Happy Xmas 2020 | Spiritual Cultivation Retreat 2020

 It is Christmas night now and I'm all alone at Cindy parents' house all alone by myself. It is the first time that I managed to participate in a meditation retreat! I was so excited on the first night, when I checked-in the Horizon. I slept so well, with the cooling aircon and complete darkness with the lights off. 

I'm glad that sayang is able to take care of the 2 kids without me. This is a test for me and also a test for him, and for my kids! I heard this saying by one of the BGF ClubMed facilitator "If I'm a young child, I'll be more happy that my parents actually went and come back from a retreat!" 

I'm also thankful for this experience during this covid-19 crazy year that retreat is now just me and myself, with online zoom lessons on and off. I can be bra-less. I can be alone. I can sleep on the floor. I can do whatever I want! I hardly get this type of freedom of expression when I'm living with my family. 

Talking about my family, I guess I'm learning to accept that my parents in law will be living with me permanently. In fact I had wanted to register this blog spot talking about the new BU11 property that we've just booked! After a whole month of hullabaloo with the loan application, I finally got a decent offer from RHB, and with that me and sayang can sign the SPA on our supportive-date, either 6th Jan or 24th Jan. Now this new big house that we're aiming for, will house the Wong ancestor tablet, so then sayang don't need to keep going back to the empty Sepatak house for festival prayer days. 

In my mind, I do wish to offer my one-of-a-kind mil her own room, where she can place all her 'stuff'' should she wish to sell her Setapak condo. (brief sigh...)

If not for the calming SCR2020 with bhante Kumara, I wouldn't be so subdued in my writing today, I'm trying to understand the craving that causes my conflict / sufferings in relation to my in laws. Bhante Kumara said, if you are aware and fully understand the cause of craving of wanting / not wanting, there is nothing to let go, when you accept and understand the underlying cause of your suffering... letting go happens automatically. 

It is like why sayang always say "you expect the stubborn old people to change?" 

What is it that I want now... am I aiming for Nibbana? Or as a mundane lay person, aiming for a harmonious family life? It wont be easy, it is so hard.... to truly understand the nature of people that I have to live with everyday of my life, and accept the situation with deep level of understanding, then there is no conflict with my inner self. But I must also note that there are things that I don't like, and things that I need to say, or things that I must do. I should also not conflict with myself. 

I am grateful for this isolation, this opportunity to have self-reflection, especially during this time when the year is rallying its final week before we usher in the hopeful new year. I realized how rare this moment of solitude is for me... being a person who grew up with in a closed-knit family, and I always had roommate(s), seldom sleep alone in my whole life time. 

With this 'free' time alone, I could even exercise longer duration outside, without the fear and anxiety of watching over my 3yo daughter. I'm thinking if a person spend the more days in self-retreat, the more one feel detach from his/her loved ones? 

Well maybe balance and moderation is the key here... as we want to give more space to even our own heart-and-soul family, once in awhile, for them to have their invaluable me-time. 

The consciousness of my mil story is always at the back of my head. I've attended enough psychologist talk to know that my mil had abandonment scar in her brain and potentially have silent mental health issue, but she is either disguising is so very well or she has fully accepted / and understood her predicament that letting go already happened. I want to say that I really admire her.... but deep down inside I'm aware that I don't. There is conflict in me when I think about her. Shall I be more open and honest with my feelings and thoughts when associating with her? So many thoughts to reflect upon, as I strive to truly accept and understand the nature of my parents in law. 

Note worthy to mention, in this retreat, I try not to eat dinner, and hence I hope to shed the kilos and maybe I don't need to start on the hypertension medication! I want to maintain good health, physically and mentally. 

My wish for the new year, is to be able to happily build a new home with my tri-generational family, and wish that sayang can value me more, (but this is the exact craving bhante was talking about)... if no craving for affection and understanding, no sourness/sufferings. Is it that easy to attain? Just not craving, not wanting anything more from my husband? (im crying now) 

A part of me always cry thinking that if I don't crave for more appreciation and affection from my one husband, then what is the point of marriage? Where is there love for each other? Why bother entangle in this mundane life? Do I really want to further dwell into or renounce this conflicting / suffering mundane life? Should I even request sayang to read my private blog post? Why should I fear how will he be negatively affected if he ever read my posts here? 

This is me. 

How to "have compassion"?

This is what sayang said to me "have compassion" (referring to his parents, as he couldn't choose his father nor his mother for that matter).

I'm not sure if he is indeed having compassion himself towards me. I'm not sure if you can "ask" compassion to be given, if it was that easy, I could just open my wallet and nah - compassion!

As the saying goes - life is always a 'choice'. What option do I want to undertake? I guess at end of the day, my root issue with my self, is as i've let 'chance' to determine my path, and not able to break free to make conscious decision everyday, to be happy! To feel free!

Ok... maybe i should start creating a list... what truly makes me happy, and what I think I really want ::

1. Sit for the Citrix Certified Administrator (CCA) which by now is already a legacy cert, but company has sent me for training, I must make sure I sit for the exam, pass, and get certified! Target July 14th.

2. Play building blocks or read more books together with my son! Inspire my son to learn and encourage him to be good boy ( not just one who likes to manja his grandma only ).

3. Get motivated at work, learn the art of people-management, impress my bosses, get a good raise, or just add value to my career... so that when I really aspire to jump ship, I can land myself with a damn good company, with good benefits, and have a successful career ( that comes with moderate work life balance ).

