A Psychic Friend

Its 3am of a July 2019, its a week before Sayang's 40th birthday. I don't know if I still have any 'sayang' left inside me to really feel the 'sayang'. Today he threw / flung my car key at my direction, in the presence of his parents, my mom and my kids. This short temper trigger after he went to scold his son (AGAIN) and made him cry unnecessarily while I'm still having my dinner.

Anyway, I don't feel any anger, well maybe for a split second I was berserk, I just couldn't accept the dangerious behavior of throwing things, esp when there is kids around!

So this is my life now at 40. Did I tell you I'm actually looking forward to my 40th birthday? Come this day after my 40th birthday, would be my 10th Wedding Anniversary! Nah the wedding anniversary is really nothing to shout about, with this kind of dysfunctional relationship that I'm having with the guy I married to. But for my 40th birthday, I'm already thinking which restaurant to host the dinner, to have karaoke, to invite my bff, aside from the usual family members. See I look forward to life, to embracing life, to rally for another decade of being a good mother, good hardworking employee of the bank and perhaps inch nearer to my goal of freedom!

Freedom - this will tie back to my post title - the psychic friend. I have a few bff but none can really describe my true self as precisely as this new friend! Well actually he's an old friend that I knew in temple, some 20 years ago. He added me on FB one day after missing for so long, and then we chat on the phone the first time, I remember I was taking the mrt ride home, and he made me cry while sitting in the moving train! He just said things that he intuitively instinctively knew about me. When people tell you the cold hard truth that hit straight into your heart, you know you will feel overwhelmed with emotions, and your tears will roll naturally.

Anyway later on I did introduce him to LT as well, as he's actually pretty damn good in his character and personality analysis of people, he just has this talent, this gift. I met some other people who has this similar mind-reading power they possess. He was going to offer to come to my home, to check the element, and also to help Sayang to improve his business, since the home is where Sayang work and conduct his business. Of course without iota of doubt, Sayang would not agree to meeting this new psychic friend. In fact I've been pretty good at holding back now days, I would usually naturally tell everything that has happened.... but the wise thing to do now, is just following the advise - step by step.

Psychic friend gave me glimmer of hope that my relationship with Sayang will improve, if I trust him, to take it step by step slowly. He promised me that one day, when the condition is right. he will seriously talk to Sayang. I had doubts on how he, more or less a stranger to Sayang, can talk and make Sayang want to listen to him??! Sounds like mission impossible leh! Well he assured me no worries, he will have his way. He did say that Sayang will not listen to anyone except to a monk or higher realm beings, of which I agree! You see phychic friend is not deva yet and is a lay person not a monk, how is he going to get Sayang to truly listen to his counseling?

Well since I always give chance for opportunity and positive possibility, who knows if my psychic friend is right, he will and he can manage to talk to Sayang! I have hope. I must have hope. It is with this hope, that I calm down myself, I forgive myself. I try to talk myself not to steer onto the escape path.

You see, its deep inside my mind that I was (probably still am giving rise to this thought) of walking out of this marriage. Just a matter of time when my kids are much older and are self-sufficient. Anyway, did I tell you the joke that psychic friend told me, that's why he ask me to decide what I want, if I really want to leave or make the relationship work. He said he saw a 3rd party. I ask who me with another guy, or Sayang another girl -- me! I laughed... me 40 year old married with 2 kids still got people want?! Kanasai not bad woh.... ok well in my secret escape plan, I don't intent to live with another guy, I just want what I value the most in my life -- FREEDOM!

I see how sis. Julia live alone after separated from her husband, in her small apartment, not bad what! She still maintain good relationships all her in-laws. She has 2 grown up sons, she assured me 'dragon' child is very smart... that she told me when I was pregnant with Ariya, my water dragon boy! I believe he is smart, he has obvious dyslexia symptoms but, I read about dyslexia child, they are all smart people! So what for the father keep getting all hot-tempered and make the young child cry so often?! I want my children to grow up in a happy environment, to learn to be respectful, independent, kind and loving. Even if the child ends up last in class - soooo what?! In a matter of years he will be in secondary school where the syllabus will be somehow 'easier' (to me lah I think).

