The weirdest period of my life... well of planet earth!

I'm not going to let past this period of my lifetime not penning down what has happened from January 2020 until now its April 2020 and the Covid-19 virus pandemic is creating a big mess to the whole world. Recession is so expected to come and well people are dying from it. I'm praying really hard for the safe recovery of Bro. Jerry Ong, he really need alot miracle prayer and blessings for him to overcome this ordeal as he is suffering alone in the ICU at Sg Buloh hospital.

Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).

Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.

Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!

Women or mothers have this superpower you know....

If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair....  I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).

My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....

In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.

I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.

I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.

There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.

Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!

I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.

I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.

My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.

May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings. 

This is my fight song

On 2nd Nov when my immediate boss came back from Deepavali, I braved myself to walk up to his cubicle to show him the letter sealed in a lousy envelope. He was calm and collected as usual but totally did not expect it to happen again. In Sep last year, I had the experience of tendering my resignation letter but was then rejected. That time I was naive. I didn't foresee what would happen after I'd tender, which is coaxing and sweet talk from my boss to make me stay.

I'm being reminded fiercely this time around, not to be soft hearten, and brave through the resignation saga, be firm this time - no retraction! On the next day while on leave and while driving alone, my lunch buddy whats-app me that news had spread. So as it sink in me that my bosses had finally accepted my resignation - emotion sets in. I cried in my car (first time overwhelmed with tears due to my leaving).

Well I have quite a number of ex-colleagues who's been rooting for me all these while to finally leave this place for good. Is it that bad? No... I don't wake up everyday dreading to go to work. But I always wonder "what if?" The curious cat inside me has this burning desire to discover WHAT IF i could start a new life in a new job? What if I could actually demand for a higher salary? What if I could finally be attached with a Malaysian company? I will NEVER KNOW if I never took the first step (of this thousand-mile journey). What if I started working under my fellow ex-Acn cllg from way back then? I KNEW he is a very happy-go-lucky cheeky guy. I haven't worked with him, but I sense the aura of good nature.

Not to say that my existing boss has a bad aura, my immediate boss and his boss are 2 guys that honestly I can't decipher their true nature. In Chinese, we call them - 鬼. What they tell you today may not be what they mean tomorrow. Well I should not gossip more about what I think about them, it's not going to help me improve myself. The one thing I do learn from them is how to be tactful and deceptive in communication. I don't have to give away all that I know, I must filter and process my answer, when answering different people. This way people won't know what's on your card! Why does it have to be us against them?

There was an article I read about why good employees leave, and I concur essentially, and I wish to highlight :

6. Lack of trust
Your employees have a vantage point for viewing your behavior and weigh it against your commitments. If they see you dealing unethically with vendors, lying to stakeholders, cheating clients, or failing to keep your word, the best and most principled of them will leave. The rest, even worse, will stay behind and follow your lead.

I know I'm surely going to miss my fella colleagues. In fact so many people has come and go during my 8-year stint in this company. I'd always wished to hop to a new company ever since my first Windows-funny-guy-teammate PFM left, just one month after my 1st Windows team HOD resigned. Then I had to deal with mr. ST big boss who was extremely long winded, who could take 2 freaking' hour sharing about his point of view, and my 2nd Windows team mr. nice K; both of them left just as I was only 2-month pregnant. If I was not pregnant, big boss offered me the chance to be acting team-lead to replace K! Though I wanted to be a leader, but I'm not ready to be a Windows-team team leader.

All in all.... like a friend once told me, being a mom, is really not suitable to be in the Windows support role. Of course nobody is stopping a woman to out wit, out play, and out last in this male-dominant technology industry . I must admit it is MORE difficult for a mom to shine and to climb high compare to their male colleagues, even with the same mindset & passion. I've always thought of those high achiever corporate leader mom as "supermom"!

Seriously can I really have the best of both a successful career and a healthy balanced family life? Have you seen a very successfully corporate leader mom, who could also nurture her offspring dutifully? Perhaps I should make a sincere aspiration to meet my corporate supermom mentor sooner or later. I know the author of the book "Lean In" -- Sheryl Sandberg, if she could have 3 kids and still be the Chief Operating Officer in Facebook. Well I haven't read the book yet, I must do it when I travel to Hong Kong this year end with my sayang & my cheeky boy.

~*~

Updated: 13th Nov  2016

The second time I cry for the same leaving-my-8-year-old-job-boo-boo, was last Friday after work, while driving to catch up with my ex-colleagues buddies for dinner. It was pretty overwhelming thinking of meeting all of them again after a long while, and how I felt surreal that I'm finally leaving my present job and to join all of them as one ex-UOB.

I spent 6 years in primary school, 6 years in secondary school, 4years+ in University... being in UOB for 8 years is the longest 'stay' I ever experienced in my life! It's during these 8 years, I had my wedding, my baby was born, I was a fully breastfeed mummy for 10-months, I was juggling having 5 new bosses every year for my first 5 years... what else? I had a miscarriage, I had a promotion, I had a PIP....

