My husband childhood trauma sharing with Mindful Parenting Grp

It's amazing how the whole long winded post that I wrote in the notepad unsaved, is just 'pooof' gone! Maybe I can attempt to rewrite it shorter and more meaningfully. I remember writing this Chinese phrasing when I look at other couples, 比上不足，比下有余.

Husband Childhood
I'm blessed with my loving & humourous father, who never raise his voice at my mother. He was the 'yes dear' man that any wife could wish for. My mom is the fierce one and very caring towards humans and animals. She cooks dinner after work, and my parents knew what i like to eat etc. 

My husband's paternal grandfather had 2nd wife in KL when he was lorry driver always not around, while his grandmother raise up my fil and his siblings. I heard the grandma spoil the eldest son which is my fil. And my fil talks condescendingly towards his younger sisters, even now at old age. My fil watched porn (allowed his sons to watch porn) and was not into sports and pets at all. While my dad was a sports enthusiast and very pious, brought my mom and me to BMV when I was in my mom's belly. My dad inherited the Quek family Chinese altar, he introduced Buddha image to be placed in the centre. It's hard to find a man who doesn't follow any sports - thats my husband. I used to watch football and badmintin wiht my family, but not with my husband family. 

I heard this story a few times, when my husband was a baby, crying aloud, his father and his maternal grandma argue over something related to my husband, and the grandpa threw the rice pot on the floor. From then my fil forbid his 2 sons to return to their mother side for CNY. My mil family is quite small, during my wedding, my mil side of family took up less than half the table. Needless to say, my Chinese wedding looks like my parents were the main host, cos my side took up more tables. 

I wanted to share that, I grew up never having men raising voice at me. In my work life male bosses were respectful people. But this is different when I married my hot-tempered husband. My fil shouting at my mil is a daily affair eventhough he is already so frail and wearing pampers. My side? Even my parents' brothers are 'obidient' to their wife. It's just very different living with my in law. 

Side joke, my husband's 4th uncle, my fil's only brother often ask me "how ur fil got scold people ha?" i of course reply Gottt needless to say, this nice uncle somehow is different from his obnoxious dailoh. 

School days, my husband didn't have home-cooked food dinner, father who was a teacher tapau and settled their daily routine, while his mother come back late. So I must understand why my mil don't know what my husband like to eat/dont eat. 

Birth of my son
My pil were staying in their Setapak condo when my son was born. Then my mil became my son's caregiver against my wishes. It was my bil idea, he doesn't want his then 63 mom to continue working, it was good strategy for my mil to finally retire, she has no experience in taking care of baby. My bil claimed it was my husband who asked him for help, which my husband never told me and denied. I don't want to argue with my bil anymore. I felt alot of resentment because no one respect my decision as the mother of my child. So that's the start how my mil and gradually my fil moving into my small little hut. The condo is still there not renting out, not selling. My bil family has semi-D in Kota D'sara but now residing Spore with high pay + Filipino maid. 

When we were planning to get married, we didnt really sort out or agree on  major life decisions. He didn't want kid, I want kids. We didn't agree on his parents moving in to stay wiht us, it just happened. I felt like I lost my autonomy and my freedom. Every time when I speak, I have to filter and think before I say, cos my mil mind perspective things very differently from me. I used to be so carefree and happy go lucky person, do what I want, say what I want in my world. 

Resentment
I don't know if my husband feels inferior to his smarter more successful elder bro. His parents are so scared of their eldest son, abang say anything they just listen and no sound. But with us, his parents are in their natural argumentative self. I grew up thinking elderly parents should live with their eldest son, but that's not what happen to my husband. My husband is the much poorer younger son who has to be responsible for his aging parents. 

What's my point? Maybe I shall end here.. i duno where is this going to. I can go on and on about my husband. Bottomline is I'm not sure if this is what they call  the wife emasculate the man. This is not my intention, but I often see myself nagging him still not filing his tax and not being hands-on with the kids (always rely on his mother when I'm busy or out). And its vulnerable for me to say this, but i felt hurt by my husband on few occasion. 