Did I tell you, the most assuring thing Psychic friend told me, is that I have the 'protective' element in me for my children. That's why he advocate co-sleeping with kids and to bring kids along for travels. I raised my concern about how its expensive to bring my kids along to travel with me, esp if I want to go somewhere far... he said money can always find back, my kids will always be protected when they with me. Awww.... again I feel like crying hearing this. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I LOVE MY KIDS. Obviously its natural thing for me to combine both travel + kids together? See my mom is always against travelling with kids, well that's for her not me! I'm me, not only it feels right for me to bring my kids along, my kids will be safe and protected when they are with me. Some friends, I know they can leave their kids behind when they travel with their husband... I can't.

I have good elements in my life, I know I'm doing quite OK in my career and my kids are growing just fine. I can't say the same for my husband.... actually I really don't mind if he's not earning alot of money. In this modern society, we know that many wives earn more than their husband. It's normal, its OK. I can see that some men, don't take it too well. Like what Psychic friend say, men ah... their ego is VERY high wan! They dunno how difficult it is to give birth, to carry baby for 9 months, to breastfeed... all looks easy for men. That's why women's brain is wired to be so resilient, so strong, so brave, so sacrificial (like my mil). Well its really hard to find a real men who can really understand and appreciate the women in their lives, so much so that they will lower down their ego... you know like my dad type?! :)))) I really respect my dad. My mom is soooo difficult to tahan, but he can tahan. So now my dad cannot walk already, my mom will stay back and serve him everyday of the week, of the year... I don't know if I have the good karma like my parents to have each other even in their old age. I don't want that type of elderly couple, who don't really care for each other but still living together for fear of being alone. Maybe its scary to die to alone... but its okay i supposed.... with my good karma, insyallah.

OK its 4am now, lotsa of crying writing this piece. At least I pen down this chapter, as I embrace my transition into my club-40, I hope my Sayang don't jealous of me, I hope he can have Mudita for me, as I try to learn to have Metta and Karuna for him. The Upekkha is for his parents, whom I can't change.

Psychic friend... if you can read this, remember what you promised me ya! I told him that even if he failed to talk to Sayang, and if Sayang also don't listen to him. I'll be contented that at least Psychic friend tried or have the intention to help him. I already 'mou nang wai lik' to help this impossible husband of mine. Psychic friend reminded me why I married him in the first place, he put it in such words that is actually true, truer than what I thought. Well I thought I married Sayang because you know age is catching up, and nobody else would want me, and my parents or society pressure would somehow make me marry him. Well he said, I married Sayang because he's not too bad, he is OKay lah... you know i was a very simple happy go lucky person! You always hear 'chinchai' la coming out from my mouth.

Lets try to wrap this up, before i get puffy eyes in 3 hours time when I get ready for work. That is another story, but nothing so worthy for me to pen down about my work.

the black general

I was contemplate to write this post in my private blog (where nobody can read) or on this blog where perhaps my friends can read. Its abit private, well to him at least. Cos talking about him is a private affair and he don't condone me openly sharing my thoughts with regards to him. The point to pen down is, first time I saw him 'summon' the North General through the Taoist ritual ceremony. The 5 direction of generals are also recognised by their colour, and he wears the black cloth around his waist over white-chinese-kungfu-pants & temple shirt. Of cours he looks 'macho' in that attire, but when he do the chanting and ritual with

神也是我。鬼也是我。

You know how sayang would describe me? No he don't remember what's ENTP or ISTJ... what choleric, what phlematic... he aptly puts it this way >> 神也是我。鬼也是我。
Too abstract to grasp? I think its when I'm both choleric and phlegmatic at the sametime... when there's the flashes of evil visuals, then there's the awareness of what is bad, and the ability to know what is good... *crapping*

So do you think I'm "angelish devil" or "devilish angel"? *muuaahahahaha....*

When You Look, What Do You See?

When it comes to understanding people, I really like to source for information. Just as I'm doing that, I also realise that's a "P" characteristic. Always open for information, very inquisitive and not conclusive. Unlike the "J" who likes to have things settled and sorted out.