4. It would be a nice wish, but I know I can't change other people - I wish my sayang would change for me. Sounds impossible eh? Yes I knew it... I just haven't sink in that fact.... maybe perhaps possibly?! Ahhh... but its such a magical wish ain't it? I wish like how the fairy tale weddings are like, where the man would say "yes" to anything the wife say / ask. Like when I say I wanna go Penang book this hotel, you say "yes dear" not "its too expensive we can stay at another place"... so anti-climax! Or when I so syiok sendiri plan for holiday for myself and the family to get away, you want to bring your father along (although I didn't plan to fit him in). Did your brother fit your father in when he plan for his family outing?

5. Go swimming.... like for real! I've gone swimming by myself since giving birth to my son... last I went to pool to paddle in the deep pool is when I was pregnant with Ariya.... oh i really miss swimming the breaststroke.

6. Go shopping! Ooohhh retail therapy... is. so. fun! Wish I'm not that broke, have no money worries, and just spend! I like shopping and buying things as gifts for people! For grandma birthday.. for friends' baby birthday... for christmas present... for myself... for my mil or my parents... ahhhhh...

7. Find  Meet my spiritual master or shifu, in my quest for liberation. Ajahn Brahm? Thubten Chodron? Ven. Amaranatho? Ven. Sing Kan? I. want. to. break. free!

Freedom alas I shall taste... when hunger no more in the haste... may my mind be free from chase... may my life and time not go to waste! 

A New Year Message

I'm trying to write a new year message assuming the role of the president... knowing it takes a long time for him to write. Having read a bombastic-economy-related new year message from a bank ceo... I know this buddhistic message has to scew towards... *oh what the heck, lets plagiariate* oops breaking 2nd precept!
~*~
What a year that was 2011! First we started the intention to purchase a land to build a new centre.... meetings were held with architectures... fund raising projects were planned...

got the buy in from the committees that we should target to raise RM2 million each year...

kickstarted with the Korean cultural show... there we raised abt RMxxx....

then we formed the committee to organise the DINNER for a 1000 people, to reveal the plan for the new centre. Some how with the magic of karma / conditions, we managed to find a big corner shoplot at Ara Damansara for sale! And the EGM was held a day before the FOTG dinner, to get approval from members, to agree for the greenlight to purchase the new premise.

The FOTG eventually raised almost RM1 million! It was huge success, not only in terms of ROI, but also it was the first time we saw many diff english buddhist groups coming together like an all-star, for a grand gospel-like grand choir performance, of the most apt song 'guardian of the sasana'.... it was an eye-opener for many audiences that night! It was a dinner that brought all the thousand gems together.

BGF didn't have chance to rest after that mega fundraising project! She went on to organise the Food & Fun Fair, a fundraising initiative by the gemkids teachers & parents. In deed the last food fair being held 10 years ago.... this time the Food & Fun Fair chaired by bro. Tee managed to raised abt RM94,000... well we may ask, is it all worth it after all the hardwork by everybody, from the aunties / uncles who prepared the food, to the many youth volunteers who helped tirelessly from midnight onwards, to the organisers & sponsors. The answer? Yes it was well worth it!! It was worth every sweat of it... it was memorable to see our old friends sitting together at the same table chit chating and laughing away. Children having fun. Elderly and even the blind enjoyed themselves very much too!

Looks like the fundraising projects are not going to end so soon, as we are still at the shortfall of RM1million, to fully pay off the RM3.5 million new centre. It would be too texting on the same English-medium Buddhist community.... but we need to stretch our hands and legs to reach out and look beyond our community. We are fortunate to have made friends with the nice lady ms. Yudi Yap, who agreed to help us in our next fundraising drive! What initially thought was just a shanghai jazz concert with Yudi turn out to be a duo pact, with another friendly Taiwanese folk singer 曾淑勤 from Taiwan. BGF is proud to present "A Date with Love" or 《人间友勤》on 17-Feb-2012. Yes the timing is just right when Love is in the Air during this Valentine's season, and love is not just between a boy and a girl, its there's also the family, sisterly or even brotherly love! Of course the highest of level - the unconditional Metta love.

At this juncture, BGF is at the threshold of a renewed mission. BGF will continue to inspire and provide the impetus for the growth of Buddhism. With our new centre, BGF’s earnest wish is to continue our efforts in growing people, unearth new talents and skills, as well as inspire individuals from all walks of life! With your continued support, the flame that we lit together decades ago continues to burn stronger and brighter, illuminating the hearts and minds of all beings.

Let us all embrace the new year 2012 with open arms, plan for the best to happen and expect positive transformation. To kickstart the new year, we're glad to host Bhante Sanghasena (MIMC, Ladakh) in the early of January. Starting from February, the Dhammaduta team & DSTP team will bring you "Foundation of Buddhism" course, which will take place during Sunday@BGF timeslot. GemKids parents are most welcome to participate. In April, we will be receiving Ajahn Brahm from Perth, Australia. Then if all things go as planned, we'll be bring together another Food & Fun Fair with better experience & excitement!

There's still a long up hill climb. We believe we will only go... better.

Live and Learn

It's the first night without sayang as he's on his way to Delhi with some of the BGF exco. I'm somewhat looking forward to the solitude at the comfort of my own home. Am I going to complain about my own ocd husband at my blog? Not now after I've attended Jeff Oliver's "Live and Learn" workshop today....

It was good that I can finally put into perspective on why certain unwholesome thoughts appear in my mind. Before today, I was thinking to rant about why I don't feel its good/healthy for both husband & wife to be working in the same organisation, esp when both are very strong-headed /opinionated. Before today, I was quite convinced that I want to step down from Exco role, and let him take over my position, since he's the one who has the most to say.

I wanted to take the back-seat, one car cannot have 2 drivers. Even if he's driving and I'm at the passenger seat, I'm not supposed to give directions whatsoever, and vice-versa. That's how it is.

