Missed miscarriage

Last first day of period was 4th March. I had my 'PT' on my mobile to track my period start dates. After 2 try, I got pregnant. Happy? I must be happy... because I could meet the 2016 baby delivery date, then my 2nd child would be able to start school same year with all the monkey year babies.

It's been 7 weeks plus now, I've got my 2nd opinion with Dr. Hoo... who confirmed with Dr. Nicholas Lim diagnosis that I've had a missed miscarriage. The heartbeat was not detected during my 5th week scan, and the size of the fetus seems to shrunk. The sac also looked like it collapsed.

I'm given 3 options, to wait out for it to pass out naturally. Or I can take medicine to help to speed up the natural process. Or third option go for d&c.

From how the doc described d&c, which means I'd be put to sleep for 10 mins, with full body anesthetic, that sorta freak me out!

Hmm... but I just read a blog post about a lady who experience the tummy cramp and pain that she endured while naturally passing the sac out... and then followed by heavy bleeding... that sounds pretty scary too!

Anyway, I wouldn't know if this baby would be a boy or a girl. I'd wished for a baby girl... after Ariya my lovely kind boy. If it was a girl, my husband found the Pali name "Aira". Well he wants the name to start with A... family tradition kot. I was thinking to myself if its a boy, then the name "Aiya"!!!

On last Thursday 21st April, when Dr. Nicholas confirm my missed miscarriage in the evening after work when we went for the 2nd scan.... of course I cried. Not long later in the car, my phone rang... stupid IT support call that I had to pick up even though I was still grieving with the loss! And that was NOT an easy support call that would end in few seconds. The whole dingdong lasted through out the night until the next morning! Gosh... I guessed it sorta helped me to sleep since I was so tired, and I had to continue to support and had no chance to think about my dead baby.

My mom would highly encourage me to go for d&c, get over and done with quickly.

I'm not ready to go for two weeks mc. I need to go back to office to settle some stuff, to handover whatever I need to, before I schedule for a d&c. Its been 2 weeks and no sign of abdominal cramp nor bleeding.

Do I want to continue to try again after this? Well for sure I wont' be able to meet the 2016 delivery... if I do deliver in 2017, my 2nd child would be 5 years apart from my 1st child. Hope they can still 'play together'.

Ariya my boy is soooooooo caring. When I broke the news to him in the car while driving just with him, I told him mummy's baby is gone... die already. Ariya got no more little brother or sister. Then my tears rolled, Ariya consoled me "mummy I take care of you!" and try to give me a hug. I think I would have no regret in life if I should have only one child, my boy Ariya. I thought it would be better if I gave him a sibling to grow up with.... he too wanted to have a little brother or sister. He likes babies alot! He's such a charming loving caring kind boy, I'm so smitten by my own son. 

Caesarean it is - 06.12.12

Yesterday, Dr. Hoo actually wanted me to come see her in the morning (but my schedule was afternoon), her first day back to work after her whole week in Aus. After checking my underneath with her finger, she said "we need to talk..."

Cervix is too inside, cannot even touch or feel, although baby head is already down but cervix is not soft / not dilated very hard to come out! So must induce the very same night... 

Or... opt for Ceasarean, because the induction may have chance to fail and end up with emergency C-sec. Then most likely the final charges will be even higher than just a C-sec. If I were her sister, she would want me to go for C-sec. 

What I wanted to write about is the point where most women would "wish" to experience the labour of pain to deliver their baby. Its like very unfortunate or 'sayang' that I didn't even get to try it for the 1st born. (For my case it could be the only child). Then I think further, why would people want to go through torture and suffer if they have the choice of not having to go through that experience? Am I a coward then that I always choose the easy way out? In most life situation, I make very direct easy straightforward decisions. 

I feel so much relief now knowing when baby will greet the world, when I can relax the day before the C-sec operation and prepare myself mentally and environmentally to welcome the newborn child into our life. When I was on anxious waiting mode, not knowing when baby will come out naturally, or even not knowing if induced-labour will be successful for me or not, or not knowing how long of pain I have to endure after induced.... 

Isn't it obvious - save the drama inside my head - just relax and go for Caesarean operation, get done and over it in 30mins. Then get on with the start of parenthood. There's still alot of things to worry about, like if I'll be able to feed breastmilk successfully, if there will be enough milk for a baby boy. Oh and there's the hosp bill that need to be settled, which fund to sell to cover the high medical cost? 

They say having to experience vaginal birth is like empowerment for a mother.... isn't it like ego-talk that a mother must have that experience to be empowered like a true mother for her child? Sigh... I know I know I won't be able to experience how my own mom experienced the fantastic pain in delivering me vaginally 33 years ago at a gov hosp. But doctors are not like before! No doctor in today's world would risk their license to allow a situation like what my mom experienced -- "baby in distress after 2 long days in first stage labour / use forcep & vacuum to force baby out" 

My mom's labour drama will always be imprinted in my head from very young, and I grew up secretly wishing I would not have to go through THAT! 