The MBTI just went through my mind like a real life experiential learning, as I try to understand the human-human communication / relationship. Esp between me the N & P with those with prefereble to perceive things through Sensing and react to the outer world through Judgingly. And how I wish I can always remember these tips on communicating more effectively with S type.

Here's extract from this article about WHEN YOU LOOK, WHAT DO YOU SEE?

SENSING
-Can’t see the forest for the trees > hmm..
-Comfortable with what is real
-Drawn to the past for understanding
-At work likely to give "perspiration" > I don't sweat in office...
-Sensible, practical, realistic
-Wants specifics and facts
-Prefers an agenda; sequential
-Values practical application
-Relies on direct experience
-Relies on evidence
-Orderly and predictable > so not me
-"If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!"

INTUITION
-Can’t see the trees for the forest > so me!
-Comfortable with what is possible > yes
-Drawn to the future for visioning > c'mon on let's dream...
-At work likely to give "inspiration" > ya ya...
-Imaginative, speculative, idealistic > so me!
-Wants general concepts and themes > yes
-Prefers freedom to brainstorm randomly > you bet!
-Values discussion of future challenges > I think so
-Relies on hunches and imagination
-"Break it and make it better!" > possible!

The ingenuity of the intuitive is to vision and imagine better possibilities. The ingenuity of the sensor is to adapt the ideas of the intuitive to practical usefulness. Each needs the giftedness of the other. In conversation, the Sensor hears what it said; the Intuitive hears what is NOT said. One tends to be the thinker-upper, the other the getter-doner.

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING MORE EFFECTIVELY
To communicate more effectively with a Sensor:
Give specific examples. Follow a clear agenda. Provide detailed information in advance. Emphasize the practical aspect of the project. Give facts and details first, then the big picture. Use an orderly, step-by-step approach in presenting information. Compare new concepts to established, customary ideas.
To communicate more effectively with an Intuitive:
Show the Big Picture first. Allow them to share observations and insights without judging them negatively. Appeal to their need to be novel or unusual. Expect them to digress from the agenda. Allow them to discuss implications of the present for the future. Use poetic, imaginative language with analogies and metaphors. Understand that their communication style is roundabout and indirect.

Do you associate mostly with other people of your perceptual type, N or S? If so, cultivate friendships with your opposite. I have learned much from my S friends about how to mange time, organize errant paperwork, and how truly gifted they are in the logistics of planning and completing work. They tell me they have learned some useful things from N friends, such as, there is more than one way to look at a situation; when you don’t know what to do, stall for time; and dreaming about the ideal situation can sometimes help produce it!

The Designer

Cheng cheng cheng! Introducing the floorplan of my new house! Guess what I used to draw it? That's right... Paint. Would inspire alot more to use Visio, ahh.. the joy of the sketching out building and space... no wonder I thought I'd become an architect when I was younger. Take note though, its not to scale, cos I've only seen the place once and didn't do measurement then. This is purely whipped up through my imagination.

...ground floor...

...1st floor...

I wish I can do 3-D design using the computer, I used to take the subject 'Rekacipta' for SPM, supposed to learn AutoCAD but like err.. not-qualified female tudong teacher first time teaching this subject.. so err... forget it. I took that subject thinking I'm so gonna become an architect! Heck, even at my 1st INCOVAR at the 13th IDC, in one of the experiential-learning workshop, thought I was convinced I can still become an architect one fine day when I'm 40 years old!

Ya don't ask me why I end up in UPM and doing CC Engineering la... got la civil engineering and landscape architecture... but not same mah! Also got the parents factor as a kid.

So back to the house, sayang was thinking of breaking down 2 walls. I err... more into looking at the whole budget and money part. He said he's gonna be the interior designer, ok actually we both have really keen eye on design, but I realise I'm more "P" and he's so "J". It just dawned on me, he's so "J" and I'm so "P"! *if ur blur, go study mbti*

I couldn't even decide what is my favourite theme for a house concept, I can't even tell which colour to go where, or what type of cabinet should go for the small kitchen. Or whether hacking the kitchen wall is such a good idea, or hacking both walls. Or having lacy curtains or having bamboo-ish stick curtain. Or as simple as WHICH bedroom should I take?! Which one to convert to study room?