Coming back to what I've discovered from Jeff Oliver... when you feel hurt, or when you (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt someone else, seek forgiveness! Not just forgiveness from others, we must try to understand the emotions that came about, was it 'selfishness, anger or confusion' that led us to being hurt / hurting people? It is possible that during that moment, we were unwise and we didn't understand the true nature of things, that's why we get upset or we take things for granted or we harm people. Which in the end, we feel guilty or we harm / hurt ourselves. One must learn to FORGIVE oneself. Say "I forgive myself..."

It was very powerful... its true that I was not wise enough to comprehend fully everything. When there is high-expectation, there is high-disappointment! That's the natural law. Of course this 'expectation = desire' led me to another confusion, that is why would a leader set high standard? Whether setting high standard for oneself, or high standard for the company/organisation/team that we work in?

Wish I can clarify this with another Dhamma teacher who's not tooo laid back in the Theravada Vipassana tradition, perhaps someone more socially engaged with the worldly conditions that we currently dwell in.

Yes I can sense / observe that I'm stucked in samsara...

Through mindfulness / awareness practise, I'm noting the thoughts that arises from moment to moment, sometimes I analyse too much, sometimes I don't get it. Mantra sets in... "I forgive myself"

This post is about my experience and what goes through my mind/heart about being with my other half. So this solitude that I've been looking forward to, is for me to be at peace with myself. No expectation, no question to ask, no sight of OCD-behaviour. Just relax...

How can one be in an unconditional-love relationship with a spouse? How can both husband & wife not have any expectation of each other? How can both party truly accept, embrace, forgive, love and care for each other unconditionally?

For Jeff Oliver, he said he can....

For me? I'm still discovering / learning the art of exemplary happy married life!

I'm sorry... I forgive you....

I'm so stressed out that I lashed it out at an innocent aunty who has caught me at the wrong time when i was most busy.

When the mind and body is not in sync, raw emotions can be difficult to be controlled. It's the beginning of the new year 2011 and I'm caught in this stressful never-ending infra support job. I feel like I need to take a break, but I just came back from a Buddhist pilgrimage just last month & that should be enough of a soul-cleasing spree...

There's just too much over-spilling calls and job responsibilities to follow up and to do. I don't see myself staying back LATE to "finish" the work because I will not have any energy left by 7pm when almost everyone has left the office. It's impossible for me to imagine how people can work through the night, or don't sleep for the whole week because of "month end" or "closing" or "project". Maybe the energy that these people drained on is periodical and not constant like in my line of daily-non-stop support job.

I don't wish to say bad things abt this uncle sitting infront of me in office, nor i wish to whine about a similar-annoying-aunty in the Buddhist circle who agitated me today. Somehow I must admit that people like them really get on my nerves so much, its hard to explain why! A friend once said "because you attract weird / strange people". Can this be true? How true is this? How can I get away from associating with them? They're not negative, they don't have ill-will. They're just plain painstakingly annoying and repetitive!

For the same thing that he can ask me to do, he can repeat it 100 times until you've done it. Why not ask other people to do? Cos other people don't sit next to him and worst still don't have the skillset to help him. It's just my somewhat-lousy-boss say "if I know you're good, then I'll let you do more things eventhough I know you already have 10 things on your plate!"

"Some people cannot even do 1 thing, so don't even bother give them do another thing".

....

My sayang certainly disagree with this theory. It works in my IT support line of job... similar to my volunteer work at Buddhist societies, just because you can do it - YOU DO LAH! If not who else to do?!

People can easily say "I don't know how to do la, please help me". Full stop.

Yadayada and all sort of nonsense life-balancing stunt. Oh ya you say its NOT nonsense, and its a birth right to reject and say NO to people asking for help... try being me, in my shoe and when helpdesk agent (with continous non-stop incoming calls) escalate an issue to you, and you reply "I don't know how lah, you solve it yourself lah!"

Its very easy to say "I DONT KNOW LAH"

Butttt... it takes alot alot alot of me to say that.... esp when you know the answer , or you know the way/method that could help the help-seeker. The more you know, the more people want you to help and naturally the more you want to help, perhaps solve a problem faster or in a more efficient way.

Help-seeker will not even bother to try to ask the other person in your same team, who either pretend don't know or really sorry-to-say don't know how to help. Its like a pathetic samsara life cycle or the 'Dependent Origination' where the first cause is "ignorance"... just START with "I Dont Know" and you'll NOT have to go through the whole pointless meaningless endless cycle of suffering.

Is it my ego, that makes me afraid of telling people "I Dont Know lah" fullstop?

My family wants to have a family gathering - call me to arrange for the accomodation.
Helpdesk agents want to solve a problem fast and instantly - call me to fix it.
Annoying aunty want me to send early notice to BGF egroup - call me & sms me to do it x2.
Annoying uncle at work want me to help him remotely upgrade his AS400 software on 3000 over PC bankwide - call me because im the admin for the software deployment system
My uncle want to sell his jackrusell puppies - call me take photo for him & sell on internet
Another uncle want to sell his terrior puppies - call me to teach him how to blog
Mentally handicap girl gets bored at home nothing to do - call me ask when am I taking her out
Sunday school teacher couldn't find a photographer for an event - call me to become photographer

If in one day of my life, there is NO request at all... would I still survive?

What if I tell my uncles - "I don't know how to take photo lah!"
What if I tell mentally handicap girl - "I don't want to take you out lah!"
What if I tell sunday school teacher - "I can't help you lah!"
What if I tell BGF - "I don't want to be secretary or administrator anymore!"
What if I tell BISDS - "I don't want to do anything la!"
What if I tell my aunty - "I don't care about family outing, you all go without me la!"

... can I? can I? or will I?

I just had a revelation about "truly letting go". How do you let go? Do you let go the mess that you've inherited because you cannot take it anymore and pass on to whoever to take over from scratch / clean the shit? Or do you continue to persevere and try to do a proper handover / knowledge transfer / assign & delegate / find a willing successor / train your replacement... before you "truly let go"?

