When?

It's 27th November, Thursday. Sayang is supposed to be arriving Bangkok tonight, and leaving for KL early Friday morning.

Now because of the I-don't-know-what-to-say-about Bangkok airport shutdown, sayang buzzed me saying he may be flying to Calcutta (from Gaya) and direct flight back to KL. The question now is 'when'?

He's on the 23-urgent-list. I know he's always been protected & blessed... and I know I must send positive energy, not dwell into worries. I truly hope he'll be back by Saturday morning, cos he's got a big wedding flower job for his client's wedding this Sunday! A once-in-a-lifetime wedding cannot go without flowers!

~*~

The attack in Mumbai India?! No-eye-see. Should ask RPK or DSAI or Niz Aziz to comment. There's nothing non-muslim can do... its up to the intelligent muslims in the world to work together with the screwed-up-terrorist-who-claim-to-be-muslims... but we never / hardly hear what other muslims would say that could solve the problem. All problems must have solution!

*including my stupid work email which cannot receive external email!

Blah blah blah...

At first I found out that my form 3 cousin has her own blog, today I found out my other form 1 cousin sister's blog lagi chun! What is the future if without cyberworld for the youngsters!

I'm already contemplating of making use of the internet / laptop / multimedia to teach the teenage orientation class for next year (for my Sunday school). I cannot tahan seeing myself standing infront of the class holding a textbook or something and trying to pretend to be like a teacher. I think I can relate to being a facilitator or a funny jie-jie who can inspire, rather than one who can stand there to teach / waste my saliva.

Oh talking about saliva and talking... I came to ask myself - if given a choice to go for lunch with a bunch of people who gossip or idle talk, or makan sendiri - which would I choose? I think I'm going for the latter. Its like if I were to have to talk about other people, better save my saliva. Does this make me anti-social? I'm not sure... some people can view me as talkative, yet sometimes I just don't like to talk (not like to listen altogether).

Today I had lunch by myself at pizzahut at Maju junction! How cool is that... wished I had a funky cool cellphone to play with, but nvm I had a pen & rough paper to scribble. The rest of the ladies went for Publisher training. Yeahh.. ultra doh. Why don't they ask me to teach them Illustrator leh! LoL, don't try to be funny. Today one tech-server-guy came over to try to help me with my app crash problem.. he joked that I shouldn't consult my teamlead who don't know computers... "so when you put a person who speak canggih english + a person who dunno computer, what do you get? cannot lah!!" *conversation was in mandarin*

I'm beginning to imagine, that when time comes for appraisal/review, I might wanna ask for switch to the technical-server team... more challenging mah! In here, people don't need to be certified, just engage vendor and bang wall troubleshoot. Here the culture is not so into tai-chi, but trying to fix the problem together with vendor with whatever limited knowledge... worst case is kena scolding - that's all.

It's nice to know that... working in bank... you cannot get fired so easily. So even there's this weird very big size lady who cannot perform/ with attitude problem... still gets sent for training, and given minor task to do! You know contrarary to what other colleagues will bitch about this fat lady, I don't have negative thoughts towards here. She's not done me any harm (yet). I'm not sure if this is gonna be a repeat of my weird primary school life... that I always try to defend the unpopular girl... hmmm will see how it goes. Not many girls will understand what its like being truly overweight, being avoided/scared by people, being not-smart-enough, being singled out. I know it will be very easy for me to make her day.

Metta to all! Wishing sayang will be able to make his trip back to Malaysia successfully without much trouble ;( He's got a major flower job to do this weekend neh!

To say or not to say...

You know about my bro's big hooha solo-trip to US for training for a week... so this is my story. Well, my parents kept thinking that I'm jealous of my brother because he get to go to USA while I don't. Of course the natural reaction would be to answer "no I'm not jealous! why would I be jealous?"

Then because of this typical denial reaction, my dad will assume that you are jealous and will continue harping on it. Like saying "oh I've told your bro to tapao some snow in a bottle for you as souvenir".

*menjeling mata & doh*

Say if you rewind the whole conversation from the start, and you do not react the typical way of denying, say being silent or neutral.... whatever. Then my dad will say "why you got nothing to say? nothing to say because you jealous leh!"