Enough is enough! Each time I think about my Windows-team work load, I think of nerve wreaking, neck breaking quantum of never ending to-do lists.

Today I listened to my son's preschool concert graduation son - Fight Song - tears seep through - I could resonate with the lyrics, with all these emotions surrounding me at this point of my life ~*~

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

I miss my mom ALOTTT!

I was reading some psychology article about managing in-law relationship, and the reason why sometimes a dil couldn't accept or relate to the behavior/culture/practices of the in-laws is because of the on-set of own personal unresolved issue. Ok im not exactly sure what im talking about but point is i came to realise why i have resentment towards living with my pil.

I came home last night as usual dinner is ready on the table.. i scoop the soup boiled by my mil... the thought that came is rarely “thankful” but “this is so different from ny mom's soup”. This comparison subconsciously appear in my head many many times. All my mil cooking reminds me the fact that she cooks differently from my mom...

Then it struck me, my resentment and my dunno how to appreciate my mil could be due to one emotional honest truth that i miss my mom!

The everything that i don't relate to about my pil is because i've been brought up my parents way. The only way and method that i could relate to.

I miss my freedom because my mom gave me supreme freedom! I managed my own life all my life! Why do i resent each time my mil clean up the dirty dishes after dinner? Because my mom dont do that! She instruct me or my brother to do the clean up.

I always wonder myself crazy why i dont know how to appreciate someone so distinct like my mil, so not my like my own mom.

Now i know why... because I.miss. my. mom.ALOTTT!!!!

My Life now is like Dead-end

It takes alot mental energy to think of how to bring back the wooden playpen/cot used by myniece at my parents house. Before that i borrowed a plastic playpen. All didnt work. My mil wld still entertain my son and carry him everywhere whenever he fusses just a little.

All my wishes, my planning, my hope... in reality is dead.

I cannot raise my voice at her because she is not my own mother. She is my mil. Nobody can raise his/her voice at her, even her own sons are so polite and kind with her. Because she is after only toooo kind!

Nobody can truly comprehend my shitty mind-disturbing & pathetic situation that i face every day. People say i dont know how to appreciate her. Yes really i really dont know how! I never ask her to soooo kind! She doesnt listen. She does things her way. She impulsively come over to carry my son although im handling him!!! Who is the mother?

How to appreciate for something that i dont want??!!

I dont want her to lose weight because of my son. I dont want her to have no chance to eat a simple tongsui that she took out fr fridge & put in back in fridge for 3 consecutive days!!!

I hate it each time she mention "you eat first la!!"

I hate it each time each time she stand up from her seat while having her meal to come over to my son....

I hate to know my son would rather look for his grandma when he wants comfort. OMG am i not the mother who loveeeees my own son to bits??! Am i not the mother who'd pump and pump and breastfeed my son everyday? Did you know that even a fully breastfeeding caring mom like me is replacable as a mother? I can just move to spore to work and still pump milk and ship the milk back to my son for her to feed.

I cannot complain. Because im the one who should appreciate my lovely kind and sacrificial mil. It would break my husband apart if he has to choose btwn his mom or me. No Dhamma teacher would condone my 'evil' mind. I cannot tell her off like how i doh all my own relatives and inclding my own parents. Im at peace with myself. No need to pretend to be nice. But with her... i have to behave myself. I cannot say things too blunt. I must filter my words. I cannot be my natural sarcastic self. I cannot scream and shout my displeasure on my facebook anymore because she is also on fb.

I need to go for marriage counselling therapy.

My life is dead.

To be mummy to baby Ariya Wong Zi Ren

It's not easy to blog about this strenuous unimaginable experience of childbirth, breastfeeding and being a new mummy.

Confinement period is over for now, it was a relief but still I am advised against drinking stuff I like. 

Breast engorgement was awfully painful during the 3rd day after delivery when I got home from hospital. 

Within the first week of breastfeeding, I was emotionally and physically so tired, deprived of sleep, its the worst fatigue. That's when I was with my first confinement lady (she worked for 4 days only). On the following week, I got a 2nd confinement lady (truly lucky of me... my good karma) who insist on mother-must-rest policy, hence I had to keep expressing milk for her to feed ebm for my baby. I was "tango-ing" with my 2nd CL, cause I wish to direct latch more and she wants to bottle feed ebm every time! It's also good that when she feeds baby esp in the middle of the night, I can get to catch up with my deprived sleep....  its like trying to put in practice the 'middle way' (all the Buddhist teachings is really being put to real test). 

The whole experience of confinement and being a new mother is just like attending a Buddhist retreat! Alot of "mind over matter" and being mindful inside me. Not expecting baby to suit mummy's wish, but for me to learn to adapt / adjust / fine-tune / accept baby for being himself! 

Ariya Wong Zi Ren is 6 week old this week.... I'm pretty glad that he manage to sleep till 3am and go back to sleep by himeslf on the cot after feed. It was a breakthrough! 

Mummy's secret wish is for Zi Ren to be able to self-sooth and go to sleep himself after night feed, and learn to sleep through the night soon. 