Happy Xmas 2020 | Spiritual Cultivation Retreat 2020

 It is Christmas night now and I'm all alone at Cindy parents' house all alone by myself. It is the first time that I managed to participate in a meditation retreat! I was so excited on the first night, when I checked-in the Horizon. I slept so well, with the cooling aircon and complete darkness with the lights off. 

I'm glad that sayang is able to take care of the 2 kids without me. This is a test for me and also a test for him, and for my kids! I heard this saying by one of the BGF ClubMed facilitator "If I'm a young child, I'll be more happy that my parents actually went and come back from a retreat!" 

I'm also thankful for this experience during this covid-19 crazy year that retreat is now just me and myself, with online zoom lessons on and off. I can be bra-less. I can be alone. I can sleep on the floor. I can do whatever I want! I hardly get this type of freedom of expression when I'm living with my family. 

Talking about my family, I guess I'm learning to accept that my parents in law will be living with me permanently. In fact I had wanted to register this blog spot talking about the new BU11 property that we've just booked! After a whole month of hullabaloo with the loan application, I finally got a decent offer from RHB, and with that me and sayang can sign the SPA on our supportive-date, either 6th Jan or 24th Jan. Now this new big house that we're aiming for, will house the Wong ancestor tablet, so then sayang don't need to keep going back to the empty Sepatak house for festival prayer days. 

In my mind, I do wish to offer my one-of-a-kind mil her own room, where she can place all her 'stuff'' should she wish to sell her Setapak condo. (brief sigh...)

If not for the calming SCR2020 with bhante Kumara, I wouldn't be so subdued in my writing today, I'm trying to understand the craving that causes my conflict / sufferings in relation to my in laws. Bhante Kumara said, if you are aware and fully understand the cause of craving of wanting / not wanting, there is nothing to let go, when you accept and understand the underlying cause of your suffering... letting go happens automatically. 

It is like why sayang always say "you expect the stubborn old people to change?" 

What is it that I want now... am I aiming for Nibbana? Or as a mundane lay person, aiming for a harmonious family life? It wont be easy, it is so hard.... to truly understand the nature of people that I have to live with everyday of my life, and accept the situation with deep level of understanding, then there is no conflict with my inner self. But I must also note that there are things that I don't like, and things that I need to say, or things that I must do. I should also not conflict with myself. 

I am grateful for this isolation, this opportunity to have self-reflection, especially during this time when the year is rallying its final week before we usher in the hopeful new year. I realized how rare this moment of solitude is for me... being a person who grew up with in a closed-knit family, and I always had roommate(s), seldom sleep alone in my whole life time. 

With this 'free' time alone, I could even exercise longer duration outside, without the fear and anxiety of watching over my 3yo daughter. I'm thinking if a person spend the more days in self-retreat, the more one feel detach from his/her loved ones? 

Well maybe balance and moderation is the key here... as we want to give more space to even our own heart-and-soul family, once in awhile, for them to have their invaluable me-time. 

The consciousness of my mil story is always at the back of my head. I've attended enough psychologist talk to know that my mil had abandonment scar in her brain and potentially have silent mental health issue, but she is either disguising is so very well or she has fully accepted / and understood her predicament that letting go already happened. I want to say that I really admire her.... but deep down inside I'm aware that I don't. There is conflict in me when I think about her. Shall I be more open and honest with my feelings and thoughts when associating with her? So many thoughts to reflect upon, as I strive to truly accept and understand the nature of my parents in law. 

Note worthy to mention, in this retreat, I try not to eat dinner, and hence I hope to shed the kilos and maybe I don't need to start on the hypertension medication! I want to maintain good health, physically and mentally. 

My wish for the new year, is to be able to happily build a new home with my tri-generational family, and wish that sayang can value me more, (but this is the exact craving bhante was talking about)... if no craving for affection and understanding, no sourness/sufferings. Is it that easy to attain? Just not craving, not wanting anything more from my husband? (im crying now) 

A part of me always cry thinking that if I don't crave for more appreciation and affection from my one husband, then what is the point of marriage? Where is there love for each other? Why bother entangle in this mundane life? Do I really want to further dwell into or renounce this conflicting / suffering mundane life? Should I even request sayang to read my private blog post? Why should I fear how will he be negatively affected if he ever read my posts here? 

