This is my fight song

On 2nd Nov when my immediate boss came back from Deepavali, I braved myself to walk up to his cubicle to show him the letter sealed in a lousy envelope. He was calm and collected as usual but totally did not expect it to happen again. In Sep last year, I had the experience of tendering my resignation letter but was then rejected. That time I was naive. I didn't foresee what would happen after I'd tender, which is coaxing and sweet talk from my boss to make me stay.

I'm being reminded fiercely this time around, not to be soft hearten, and brave through the resignation saga, be firm this time - no retraction! On the next day while on leave and while driving alone, my lunch buddy whats-app me that news had spread. So as it sink in me that my bosses had finally accepted my resignation - emotion sets in. I cried in my car (first time overwhelmed with tears due to my leaving).

Well I have quite a number of ex-colleagues who's been rooting for me all these while to finally leave this place for good. Is it that bad? No... I don't wake up everyday dreading to go to work. But I always wonder "what if?" The curious cat inside me has this burning desire to discover WHAT IF i could start a new life in a new job? What if I could actually demand for a higher salary? What if I could finally be attached with a Malaysian company? I will NEVER KNOW if I never took the first step (of this thousand-mile journey). What if I started working under my fellow ex-Acn cllg from way back then? I KNEW he is a very happy-go-lucky cheeky guy. I haven't worked with him, but I sense the aura of good nature.

Not to say that my existing boss has a bad aura, my immediate boss and his boss are 2 guys that honestly I can't decipher their true nature. In Chinese, we call them - 鬼. What they tell you today may not be what they mean tomorrow. Well I should not gossip more about what I think about them, it's not going to help me improve myself. The one thing I do learn from them is how to be tactful and deceptive in communication. I don't have to give away all that I know, I must filter and process my answer, when answering different people. This way people won't know what's on your card! Why does it have to be us against them?

There was an article I read about why good employees leave, and I concur essentially, and I wish to highlight :

6. Lack of trust
Your employees have a vantage point for viewing your behavior and weigh it against your commitments. If they see you dealing unethically with vendors, lying to stakeholders, cheating clients, or failing to keep your word, the best and most principled of them will leave. The rest, even worse, will stay behind and follow your lead.

I know I'm surely going to miss my fella colleagues. In fact so many people has come and go during my 8-year stint in this company. I'd always wished to hop to a new company ever since my first Windows-funny-guy-teammate PFM left, just one month after my 1st Windows team HOD resigned. Then I had to deal with mr. ST big boss who was extremely long winded, who could take 2 freaking' hour sharing about his point of view, and my 2nd Windows team mr. nice K; both of them left just as I was only 2-month pregnant. If I was not pregnant, big boss offered me the chance to be acting team-lead to replace K! Though I wanted to be a leader, but I'm not ready to be a Windows-team team leader.

All in all.... like a friend once told me, being a mom, is really not suitable to be in the Windows support role. Of course nobody is stopping a woman to out wit, out play, and out last in this male-dominant technology industry . I must admit it is MORE difficult for a mom to shine and to climb high compare to their male colleagues, even with the same mindset & passion. I've always thought of those high achiever corporate leader mom as "supermom"!

Seriously can I really have the best of both a successful career and a healthy balanced family life? Have you seen a very successfully corporate leader mom, who could also nurture her offspring dutifully? Perhaps I should make a sincere aspiration to meet my corporate supermom mentor sooner or later. I know the author of the book "Lean In" -- Sheryl Sandberg, if she could have 3 kids and still be the Chief Operating Officer in Facebook. Well I haven't read the book yet, I must do it when I travel to Hong Kong this year end with my sayang & my cheeky boy.

~*~

Updated: 13th Nov  2016

The second time I cry for the same leaving-my-8-year-old-job-boo-boo, was last Friday after work, while driving to catch up with my ex-colleagues buddies for dinner. It was pretty overwhelming thinking of meeting all of them again after a long while, and how I felt surreal that I'm finally leaving my present job and to join all of them as one ex-UOB.

