I'm not going to let past this period of my lifetime not penning down what has happened from January 2020 until now its April 2020 and the Covid-19 virus pandemic is creating a big mess to the whole world. Recession is so expected to come and well people are dying from it. I'm praying really hard for the safe recovery of Bro. Jerry Ong, he really need alot miracle prayer and blessings for him to overcome this ordeal as he is suffering alone in the ICU at Sg Buloh hospital.
Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).
Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.
Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!
Women or mothers have this superpower you know....
If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair.... I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).
My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....
In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.
I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.
I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.
There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.
Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!
I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.
I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.
My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.
May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings.
Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).
Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.
Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!
Women or mothers have this superpower you know....
If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair.... I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).
My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....
In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.
I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.
I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.
There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.
Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!
I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.
I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.
My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.
May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings.