This is me. 

The weirdest period of my life... well of planet earth!

I'm not going to let past this period of my lifetime not penning down what has happened from January 2020 until now its April 2020 and the Covid-19 virus pandemic is creating a big mess to the whole world. Recession is so expected to come and well people are dying from it. I'm praying really hard for the safe recovery of Bro. Jerry Ong, he really need alot miracle prayer and blessings for him to overcome this ordeal as he is suffering alone in the ICU at Sg Buloh hospital.

Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).

Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.

Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!

Women or mothers have this superpower you know....

If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair....  I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).

My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....

In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.

I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.

I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.

There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.

Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!

I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.

I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.

My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.

May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings. 

First time I'm home alone with just my 2 kids for a week!

Don't want the world to know I'm home alone with my two lovely kids as their papa join his parents to Indonesia, or rather join his mother. His father was supposed to join the trip together, everything paid for and he even dyed his hair / brows for the trip. Just a day before their departure, his father got warded in hospital for weak legs. *faint* and he was grounded.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry... that I'm the one person left to tend to this old man, thankfully there's still 4sok the brother of this old man. If it is my own parents or my own uncle, I wouldn't feel so head-banging. I'm actually very tight up with my life, having to juggle work and 2 kids while the husband is out of the country!

Sometimes the incidents that enfolds infront of you has a meaning to it, if you use your wise intuition to see it. I could complain that why I have bad karma to have to experience this? But I also could see it that I'm the angel, I'm the blessing for this old man and this weird Wong family. I don't want to believe that in my past life, I owe it to them that in this life its payback time.

In fact I was secretly looking forward to the husband and his parents to be out of the house for the whole week, so then I can peacefully declutter and rearrange the house! I have grown to appreciate being a minimalist as I age... but my parents in law are still in their strange world. The husband is also strange, he keep his floral stuff in his own home that he shares with his family. He thinks it is his rights for his business requirements, that he collect all the baskets, the bulky stands and boxes, and 3-4 huge boxes of vases that he only used once. The house space is fixed, but his stuff for his business is ever growing. The family has grown and need more space yet the space is getting lesser and lesser.

Marriage life for my case is definitely not a bed of roses. There is alot alot of effort that both me and the husband have to take, to compromise, and to not get on each other's nerve. I'm not sorry for thinking that sometimes I wish to just get away, to drop it all, and just move out on my own. The kids can come visit me for leisure and homework guidance, in my imagination, I just wish for the freedom and space... to just do nothing and be with myself, in my cosy little own apartment with swimming pool.

I'm sorry for not being magnanimous enough to be subservient to this weirdest Wong family. If one day you need my help for counselling and helping you really to sort your life out, I will be most happy to do it. Until then... lets continue to pretend to be husband and wife while the kids are still young. 

The idea of moving house for my family

My family here means just me, sayang, my son and my baby daughter (yes did I tell you my baby inside my tummy now is a girl!!!) - we might be moving to a new house upper unit of a town house! I've never really thought of this idea, as the most insane thing I thought was to have my parents in law to chip in some $ and for my family to refinance my current small little townhouse, to combine the $$ for a bigger house, perhaps with 2 living rooms!

My ah Soh things the old folks should have their own space - contrary to what I observe with regard to the old folks. They don't seems to need their own space, they want to be 'needed'. They want to have control over small little things, they want to 'parent' my son as if he is their own son instead of their grandson. I can't tell what my old age will be like, I might consider to renounce and go stay in a monastery... certainly I tell myself I don't want to be glued to my kids when they are grown up.

On and off I'll drift off visualizing me and my nuclear family living at the upper unit of the town house... the one we saw first was fully furnish RM700k which seems quite a good deal to me, the only problem I have is the living room without window, hence aircon is always switched on... I don't fancy that idea. I don't mind the walking up the stairs...