Hello from Halong Bay

We're waiting for the Paradise Cruise 1 to set a sail to the sea... the lounge own by the company www.paradisecruises.org.

This is only the 2nd day of my trip to Hanoi-Halong Bay. My trip encounter so far has been nothing less than traffic chaos, unwell body and bizarre experience. I kept thinking of sayang, if he could survive this one day driving around the Old Quarter of Hanoi together with the amazing guy Meng Hoe and his driver.

I saw a couple of brown robe monk, probably from plum village. Since I've encountered with the peace and tranquility of Thich Nhat Hant during his recent visit to Malaysia... now being in Vietnam where TNH were supposed to be in exiled from, can't help but to compare how would any Zen practitioner live calmly & meditate amidst this chaos?

If a person can still remain calm and mindful inspite of surrounded by all the traffic madness and chaotic livestyle, isn't this person practising a higher level of mindfulness meditation? As compared to the Zen followers who can naturally practise mindfulness/meditation amidst quiet and tranquil surrounding, ie. Plum Village in France.

Amidst the surrounding chaos, is the mind being trapped in the chaos struggling to break free? Or inspite of the traffic turmoil, one can still mentally be free and smile with the people scootering or steering behind the wheel?

I had the experience of sitting on a scooter without a helmet, moving around from small lanes to the freeway... seeing and experiencing the way humans, motorbikes and cars wld crisscross each other "mindfully". Vehicles wld stop or swerve / turn to avoid collision. If a bike were to kiss a car, its OK. No need to fret about it. No smile. Just move on... people are so immune.... indifferent. Its even a culture for them to consume dog meat! How bizarre is that? To them is nothing.

Sitting on a small stool by the roadside eating noodle is nothing. Eating the same noodle everyday with the same taste is nothing. Simply crossing the road without regards to oncoming cars is nothing.

Maybe its the long history of war and suffering that befallen them? I wish and try to enjoy my first Vietnam trip, but the soullessness and indifferent attitute of Vietnam, is forcing me to activate my Upekkha.

Will there be complete freedom onboard the cruise on Halong Bay?

Desperate attempt to write about Dependent Origination

It is a big challenge for me to "write" a given topic with word limitations and guidelines to follow. I can write a blog post easily without having to crack my brain too much, and knowing that I can freely write with the style that I'm at home with.

But not with an essay focusing on just one complex Buddhist concept of "Dependent Origination", I feel that it's a grey area where plagiarism and original idea is concerned. I can't write my own idea, because I'm supposed to talk about a process which is what it is. How different can I describe a process, taught by the Buddha in any other words? It is like a matter of testing my effort in using 'thesaurus' to replace one word with another word of the same meaning.

What's the point?!

So finally how did I manage to hatch the essay due in 24 hours? It's best when I write with my own style, relating to what I can remember with regards to this rare topic in my years of encounter with Buddhism. And since there's no way to run from describing the process (as what it is), copy-and-paste sets in. *appreciate technology*

This is my 900+ words essay that took me almost 5 hours to complete! >>

I first heard of the concept of Dependent Origination as student at the Buddhist Institute Sunday Dhamma School. It was literally mind-blowing to me when the teacher explained about the inter-connected links of causality which affects everything; I was visualizing atoms and molecules, and trying to relate it with the Big Bang theory.

It is this fascination about this complex Buddhist concept that inspired me to take up this course, which covers this interesting subject in the syllabus.

Thus have I heard, the heart of Buddha’s teaching is the Dependent Origination or Paticca-samuppada in Pali. As I search through the Internet, not only in Theravada school of teaching that we learn about Dependent Origination, in fact it is the core teachings in all schools of Buddhism. In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a vivid illustration of the ‘Wheel of Life’ which symbolically illustrate the ‘twelve links’.

The term ‘twelve links’ can be synonym to the term Dependent Origination, which explain the chain of cause/condition that lead to other causes/conditions. The links form a circle like the Samsara circle of life.

It is mind-opening to learn from Thich Nhat Hant, who coined the term “Interbeing” where this Dependent Origination can be rationalized as the mutual interdependence of human relationships, ie. people with people or people with nature.

The gist of the whole process is described as follows :-
With Ignorance (Avijja) as condition, Volitional Formations (Sankhara) arise.
With Volitional Formations as condition, Rebirth-Consciousness (Viññana) arises.
With Consciousness as condition, Name and Form (Nama-rupa) arise.
With Name & Form as condition, Six-Senses (Salayatana) arise.
With Six-Senses as condition, Contact (Phassa) arises
With Contact as condition, Feeling (Vedana) arises
With Feeling as condition, Craving (Tanha) arises
With Craving as condition, Clinging (Upadana) arises
With Clinging as condition, Becoming (Bhava) arises
With Becoming as a condition, Birth (Jati) arises
With Birth as condition, Aging and Dying (Jara-marana) arise.

Firstly, Ignorance clouds all right understanding. Like in corporate conscious competence theory, ignorance is like the first stage of unconscious incompetence – you don’t know that you don’t know the Noble Truths.

Dependent on ignorance, give rise to Volitional Formations, or conditioned things. An action whether good or bad rooted in ignorance which must necessarily have their due results. Dependent on volitional formations will create Rebirth-Consciousness which links the past with the present.

Simultaneous with the arising of rebirth-consciousness there come into being Mind and Body. The Six Senses are the naturally consequences of the mind and body. Contact sets in because of meeting with an object before leading to Feeling.

When feelings arise, Craving and then Clinging is produced. Ultimately, craving is the second Noble Truth - the cause of Dukkha. And more craving eventually leads to clinging or attachment. This clinging in turn, conditions future birth or Becoming. Naturally, when Birth takes place, so is the inevitable cause of Aging and Dying.