I spent 6 years in primary school, 6 years in secondary school, 4years+ in University... being in UOB for 8 years is the longest 'stay' I ever experienced in my life! It's during these 8 years, I had my wedding, my baby was born, I was a fully breastfeed mummy for 10-months, I was juggling having 5 new bosses every year for my first 5 years... what else? I had a miscarriage, I had a promotion, I had a PIP....

Enough is enough! Each time I think about my Windows-team work load, I think of nerve wreaking, neck breaking quantum of never ending to-do lists.

Today I listened to my son's preschool concert graduation son - Fight Song - tears seep through - I could resonate with the lyrics, with all these emotions surrounding me at this point of my life ~*~

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

How to "have compassion"?

This is what sayang said to me "have compassion" (referring to his parents, as he couldn't choose his father nor his mother for that matter).

I'm not sure if he is indeed having compassion himself towards me. I'm not sure if you can "ask" compassion to be given, if it was that easy, I could just open my wallet and nah - compassion!

As the saying goes - life is always a 'choice'. What option do I want to undertake? I guess at end of the day, my root issue with my self, is as i've let 'chance' to determine my path, and not able to break free to make conscious decision everyday, to be happy! To feel free!

Ok... maybe i should start creating a list... what truly makes me happy, and what I think I really want ::

1. Sit for the Citrix Certified Administrator (CCA) which by now is already a legacy cert, but company has sent me for training, I must make sure I sit for the exam, pass, and get certified! Target July 14th.

2. Play building blocks or read more books together with my son! Inspire my son to learn and encourage him to be good boy ( not just one who likes to manja his grandma only ).

3. Get motivated at work, learn the art of people-management, impress my bosses, get a good raise, or just add value to my career... so that when I really aspire to jump ship, I can land myself with a damn good company, with good benefits, and have a successful career ( that comes with moderate work life balance ).

4. It would be a nice wish, but I know I can't change other people - I wish my sayang would change for me. Sounds impossible eh? Yes I knew it... I just haven't sink in that fact.... maybe perhaps possibly?! Ahhh... but its such a magical wish ain't it? I wish like how the fairy tale weddings are like, where the man would say "yes" to anything the wife say / ask. Like when I say I wanna go Penang book this hotel, you say "yes dear" not "its too expensive we can stay at another place"... so anti-climax! Or when I so syiok sendiri plan for holiday for myself and the family to get away, you want to bring your father along (although I didn't plan to fit him in). Did your brother fit your father in when he plan for his family outing?

5. Go swimming.... like for real! I've gone swimming by myself since giving birth to my son... last I went to pool to paddle in the deep pool is when I was pregnant with Ariya.... oh i really miss swimming the breaststroke.

6. Go shopping! Ooohhh retail therapy... is. so. fun! Wish I'm not that broke, have no money worries, and just spend! I like shopping and buying things as gifts for people! For grandma birthday.. for friends' baby birthday... for christmas present... for myself... for my mil or my parents... ahhhhh...

7. Find  Meet my spiritual master or shifu, in my quest for liberation. Ajahn Brahm? Thubten Chodron? Ven. Amaranatho? Ven. Sing Kan? I. want. to. break. free!

Freedom alas I shall taste... when hunger no more in the haste... may my mind be free from chase... may my life and time not go to waste! 

A little update on my little life

I hope I don't get caught blogging at work. I don't feel like I have much energy today to pull me through til evening. After 2 of my bosses had left, I was sort of put in unofficial acting teamlead for my windows team. Things are fine, its just that I have another acting head replacing my old boss. And this acting head is not to my liking. If I were to remain sain in my job while being pregnant, so not to choke up or suffocate inside, I need to understand him. 'know thy enemy'. To put effort in knowing and understanding people that really annoy you even face level. The hair and the uncle-attitude, the i-want-to-care-but-i-dont-care style of talking... oh my, its only the first month since i need to directly deal with this everything-i-want-to-comment-uncle....

