do I want to continue sitting here and "think" about what I can do, or just work out a plan and work hard for it. To pledge myself to do what I wish I could do? Do I want to bow down to society and feel sorry for myself for following the boring route of the rat race? Does escaping the rat race really means financial freedom? Is financial freedom the goal of my life? Why should I say "to have financial freedom, is to be worry free" when I know I am already living a worry-free life now?

Worry free becos of my apathetic attitude, in better terms - Upekkha in the practising. Upekkha means equanimity, or accepting things for just the way they are. Of course you may find me tormented by thought of my estranged best-friend, well who can blame me, any Cancer will know that a breakup with your bestfriend is harder to cope with a breakup with your boyfriend! There's nothing more I could say about her, as it's so over and gone. She's probably getting married early next year, without parents blessings, without her exbestfriends to support her. Everybody tells me that "why should I care" and "you cannot tell your friend what to do"... these words doesn't make sense to me, ever.

There is a war in Iraq - why should I care? Although I cant do anything, seriously I care. I care about recyling your bottles and aluminium cans. Energy is depleting each day as the world advances from history to future. People can only see the things infront of them, or see things that they only want to see... but can people see through people? Can people see more than what people can do, if given the right chance and choices? But who can tell, what is right or wrong, everybody has to experience the fall and success of their own cause. Who am I to influence other people's choices?

But what if I could? Should I be doing something? I know you're walking on this path, and I see a hole infront of you, that you may fall into it, but because your eyesight is only focus on one other direction, you cant see the hole below... should I stop you? Should I let you fall? Who knows it's just a small hole, that wouldn't hurt much if you do fall. Let you learn from your own mistake? What if the hole was really dangerously deep?

What if you see a van on the road moving very fast towards the direction a little boy in the middle of the road... would you rush out to risk your own life to carry the boy away from danger? Who am I to ask such stupid questions, would I have rush out to save the boy?

The answer is either, you would or you could.

People who know me, will know what is my answer. One friend always emphasized to me on placing priorities in my life. I do not have a fix priority list - everyone is important. Given if my dad, my mom, my brother or my ex-bestfriend drowning in the sea, I would try save everyone. Couldn't I? I know how to swim, problem is do I have enough strenght?

My friend wanted to have a BBQ, yet he is lazy to organise. Who came to the rescue? Why should I care? Why bother thinking of who to buy what or who to drive?

At end of this piece of crap... now I call it crap, because it went out of no where. No wonder I score badly in composition. I do not have a point! No wonder i titled my blog name ...whatsmypoint...

~end~

Now that the camp is over

If this blog can be viewed by my Incovar friends, than I dont think I want to write in detail what were all the thoughts that went through my mind before, during and after the camp!

But basically there is nothing shameful to hide, as most of my thoughts were positive and sweet. What I do not know how to share, is how to reach out to not-so-Buddhistic friends who may be turned off by the mention of a Buddhist camp, thus I'm afraid of being pre-judged by people.

A good thing to note is that, there were 2 Christians participants in our camp, and it would be interesting to find out what makes them want to join our camp in the first place! I personally do not know any Christian who would care to join Incovar, as even my own school / uni friends or even my cousins were not interested.

There is a saying in Buddhism, "Ehipassiko" which means come and see. It is this essence of Buddhism which encourages self-discovery & personal exploration of life's experiences that makes me nonchalant in evangelizing. :P Which means, our doors are always open for you to discover and learn, all the teachings in understanding the mind, our human nature and the noble truths. There is no need for me to preach and irritate people, but there is this inkling desire inside me, that wants to shout out to the whole wide world - Incovar rocks!

In INCOVAR, we inspire... because we value individual expression, we treasure unity in diversity, and we nurture a family in the Dhamma.

I had a really good time in catching up with Tym and Muy Gaik, I could hardly see them in real life, if they didn't attend weekly meetings. Sharing the same floor with ~80 other girls was quite an experience, with small mattresses arranged side by side. I couldn't make big movement when I sleep, or else I'd kiss the girl sleeping next to me!

The food was interesting to note, all because of the strict Chinese custom, to eat silently, mindfully with back straight, legs parallel while abiding the kitchen rules. Criss-crossing the rice bowl and soup bowl, holding the chopsticks correctly, and putting the soup bowl at 10-o'clock position to ask for plain water! I had to salute all the kitchen helpers who had to serve the 150 of us like kitchen slaves! It's such a shame the programmers were not given this "opportunity" to serve the food to all people!