Oh boy... is there a solution to being "P"? Ya... have a boyfriend so "J". Haha... but with regards to the homeloan -- ocbc it is.

MyType from facebook

Ok, i retook the facebook 'MyType' questionaire just to prove that I'm actually ENTP... so ta-daa! Here's a post for those who doesn't play facebook :P

Living
ENTPs are lively children who question established truths and norms, dream and scheme, and develop unusual ways of doing traditional childhood things. The ENTP child is oriented toward doing the unique, which may mean taking risks and outwitting parental, school, and societal authority. They enjoy creating projects and following interests that are unusual and different.

ENTP children enjoy inventing new toys, dances, and languages. Because they are outgoing in their personality style, they often engage other children in their projects and assign them particular roles to play. ENTPs rarely accept things just as they are. They like to test or explore to see new meanings and relationships. When things do not go as they want, they use their ingenuity and cleverness to bring people and situations around to their point of view.

As young adults, when ENTPs choose a career for themselves, they tend to set flexible goals that allow them to incorporate new information and accommodate to new circumstances when they come along. It is hard for ENTPs not to be able to explore the road not taken. Their byword is keep your options open. Sometimes this flexibility can look like indecision to outsiders.

As adults, ENTPs take advantage of opportunities. Because of their ability to see relationships and connections between seemingly unrelated things, they are able to realize the potential in many things. When they see and opportunity that others have missed, they set action-oriented strategies that allow them the greatest flexibility to achieve the results they want. The worst job for them is working for someone who demands considerable rule following or tries too often to tell or order, rather than make suggestions to the ENTP. Throughout their careers, ENTPs want their work to be enjoyable, with interesting possibilities for applications. Additionally, having their work widely acclaimed and accepted as a unique contribution would be highly gratifying for ENTPs. They also weave in vacations whenever possible and want a flexible work schedule.

Learning and Working
ENTPs are relentless learners. When the subject matter interests them, they are able to find meaning in whatever they are studying. Knowledge is important to them, but they may not feel the need to show this to their teachers and therefore may be somewhat lackadaisical about assignments and tests.

ENTPs use their enthusiasm and energy to get others involved in their learning. They learn through give-and-take discussions and by questioning and challenging others. They are quick, verbal, and logical, preferring to use their skills in interactions with others. ENTPs look at the logical foundations in others' thinking and build on them to develop their own conceptual systems. They want to be taught concepts rather then facts. Models are important to them. They typically absorb their teacher's material and present it in a framework that ties all of the elements together.

They like to challenge their teachers and classmates and enjoy competitive learning tasks through which they can show their conceptual versatility. They may also enjoy independent study in which they can pursue and area of interest.

ENTPs contribute and innovative, versatile, and enterprising approach to work. They view limitations as challenges to be overcome and look for new ways to do things. They need to find a niche for themselves in order to be free to maneuver. They prefer the start-up phase of a project rather than the followthrough or maintenance phase. Once the project is designed, they prefer to turn it over to someone else. They take initiative and inspire others toward greater accomplishments and challenges.

ENTPs usually find work that involves an analytical, entrepreneurial, and creative focus. They tend to tolerate ambiguity well. They want to be in situations in which they can take intellectual risks and meet challenges. To perform in their best fashion, they prefer flexibility and versatility. While they like status and titles, they ultimately want to be judged on their innovative accomplishments. They take advantage of changing circumstances and work those circumstances into their plans. As a result, they function effectively in chaotic times.

Some occupations seem to be more appealing to ENTPs: actor, chemical engineer, computer analyst, credit investigator, journalist, marketeer, photographer, psychiatrist, public relations worker, sales agent, and other occupations that allow them to be innovative.

Loving
For the ENTP, falling in love occurs when they feel that there is a good fit with the other person. Often within the first meeting, ENTPs will know whether the relationship has any real potential. ENTPs may find it difficult to commit to anyone until the right person comes along. During this period, ENTPs explore the closeness until they can be certain that they have looked at all of the possibilities. Because of this, they are not likely to settle down early. When they do become involved in a relationship, they generally want to maintain as much independence and freedom as their loved one can tolerate. Their mates may need to have high self-esteem and to be independent themselves in order to accept the ENTP need for freedom and novelty.