*menjeling mata & doh*

So what I'm trying to conclude is that, in my family, talking to my parents is always like "sai-hei". You keep quiet - they react. You react - they react. And the whole point of me being jealous or not is not even a concern because I am (I believe I am) impartial and most of the time neutral! Maybe years back, when I was crazy about travelling, maybe then I'd feel envious of other people who get sent to overseas (far far away) for training, while knowing I don't stand a chance.

Now, esp now that I'm trying to comprehend the wisdom of the secret / positive mental imprints (Diamond Cutter book) & living in the present (Ven. Sanghasena's advice ingrained to my head).

Jealous or not jealous, that is not the question. While driving out of the house one night, after being barged by my parents about the whole how-to-skype-my-bro-in-US-drama... I thought of my pity cousin brother living in the same house. If only my cousin can even get half of the care & concern from parents (like mine).

My dad esp do not care for him, and have always disliked him. He doesn't have a dad who will care for him since he was 6 yo. His mom is kinda reserve & quiet, living alone in Taiping. Unlike being my brother, who has a good job, a nice gf, a charming look, a very positive outlook of life, a nice black persona to drive, extremely popular with his friends... and most significantly, my bro who receive most concern by parents who worry about him first time travelling to the other end of the globe!

So now you see, its not about me being jealous or being nonchalant. This world seems unfair in the sense that some ppl (like me & my bro) are so lucky and have such wonderful caring parents to thank for... while some people don't have a parent, or don't even have proper care & concern by parent, or their parent is just not there for them.

I am still stubborn afterall... I don't see myself changing my attitude to be nicer or more concern for people. I don't know 'how' not to doh people around me when they annoy me. But I'm beginning to know how NOT to get annoyed or not to react to potential annoyance.

If answering your parents is hopeless, and not answering is useless... better just remain silent. I read this Buddhist saying somewhere :

If what you wanna say is not true & not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true but not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true & useful, say it at the right time.

Ikea's kitchen inspiration & my style!

Has anybody checked out http://www.ikea.com.my/ lately? I'm having a fabulous time animating through the 'kitchen inspiration' >>A quick survey reveals that my 'style' according to ikea > country >> You're a romantic. The simple things in life give you the most pleasure. You find yourself happiest surrounded by nature and the great outdoors. Sometimes people think you're a retro sort of person because nothing pleases you more than a blast from the past. This is the kitchen style we can see you in. Well no doubt one look at it, of course I like it! But for practical reason, if its so white, with my messy lifestyle, I won't be able to maintain it sparkling clean & white for the long run! *unless its true indeed that sayang is a gem with the household cleaning* Here's what I found from the web which is in accordance to what I wish and perhaps more suitable to my our new home > simple n' brown >>Maybe according to my imagination, the countertop lighting makes the kitchen stylish esp for a new urban home!

Anyway, here's my other favourite design style from ikea (when I view all), and I had to randomly pick the survey answers to try to get a match to this picture, well not too hard > Scandinavian >> You're into timeless designs and is truly fascinated with pine and strong folkloristic colours. You want quality, functionality, practically and confort in your kitchen. Here's a look to make you feel right at home.

Okay, for this other kitchen that I might fancy, but I don't dig the black/white combo for a kitchen, but its still nice to my eyes... not sure what's the inspiration >

Hey, when I redo the survey by changing the answers abit, guess what's my style now? > Modern >>You're trendy and stylish and you know contrast is cool. Your opinions matter and you're not afraid to make it heard. We know your kitchen shouts out your fashion statement so we've got just the perfect one for you.

Wait a minute... How can my style be country and then be modern? Now you see why I tell people I'm so "P" as in mbti-P-for-Perceiving and you see how I have the contradictory temperaments of being choleric and phlegmatic?! Another crazy way to describe me -- I don't care but I care or I care but I don't care.

Anyway, whatever I like, have to meet with what sayang likes. Somehow we're gonna have to agree to disagree, or just give & take. But its safe to say, for most of the ideas with regards to design & taste ~ we can agree! I like to take food as example, we both like fish & chips for western, we don't like black-colour-looking food when we were young, we don't like slimy food *think brinjal/ladyfingers*, we don't eat durian, we both like soya bean / tofu, I don't eat seafood except fish & lala, he don't eat seafood except fish & calamari...