If only i can just leave my boring energy-draining-support work, and fly to a far-away island with beautiful sandy beaches. I miss the ocean & the beaches...

I'm 16 weeks along with my pregnancy. This Friday will go for monthly checkup, maybe can see boy or girl. Not that its important (like what i usually say), but I did wished for (at Veranasi in India, by playing candle-lid flower on the Ganges River) the gender that my sayang prefer. Many times I have to admit "becareful of what you wish for, you might really get it!"

In terms of my work, I wish for nothing now... as im not prepared for a career upgrade. I'm fine with the not-so-fantastic salary that im getting. I don't wish for more workload that comes bundled with the package of career advancement. The higher you climb, the more strategic your brain has to be. Using up brain-cell for over-thinking can be energy-draining!

Let's not wish for anything... other than wish for my baby to be healthy, happy and alive! Of course for all the people around me, my family members esp to stay healthy, happy, in good shape and to be truly alive!

I wish to take care of my body... i wish to go swimming... i wish to find time to practie yoga at my own home... i may wanna re-style my hair?! ;)

Ahhhhh...... bliss*

I'm sorry... I forgive you....

I'm so stressed out that I lashed it out at an innocent aunty who has caught me at the wrong time when i was most busy.

When the mind and body is not in sync, raw emotions can be difficult to be controlled. It's the beginning of the new year 2011 and I'm caught in this stressful never-ending infra support job. I feel like I need to take a break, but I just came back from a Buddhist pilgrimage just last month & that should be enough of a soul-cleasing spree...

There's just too much over-spilling calls and job responsibilities to follow up and to do. I don't see myself staying back LATE to "finish" the work because I will not have any energy left by 7pm when almost everyone has left the office. It's impossible for me to imagine how people can work through the night, or don't sleep for the whole week because of "month end" or "closing" or "project". Maybe the energy that these people drained on is periodical and not constant like in my line of daily-non-stop support job.

I don't wish to say bad things abt this uncle sitting infront of me in office, nor i wish to whine about a similar-annoying-aunty in the Buddhist circle who agitated me today. Somehow I must admit that people like them really get on my nerves so much, its hard to explain why! A friend once said "because you attract weird / strange people". Can this be true? How true is this? How can I get away from associating with them? They're not negative, they don't have ill-will. They're just plain painstakingly annoying and repetitive!

For the same thing that he can ask me to do, he can repeat it 100 times until you've done it. Why not ask other people to do? Cos other people don't sit next to him and worst still don't have the skillset to help him. It's just my somewhat-lousy-boss say "if I know you're good, then I'll let you do more things eventhough I know you already have 10 things on your plate!"

"Some people cannot even do 1 thing, so don't even bother give them do another thing".

....

My sayang certainly disagree with this theory. It works in my IT support line of job... similar to my volunteer work at Buddhist societies, just because you can do it - YOU DO LAH! If not who else to do?!

People can easily say "I don't know how to do la, please help me". Full stop.

Yadayada and all sort of nonsense life-balancing stunt. Oh ya you say its NOT nonsense, and its a birth right to reject and say NO to people asking for help... try being me, in my shoe and when helpdesk agent (with continous non-stop incoming calls) escalate an issue to you, and you reply "I don't know how lah, you solve it yourself lah!"

Its very easy to say "I DONT KNOW LAH"

Butttt... it takes alot alot alot of me to say that.... esp when you know the answer , or you know the way/method that could help the help-seeker. The more you know, the more people want you to help and naturally the more you want to help, perhaps solve a problem faster or in a more efficient way.