For ENTPs, falling out of love, which may not always occur, results when their vision of the relationship does not square with reality. Sometimes they will select someone who offers stability and comfort and ENTPs later will become bored with the stability. When scorned, ENTPs use their powerful and broadreaching analysis to explain the reasons why the relationship was not good in the first place; additionally, they may become competitive with their former partner and work hard to win. ENTPs do not like to lose at anything they undertake.

I'm actually ENTP?!

So what's the big deal about ENTP, well first up, I thought I was "S" but turn out the result from the test shows that my score for "N" is higher. Well actually I am both.. that's why my contradictory nature! Why sometimes people find it difficult to understand me.

Check this out from the web, I found...

Life as an ENTP (Extravert, Intuitive, Thinker, Perceiver)
People of this type tend to be: friendly, charming, and outgoing; quick-witted, energetic, and irreverent; ingenious, imaginative, and creative; curious, flexible, and unpredictable; logical and analytical.

The most important thing to ENTPs is being creative, seeing possibilities, and always having new challenges.

How to Love an ENTP
- Appreciate my perceptiveness and original insights.
- Encourage me to spend time with people and be free to respond to spontaneous opportunities.
- Listen to me talk about my ideas and brainstorm with me.
- Be willing to debate and discuss ideas.
- Try not to nag me about small things or about being too messy.
Above all - respect my competency and need to constantly take on new challenges.

I wish I know if he's ISFJ or ISTJ...

Contradictory vs Hypocrisy

Does being self-contradictory leads people to think that I'm a hypocrite? Not that it matters to me what other people think of me, just that I dislike pretentious people so its better if I do not leave any perception that I could be one.

Many a times, I try to seek answer to why am I a choleric yet still phlegmatic at the same time? Why am I laidback, carefree and easygoing... sometimes quiet when I don't like the crowd, but on a 180 degree turn I could be extrovert, bossy and fast-moving?

How can I say 'chinchai-lah' and say ok-lah, but on the other hand, I know that there should be good standard if not the best for improvements. How can I don't care and yet care?

How can I be ESTP for one online quiz and but ENTJ on facebook quiz?

Maybe at the end of the day, I know I'd rather choose to make things happen than watch things happen.

Why do I have 'no heart'?

Putting a blog title like that is not fun. I've been wondering about myself this morning, about why do I not act more 'giving' and naturally put a few dollar notes (no matter how small the amount) into the donation box in temples? Say my bf, he's not richer than me and doesn't have much $ but whenever we go to temple (chinese or taoist or buddhist) shrines, after paying homage, it just come automatically for him to grab his wallet & dig out small notes & insert it into the donation box.

Just yesterday, my indon colleague have passed me alot of cash he's collected (from his savings) to be donated to a temple building fund, and made sure that I got his parents name correct so that his parents name can appear in the temple building. I have never ever had this thought, to donate money to a temple and put my parents name on it. He hoped that I can be part of his act of"planting seeds on good soil".

I ask myself - why am I so not generous? I think maybe its a habit, if I start to do it, then gradually it becomes easy... Then I come to think of my monthly income expenditure allocation, how many % should go to charity / temples? I felt I must be one self-centred person for all the money I earn, either I spend it or invest it or save up for near future use.

Maybe I give in other form like 'service', like volunteering for sunday school, helping out to organise Buddhist youth activities, or even buying gifts for my cousins... I buy! When there's a Mattel warehouse sale, I bought huge barbiedoll sets for my little cousin sis, they've never got that before from their folks. When my bf go buy dried meat from his friend shop (wing heong), I ask around my friends see who wanna tumpang to buy, so that my friends could get discount and don't need to travel afar to buy it.

I probably do give but very rarely in dollar notes, which I feel very 'attached' to. I count money, I keep money in my bank account, and ultimately I spend money. Its like my personal belonging, that I don't simply give it away just like that...