The secret.... always becareful what you secretly wish for.... you'll most likely get it! 

The anxious mother-to-be

I'm 40 weeks + 3 days now. Some might say I'm 3 days overdue. Later this afternoon, there will be a check up with my own doctor. She mentioned before she might induce me if I've not given birth by now. 

And this anxious mother-to-be has all this in mind!!! >>

... Most people will suggest that I wait for nature to takes its course and advise against induce. I've read about the longer pain to endure and need to spend longer time waiting at the hospital.

... i was just contemplating, if putting drugs in to induce labour would increase the cost of labour? (even if its vaginal birth), then might as well save the pain / worry to go for elective c-section? 

... im worried if baby decide come out on Sat 8Dec, sayang will be busy helping mom-in-law at chowkit market in the morning, then afternoon both moms busy peel fish. Then on Sun both our moms will be busy preparing asam laksa for a food fair.  I need either mom to help make the red date tea for me to drink and prepare suitable food for me to eat at hosp. 

... if baby don't come out by then, next Monday is 10th Dec, by the time i check out from hospital, ie. 11th or 12th Dec the confinement lady will need to go for her retreat on 11th Dec night. Then i won't get help at all, and scare my in laws will pengsan esp the father who will start complain. 

... stress in me may result in milk not come out easily, and we intend to fully breastfeed, and there's no standby formula milk for baby after delivery. 

its Tuesday, 4-Dec today. If start induce today, it may take 1-2 days later for labour to start, ie. 6-Dec baby could be out! 

~*~ 

here's what i read >> 

The team acknowledged that the best way to deal with a pregnancy lasting beyond 40 weeks had never been clearly established.

Doctors who favor induction argue that waiting longer increases the risk of a Caesarean delivery because the fetus gets too big for a vaginal birth, and they also cite the risk of stillbirth and complications.

Those who favor waiting for labor to begin naturally point to studies showing that induction increases costs of childbirth and the need for Caesarean deliveries when induced labors fail to progress normally.

Almost 40 weeks!

Today is special. Today is the day before 1st Dec, my EDD according to Baby Center :) This whole week my gynae is in Aussie with her husband family, and only be back to see me on 4th Dec. That's like 3 days after my due date... and she might consider to induce me if there's still no sign by then.

This week, I'm under Dr. Arifah... this evening I'll have my weekly pre-natal check with her. Recommended by my gynae Dr. Hoo. Well its all up to the baby... whether he wants to be delivered by Dr. Arifah (this week) or Dr. Hoo (next week).

Today is actually brother-in-law's birthday! And he's also a dragon... if baby decide to come out today, then its so co-incident :P Well baby has his own destiny. Papa wish for December la...

And mama has stopped going to work since the start of this week, occasionally still receive work-related call. I wish office smooth sailing, so that I can be at peace.

Pregnancy is alot about putting in practise your mindfulness and mind-body-at-peace-mode. I shall continue my relaxing mood and not complain about boredom, and just appreciate the doing-nothing-much-at-home.

Lets aspire for a smooth easy & safe natural birthing process.... 

34 weeks & 3 days

Today i'm 34 weeks & 3 days and according to my 'im expecting' app on my adroid, i left 39 days to go to D-day.

I overheard my friend discussing about purchasing a piano and how expensive it is. Then I thought about how I wish my child would have the chance to learn to play the piano! ;)

But before that I also wished our son can have opportunity to learn martial art like Chinese kungfu! ;) So if given only 1 choice, should I send the our child for wushu class or piano class? But piano class would surely be very costly, as a even a 2nd hand piano would exceed RM10K?!

Ahh.. no need to think so far. Just wish for smooth easy natural birthing process come late Nov / early Dec. Sadhu!

Om Mani Padme Hung!

Today at 21weeks + 2 days

Today at my pre-natal checkup, doctor noticed a slight increase at my sugar level. So next month I have to do a glucose test, 8am once and 10am second test, in between have to drink high glucose drink.

Baby size is 380gm now. Doctor asked if I can feel baby movement or kicking, actually im not sure how to tell it. Doctor said its not a big movement, just perhaps some inkling sensation that something is touching my stomach...

I'll try to be mindful throughout the day, to observe these baby movement sensation.

Today I received news from my highschool friend, that her baby (born prematurely at 6mnths+) has ended his life journey. I read the whatsapp msg in office, and of course can cry. But its office, I gotta deal with my vendor and my cllg... lets send farewell wishes to the tiny infant. GuanYin will be taking care of him now...

Today in my life, my mom is going for her 2nd chemo treatment. May my mom be well and happy. May my mom be strong and be at peace with herself.