There's a 2nd unit that we saw which is not within this compound but very nearby, with the front gate facing the road, hence not guarded, no maintenance fee.. RM580k and the design is 'narrower' and taller. Living room has balcony, master bedroom has high ceiling and windows at 2 side of the wall. There is a rooftop where it can be converted to a rooftop garden with a nice Bandar Utama / Kg Cempaka view. Problem is there is only 2 bathrooms, 1 is attached with master bedroom, and 1 is common shared bathroom, hence no bathroom nor toilet at the same floor with the kitchen/dining area. Maybe its not such a big deal... the narrow porch means we can't really park inside... what's the point having a long porch yet not able to park even 1 car inside?!

This week hopefully we can get to view another neighbor upper unit Malay owned but the asking price is higher, RM750K... i'm curious to know if there's gonna be window or air-well...

I'm not 100% sure what I'd like to wish for in this aspect... the bigger the expectation, the higher the disappointment. Many times I wonder, what if I didn't get married at all... why get married and then have to put up with living with parents in law? Dating was a breeze, discussing about marriage was manageable, pulling off the less-than-perfect wedding with whatever little resources with both had combined was a satisfactory feat. We never once discussed about the future of our lives where my husband's parents would be permanently my husband's responsibility. I had to decide for them what they should eat for their meals... if I don't decide, my husband would only say "you settle your own lunch/dinner".

Why can't they be a lil' more like my own parents?! My dad would decide what he wants to eat, he would go out tapau for himself and for my mom if he knows she likes the food. Or he may tell me he doesn't want this nor that... he knows what he wants to eat. And he decides. My mom on the other hand, is always thinking of to be on a diet, no need to pack food for her, there is ALWAYS finger food in my parents house. She might just boil some sweet potatoes and or tong-sui and that's it her meal. And I would always have something to eat at my parents house. Why is my parents-in-law so stingy on spending esp my fil? Why is that other people have to decide for them what they're going to eat?

On the home / living front, why is that the 2 sons have to decide for their mother that she should sell her Setapak condo? Why they have to tell their parents to buy their own house to live in while they both are reluctant to make that decision?

I'm so damn proud of my own parents, who are independent grown ups, who are responsible and not immature, who can for see their future, and knew what they wanted. They bought over the double-sty ancestor house from all their siblings and will eventually pass it down to my brother. I have no problem with that, as its their wishes, I respect their wishes. And because the double-sty house is fairly big, my brother & his nuclear family could also live happily together with my parents.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM my situation!!! My parents in law are occupying me and my husband's house! Did they give money to their 2nd son for this house?! Errr no.... oh ya just the TV is bought by my fil. Hubby has inherited some of this im-clueless-about-what-i-want syndrome from his parents....

Perhaps abang has taken all that 'chi' away with him... that drive, that passion to excel and succeed and to provide a comfortable life for his nuclear family. I wish abang would give back some of this 'chi' back to his parents... and then influence his only brother... to be more self-assured and confident in their thoughts.

Oh I do know what I want, and most of whatever I want would hurt my sensitive submissive mil. I'm after all a kind Buddhist person, I still don't have the courage to fight it all out assertively to make my mil to fully comply with my wishes at ALL times. My fil?!? is a gone case... he knows... he knows.... he pretend he dunno.... u talk apple, he answer u orange. he can fake deaf or senile easily, to avoid the situation the day the daughter-in-law finally put a foot down and ban him from living together under the same roof. See which daughter-in-law la... may be me, may not be me... my ah Soh is certainly not to be bullied.

Make my aspiration - that there will be a conclusion of this 'idea' of us living a separate house nearby. As I dislike people starting things without finishing it... don't leave things half hanging. Always come to a conclusion, decide, make a choice - what YOU really WANT!!!

Mother of all conversation

What is my feeling now? Last night after sayang shared with me about the 'mother of all conversation' his parents and him and abang had (without me again?!!). The outcome sounds better than what I'd expected and I actually felt a peaceful sense of relief at the immediate moment.

But then as my mind wonder further, on the how's and whatifs..