A point to note, sayang being very "J", he's most likely gonna be calling the shots... 'cause by the time I decide which one I actually like more... mosquito will doze off! *Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

My parents... my brother's parents

Though I'm trying to practise planting positive/good imprints into my head (currently reading the Diamond Cutter), it's back to my usual antics of being rude & sarcastic with my parents... when they're trying to show too much concern for my brother.

If only I ever become a parent, I won't know why parents must be so 'concern' over their 26-yo son first time travelling to U.S.A. In my mind, I know that the best way to learn, is by experience it on your on, not being spoonfed with all the information. If my mom is going to go shopping to buy winter jacket for my brother... I tell you...

They were just annoying me with "how far is the airport away from the town? do you think there is enough time for your bro to visit the town with about x-hour of time to spare on transit? do you think he knows how to reset his watch? how much of money is needed during transit in Frankfurt?..."

Number 1. There is the Internet. Oh ya my bro is not Internet freak, he probably dunno what he dunno. But I feel that its ok to be lost... what's wrong by being clueless in a situation where you can have the opportunity to ASK to find out what you did not KNOW? Why should parents feed in all the information and to make sure everything goes smoothly so that there's no chance of any hiccup that can ever happen to my bro (& me too).

I remembered mom bought all the medications that I could possibly need for me to bring to Ladakh, India. I didn't use any except the Rexodon vitamins. My parents are now very concern for my bro's trip to Philly, with very cold temperature.. they're wondering how 'cold' is 4 degree. Like you know is cold, so bring winter jacket lah! Oh that probably not enough... need long-john.. need glove... need wind-breaker... blah blah...

My mom knows that both me and brother don't care much about what happen... cos whatever happens happen. And they know that we're brave.. to travel alone... so why are they still so concern?!

My parents are such super duper one of a kind. My mom is now busying with the suitcases, trying to see which one is more suitable for my bro... while my bro is outside doing his own stuff... here my mom is trying to mess with his suitcase! Later before my bro departure.. they're surely going to tell him what to do, where to go, how much money to change, tell him about the diff time zone, reminder on passport etc...

For me, I settle everything by myself.. now that Im dragged into settling for my bro... ish.. super duper DOH!

What is your goal in life?

Last Thursday, I went to yet again another BOP, this time its P-insurance. That's when I've been reminded again "where is your goal post?". The speaker asked what's David Beckham really good at -- free kick. So when Beckham start to position the ball, and start to kick the ball, he lift up his head and.... there's no goal post... so how is he going to kick the ball? Where to kick the ball to?

Today at EMT, where I only came for the last part of the session, I manage to listen on the subject of "you must plan your life, if you don't plan your life other people will plan for you!". Be in your career, in your social life, things you wish to do... plan for it! Somehow he also quoted example from how he give his talk at the pre-marriage course, where he often ask couples what's your objective of getting married? Always begin with the end in mind...

So for the BOP when the try-very-hard-to-be-funny-speaker asked me "so there's no goal post, so where to kick the ball?" and I answered "just kick straight lah!"

"but there's no goal post how to kick?" ... ok I don't wanna get funny with him. In my simple mind, at that instant moment, I thought about how I have a very simple outlook / thinking of my life.

Honestly you ask me now what's my goal 5,10,20 years down the road... a big part of me say... I don't care. If you ask me what's my career goal then I got better answer... but lifestyle goal? Doh...

I guess being so influenced by Buddhism, and by my parents upbringing, and being with the friends that I be with... the lifestyle that I want, is the lifestyle that I'm already living.

"What is your dream car?" Then I answered : Honda City.

"Har? DREAM car woh!! What car are you driving now?" I cheekily answered : Honda City.

"You already driving City then no need dream lah!" Exactly.

Well talking about interest in doing your own business, you know how many people idle-talk about owning your own business. I just wonder off into my imagination world, that if I ever were to startup a business, become my own boss, why not be in the business that I like?! OK so there's risk, no-experience, big-capital, possibility of failure, hardship... well that's why I'm still just an employee.