So anyway, the part about me feeing 'heartless' is when I saw a distressed man bleeding from his head and a poor woman, both on the motorbike, who came near us (my teamlead, my blur cllg & me) asking for money to send the injured man to the nearby clinic. The man was robbed and knocked down and bleeding away, the woman not injured and riding the bike with helmet looking sorrowful explaining their ordeal to us...

The thing is, although I was shocked to see the man sobbing and bleeding away, I SUSPECTED them to be cheaters! I had no qualms about my suspicion. I stood there listening to how the conversation went, I didn't utter a word to 'test' them or offer any concern. My 2 female cllg immediately took out their wallet, the blur girl knew she only had a RM50 note and she took it out so quickly and said "I don't have small change, this is all I have..." Then my teamlead took out RM30 and then... somehow (in my mind I thought the RM30 goes back to blur girl so that the one piece of RM50 could be given to them) they gave all RM80 to them.

I just stood there. I didn't chip in. Still having a very doh face.

At one point, I think the woman said they'd return the money to us, just give her our phone number. Hmmm... that's not begging alright... she'll return the money later. But the blur girl would have to sacrify her phone number to the stranger. They ask for a pen, and I took out my pen and paper... instead of blur girl writing her mobile number on it, guts feeling told me to stop her... and we took down the woman's number instead. *like as if we're going to call her back for the rm80*

The 2 of my cllg really felt so worried for them... even after they left, my teamlead was holding her head trying to understand what happened to that man bleeding and broke his thumb...

You know WHAT? He actually "showed" his 'broken' thumb which was weird looking, all I thought was "are you sure that's really broken, where's the cut?" My 2 cllg went 'yerrrrr....'

Gossshhh... I am sooo "no-heart". All that my mind could think off was trying to outwit them and so much questions popped in my head, I don't wish to speak to my cllg about it. I am cynical!

I don't trust anyone. I was once told off by a good friend that I should learn to trust people. Even leadership camp / workshop taught me about "trust" but just like parting with my money... it doesn't come easily. It just doesn't appear in what is me!

IF the man was seriously injured, he should straight go to the clinic to get his wound stitched and it wont cost much, probably not even RM50... helllo?! I fell off a moving motorbike before and got wound at my leg and bleeding too... ok so maybe I went to "pusat kesihatan" in uni where its foc. STILL?! How expensive would a private clinic charge you for cleaning up your wound and give a few stitches?! Any doctor would help you for free if they know you've lost your wallet and got injured from a robbery! Tell me WHAT STUPID LOGIC IS THIS?! That the bleeding man could be crying with such sorrow like he'd lost his family at a tragic accident - HELLLO??! I didn't CRY when I injured myself? My grandma didn't cry when she was robbed in daylight...

WHAT STUPID CON MAN IS THIS! IF he's in such PAIN why WASTE TIME trying to get money from innocent ladies in the middle of the quiet street.. and NOT to the clinic FIRST?!

I had so many questions... I wanted to hold his hand and twist it and see what reaction he has. I wanted to know where was the exact spot of robbery. Why is your motorbike unscratched? Why was the woman not injured? What kinda man get rob instead of the woman? Gosssh......

And my 2 cllg just naturally gave money away like that?!?? And the blur girl had ONLY the last piece of note in her wallet?! I wanted to ask my cllg - why? How come it didn't occur to you that they're conmen? Well... later my teamlead did ask herself alot of why... which she couldn't answer and she said nevermind if they're actually not for real...

Why am I so not instintively helpful with digging out my wallet from my handbag?!

*partly I know there's alot of big notes I had inside, remember indon cllg donation*

So anyway, if you're a good analyzer... maybe you can comment and tell me what would you be thinking and doing at the same time, when you encounter such weird situation like what I've seen today.

A weird self boast read ~ I am one lucky girl

I think this post is gonna be about how I should be really thankful and why I feel so 幸富. I just thought about myself as a person who can understand things (easily) and I just know of a girl who really cannot understand & see things clearly.

There was a simple sms I received from my buddy sunday school friend who asked about traditional medicine for cancer in KL. It is for her mom who's got breast cancer. I just thought how lucky my parents are... and how fortunate I am that I don't have to worry about my parents health *touchwood*. My dad smoke so much and never exercise and his belly is like 9 months pregnant, but his worst pain is "leg pain" which he'll recover in few days.