These twelve links can be expressed in reversed order.

Without birth there is no death. One conditions the other in a mutually dependent relationship. Our becoming in the world naturally is conditioned by the clinging to ideas and objects. This attachment and clinging in turn cannot exist without desire or craving as its condition. Craving comes into being because there is sensation in the body which we experience as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. When we crave something, it is the sensation induced by contact with the desired object that we crave rather than the object itself. Sensation is caused by contact with such objects of the senses. The contact or impression made upon the senses is itself dependent upon the six sense which themselves are dependent upon the psychophysical entity that a human being is.

Clearly, this natural cycle as discovered by the Buddha is just like laws of physics, they are universal and applicable everywhere. We do not just believe in the creator of the universe.

A very profound philosophy of the Dependent Origination may be read as such,
“When this is, that is.This arising, that arises.When this is not, that is not.This ceasing, that ceases.” - Samyutta Nikaya 12.61

The Four Noble Truths which is closely associated with the Dependent Origination teach us that release from the cycle of Samsara is possible. In the resolution of ignorance, volitional formations, craving and clinging there is liberation of birth, death and the attainment of Nirvana (third Noble Truth).

The purpose of learning and understanding the heart of Buddha’s teaching is meant for self awakening and not merely for knowledge sake. I have come to realize that we need to practice mindfulness in our everyday lives especially being mindful of the “feeling”, and watch if the “feeling” give rise to “craving”. This simple yet profound exercise can be practiced at work, at home or anytime especially when in contact with people. With this spiritual peaceful mindset, it is no wonder that Buddhists are found to be happy people.

With this mindfulness cultivation, I appreciate the conditions that allowed me to be in touch with the concept of Interbeing, and the science and art of the Dependent Originations.

The teacher who first taught this subject to me when I was just a wondering teenager is the same teacher who is teaching this course now -- Bro. Ananda Fong. Talk about Interbeing or metaphysic of volitions?

to be happy or not to be happy for her? and why not?

i hope when i blog about people, nobody will read my blog. who do i wanna blog about now? just a girl who lived an extraordinary life than mine. so why am i so narrow-minded, not feeling excited to receive her with my open arms and don't feel genuinely happy for her as she return to her home country?

she reminded me of this feeling i had with my estranged best-friend many years ago. the love-hate type of feeling, the feeling is not a happy one. its like i don't truly feel happy for them, and i find it hard to understand why i have this feeling.

so i ask myself is it because of i feel envy? you know they're supposed to be your friend, and you're supposed to be happy for your friend whatever mega-life-changing decision your friend may choose. deep down inside me, i'm not 100% truly happy for them, and i wonder why.

say if i meet her, what do i say? "hey you're back! i'm so happy for you!"
or "hey you're back! i'm not exactly happy for you!"

maybe i could just keep to myself and don't bother speaking up my mind, continue resort to my wonderment.

maybe its the envy feeling, but i thought i believed i have a bigger heart than to let envy drawn out my metta/karuna/mudita/upekkha. maybe its my ego, i think my way of thinking is better/holier than thou, thus feeling more sorry than happy for people. maybe time will tell if they are indeed truly happy with their drastic life choices, happy from what people can see outside & yet gratified inside.

when time has proven that their mind-boggling life-changing decision is indeed the wise path... then its for theirs to keep. not for me to question. i shall just try to be kind with my words for now.

my posting on chor-4 of CNY2010 from office...

The tradition has been broke for this Chinese New Year. It's the first time that I'm not with my parents for reunion dinner. And because ah-joon is not around this year, the Quek family has broken the 30-year-old tradition of the 3 Quek brothers (and their family) coming together for reunion dinner. The 3 brothers had their respective dinner with their own family... my dad who refuse to go out to eat, insisted on eating at home with the presence of the ancestor altar. It must be very private with just my parents and my bro at home. While I was at my chinese wedding venue - the same Tai Thong restaurant with 2 Wong brothers (and their family).

On the first day of CNY, my ah-soh actually swept and mopped the floor when I was out of the house for about an hour. I returned to my parents to pai-nian and just to be home. My new home will never be the same as my parents home where I grew up in. There's alot of cleaning and wiping dry the plates after every meal. At my new home, there's always a place for everything, ie. the mop cannot be in the toilet but only at the store room. The dry food stuff should be inside a basket which is kept inside the tall cupboard.

Of course why should I complain, in my new home there are new practices which are good practices. I should learn to take it in stride whatever that don't match my old habit / pattern. The truth of life is everything changes, little by little.

I must learn to keep and maintain my own jewellery box. I need to be patient with my new front loading washing machine. I must not react whenever I hear something ridiculous from my f-i-l. Oh well the list goes on... even for being in a husband-wife relationship... there's so much giving and forgiving that I need to adhere to if not, even for the silliest of reason, there could be war.

There is nothing really larger-than-life to blog about, perhaps the uncertainty of death itself would serve as a reminder to me to count my blessings. I attended 2 funeral wake service in this CNY itself... what a great way to start the Tiger year. Perhaps the witnessing of guan-yin-niang-niang manisfesting into the body of er-jie is a big deal... but the deep poetic advice from niang-niang stem from teachings of the Buddha --> Dhamma. I could feel the sincerity of niang-niang sincerity and earnestness in trying to help the people to practise the Dhamma, my tears fell when she bid her farewell to the audience and left from er-jie's body with a few big burps.

The lessons I must not forget to reap the blessings of the wealth deity & goddess of mercy:-
1. living with family in harmony / filial peity / respect your siblings
2. smile often to the people around you
3. be charitable to those who are needy

Niang-niang advised that for whatever I truly aspire for, our wish will be granted provided we are sincere and work hard towards our aspiration. This is like the exact 'secret' that we are all well aware off. Hey perhaps if I wrote a book about "what niang niang said" it could be a best-seller too!