Having listened to sayang's point of view abt his disagreement of the multi-tier business model, I guess I can learn from him... (not to say I'm going to reject outrightly all the offer to attend BOP) but I need to standfirm to learn to say no to things that doesn't interest me at all! EVEN if it means missing on the 'opportunity' of being business partner.

And I just imagined... that one day if I were to get involve in a business... why not flower business? why not providing service business? why not a doing something that I really like although its much harder, higher-risk, no-proven-track-record, lower ROI.

Alright.. u get my crap. I'm not cut out to be rich. I cannot imagine how can I retire young with no work to do... even if I'm 55 or 65... you know how I respond to the question of child education fund? *mind talk* Ehloh if mummy can enter form 6 then so why not u? (though im lucky enuff to skip form 6 & went straight diploma instd) Ehloh... if ur grandma no money to send me overseas to study why shud i so susah save up all my hard earn money for u to go overseas? u sendiri earn ur money to go overseas next time lah! ngiekngiekngiek...

Oh ya the question of save now spend later... is very good I know. But I also have this silly thought... you know my most expensive spending is on my travels... if I don't travel when I'm young now, wait until old only travel, although very rich that time, I won't have the same enthusiasm/passion/energy to travel unlike when I'm young lor!!

By the looks of it... hopefully I don't have to live too long! Haha.

Random thoughts over Beng's wedding

I was the only female on the table with 5 other male coursemates. There were 3 other guys from dunno where, whom we didn't talk to.

All for the sake of being there for my uni coursemates based in penang. Out of all the 10-odd of them, I guess Beng is one of the closest, and I don't have any better excuse not to go, so I went! In less than 24hours I'm back home in PJ.

~*~

I also come to accept that I am very kaypoh. I don't know why I just 'need to know'. Like what is happening... who is doing what... who's still single.. when did lkc came back from england... I even annoy lkc for always asking / need to know but dunno why i need to know.

Then I remembered this conversation with sayang, that he realised that I just need to know the answer, after knowing the answer then I'm satisfied. So sayang knowing me, he just have to put up with me and my curiosity... and don't question me back "why you need to know?"

If anybody can help me to asnwer "why I need to know" and I'll be glad to find out.

~*~

Each time when I see a bride and groom on the stage wine pouring & toasting... and seeing everybody fixing their eyes on the couple on stage esp the bride... my mind goes "she's pretty, her dress is nice, she has the body to fit the dress!"

Then I imagine myself... whoaah... such a fat body on stage, letting everybody gawking at my fat body for so long in those bare-shoulder/sleeveless/can see cleavage gown. Cham, then fat people no need to get married?!!

Issh... no wonder I like the nyonya-kebaya costume which is really cool. Short-sleeve-cheongsam is nice to me (provided I freeze my breathing tucking in the tummy then I'll be dead). Ahh.. nevermind if the Malays can wear the long-sleeve-lacy-kebaya that will cover up all the fatty body parts... what can I wear?!!

Don't ask me to go lose weight or exercise to keep fit, or stop eating (as and when I wish)... I just wonder why must girls be put through so much vanity to look beautiful... even if you're not a vain person, you often always see lenglui in nice sexy dresses around and everybody will be looking at them!

And if they're fat, their dress wrap their body too tight.. and the people will say "eeeh look she's so fat, like bao bak chang like that!"

Siggh... no wonder darwism make sense at times. The beautiful pretty people gets further easier in their life / career. Just watch Ugly Betty! Although fat girls might imagine that someday they'd be looking stunning on stage with everybody gazing at them, I just cannot imagine what happen to all the out-of-shape girls? Will they be able to stand on stage just as proudly without feeling inferior of how they look?

Why do girls bother how other girls look sooooooooooo much?! Why do girls fancy pretty dresses so much?

I guess my crap is going no where... I know I'm not going to go on any regime, unlike one of highschool friend who was very fat in her early teens, because she wanted to wear the sexy dresses just like other slim girls, she went on to cut rice and eat less and successfully shed the kilos... just to WEAR the sexy dresses to party! I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT BUT I'm GUILTY for WISHING THAT I COULD FIT IN THAT DRESS!