Programmers were mainly involved in running the programmes from start till end. I of course enjoy myself being infront, taking photos of people & activities, and just being there sharing wonderful moments with people. The Thai staff were really sweet and nice people, when blend in with Malaysians' impatient and crazy attitude, there you have a good mix of culture. Seriously I cant think of what ways to differentiate the Thais and Malaysians, except that the Thais were very patient & slow moving, so unlike Malaysians fast-paced & somewhat more efficient!

There's alot to learn from other ppl's culture, and there's so much other ppl can learn from us. I sincerely look forward to the "International-College-Varsity" (INCOVAR) camp, as like what we've achieved in this 22nd IDC. There is alot of funding matters to consider, I noticed many well-establish Buddhist organisation so well-funded. In our organisation, there is so much more to catch up on with full time administration & big scale management!

There is a place I really feel like home - Incovar.

Metta to all,
MJ

Interesting

blog, what is that?

If it was a diary, then it should be private and the thought is very personal that nobody should ever discover it.

But if it became truly private, and noone else read it, what is the point of writing when nobody is reading?

Just to share with you that I came from the generation of "mass emailing friends" about my life and such. But since I became addicted to my digicam, I never really hold on the passion to put thoughts into words. Instead I just capture the moments away..

But right now, even "now" is relative... it depends when I think of the word "now", when the thought that arises at the moment of "now". Should I be writing in present or past tense when refering to "now"??

I'm good at rambling on. That's why I have many things to talk about if you can put up with me. See if you really want to put an effort to lend me your ears. But just as I understand other people like I understand myself, not many ppl can put up with good listening. Not even if you wish so much for that person, whether your best friend or good friend, to just listen to you as and when you wanted to. Is it fair to ask for your friend to listen? If it is fair, then I should be showing some concern and be listening to them too just as when they wanted to. But what if they're so independent they do not require your patience of listening? So is it fair to ask a friend who is not indebted to listen to listen to you?

Who are we in this world, that we keep thinking of I and me, resulting in the formation a person of who we proclaim we are, thinking that the world is revolving around you? Or do you think that you are revolving around the world?

How do you justify that being self-centred constitue of the thought of thinking the world is revolving around you, and you revolving the world?

I feel that if you are revolving around the world, then your mind is even more self-centred, thinking that everything has to do with me, me, me. I am walking, I am standing, I am talking... blah blah..

Well on the contrary, if the world is revolving around me, it means I am self-centred, just as what a friend of mine once said, but the point is I am not revolving around the world. I cannot be so bold and arogant to lead the path of where I want to go and what I want to do to make the world mine according to my own likings. I am still observing the path that I've crossed, the various crossroads and beautiful scenary, the endless number of people that I'm bound to meet, in this world always circling, spinning from left to right, in all its dimension. Now is that considered more self-centred to be there, standing still watching?

I do not know who will read my rambles, as I seriously do not wish to just let any people in my own life to read my mind. I hardly share what is really inside me with just about anybody. It really depends on who you are, eg. you're younger than me, I'll not share with you abt my secret desire. If you're MPNCK, I have to ramble on really simple topics which is nothing argumentative about. The thought about J, the girl non-existant now, not that she died, but she doesn't exist in my life anymore since the 'next phase' of life succumbed her.

Phases of life, do you welcome it with warm embrace and allow yourself to go through rough changes to fit into new findings in the next phase, or do you remain and maintain your attitude, be the best of yourself that you can be, to live up to your aspiration that you've made from your one phase of life that you've ever lived?

If only my command of English is ever more profound, I could speak Shakespears, I dont even know how to spell many words correctly. Yet I know people my age who could hardly even write simple English.

The mentality of people, is like heaven and hell, I'd say I'm still earthy as a creature. Cannot write codes like what they do .NET C# or J2EE. Seriously why do I even bother asking myself if I ever want to pick up those coding skills, to make my resume looks good. This is really not what I want to do! Even a simple thing called mySQL or PHP, I have no idea. I just vaguely know the existance of technology, making me wide in general knowledge, but blur in technical stuff. Totally agree if you call me Jack of all trade, master of none. Now what kind of profession would really fit well into that averagely competent, inferior but getsmart kid? girl? lady.. whatever. Never call me "aunty"!

Great.. I'm kinda getting the hang of this rambling... it's only so much sweeter if somebody would actually waste all the energy reading it. They can really understand me through words... if they do. Sometimes, people just dont. They read your writings from opposite direction, the letterings doesn't mean anything when viewed reversed.

Ahh... satisfied.