This year.... I don't really have a big wish for my career, I'm happy for who I am and where I am, perhaps I'll just continue to lend my support to my team and thus support the systems which support the bank. The only major wish that is more like my mission my travel plans, ie. mission to Hanoi in Oct 2010, mission to Bangkok in Nov 2010, mission to Shanghai in 2011 and mission to Europe in spring 2012. All this will need money of course...

No I will try as much as I can not to touch on the surplus money that we received from our wedding dinner angpows. We're going to put it aside, set up joint account and invest the money. Sayang will need to change his old proton with an MPV for his floral biz. There is no plan for baby and not until I've accomplished all my travel missions.

Life goes on as usual after the wedding and after CNY as an ang-pow giving aunty. I wish for the world for everyone and I wish everything for the world. May all be well and happy.

crapping... after so long not crapping...

I've not blogged for a long time, until I don't have the motivation to blog, because it takes time and a lil effort to type. Today I attended yet another church wedding ceremony... the 'moment' that everybody was waiting for - that picture was not clear! sharrkk... I got the guts to get on the stage to shoot from the other angle from all the other pro lenses.. but the picture from my lense turned out to be not sharp.

But I'm not going to kill myself for that... am trying to learn to have lower expectation, cos its good for my heart. I know I have difficulty breathing esp when I'm not conscious enough to breath properly when I get excited.

There was this email fwd to me, which I thought struck a chord in me.. an interview with a heart specialist >>

Qn: What are the ways in which the heart is stressed? What practices do you suggest to de-stress?
Ans: Change your attitude towards life. Do not look for perfection in everything in life.

As I'm blogging now, I'm publishing my coursemate's wedding photos. Just last Saturday, I had the chance to shoot at this really cool catholic church, for schoolmate's wedding. Although I must admit there's a lil envy in the air... but as I look deeper into the lense, what I should be envious of is this girl (whom I hardly associate with, whom I don't really enjoy being with, who got married to a rich guy) have really close buddies that she could be proud of to be her bridemaids/bestman! I knew the bridemaids and bestman were her primary school classmate since std1! Me? I have no contact with any of my primary school classmates, except for EM whom I hardly talk to in secondary school anyways. Now that I have to buy home appliances, then I get to talk to her abit more.

Life... somethings you like... some things you don't like. You can't have it all the time all the things that you like and not accept the 'whole package' the good, the bad and the doh-ness. I'd like to have pretty qipao for my chinese wedding dinner, but I'm supposed to wear kwa. So of course I could go change, from kwa to qipao, but I don't like the idea of changing in the middle of a wedding dinner and miss out that few minutes... but if I don't change how the hell am I going to wear 2 two different dress in one dinner? I'm a nut case. Then I also know that a qipao is only nice if u have really hot / slim bodyshape... which obviously I don't have. So forget it?! Hmmm... if I don't wear a nice long qipao at my wedding, I probably won't wear it at any friend's wedding dinner.

And then there's the small budget to live with... I can't have it all. I have to be contented even if its your own wedding... to be happy and feel honoured that I do have friends.. and family.. who will be happy for me for getting married. They will be happy even if I don't have the most gorgeous dress, they will be happy even if I don't have a slim figure, they will be happy even if I'm just being the siow me... why be cranky about not losing the kilos, or not knowing where/how to get the prettiest qipao that fits, or not having enough money to splurge on my wedding?

Just like my new house that soon will be my new home, I love the olive-green colour on the kitchen wall... i love the floral-pendant light we bought for dining area.. I can't understand why sayang want 'spotlight' for living room ceiling... he want birdcage for the porch lamp... he prefer the plain simple warmlight for the bedroom... nevermind... there are somethings that just can't be explained, and I have to learn to accept it. I can't have everything that I want that I like... Did you know that I don't like grill for windows... cos it looks like living inside a cage or a human-zoo. I worship freedom, I like big pieces of glass. I don't fancy birdcage becos it is = a cage = no freedom. But everybody is telling me > how can you not have grill for your window? Err... so what did I pay my monthly maintenance/security fee for?

I like dangling stuff. I wish I can hang strings of crystals draped down from the ceiling acting as room partition / or just for deco. But sayang don't like... future-in-law also don't like.

Hmm... what else to crap about? Megasales.. i wanna go shopping.. thought of getting a pair of wedding shoes, but i know i won't be able to take it standing / walking for long hours wearing high-heels. So what's the point of buying expensive high-heel fancy wedding shoes? Just for photographer to shoot it before I wear it in the morning? I wish I don't have to wear shoe inside the house during all those tea-ceremony.. knowing all my uncles and aunties will want to take turn for me to pour tea for them.... and there i have to stand in those high-heels? Gossshhh... i wish i can be like AnnNgw, saw her wearing a flat zebra-stripped shoe, so comfy! If i wear that, my mom is going to yak yak yak yak yakyak yak yak yak yka yak yak yak yak.... until u wish ur deaf.

You know this wuliow life... there's this ROM coming up, and sayang ask who am i inviting to vihara for the simple signing, blessing ceremony & vege lunch at annalekshmi next door. He said "how about people that we're not inviting for the wedding dinner?" Dohh... means ppl who not close!?! cos if they're close friends, they would be in the dinner invitation list! Siggh... so now I also don't know who to ask to come for the ROM and join in the lunch. Actually I'm thinking - just chinchai ask - who like to see how Buddhist / temple ROM is like are welcome to come and witness! How often do people get the chance to see witness a Buddhist temple blessing & marriage solemnisation? I'll be most glad to have all those not-so-Buddhist-inclined friends and relatives, esp my Christian relatives to come to a Buddhist temple! :D Just for experience sake! I've attended so many times - a church wedding... I wish people have the chance to attend a buddhist temple ceremony!

