Happy Xmas 2020 | Spiritual Cultivation Retreat 2020

 It is Christmas night now and I'm all alone at Cindy parents' house all alone by myself. It is the first time that I managed to participate in a meditation retreat! I was so excited on the first night, when I checked-in the Horizon. I slept so well, with the cooling aircon and complete darkness with the lights off. 

I'm glad that sayang is able to take care of the 2 kids without me. This is a test for me and also a test for him, and for my kids! I heard this saying by one of the BGF ClubMed facilitator "If I'm a young child, I'll be more happy that my parents actually went and come back from a retreat!" 

I'm also thankful for this experience during this covid-19 crazy year that retreat is now just me and myself, with online zoom lessons on and off. I can be bra-less. I can be alone. I can sleep on the floor. I can do whatever I want! I hardly get this type of freedom of expression when I'm living with my family. 

Talking about my family, I guess I'm learning to accept that my parents in law will be living with me permanently. In fact I had wanted to register this blog spot talking about the new BU11 property that we've just booked! After a whole month of hullabaloo with the loan application, I finally got a decent offer from RHB, and with that me and sayang can sign the SPA on our supportive-date, either 6th Jan or 24th Jan. Now this new big house that we're aiming for, will house the Wong ancestor tablet, so then sayang don't need to keep going back to the empty Sepatak house for festival prayer days. 

In my mind, I do wish to offer my one-of-a-kind mil her own room, where she can place all her 'stuff'' should she wish to sell her Setapak condo. (brief sigh...)

If not for the calming SCR2020 with bhante Kumara, I wouldn't be so subdued in my writing today, I'm trying to understand the craving that causes my conflict / sufferings in relation to my in laws. Bhante Kumara said, if you are aware and fully understand the cause of craving of wanting / not wanting, there is nothing to let go, when you accept and understand the underlying cause of your suffering... letting go happens automatically. 

It is like why sayang always say "you expect the stubborn old people to change?" 

What is it that I want now... am I aiming for Nibbana? Or as a mundane lay person, aiming for a harmonious family life? It wont be easy, it is so hard.... to truly understand the nature of people that I have to live with everyday of my life, and accept the situation with deep level of understanding, then there is no conflict with my inner self. But I must also note that there are things that I don't like, and things that I need to say, or things that I must do. I should also not conflict with myself. 

I am grateful for this isolation, this opportunity to have self-reflection, especially during this time when the year is rallying its final week before we usher in the hopeful new year. I realized how rare this moment of solitude is for me... being a person who grew up with in a closed-knit family, and I always had roommate(s), seldom sleep alone in my whole life time. 

With this 'free' time alone, I could even exercise longer duration outside, without the fear and anxiety of watching over my 3yo daughter. I'm thinking if a person spend the more days in self-retreat, the more one feel detach from his/her loved ones? 

Well maybe balance and moderation is the key here... as we want to give more space to even our own heart-and-soul family, once in awhile, for them to have their invaluable me-time. 

The consciousness of my mil story is always at the back of my head. I've attended enough psychologist talk to know that my mil had abandonment scar in her brain and potentially have silent mental health issue, but she is either disguising is so very well or she has fully accepted / and understood her predicament that letting go already happened. I want to say that I really admire her.... but deep down inside I'm aware that I don't. There is conflict in me when I think about her. Shall I be more open and honest with my feelings and thoughts when associating with her? So many thoughts to reflect upon, as I strive to truly accept and understand the nature of my parents in law. 

Note worthy to mention, in this retreat, I try not to eat dinner, and hence I hope to shed the kilos and maybe I don't need to start on the hypertension medication! I want to maintain good health, physically and mentally. 

My wish for the new year, is to be able to happily build a new home with my tri-generational family, and wish that sayang can value me more, (but this is the exact craving bhante was talking about)... if no craving for affection and understanding, no sourness/sufferings. Is it that easy to attain? Just not craving, not wanting anything more from my husband? (im crying now) 

A part of me always cry thinking that if I don't crave for more appreciation and affection from my one husband, then what is the point of marriage? Where is there love for each other? Why bother entangle in this mundane life? Do I really want to further dwell into or renounce this conflicting / suffering mundane life? Should I even request sayang to read my private blog post? Why should I fear how will he be negatively affected if he ever read my posts here? 