Help-seeker will not even bother to try to ask the other person in your same team, who either pretend don't know or really sorry-to-say don't know how to help. Its like a pathetic samsara life cycle or the 'Dependent Origination' where the first cause is "ignorance"... just START with "I Dont Know" and you'll NOT have to go through the whole pointless meaningless endless cycle of suffering.

Is it my ego, that makes me afraid of telling people "I Dont Know lah" fullstop?

My family wants to have a family gathering - call me to arrange for the accomodation.
Helpdesk agents want to solve a problem fast and instantly - call me to fix it.
Annoying aunty want me to send early notice to BGF egroup - call me & sms me to do it x2.
Annoying uncle at work want me to help him remotely upgrade his AS400 software on 3000 over PC bankwide - call me because im the admin for the software deployment system
My uncle want to sell his jackrusell puppies - call me take photo for him & sell on internet
Another uncle want to sell his terrior puppies - call me to teach him how to blog
Mentally handicap girl gets bored at home nothing to do - call me ask when am I taking her out
Sunday school teacher couldn't find a photographer for an event - call me to become photographer

If in one day of my life, there is NO request at all... would I still survive?

What if I tell my uncles - "I don't know how to take photo lah!"
What if I tell mentally handicap girl - "I don't want to take you out lah!"
What if I tell sunday school teacher - "I can't help you lah!"
What if I tell BGF - "I don't want to be secretary or administrator anymore!"
What if I tell BISDS - "I don't want to do anything la!"
What if I tell my aunty - "I don't care about family outing, you all go without me la!"

... can I? can I? or will I?

I just had a revelation about "truly letting go". How do you let go? Do you let go the mess that you've inherited because you cannot take it anymore and pass on to whoever to take over from scratch / clean the shit? Or do you continue to persevere and try to do a proper handover / knowledge transfer / assign & delegate / find a willing successor / train your replacement... before you "truly let go"?

Blackberry.. Grooming...

I'm getting the hang on it... to carry a blackberry. No it's not exactly mine, but I'm being assigned to support it for the company. So my teammate sorta handover the blackberry-support-unit to me, and the best part > I can get connected to msn & check personal email! All through the tiny screen of the blackberry!

OK the tiny keypad is not fun, no it's not for long-winded msn chats. I get dizzy trying to concentrate my eyes on my report on desktop monitor, and fingers pressing on the tiny QWERTY pad in reply to msn msg.

Maybe its cool that I can connect with people online, while on the move in the lrt. Double cooler that the guy standing nearby was looking at me. Hmm... I think to myself, do I want to attract attention by carrying an LV bag with a great bitchy hair or by squinting my eyes trying to use a Blackberry?! Both also will cost alot to me, I'd rather be carrying the gadget!

I'm waiting to see, for how long they'd allow me to use it, with unlimited data access (no voice service). Thus practically breaching bank's security policy. But in the whole bank, there's only 27 users, only HOD & CEO have it... and now I have it - instead of for critical business purpose, but for system support :P haha.

~*~

I met some priviledge banking "rm" during a grooming course that I attended last week, trainer was Wendy Lee from ChapterOne. Coming from technical background, I was blur > I didn't know rm means 'relationship manager' and priviledge banking is something 'superior' and to be a banker serving high-net-worth customer, one needs to be very properly groomed, wear business-suit, put on makeup, and... behave like very lansi!

The trainer was surprised that I volunteered myself to join the grooming course, and I was the only one from IT. One look at me as I walk in, she couldn't stand by eyebrow. During the hands-on makeup lesson, she came over to me to 'shave' my eyebrows! I know I learnt alot about attire, makeup, hair, etiquette, etc but I ask myself this (again) > do I really want to follow?

She said, if everybody in your depart do not put on makeup, then you must put on light up. If everybody puts light make up, then I should even be better groomed - for the purpose of to STAND out. She talked about the survey about people getting paid more / climb corporate ladder faster - if they're more attractive / pay attention to grooming.