OK finish crapping. Will be going to spca tomorrow morning, bringing my sunday school class students. Did I tell u, there's a new boy in class, and he proclaimed that he's a christian, and he's just there to obey his mom. Cos his parents sorta forced him to come to Buddhist sunday school. I asked why are you a christian when both your parents are Buddhist? He couldn't answer. I said - so you joined CF in school? He cheerfully said yes. Because of friends you joined CF? Well.. uh ha. It's gonna be interesting for me this second half of the school term... but I guess the Dhamma teachings is still the same, I must be conscious that I shouldn't just pay attention to him just because he's more challenging, and neglect the other 3 girls who are very obident and very willing to practise the Dhamma. They don't come late for puja, they sit through puja diligently, bow their head with palms folded when they see a monk. And the boy? When he heard that puja means chanting he said he don't to be excused from it, cos he's a christian. I roll my eye... but yet at the same time I want to reach out to him... I want to show him, its basically about compassion and metta and generosity... later in life, he will have the wisdom to read deeper if he's inquisitive enough, curious enough to find out what is this Dhamma all about. I know that I don't need to label anyone a Buddhist or a Christian, as long as human beings are virtuous, and are capable to care & share, able to practise all the nilai-nilai murni that students have to memorize in school... that is Dhamma. And people of all labels should just embrace the differences and diversity of life.

People must learn how to choose/decide what is right and what is wrong, using their own human intelligence.

Enough... go sleep!

To say or not to say...

You know about my bro's big hooha solo-trip to US for training for a week... so this is my story. Well, my parents kept thinking that I'm jealous of my brother because he get to go to USA while I don't. Of course the natural reaction would be to answer "no I'm not jealous! why would I be jealous?"

Then because of this typical denial reaction, my dad will assume that you are jealous and will continue harping on it. Like saying "oh I've told your bro to tapao some snow in a bottle for you as souvenir".

*menjeling mata & doh*

Say if you rewind the whole conversation from the start, and you do not react the typical way of denying, say being silent or neutral.... whatever. Then my dad will say "why you got nothing to say? nothing to say because you jealous leh!"

*menjeling mata & doh*

So what I'm trying to conclude is that, in my family, talking to my parents is always like "sai-hei". You keep quiet - they react. You react - they react. And the whole point of me being jealous or not is not even a concern because I am (I believe I am) impartial and most of the time neutral! Maybe years back, when I was crazy about travelling, maybe then I'd feel envious of other people who get sent to overseas (far far away) for training, while knowing I don't stand a chance.

Now, esp now that I'm trying to comprehend the wisdom of the secret / positive mental imprints (Diamond Cutter book) & living in the present (Ven. Sanghasena's advice ingrained to my head).

Jealous or not jealous, that is not the question. While driving out of the house one night, after being barged by my parents about the whole how-to-skype-my-bro-in-US-drama... I thought of my pity cousin brother living in the same house. If only my cousin can even get half of the care & concern from parents (like mine).

My dad esp do not care for him, and have always disliked him. He doesn't have a dad who will care for him since he was 6 yo. His mom is kinda reserve & quiet, living alone in Taiping. Unlike being my brother, who has a good job, a nice gf, a charming look, a very positive outlook of life, a nice black persona to drive, extremely popular with his friends... and most significantly, my bro who receive most concern by parents who worry about him first time travelling to the other end of the globe!

So now you see, its not about me being jealous or being nonchalant. This world seems unfair in the sense that some ppl (like me & my bro) are so lucky and have such wonderful caring parents to thank for... while some people don't have a parent, or don't even have proper care & concern by parent, or their parent is just not there for them.

I am still stubborn afterall... I don't see myself changing my attitude to be nicer or more concern for people. I don't know 'how' not to doh people around me when they annoy me. But I'm beginning to know how NOT to get annoyed or not to react to potential annoyance.

If answering your parents is hopeless, and not answering is useless... better just remain silent. I read this Buddhist saying somewhere :

If what you wanna say is not true & not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true but not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true & useful, say it at the right time.

1 wedding & 2 funerals

I wanted to share about my interesting experience over the weekend. I try very much not to tell people that we attended a wake before and after a wedding in Melaka. Cos people may 'pantang'... but I guess being Buddhist, there's nothing to 'pantang' about.

The morning religious wedding ceremony was quite symbolic, with puja + chanting + hymn singing & blessing by a monk. Only a little weird cos everyone else had to stand up through out the whole ceremony including the monk except the bride & groom... Doh! So being restless, I'll walk around trying to take pictures lah... was trying out the new 50mm lense which is a problem if I try to compete with other fellow photographers all blocking my view while shooting for an 'event'. Maybe it's really meant for object/model shooting purpose only.

After the religious & tea ceremony, there's a long afternoon break to spend time before going for the wedding dinner. So me, myee & sisV tag along to ddvw's dad wake, which is actually not far away. Coincidently rev. Mahinda coming at 2pm for blessing... which turn out to be a blessing + meditation + short Dhamma talk... fuiyo that's very meaningful for a Buddhist wake / funeral. No chang chang noise, no crying, no sadness... just smiles and reflections. Rev Mahinda shared about his experience teaching Dhamma to his mother and how his mom practised the Dhamma, how she overcome the pain while suffering from cancer before her passing. Also talked about sharing of merits.

I came dressed in a dress white+black in colour, so it was fancy enough for a wedding event, also sombre enough for the wake. Bf dressed in blue+brown, while sisV attire was blue+white... so we were like ever ready to attend both wedding & funeral!

