My Life now is like Dead-end

It takes alot mental energy to think of how to bring back the wooden playpen/cot used by myniece at my parents house. Before that i borrowed a plastic playpen. All didnt work. My mil wld still entertain my son and carry him everywhere whenever he fusses just a little.

All my wishes, my planning, my hope... in reality is dead.

I cannot raise my voice at her because she is not my own mother. She is my mil. Nobody can raise his/her voice at her, even her own sons are so polite and kind with her. Because she is after only toooo kind!

Nobody can truly comprehend my shitty mind-disturbing & pathetic situation that i face every day. People say i dont know how to appreciate her. Yes really i really dont know how! I never ask her to soooo kind! She doesnt listen. She does things her way. She impulsively come over to carry my son although im handling him!!! Who is the mother?

How to appreciate for something that i dont want??!!

I dont want her to lose weight because of my son. I dont want her to have no chance to eat a simple tongsui that she took out fr fridge & put in back in fridge for 3 consecutive days!!!

I hate it each time she mention "you eat first la!!"

I hate it each time each time she stand up from her seat while having her meal to come over to my son....

I hate to know my son would rather look for his grandma when he wants comfort. OMG am i not the mother who loveeeees my own son to bits??! Am i not the mother who'd pump and pump and breastfeed my son everyday? Did you know that even a fully breastfeeding caring mom like me is replacable as a mother? I can just move to spore to work and still pump milk and ship the milk back to my son for her to feed.

I cannot complain. Because im the one who should appreciate my lovely kind and sacrificial mil. It would break my husband apart if he has to choose btwn his mom or me. No Dhamma teacher would condone my 'evil' mind. I cannot tell her off like how i doh all my own relatives and inclding my own parents. Im at peace with myself. No need to pretend to be nice. But with her... i have to behave myself. I cannot say things too blunt. I must filter my words. I cannot be my natural sarcastic self. I cannot scream and shout my displeasure on my facebook anymore because she is also on fb.

I need to go for marriage counselling therapy.

My life is dead.

Blog at work at 2am?!

In the office now for my ungodly hour night shift work. (just as I was typing this the pmo lady came to question me my whereabout between 12.30am to 1am... i'm like WTF??!)

Anyway, I had wanted to blog about my (oh what else now I feel like a broken recorder going on and on again on the same issue) but then I notice there's no such entry in my blog. Who knows 10, 20 years down the road I can read back and laugh about it :P 

I know I love my parents ALOTTTT! But when it comes to parents-in-law, how can I share the same kind of love and gratitude towards them? Is it easy for you? Well recently a friend I know from Sunday school told me she had began to love her MIL even more than her own mother! She even hug and kiss her MIL, and never do that with her own mom. I still cannot do that and cannot imagine if I can ever reach that stage. (i'm not a very showy with affection type of person to begin with)

I appreciate the every little things my MIL does for me and my son. But on the other hand, all the affection and love that she showers her grandchildren, can be interpreted as 'spoil market' (if I'm being sarcastic). Like how I read post on a mummies fb group about MIL -- if they don't care, you will feel you wish for some help, if they care/love too much, you will feel overwhelm. 

There is this thought in my head, on why I feel strongly about my MIL behaviour, it could be because I'm actually on the same boat as her! She is the mirror of me. She care too much for people (sounds like me?) and she likes to keep herself busy (yahh when do you see me stop?) and she's willing to give everything to her sons (like wouldn't any mom on this planet?!). 

Just as I always feel like choking up living in the same house with my inlaws, I must breath in. I cannot shout back. I shall not raise my voice (goshh do you know how often I raise my voice against my own parents??!). Women generally is at the disadvantage. Women gotta marry into the husband family and try to adapt into the husband family culture / norm. But do you think I can humble myself to pay so much respect and put up so much patience with my 2 elderly folks who happen to the parents of the guy that I so happen to agree to get married with? When its 10-20 years later, when pil become very old and perhaps need constant care as they age, will I be so big-hearted to be the care-giver?

I grew up ingraining into my head that I must care for my parents with they're very old and couldn't take care of themselves anymore.... but I never ever thought I'd have to do that for someone's else parents?!! What about my own parents? They don't need me to take care of them when they're old?!! I want to continue to be my parents' amazing daughter! 

Yes, I know my pil would prefer living together with me (the 2nd dil) rather than 1st dil. Isn't it unfair?! Well I can't "complain" it this way, cos its a compliment that people like me more. But "being like" has the disadvantage, where people would expect you to do the job. 