And she even acknowledge that the wester etiquette that she teaches, can be "keh keh" but what to do, this is the society, where business = english dominant = western culture. Too bad for Chinese ed, we have to learn how to follow the gweilo culture, and the english ed people just have to forgive the chinese ed for being rude / crude / too-straight forward / reserved etc.

I guess through my 6 years in typical chinese primary school, I am classified as chinese-ed, although I can't write / read / speak chinese properly. I don't know how to "keh keh" when I talk to people, I actually have alot to follow & learn in this subject called grooming.

Back to the question -- do I want to STAND out? Do I want to have the edge over others? Will I start putting make up? Will I learn to talk "keh keh" style on the phone? The CHOICE is mine. The trainer reminded that, coming for the grooming course will be wasting time, if we do not choose to change. Change do not happen overnight, but I can gradually change 3-6 months down the road.

To present myself with an image for other people including strangers. What is the image do I want to portray? Do I want to do something about my image that will represent for who/what I want to be?

Actually.. I'm still thinking... and this is no end. I've been questioning myself since I was a teenager - and I'm still questioning myself now - and I have not settled for an answer. I am much more contented with myself than having the motivation to change my image! I don't know why!

Lansi young slutty banker sneered at me "u work in IT can earn much meh?" I doh-ed in my heart, and I know my answer inside, and she won't get it. I care not to reply. I very thankful for having touch base with the spirituality and having kalyana mitras.

Blah blah blah...

At first I found out that my form 3 cousin has her own blog, today I found out my other form 1 cousin sister's blog lagi chun! What is the future if without cyberworld for the youngsters!

I'm already contemplating of making use of the internet / laptop / multimedia to teach the teenage orientation class for next year (for my Sunday school). I cannot tahan seeing myself standing infront of the class holding a textbook or something and trying to pretend to be like a teacher. I think I can relate to being a facilitator or a funny jie-jie who can inspire, rather than one who can stand there to teach / waste my saliva.

Oh talking about saliva and talking... I came to ask myself - if given a choice to go for lunch with a bunch of people who gossip or idle talk, or makan sendiri - which would I choose? I think I'm going for the latter. Its like if I were to have to talk about other people, better save my saliva. Does this make me anti-social? I'm not sure... some people can view me as talkative, yet sometimes I just don't like to talk (not like to listen altogether).

Today I had lunch by myself at pizzahut at Maju junction! How cool is that... wished I had a funky cool cellphone to play with, but nvm I had a pen & rough paper to scribble. The rest of the ladies went for Publisher training. Yeahh.. ultra doh. Why don't they ask me to teach them Illustrator leh! LoL, don't try to be funny. Today one tech-server-guy came over to try to help me with my app crash problem.. he joked that I shouldn't consult my teamlead who don't know computers... "so when you put a person who speak canggih english + a person who dunno computer, what do you get? cannot lah!!" *conversation was in mandarin*

I'm beginning to imagine, that when time comes for appraisal/review, I might wanna ask for switch to the technical-server team... more challenging mah! In here, people don't need to be certified, just engage vendor and bang wall troubleshoot. Here the culture is not so into tai-chi, but trying to fix the problem together with vendor with whatever limited knowledge... worst case is kena scolding - that's all.

It's nice to know that... working in bank... you cannot get fired so easily. So even there's this weird very big size lady who cannot perform/ with attitude problem... still gets sent for training, and given minor task to do! You know contrarary to what other colleagues will bitch about this fat lady, I don't have negative thoughts towards here. She's not done me any harm (yet). I'm not sure if this is gonna be a repeat of my weird primary school life... that I always try to defend the unpopular girl... hmmm will see how it goes. Not many girls will understand what its like being truly overweight, being avoided/scared by people, being not-smart-enough, being singled out. I know it will be very easy for me to make her day.

Metta to all! Wishing sayang will be able to make his trip back to Malaysia successfully without much trouble ;( He's got a major flower job to do this weekend neh!

United!