Well you see, realistically and pragmatically I just wish that my in law can go back to their own house or stay with abang. But the 2 sons kept insisting for my mil to sell off her one and only property of her own (to complicate things) and now the solution is for my mil and fil to combine their $ to buy a house NEAR me (after selling mil setapak hse), so near you can even walk over. Which everybody seems to AGREE!

Of course ideally its a good solution, but can you imagine you're 70+ and still need to go through the hassle of buying a new house, and use up whatever weak energy you have to MOVE your belongings from one house to another house? And then to sort out the extra monthly bills to pay when you're already retired.

It's not going to be overnight, it would be quite hopeful to think that they will complete their moving to a house nearby me within 2 years.

In my own mind, I was thinking to myself if we could co-share buy a bigger house to fit in my kids and my parents in law together, with 2 set of living rooms. This idea didn't come out from sayang... maybe he knows this wont really give me the real peace & freedom & space that I'm yearning for.

I hinted boldly to my ahsoh that the only way that I get to redeem my freedom is for them to take the initiative to invite my pil to stay with them. And abang seems to want both his parents to join him in Spore moving forwards as he & his whole migrate over. Actually me and abang are in the same boat of thought!

Abang, don't worry about your younger brother and me... we will be FINE on our own. We dont get home cooked food every day is OK, we can cook very simple meals and learn to cope within our own means. We can educate our child the way that we want without interference from your weird folks.

I will go down the book as a bad daughter in law who indirectly chase her in law out of the comfort of her own house. But why doesn it not concern me much? I dont feel guilty nor regret? Ahsoh show me and proof to me you can get along beautiful with your pil in your new home... I wish you all the best! You can do it! You will succeed in where I failed... its ok! I never asked for it anyway. 

Vesak 2017 ~ this lousy mind of mine

I'm 10 weeks preggy now with my 3rd baby inside me. So far no spotting, no bloody show. First scan at 6 weeks was all good with heart beat detected by Dr. Hoo. Its a no-brainer why I chose to go back to my 1st gynae afterall, she guided me through my natural miscarriage last year in the month of May.

If all good this baby will greet the world perhaps on the same birthday as Ariya! There is a hope that I'll get a baby sister for Ariya gege... we'll see about that. It is of course perfectly fine if I get another baby boy. As long as baby is healthy and peaceful.

Don't follow mummy's imperfect state of mind, day in day out, always wondering why she's living in the same house with her fil that she got no respect for. Even her own beloved father has advised "why you so like that!" He is very different from other fatherly-figure that you can imagine. Maybe I will never be able to truly fully accept him for the perverted self-centered obnoxious loud person that he is... maybe it really doesn't help when his own wife is always relaying all the bad things about him... surely it doesn't help when his own son speak loudly rudely to him as well... it really doesn't help whenever he occupy my guestroom upstairs (my children's future bedroom).

I can't help it, I got a pair of good ears I can hear the TV switched on very loudly. I prefer my home to be quiet and peaceful, or sometimes just with background music on - definitely NOT SOUND OF THE NOISY TV polluting the air waves in my house.

Did I mention that I really wish that if I were to be on confinement period, I wish he's not sharing the same "living space" with me. I very much prefer to be bra-less at all times, resting quietly at home with my newborn child, perhaps with a confinement lady to take care of me and newborn baby. Many a times, I think about how I'm half owner of my home, but my space and freedom is definitely violated. Freedom to raise my son the way I wanted. Freedom from being constantly reminded of petty stuff that I don't need, and don't want to be reminded of. Freedom from not having to hear his voice telling my son what to do repeatedly every single time he sees my son. Its like he got nobody to talks to, he talks to my son every single time. I can't imagine myself growing up and having some grown up telling me this and that and this and that.... I choose freedom. I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD LIKE AN IDIOT THIS THAT THIS THAT every time!