I wish I can make an aspiration (heck why not just make THE aspiration right away) -- I WANT TO OWN A CORNER LOT LANDED PROPERTY that comes with a nice garden, so that the house is bigger than my current honeyhut. Perhaps with a bigger space, I can hide out with my son in the other corner without being heard/seen. Its just overwhelming to have 2 or 4 pair of eyes watching or hands to cradle my son. 

Yes I appreciate the elder generation helping and taking care of the younger generation. But to the extend of pampering them?! Why has society changed? I don't remember my grandma spoiling / pampering me the way the new age grandma does!

ISsshhhhh.... the end. Back to work.

6-May-2013

It's the day after the 13th General Election with the dirtiest tactics used by you-know-who to win the parliament. Disgusted really I am. Conscience - where art thou? 

Aside from feeling bluesy because of the pathetic 13th GE cheatings, I'm also pretty disturbed by my current life situation which is very difficult to change. I know I've been reminded time and again, to be thankful for having such a lovely nice mil, I must learn to appreciate her... yes. 

But somewhere inside me have this tendency to wonder or to question how 'nice' can she really be or is she trying to be hero. You know the olden days sacrificial women who would go all out and even die for her husband? Maybe she is really like that old school, that I find it too tough indeed to stomach in. How can she still accept it when her husband repeated scold her "you stupid! stupid!" 

The fact is I cannot tolerate my fil being a MCP (male chauvinist pig) flaunting his aggressive remark towards his own family members, I also seem unable to accept that the oppressed keeping mum about it, as if to accept that it is ok to be bullied. 

No I cannot accept. My patience and tolerance level seems to reaching a threshold, I'm afraid if one fine day my heart will burst and I'd lash out with a sharp tongue. I know I am so capable of hurting people, please don't let me. 

Question - how long more can I tolerate before I burst? Should I take steps to diffuse the tension inside me and meanwhile not hurt anybody? 

Oh ya... Buddha say whatever decision or action that we might take, it might not hurt thyself and not hurt others. I will try to be mindful, that my secret plan would not hurt anybody.  

Just for the record ~
1. I don't want my mil to spoil my only son. 
2. The fact is that my mil is overly nice (lotsa metta), but she is also a very intense reactive person, which may not necessary be a good thing (lack of upekkha).
3. I cannot take the responsibility if my mil injure herself in the course of babysitting my child. I'm very worried if she fell down due to slippery floor or when she trip after running towards my son. 
4. My fil is living alone now as my mil moved in to live with us just to babysit my son. Some people don't think its fair to split up the old folks, they should be together, all the more so as they're already aging.
... 


If I want, I can continue giving all the excuses to comfort me, in my secret plan that cannot be revealed. Not even to my husband, who would not be able to comprehend. This is his parents that I'm talking about. 

Am I selfish? 

I just wish I can strike a balance, drive towards a moderate path, comprised approach, to be solely (if not 50-50) responsible for my son's upbringing. And to be at peace with my heart and mind.

To be mummy to baby Ariya Wong Zi Ren

It's not easy to blog about this strenuous unimaginable experience of childbirth, breastfeeding and being a new mummy.

Confinement period is over for now, it was a relief but still I am advised against drinking stuff I like. 

Breast engorgement was awfully painful during the 3rd day after delivery when I got home from hospital. 

Within the first week of breastfeeding, I was emotionally and physically so tired, deprived of sleep, its the worst fatigue. That's when I was with my first confinement lady (she worked for 4 days only). On the following week, I got a 2nd confinement lady (truly lucky of me... my good karma) who insist on mother-must-rest policy, hence I had to keep expressing milk for her to feed ebm for my baby. I was "tango-ing" with my 2nd CL, cause I wish to direct latch more and she wants to bottle feed ebm every time! It's also good that when she feeds baby esp in the middle of the night, I can get to catch up with my deprived sleep....  its like trying to put in practice the 'middle way' (all the Buddhist teachings is really being put to real test). 

The whole experience of confinement and being a new mother is just like attending a Buddhist retreat! Alot of "mind over matter" and being mindful inside me. Not expecting baby to suit mummy's wish, but for me to learn to adapt / adjust / fine-tune / accept baby for being himself! 

Ariya Wong Zi Ren is 6 week old this week.... I'm pretty glad that he manage to sleep till 3am and go back to sleep by himeslf on the cot after feed. It was a breakthrough! 

Mummy's secret wish is for Zi Ren to be able to self-sooth and go to sleep himself after night feed, and learn to sleep through the night soon.