Will make a quick entry about my new job...

bad :
- no personal email access from office (yahoo mail & gmail is blocked)
- no msn
- no laptop to bring home to abuse
- not as near as excompany
- not in PJ (where I can get mom to pick me up anytime, say go to Uptown...)

....but notice all that kinda superficial level right.

good :
- teamlead is soooo nice & humble! (well maybe its just the first day)
- teamlead has so many soft toys on her desk, its so easy to sweet talk her
- teamlead and teammates actually go to lunch TOGETHER and me & the other new girl are most welcome to join them!
- reminds me of my UPM days where everybody converse in Mandarin... topic of interest 'baby milk' and 'where to find cheapest food' and 'where is my hometown'... so typical! (not forgetting everyone is ever ready with an umbrella)
- they don't talk about work / people during lunch!
- most of them can laugh or know how to laugh!
- nobody gives me the creeps, like saying 'oh you must watch out for so-&-so....'
- infact the manager / ladyboss (ya my karma with female bosses!!) has no issue with time, I can come and go anytime I want, not following the official time, as long as I finish my work!
- nice to know that its OK to leave at 5.45pm sharp ;)
- company have better purchasing power to use more tools / systems for IT work.
- so I get to learn & use the latest version of the Unicenter product (excompany will not wanna upgrade)
- there is no SLA to meet! *wakakakakkakakaa!!!!* (now here's a lubang for me to suggest to them on best practices in IT services... but really its bringing pain to myself, having all the miserable SLA target to meet monthly... its good for the company no doubt... do I wanna put the good of the company before me?)

...well isn't it good enough?

Infact I think the lrt rides, having to switch train & walk abit is good exercise! Or actually, I treat it as opportunity for me to reflect with my time alone, just me and my breathing. Its not easy for me to find this 'time' with just me and my mind, where I have to learn to tame the mind. *wish the air ventilation inside the train was much better, so I don't have to feel no air when trying to breath deeply inside the crowded train*

Let's enjoy and live by the moment. This I've taken home with me from my Ladakh trip, from ven sanghasena.... to live in the present. Worry not of the future, just do your best / stay focus in every present moment.

Career & Trip in 1 story

Today.. back to office after 5days in HK-Macao... while my teamlead is still on leave... I tender my resignation letter to the manager in line. During lunch time, quickly hop on the lrt to jamek to return offer letter to the bank-company duly signed. Ya will be joining a bank IT division probably supporting similar stuff... which I'm actually quite uncertain what it's all about. The interviewer was non-technical manager... and I'm to replace another girl who left. And I wonder if there's gonna be anybody to handover to me if the previous staff already left! The non-technical manager would probably expect to pick up everything by myself eh?! What more... she's looking for a thinker not just a doer!

Anyway, shall not let my mind wonder off too far... just like what I read about current Malaysian political front -- there's no uncertainty only opportunity. Nobody know for sure if DSAI will be the next PM, everybody just wish that something good will come out of the whole situation. Just like my job / career, nobody will know if new company will be good for my future... just expect the least, and hope for the best!

So now what about my HK trip?! Why people seem to like to ask this question. Maybe I'll be more excited if I came back from Europe or volunteering for beijing olympics... somehow, I'm just thankful and glad to be back home to Malaysia.

It was my 2nd trip to HK... which I was hesitating to go in the first place... because I've ALREADY backpacked travel HK-macao before 2 years old during xmas season. What could top that? I've come to acknowledge that travelling during summer / or extremely hot weather is a NO NO! In my 1st trip to HK-macao, I was freezing... in this trip, I was sweating like mad! The heat just took away half of the fun of sight-seeing / walking.

And my legs are itching.... got lotsa red spots like alergy or rashes, and sometimes I couldn't stop scratching it... already got ugly legs now tambah lagi red polka dots... no need to wear skirt liow. Lagi DnD besok... Might be due to the trip to Lantau island, Tai-O fishing village... I saw some tiny insects resting on my legs and I didn't bother to shoo it away. So hot and tired, I was trying to fan myself more than be bothered why the legs are itchy.