Caesarean it is - 06.12.12

Yesterday, Dr. Hoo actually wanted me to come see her in the morning (but my schedule was afternoon), her first day back to work after her whole week in Aus. After checking my underneath with her finger, she said "we need to talk..."

Cervix is too inside, cannot even touch or feel, although baby head is already down but cervix is not soft / not dilated very hard to come out! So must induce the very same night... 

Or... opt for Ceasarean, because the induction may have chance to fail and end up with emergency C-sec. Then most likely the final charges will be even higher than just a C-sec. If I were her sister, she would want me to go for C-sec. 

What I wanted to write about is the point where most women would "wish" to experience the labour of pain to deliver their baby. Its like very unfortunate or 'sayang' that I didn't even get to try it for the 1st born. (For my case it could be the only child). Then I think further, why would people want to go through torture and suffer if they have the choice of not having to go through that experience? Am I a coward then that I always choose the easy way out? In most life situation, I make very direct easy straightforward decisions. 

I feel so much relief now knowing when baby will greet the world, when I can relax the day before the C-sec operation and prepare myself mentally and environmentally to welcome the newborn child into our life. When I was on anxious waiting mode, not knowing when baby will come out naturally, or even not knowing if induced-labour will be successful for me or not, or not knowing how long of pain I have to endure after induced.... 

Isn't it obvious - save the drama inside my head - just relax and go for Caesarean operation, get done and over it in 30mins. Then get on with the start of parenthood. There's still alot of things to worry about, like if I'll be able to feed breastmilk successfully, if there will be enough milk for a baby boy. Oh and there's the hosp bill that need to be settled, which fund to sell to cover the high medical cost? 

They say having to experience vaginal birth is like empowerment for a mother.... isn't it like ego-talk that a mother must have that experience to be empowered like a true mother for her child? Sigh... I know I know I won't be able to experience how my own mom experienced the fantastic pain in delivering me vaginally 33 years ago at a gov hosp. But doctors are not like before! No doctor in today's world would risk their license to allow a situation like what my mom experienced -- "baby in distress after 2 long days in first stage labour / use forcep & vacuum to force baby out" 

My mom's labour drama will always be imprinted in my head from very young, and I grew up secretly wishing I would not have to go through THAT! 

The secret.... always becareful what you secretly wish for.... you'll most likely get it! 

How I came out from my mom's vagina

I've heard it many times, again and again, how my mom had severely suffered when trying to deliver me at HKL almost 33 years ago.

There was once my dad narrated the story, that made me want to cry because of how the "good Malay doctor" saved my life. I'm not sure if other baby had only 1 doctor, but I had 2 doctors who had to bring me out to this world.

Today, my mom dramatically described in explicit detail on her most incredible unforgettable memory of delivering me at the government hospital, which would not allow her to go for C-sect, which she pleaded for but to no avail.

If you could hear words like "2-days wait" , "baby in distress", "nurses & 2 doctors frantic around" , "dangle my both legs up in the most uncomfortable position", "vacuum" , "umbilical cord snapped and went back into the womb" , "baby didn't cry and skin purplish" , "incubator" ... you can actually write a very heart-warming nerve-wreaking tear-jerking touching story ;)

The baby was me. In my mother's word "my Karma".

My mom was left there suffering in pain at the hospital bed, and she was powerless, as the staff would not ward her for C-sect. Every 5 minutes, the nurse will check the baby's heartbeat... until at abt 3am ish, on the 3rd morning, when the nurse started pressed the alert / panic "baby in distress" button! Suddenly all the doctors on call and nurses came, like suddenly everyone took notice of my mom who was already in a fatigue state by then, their aim was to save the baby. They raised both my mom's legs on two sticked, with legs wide open, in a very uncomfortable position. Then they tried to push and push and, and the baby wouldn't come out, the baby is already in distress. They're worried that the baby is suffocating inside, and finally about 6am ish, the malay doctor took the vacuum to suck the baby head out... and ALAS the baby is out!!! All throughout my mom was squeezing the doctor so super hard, but the doctor didn't mind and continue to let her pinch the doctor.

But wait...?! the umbilical cord snapped and it went back into my mother's vagina, one doctor kept on pressing his/her hands on my mom's tummy so that the umbilical cord would not get sucked back into her womb. And while pressing and waiting, they had to save the baby first. The baby is not crying! In fact, the skin is pale and purplish. They quickly rush the baby into the incubator, give oxigen mask to the baby, and disturb the baby.

Finally... what karma, the baby finally let out a faint soft cry. The other doctor, quickly rush back to the mother's vagina, with only a hand glove, he/she scooped out the residue of the umbilical cord stuck inside.

The wound were so bad. The skin of the vagina were torn, and when mother asked the doctor, the only word the doctor said was "fantastic!" Doctor had to stitch back my mom's vagina, and put anticeptic on it.

Mother and baby spent 5 more days in hospital before discharge.

This is the beginning of my "fantastic" life!