Today i read a very nice saying from Lao Tzu ~ "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." ~

Other updates in my life... we're getting a car replacement for sayang's old car, with a 2nd hand avanza. Its gonna be fully paid off by cash, no loan. Thanks to my dad who's gonna be 'give' me RM15k without needing me to pay him back. But i say i'll pay him back la.... the reason he's giving me the money, is because the the house will go my brother! Haha.. well that's quite a sensible option, its much less hassle to put your property in 1 name rather than 2 or more names!

Lets continue to count our blessings and pray for less problems...

"im sorry"
"i forgive you"
"i thank you"
"i love you"

A little update on my little life

I hope I don't get caught blogging at work. I don't feel like I have much energy today to pull me through til evening. After 2 of my bosses had left, I was sort of put in unofficial acting teamlead for my windows team. Things are fine, its just that I have another acting head replacing my old boss. And this acting head is not to my liking. If I were to remain sain in my job while being pregnant, so not to choke up or suffocate inside, I need to understand him. 'know thy enemy'. To put effort in knowing and understanding people that really annoy you even face level. The hair and the uncle-attitude, the i-want-to-care-but-i-dont-care style of talking... oh my, its only the first month since i need to directly deal with this everything-i-want-to-comment-uncle....

If only i can just leave my boring energy-draining-support work, and fly to a far-away island with beautiful sandy beaches. I miss the ocean & the beaches...

I'm 16 weeks along with my pregnancy. This Friday will go for monthly checkup, maybe can see boy or girl. Not that its important (like what i usually say), but I did wished for (at Veranasi in India, by playing candle-lid flower on the Ganges River) the gender that my sayang prefer. Many times I have to admit "becareful of what you wish for, you might really get it!"

In terms of my work, I wish for nothing now... as im not prepared for a career upgrade. I'm fine with the not-so-fantastic salary that im getting. I don't wish for more workload that comes bundled with the package of career advancement. The higher you climb, the more strategic your brain has to be. Using up brain-cell for over-thinking can be energy-draining!

Let's not wish for anything... other than wish for my baby to be healthy, happy and alive! Of course for all the people around me, my family members esp to stay healthy, happy, in good shape and to be truly alive!

I wish to take care of my body... i wish to go swimming... i wish to find time to practie yoga at my own home... i may wanna re-style my hair?! ;)

Ahhhhh...... bliss*

How I came out from my mom's vagina

I've heard it many times, again and again, how my mom had severely suffered when trying to deliver me at HKL almost 33 years ago.

There was once my dad narrated the story, that made me want to cry because of how the "good Malay doctor" saved my life. I'm not sure if other baby had only 1 doctor, but I had 2 doctors who had to bring me out to this world.

Today, my mom dramatically described in explicit detail on her most incredible unforgettable memory of delivering me at the government hospital, which would not allow her to go for C-sect, which she pleaded for but to no avail.

If you could hear words like "2-days wait" , "baby in distress", "nurses & 2 doctors frantic around" , "dangle my both legs up in the most uncomfortable position", "vacuum" , "umbilical cord snapped and went back into the womb" , "baby didn't cry and skin purplish" , "incubator" ... you can actually write a very heart-warming nerve-wreaking tear-jerking touching story ;)

The baby was me. In my mother's word "my Karma".

My mom was left there suffering in pain at the hospital bed, and she was powerless, as the staff would not ward her for C-sect. Every 5 minutes, the nurse will check the baby's heartbeat... until at abt 3am ish, on the 3rd morning, when the nurse started pressed the alert / panic "baby in distress" button! Suddenly all the doctors on call and nurses came, like suddenly everyone took notice of my mom who was already in a fatigue state by then, their aim was to save the baby. They raised both my mom's legs on two sticked, with legs wide open, in a very uncomfortable position. Then they tried to push and push and, and the baby wouldn't come out, the baby is already in distress. They're worried that the baby is suffocating inside, and finally about 6am ish, the malay doctor took the vacuum to suck the baby head out... and ALAS the baby is out!!! All throughout my mom was squeezing the doctor so super hard, but the doctor didn't mind and continue to let her pinch the doctor.

But wait...?! the umbilical cord snapped and it went back into my mother's vagina, one doctor kept on pressing his/her hands on my mom's tummy so that the umbilical cord would not get sucked back into her womb. And while pressing and waiting, they had to save the baby first. The baby is not crying! In fact, the skin is pale and purplish. They quickly rush the baby into the incubator, give oxigen mask to the baby, and disturb the baby.

Finally... what karma, the baby finally let out a faint soft cry. The other doctor, quickly rush back to the mother's vagina, with only a hand glove, he/she scooped out the residue of the umbilical cord stuck inside.

The wound were so bad. The skin of the vagina were torn, and when mother asked the doctor, the only word the doctor said was "fantastic!" Doctor had to stitch back my mom's vagina, and put anticeptic on it.

Mother and baby spent 5 more days in hospital before discharge.

This is the beginning of my "fantastic" life!