Abang stayed in this really fancy high-rise condo on the HK island by the sea side... the balcony overlooking the old airport and other side of HK. Pretty amazing sight from high up 69th floor but not inspiring enough... that I feel like I miss Malaysia!!!

I miss the roticanai & dal... the thosai and milo... they don't have my basic favourite food?! No MILO?! No nasi lemak.. no roti canai.. no sambal... eat dimsum without sauce... I've had enuff of wonton-mee with wonton full of prawns that I have no choice but to swallow it. Else if I dig out all the prawn then dunno eat what. The food is soooo not for me.

Each time we ordered lunch set which comes with a drink, the lansi-waitress will ask if you want coffee or nai-cha (milk tea), I always wanted to say "teh-o"... but I end up confusing her whenever I ask for "do u have anything without milk?!" Brrrrrrr..... ok "ice lemon tea" then. I know I shouldn't drink too much ice-lemon tea but that's the only drink I know how to say in cantonese which I will drink... not coffee not milk tea... and they got no MILO :( Menu are mostly in traditional chinese text which i could hardly make sense off... very pathetic for me coming from Chinese school but that's a fact, I don't understand the menu and they don't care to explain nicely.. or worst, they tend to sound insulting when you can't read.

One lady even say "don't bother reading that, that's in English, u won't know anyway"... *roll eye*

How about shopping? Well i went back to the same ESPRIT outlet store at Tsim Sha Tsui, bringing along the other travel mates. Cos tat's exactly where I went to for major shopping the last trip. Cos it's really tiring bargaining at the Ladies-Street, esp with that sweaty body. Atleast at the aircon big story, there's fitting room! You get to try and try and try and choose from so many ESPRIT apparels... its more rewarding I guess. Later we found out there's more of these 'outlet' stores at Lantau Island... but still not cheap lah... imagine outlets for DKNY, CK, AX, NIKE, Laura Ashley... 70% discount for a HK$5000 LV bag also pengsan neh!

Travelling abroad always make me look back home and appreciate the country that is Malaysia! Maybe can say... once a Malaysian, always a Malaysian?

Sayang bought me chinesy qibao blouse, purple-white colour.. I showed to mom, she said "you buy pyjama?"

Random crapping...

OK so when you broadcast that you're going to buy a house, and looking for a housing loan, there will be people who'll approach you.

We've not decided yet which house loan to take, and we just found out our fella Buddhist buddy is also selling housing loan on top of insurance.

Today as I received my paycheck (with my miserable 0.7 month bonus), my teammate say "consider buy the lady-plan insurance to protect your future ah!"

Aisey... my own teammate has started his P insurance venture, I wish him all the best, he seems more into it than me into selling C ut. He's even considering to quit IT and sell insurance full time. Hmm.. that's the spirit! It's very hard to juggle between office work and another side business (for me), lagi if I also devote another part of my life into non-profit work.

*random crapping sets in*

I don't see myself being really ambitious in my system-support career, its like the other weird complacent ppl who remained stucked in this C company. This know-it-all server guy, who was offered 5figure salary from H company, didn't grab it and stayed on with C company. I think I'm like getting too complacent / autopilot, just like these people... like the IT phrase "if there's no problem in the system, don't fix it!" or "our job is to maintain the operation, and make sure no problem happen".

So I'm like seeing the trend between IT-system-operation-support with my life, if there's no problem just live with it!

*is it true no problem = no life?*

I'm going by the day, by the week, by the month... planning / working / checklisting the tasks to be done. I'm thankful and count my blessings for having no problem. When I couldn't physically be there, I just assign the task / job to someone else to kautim. At work, every problem that I couldn't solve, just "escalate & follow up". *escalation process not taichi :P*

Is this how I want to live my life? So complacent and not complicated? Get a job, get paid, save a little, go enjoy, get married, get a family, get things done. Itu aje... habis cerita.