At night the wedding dinner was most fun! It was sort of a peranakan wedding, a peranakan wedding must have music/band and joget! That's what I heard from MODians... and wow it is true. It didn't take long before I was also part of the syiok-sendiri people tapping their shoes happily at the parquet dance platform... at some point, I was 'dancing' with NW's 2yo kid... yeah the boy can be really cute when you forget that he's naughty. He kept coming back to pull me out from my chair to go the dance floor! It's like he's done it before in his past life... I didn't dress in the nyonya kebaya unlike many of the locals there. Found out that the nyonya kebaya blouse is EXPENSIVE!

Many people danced along at the wedding dinner, to golden oldies played with e-keyboard that you'll never hear it at a trendy KL/PJ hotel wedding dinner. The fun part is how the very young and the very old all came together to dance naturally! Only the not-so-young-but-not-so-old people watching ;)

I felt like I'm attending a 'Malaysian' wedding dinner of the Tunku Abdul Rahman era. They say baba-nyonya people is actually a minority group in Melaka, they're neither chinese nor malay.... maybe they're just Malaysian!

So what happen to the 2nd funeral? Well that's the boy who stayed along the same street as me.. whose funeral is also Sunday. By the time I reach home from Melaka, it was almost 11am... and Myee made the turn from the main road to my house, which incidently head-on with the hearse. That's my last chance to send metta to the deceased... his family members were lining up ready to 'send' him off.

My eyes instantly went wet.

As I reached home, I came to know that he was only diagnosed with leukaemia a month ago. He had a girlfriend of 2 years. His medical bills surged to 100k.

My interesting weekend taught me a great learning experience and there's alot of Dhamma in it. I was happy and contended. I hope I can maintain this simple blissful state of mind through out my journey of life, but impermanence is the truth of life.

*can you imagine that at my funeral, all my incovar friends will be standing around singing cheerfully 'Truth of Life' with hands movements & actions... and all my relatives / other friends will look at you one kind - you siow ah?*

What will be will be...

There is always good side, bad side. The ups and the down. After spending time with sayang for my fancy bday dinner, I return home to see a neighbour house nearby with tents setup & coffin in the middle, with a picture of young fella wearing the graduation gown in the middle.

Hmm... couldn't be the same boy whom used to sit the same bus with me to school?

Buzz my other primary school mate living on the same street, yeah she's already at the wake service, it was her ex-primary school classmate. I don't know the boy well, but my mom know his mom, and we're the same age. Mom likes to 'tell story' about other ppl's children.

He died of leukaemia.

Should I hop over to pay my last respect? Should I wait for my mom to come home to go together? Now that mom is back, mom ask me "what should I say to the mother when I go see her? When I know the mother will be so sad her son died?"

No words could come out.... *tears rolling down my cheek*

Just continue be thankful that I'm alive still today, on my birthday.

Make Time

Here's a quick sharing I would like to highlight to all who's reading this... (seriously don't know how many is reading).

This morning when I was all ready, waiting for time to pass, suddenly they told me to join in the "Interaction" session which I thought was some 'games' to play. Oh boy I was wrong, it was an inter-group sharing session and mostly were the performers of the eob4 night before. I was there to rep incovar, and that too not all of my members were there... until the end it was just me and Ev. The thing that strucked me, was what bro. OKL narrated...

He was in hospital bedridden for 2 months, and somebody asked him "how do you kill time?" He was so taken aback by that question, he really wondered why such a person would ask such a question, and esp for him, he wouldn't wanna 'kill' time!? He felt that he should "make" time even more so because of the Dhamma. *you kill time, you die faster; you make time, you live longer*

With that, he thanked everyone who esp "made" time to come and put in all the effort in making last night event a success. He also dedicated his thanks to bro Ced beside him, who painstakingly drove back & forth (having working in KL) to Melaka every weekend to coach the children. And he too have to find time and make time to practise for his performance.

Then I thought of so many other people... *ahem* that have excuse or reason for not making time. Even for my own members or even for my own life... I wish to complete that minutes that I've yet to write for last 2 camp mtg but I couldn't 'make' time. I always tend to drift off to 'forget' mode after letting time slip pass me. I've yet to make time to e-file my income tax.

No time to do many things that we could do with INCOVAR or for the youth / Buddhist community. No time to organise my sun sch pj-zone gathering. The list goes on for me & for you...

There, I was in the Interaction, listening to sharing by KK group where the members are only a few, but they make time, together with own family members, to run their choir and sunday school. They even produced their own CD with their very limited resources.

Bodhi is a mandarin based music group. They presented songs that were very 'modern' and contemporary that would appeal to any youths. I certainly think they deserve the premiership recognition in energy level, contempory approach to reaching out to youths and Dhamma propogation. They even perform their puja through MUSIC! Yes not chanting... they composed it themselves. *hand clasp*

Spore KMSPKS group as expected, shared about their major post-Wesak big scale Gratitude mix-pop-Buddhist concert. Ready with contempory-designed brochures and postcards that hopefully would appeal to youths in Spore. They have a bigger challenge - the swamped by evangelism.

I guess... while blogging this... I'm beginning to see the readiness and appeal of incovar-concept that have the be the potential to spearhead Dhamma proprogration to youths.

The future will be more bilingual than just english-speaking or mandarin-speaking. It's very unfortunate for any Chinese to ignore Chinese-language, and it's a defect for any Malaysian not to use English.

How different is everybody's mindset? We're all Malaysians who enjoying music and singing and having fun.... no matter if we're from north, south or central region... no matter if we're young or old... no matter if we're newbie or experienced in the knowledge. Dhamma ultimately will be understood and be helpful to all beings.

..where was I....?... hmm... incovar... premier... inspiring...contemporary... I'd love to walk the talk, to be part of the synergy & the team to make it possible.

How to "make" time?