I'm also thankful that both my parents are very kind and understanding people that I could be proud of. There's another buddy sunday school pal whose very disappointed and definitely not proud of her dad. I've never had that thought before to be not proud of our parent. I'm so lucky to born into such wonderful parents that I'll never feel sorry for parents. My friend's dad is such a loser even I wish I can try to help or change him, but according to my friend its impossible.

How karma really works? Of course I have many friends who are like me, who have wonderful parents, great social life and big positive attitude towards life! It's true when some people say I seems to have nothing to worry about, and I'm such a happy-go-lucky person.

I think maybe its a whole cycle of giving and receiving. For me to be receiving the merits and blessings of my peaceful happy family, I should in turn continue my own purpose of life. To live a purposeful life, and to help people.

From finding out for people what's the latest fund price of certain fund... to telling you what sort of insurance policy you should need (if you didn't already know)... to bringing my aunty to go shopping with her kids... to doing camp feedback forms (although I really don't have to!)... to buying tickets... to listening to a mentally handicapped girl rant... to arranging things... to covering other colleagues... to just being there to assure you life is good!

I'm short of words now. My mind went off abit thinking what if I could become a nun now (cos I was sitting in the same table with 2 nuns from FGS during the bmsm dinner & they're very humble, caring & nice). What if I could just really let go of things and join a 10-days no-joker mind-silencer retreat? Suddenly a thought came by -- am I afraid of letting go of all the goodness and nice things in my life?

What if I try to live a day without any purpose...

...i got Amygdala hijacked...

Before I write further, here's how bro. Keek began his session about Emotional Intelligence --> go read books by Daniel Goleman and google Amygdala (inside the centre of your brain covered by a large portion of Thalamus).

The talk hit me hard from the beginning, when he ask -- do you think you are a logical or rational person? *I've always thought I am, since I'm just a white hat neutral uppekkha person* But he went on asking -- then why sometimes you can say the wrong things at the slip of your tongue or at the spur of moment stop talking to a friend ever?

Yeah... if I have a high EQ *which I've always thought I have* why do I still feel offended at times, feel like cursing people inside my heart or sometimes really react illogically / unpredictably? Even when I could have used my mental "thought" to analyze the "situation" and control the "feeling" but unfortunately at times I got ...amygdala hijacked...

Another way of saying I got "emotionally hijacked". That sometimes feeling appear so much faster than thought, yes although I'm a logical-thinking person, I'm not aware my own feelings. The end of the talk teaches us to be mindful, in order to control or manage any situation better so that the personal behavior is much more 'effective' and 'productive' in whatever we do.

The method to manage ourselves is where the 80/20 rule comes in. Many a times, average people spend 80% of their time working to produce 20% result, only a few people would really know how to work only 20% of their time to produce the 80% result that is REALLY what is needed. Do you really need to do all the work that your boss ask you to do? Do you really need to print a stupid interim 600pages report just because the big Tan Sri said "I want to you in my office for 30 minutes". Does a meeting really require 2 holy long hours to accomplish the purpose of the meeting?

According to speaker, a meeting should only be about 45mins max, the rest of the time is crap...

On normal day, you only need about 4-5 hours of WORK, if you work longer than 8hours a day you're actually bluffing or lying to yourself. *exactly I'm blogging now at office hour instead of working*

When I heard that 80/20 technique in being effective (at work or with incovar), I felt like.. gosh that's how these great people do so much with so little TIME! In fact, speaker said you only need to Do "ONE" thing, and hell you better do that "ONE" thing damn bladdy GOOD!

He's hinting to me, I'm doing too many other things, but not doing that ONE thing... *smack smack me...* these words are resonating in my mind... (cos I do incovar, i do bisds, i do unit trust, i do photograpy, i do fixing computers, i do writing, i do things that's not even my thing..)

So HOW do you learn to MANAGE yourself to be effective?

LEARN TO SAY "NO".