Apalu mau lagi? Go resign from your job, get working holiday visa? Go start your own business? Go become a politician?

Ahhh... now i recalled my conversation with Gandalf long long time ago, when Gandalf was trying to define me and the choices that I make in life. "You are very straight, you don't make a turn, you just walk the straight path."

WHY?!! Master Oogway say "there is no accident" and that means my conscious / subconscious decisions to walk the straightline is no accident...(??!!?!)

If you know what I'm yakking about...

2nd post for the new year

Seems like my post is once or twice a month! That don't mean there were no thoughts in my head to write... many a times, I thought of something to blog about... then few days later, I totally forgot what I'd wanted to blog about!

I was telling myself, if my brain was a CPU ::
-my local harddisc is 40GB with about 5% available disc space left.
-my RAM would be 1GB for running so many thoughts and multitasking.
-my processor speed could be Pentium 1.5Ghz.

Blah... meaning after I waking up from my sleep, I forget what the brain was processing about... hence I must remember to WRITE down... must write it down.

For this new year, I went for my first interview 'of the sort' for transfer from one account to another, because the other account is failing in the "process" part of deployment and they need someone with operational experience. My teamlead recommended me because I'm more 'operation' where as T is more 'technical'. I'm not sure if I should be happy or not because the new account is currently in the infant stage of all these outsourcing processes... and I feel like it sounds like my new jd would be more consulting based than mundane operation / incident remediation.

After having attended the ITIL training, I learnt to see the bigger picture of ALL the IT services management processes. And in my potential new role, I only need to document the end-to-end process for ONE of the process -- release & deployment process.

The challenge is really not the job, I've been thrown into the deep sea by my former company's stupidest jerk boss to develope ALL the process from start to end, that probably covers all 20 processes by ITIL v3 standard. Blahh... so anyway, my teamlead concern is actually whether or not I would like to work with the leads in the new acc, who is known to be.. cocky.

Ah yes... its been a long time since I've last spoken super fast full english at work. Ok I can't speak super fast (due to my short tongue) but I am so used to rojak mix my chinese & english. The 2 guys who interviewed me, one indian who'll be my lead and one chinese bloke my age who's the manager... were trying to out-speedtalk each other the whole time. I wonder is it because they can speak very well in English that's how they got to climb up so fast. My current 30+ lady teamlead (who speak terrible english) actually hint-hint to me, that the new lead hasn't been very productive.

You know I don't like to generalize... but I tend to see the trend that the nonenglish-ed people tend to be very hardworking and quiet and productive at work, whereas english-ed people who can articulate and communicate very well tend to climb up the ladder faster although not having to produce as much hardwork.

I can be both if I want to. I can put in the effort to attend public speaking course, to learn to speak assertively with the big bosses to create more opportunity for myself... or I can also just be my phlegmatic self and not open my mouth.

So the end point is, I will challenge myself, to take on the new 'process' role, working with 2 cocky dudes, and try my best to deliver what they've failed in AND rest assured learn to get credit for that. I see it as a win-win-win situation. I will have something new & valuable to write for my resume, my own company will have the processes in placed for customer, the customer will ultimate gain from value-added IT services (translated to be cost-saving strategy). Remember :: in crisis lies opportunity!

Current teamlead stressed again that its entirely my choice, if I really want, if I really can get along with the arrogance.... I said, if I really cannot tahan after that THEN change job la! Doh...

This short episode have finally made me to update my resume! *phew* it was last updated in 2006... The prophecy wants me to update my resume and to move on from my current boring operational job!

*yawn* what a boring post... love life is good, family is great, friends are fine, health is usual, incovar is moving, apa nak blog lagi?! Aaahh... belum try meditation retreat lagi....