I'm ever more thankful my parents have always let me be me! I do my homework when I want to do. I take my bath when I want to take my bath. I eat when I'm hungry. I love my son - I want him to too to enjoy the freedom that I had as a child and up until before I got married. Do I actually love my spouse or not? Well it takes 2 to Tango, and it takes alot of practice to perfect something even a relationship. Its easy to fall in love, or fall in the love with the idea of falling in love. And then what to live harmoniously till death do us part - its gonna take whole lot more effort, nurturing, kindness and understanding to stay happily married till death do us part!

Its sad and hurtful whenever sayang raise his voice at me, although he doesn't admit he is raising his voice, because he think he's just speaking/talking assertively. Other husbands would know it and some (like my dad) will often just stay quiet to please their yes-dear wife. I didn't marry to this type of guy. The I guy I married is the offspring of his chauvinistic-first-born-in-the-family-don't-give-a-fuck-of-his-inlaw father. What does he know about respecting his in-law family? How many people I know who is actually not on talking terms with this man?

Want to judge me for being a lousy daughter in law, or judge me for always having negative thoughts about my fil? Come be in my shoe, come and imagine yourself married into this weird family. Oh that I tell you that I'm not the only daughter-in-law that he has but I'm the one who has to put up living under the same roof with him? My karma or what?! Sigh....


Happy Wesak 2017!!!

Am I ever gonna come to terms with my fil?

I'm upstairs, I can't go downstairs in my own home, because I'm braless and my fil is downstairs waiting tv very loudly. 90% of his awake time is sitting in front of the idiot box, with very loud volume that I could hear from my bedroom if I didn't close the door.

I'm the half owner of this house, but I can only confine to my own room since my fil moved in to live with us. This post is not about my mil, as recently I've sorta openly communicated my grudges with her. That was very easy, she's such a nice lady, open communication is not as difficult as I'd expected. 

Back to my fil, how am I supposed to have a heart-to-heart talk with him? The male chauvinist pig that doesn't earn my respect at all. A husband who yell at his wife even at his elderly age. A father-in-law who don't respect the wishes of the dil to 'backoff' my young child. Few of my friends who has in law staying with them, only have their mil, no fil. This I can understand how its not that difficult... mothers are kind and understanding people who would always give in to their son/daughter/sil/dil.

My fil is a completely weird, like from another planet. I don't know what good karma he has, that he is not having estranged relationship with his 2 sons.... 

I know I subconsciously fear that my husband will learn and inherit his negative qualities. This stubborn difficult old man who behaves like the world owes him. 

It's not fun when I wish to organise a holiday or a dinner makan, where my side of the relative will check see whether my fil is joining or not first. It's no fun having him around, where he irritates you more than anything else. 

What can I do about it? Nothing. I can't take a gun to kill him. I can't wish him dead. Can I send him metta? Send him lotsa loving thoughts? Very very difficult... 

Is it such an impossible wish that I wish for quiet nights when I'm home from after work. I just want no tv sound..... will I be happy if the tv is totally off? I can at least meditate and relax. Or even switch on my fave music.

I miss my mom ALOTTT!

I was reading some psychology article about managing in-law relationship, and the reason why sometimes a dil couldn't accept or relate to the behavior/culture/practices of the in-laws is because of the on-set of own personal unresolved issue. Ok im not exactly sure what im talking about but point is i came to realise why i have resentment towards living with my pil.

I came home last night as usual dinner is ready on the table.. i scoop the soup boiled by my mil... the thought that came is rarely “thankful” but “this is so different from ny mom's soup”. This comparison subconsciously appear in my head many many times. All my mil cooking reminds me the fact that she cooks differently from my mom...

Then it struck me, my resentment and my dunno how to appreciate my mil could be due to one emotional honest truth that i miss my mom!

The everything that i don't relate to about my pil is because i've been brought up my parents way. The only way and method that i could relate to.

I miss my freedom because my mom gave me supreme freedom! I managed my own life all my life! Why do i resent each time my mil clean up the dirty dishes after dinner? Because my mom dont do that! She instruct me or my brother to do the clean up.

I always wonder myself crazy why i dont know how to appreciate someone so distinct like my mil, so not my like my own mom.

Now i know why... because I.miss. my. mom.ALOTTT!!!!