*fell off the chair %#^$&^%!$#$%*

Learn to negotiate. Of course if only if I use my brain to THINK and analyse for a moment, WHAT TO DO that is worth doing and add value to myself (and to my work). When I could THINK for the solution, then I should be able to NEGOTIATE (for you to be effective & not do crap).

~*~

Having said all that, I got carried away thinking the Effective Management Training (EMT) 1st session was so much inline with the 28idc whole camp concept! It just dawn on me that our camp can be summed up in 2 words : Emotional Intelligence.

When I look at the quadrant below *grasp!* -->

[Self Awareness ][ Social Awareness ]
[Self Management][ Social Skills ]

I was so 'emotional hijacked' by the session, when he first showed the various function of the brain, where there is a tiny Amygdala is linked to our feelings, instantly Talk 2 debate came to mind -- What defines me? -- "Is it my feelings or my thoughts?" "Do I feel first or do I think first?" "If human have a brain which have a larger portion for thinking-processing, then human should be very rational & logical species... is that so?" "Why do people still get angry or say things that hurt people or simply illogical at times?"

I dont remember how, but Bro. Keek did brought up the Mahayanese aspect of Buddhism which is Metta-Karuna-Mudita-Upekkha inclined which is suitable for people who like to reach out /be socially aware /love others. Where as Theravada emphasis of mindfulness & insight is suitable for people who's more into self awareness/self management. Tibetan Buddhism have both emphasis. *wow Buddhism is like the answer to EQ or vice-versa*

In a nutshell, I felt like I went through the entire 4-day 28IDC through the Emotional Intelligence training! I think speaker tried his best to train us in 3 hour, and I truly learnt something from it. Esp on learn to say no (as the first step) to produce EFFECTIVE 20/80 result. Always use the brain to THINK and analyse, what is effective, to be proactive in thinking & not keep silent / tidak apa / just accept whatever bullshit boss give us to do...

...sei mei....
Can i make bro. keek my mentor?

Jack of all trade

When I was called up by a photographer if I'm interested to be 2nd photographer where he dont mind training me, but I must atleast have a EOS400D... and my 1st assignment was to a vihara wedding registration do on Saturday afternoon...

In my mind, I just thought, whoaah... is this gonna be serious? Me becoming 2nd photographer? Me getting paid for just taking pictures for people (doing things that I like & earn $ for it)?

Well, here I am sitting in my IT desk, working as operation technical support, specifically dealing with CA product, there I have a bigger life outside work -- volunteer as teacher for sunday school, coordinating Buddhist youth events, learning about market trend & understanding indepth how funds work, taking care of investors' fund performance, barely surviving at home helping my relatives as internet-down troubleshooter / driver / babysitter / airasia or hotel booker... what am I Jack of all trade?!

I was described as a generalist than a specialist by somebody. Even in IT field, I think it'll be really boring if I end up being a specialist in just one technical aspect. But a technical specialist can demand more pay and probably work in a more stable environment *yawn boring*. I wish I can learn more about management, and learn how to deal with people of all level. I like to talk, yet not so confident in talking too much. I like to think, but somewhat lazy to think of genius ways to add value to cinepek company.

I like music, I like culture, I like travelling, I like taking pictures, I like to learn, I like to talk, I like to invest, I like to dream, I like to spend time with people I love, I like to help, I like to plan, I like to inspire, I like to have fun...

There's so many things I like to do or I'm getting myself into doing where time and $ permits... should I narrow down the spectrum of my interests and just be more focus in my doings in life?

I find this Jack of all trade vs specialization article interesting read.

Another syiok sendiri stunt...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

They actually have description on who they think I am through the visual that I'm connected with!! But at times I couldn't make do of which visual to choose :P And I'll probably turn out differently each time!? I would agree with most of the personality description about myself through my visualDNA! Haha.

Let's recap, esp on the Love Personality Type :: I'm what 'Touchy Feely'?!!
"Love for them is about human contact - the nitty gritty. They are very physical - a high sex drive demands plenty of attention." So DOOOHHhhh......

And sayang he's got the 'Love Bug'..lol..
"They are the type to fall in love a thousand times a day. Their feelings snowball quickly, and they are full of passion." So TruE!