This is me. 

This is my fight song

On 2nd Nov when my immediate boss came back from Deepavali, I braved myself to walk up to his cubicle to show him the letter sealed in a lousy envelope. He was calm and collected as usual but totally did not expect it to happen again. In Sep last year, I had the experience of tendering my resignation letter but was then rejected. That time I was naive. I didn't foresee what would happen after I'd tender, which is coaxing and sweet talk from my boss to make me stay.

I'm being reminded fiercely this time around, not to be soft hearten, and brave through the resignation saga, be firm this time - no retraction! On the next day while on leave and while driving alone, my lunch buddy whats-app me that news had spread. So as it sink in me that my bosses had finally accepted my resignation - emotion sets in. I cried in my car (first time overwhelmed with tears due to my leaving).

Well I have quite a number of ex-colleagues who's been rooting for me all these while to finally leave this place for good. Is it that bad? No... I don't wake up everyday dreading to go to work. But I always wonder "what if?" The curious cat inside me has this burning desire to discover WHAT IF i could start a new life in a new job? What if I could actually demand for a higher salary? What if I could finally be attached with a Malaysian company? I will NEVER KNOW if I never took the first step (of this thousand-mile journey). What if I started working under my fellow ex-Acn cllg from way back then? I KNEW he is a very happy-go-lucky cheeky guy. I haven't worked with him, but I sense the aura of good nature.

Not to say that my existing boss has a bad aura, my immediate boss and his boss are 2 guys that honestly I can't decipher their true nature. In Chinese, we call them - 鬼. What they tell you today may not be what they mean tomorrow. Well I should not gossip more about what I think about them, it's not going to help me improve myself. The one thing I do learn from them is how to be tactful and deceptive in communication. I don't have to give away all that I know, I must filter and process my answer, when answering different people. This way people won't know what's on your card! Why does it have to be us against them?

There was an article I read about why good employees leave, and I concur essentially, and I wish to highlight :

6. Lack of trust
Your employees have a vantage point for viewing your behavior and weigh it against your commitments. If they see you dealing unethically with vendors, lying to stakeholders, cheating clients, or failing to keep your word, the best and most principled of them will leave. The rest, even worse, will stay behind and follow your lead.

I know I'm surely going to miss my fella colleagues. In fact so many people has come and go during my 8-year stint in this company. I'd always wished to hop to a new company ever since my first Windows-funny-guy-teammate PFM left, just one month after my 1st Windows team HOD resigned. Then I had to deal with mr. ST big boss who was extremely long winded, who could take 2 freaking' hour sharing about his point of view, and my 2nd Windows team mr. nice K; both of them left just as I was only 2-month pregnant. If I was not pregnant, big boss offered me the chance to be acting team-lead to replace K! Though I wanted to be a leader, but I'm not ready to be a Windows-team team leader.

All in all.... like a friend once told me, being a mom, is really not suitable to be in the Windows support role. Of course nobody is stopping a woman to out wit, out play, and out last in this male-dominant technology industry . I must admit it is MORE difficult for a mom to shine and to climb high compare to their male colleagues, even with the same mindset & passion. I've always thought of those high achiever corporate leader mom as "supermom"!

Seriously can I really have the best of both a successful career and a healthy balanced family life? Have you seen a very successfully corporate leader mom, who could also nurture her offspring dutifully? Perhaps I should make a sincere aspiration to meet my corporate supermom mentor sooner or later. I know the author of the book "Lean In" -- Sheryl Sandberg, if she could have 3 kids and still be the Chief Operating Officer in Facebook. Well I haven't read the book yet, I must do it when I travel to Hong Kong this year end with my sayang & my cheeky boy.

~*~

Updated: 13th Nov  2016

The second time I cry for the same leaving-my-8-year-old-job-boo-boo, was last Friday after work, while driving to catch up with my ex-colleagues buddies for dinner. It was pretty overwhelming thinking of meeting all of them again after a long while, and how I felt surreal that I'm finally leaving my present job and to join all of them as one ex-UOB.

I spent 6 years in primary school, 6 years in secondary school, 4years+ in University... being in UOB for 8 years is the longest 'stay' I ever experienced in my life! It's during these 8 years, I had my wedding, my baby was born, I was a fully breastfeed mummy for 10-months, I was juggling having 5 new bosses every year for my first 5 years... what else? I had a miscarriage, I had a promotion, I had a PIP....

Enough is enough! Each time I think about my Windows-team work load, I think of nerve wreaking, neck breaking quantum of never ending to-do lists.

Today I listened to my son's preschool concert graduation son - Fight Song - tears seep through - I could resonate with the lyrics, with all these emotions surrounding me at this point of my life ~*~

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Congratulation to myself!

I received my letter, promotion from AVP to VP1. I know if I write it on my fb wall its like too much... but its a public open secret anyway!

Initially it was Jack who spoilt my surprise, cos he congratulated me even before I received the letter. So I had no excited when I read the letter.

I'm not sure if I'm proud of my achievement, because it is heavily due to my own high expectation, my personality, my EQ (through my Dhamma work) that sets me apart from my fellow team mates. Am I more knowledgable or skillful than my team mate? Not exactly. I'm actually youngest in my team, and probably worked the least number of years. Yet I'm the only one who got VP1 the rest are still AVP.

Could it be that because I'm "lucky"? Or that my new teamlead really appreciate me? I'm pretty neutral about this so-called promotion. Within 3 years of my banking life, my grade was Assistant Mgr when I started, then emplaced to AVP, now VP1. My teamlead is a VP2. My boss is a FVP. After FVP, got SVP lagi! As you can see, there's many many levels of Vice President.

I don't know if my salary is on par with market rate, and its gonna be difficult to measure. There's always the pro & con, considering the perks, the job nature, the boredom, the traffic jam, the office politics etc. Income is relative. Some people spend less, they can see $$$ in their bank account. Some people earn alot but spend alot and don't see much $ in their bank account.

I will count my blessings for the now and for the future... for making my life pretty as per what I've wanted. As I said before, becareful of what you wished for, cos you don't know that if you might actually get it!

Right now? I just wish for.... a baby!

A New Year Message

I'm trying to write a new year message assuming the role of the president... knowing it takes a long time for him to write. Having read a bombastic-economy-related new year message from a bank ceo... I know this buddhistic message has to scew towards... *oh what the heck, lets plagiariate* oops breaking 2nd precept!
~*~
What a year that was 2011! First we started the intention to purchase a land to build a new centre.... meetings were held with architectures... fund raising projects were planned...

got the buy in from the committees that we should target to raise RM2 million each year...

kickstarted with the Korean cultural show... there we raised abt RMxxx....

then we formed the committee to organise the DINNER for a 1000 people, to reveal the plan for the new centre. Some how with the magic of karma / conditions, we managed to find a big corner shoplot at Ara Damansara for sale! And the EGM was held a day before the FOTG dinner, to get approval from members, to agree for the greenlight to purchase the new premise.

The FOTG eventually raised almost RM1 million! It was huge success, not only in terms of ROI, but also it was the first time we saw many diff english buddhist groups coming together like an all-star, for a grand gospel-like grand choir performance, of the most apt song 'guardian of the sasana'.... it was an eye-opener for many audiences that night! It was a dinner that brought all the thousand gems together.

BGF didn't have chance to rest after that mega fundraising project! She went on to organise the Food & Fun Fair, a fundraising initiative by the gemkids teachers & parents. In deed the last food fair being held 10 years ago.... this time the Food & Fun Fair chaired by bro. Tee managed to raised abt RM94,000... well we may ask, is it all worth it after all the hardwork by everybody, from the aunties / uncles who prepared the food, to the many youth volunteers who helped tirelessly from midnight onwards, to the organisers & sponsors. The answer? Yes it was well worth it!! It was worth every sweat of it... it was memorable to see our old friends sitting together at the same table chit chating and laughing away. Children having fun. Elderly and even the blind enjoyed themselves very much too!

Looks like the fundraising projects are not going to end so soon, as we are still at the shortfall of RM1million, to fully pay off the RM3.5 million new centre. It would be too texting on the same English-medium Buddhist community.... but we need to stretch our hands and legs to reach out and look beyond our community. We are fortunate to have made friends with the nice lady ms. Yudi Yap, who agreed to help us in our next fundraising drive! What initially thought was just a shanghai jazz concert with Yudi turn out to be a duo pact, with another friendly Taiwanese folk singer 曾淑勤 from Taiwan. BGF is proud to present "A Date with Love" or 《人间友勤》on 17-Feb-2012. Yes the timing is just right when Love is in the Air during this Valentine's season, and love is not just between a boy and a girl, its there's also the family, sisterly or even brotherly love! Of course the highest of level - the unconditional Metta love.

At this juncture, BGF is at the threshold of a renewed mission. BGF will continue to inspire and provide the impetus for the growth of Buddhism. With our new centre, BGF’s earnest wish is to continue our efforts in growing people, unearth new talents and skills, as well as inspire individuals from all walks of life! With your continued support, the flame that we lit together decades ago continues to burn stronger and brighter, illuminating the hearts and minds of all beings.

Let us all embrace the new year 2012 with open arms, plan for the best to happen and expect positive transformation. To kickstart the new year, we're glad to host Bhante Sanghasena (MIMC, Ladakh) in the early of January. Starting from February, the Dhammaduta team & DSTP team will bring you "Foundation of Buddhism" course, which will take place during Sunday@BGF timeslot. GemKids parents are most welcome to participate. In April, we will be receiving Ajahn Brahm from Perth, Australia. Then if all things go as planned, we'll be bring together another Food & Fun Fair with better experience & excitement!

There's still a long up hill climb. We believe we will only go... better.

Live and Learn

It's the first night without sayang as he's on his way to Delhi with some of the BGF exco. I'm somewhat looking forward to the solitude at the comfort of my own home. Am I going to complain about my own ocd husband at my blog? Not now after I've attended Jeff Oliver's "Live and Learn" workshop today....

It was good that I can finally put into perspective on why certain unwholesome thoughts appear in my mind. Before today, I was thinking to rant about why I don't feel its good/healthy for both husband & wife to be working in the same organisation, esp when both are very strong-headed /opinionated. Before today, I was quite convinced that I want to step down from Exco role, and let him take over my position, since he's the one who has the most to say.

I wanted to take the back-seat, one car cannot have 2 drivers. Even if he's driving and I'm at the passenger seat, I'm not supposed to give directions whatsoever, and vice-versa. That's how it is.

Coming back to what I've discovered from Jeff Oliver... when you feel hurt, or when you (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt someone else, seek forgiveness! Not just forgiveness from others, we must try to understand the emotions that came about, was it 'selfishness, anger or confusion' that led us to being hurt / hurting people? It is possible that during that moment, we were unwise and we didn't understand the true nature of things, that's why we get upset or we take things for granted or we harm people. Which in the end, we feel guilty or we harm / hurt ourselves. One must learn to FORGIVE oneself. Say "I forgive myself..."

It was very powerful... its true that I was not wise enough to comprehend fully everything. When there is high-expectation, there is high-disappointment! That's the natural law. Of course this 'expectation = desire' led me to another confusion, that is why would a leader set high standard? Whether setting high standard for oneself, or high standard for the company/organisation/team that we work in?

Wish I can clarify this with another Dhamma teacher who's not tooo laid back in the Theravada Vipassana tradition, perhaps someone more socially engaged with the worldly conditions that we currently dwell in.

Yes I can sense / observe that I'm stucked in samsara...

Through mindfulness / awareness practise, I'm noting the thoughts that arises from moment to moment, sometimes I analyse too much, sometimes I don't get it. Mantra sets in... "I forgive myself"

This post is about my experience and what goes through my mind/heart about being with my other half. So this solitude that I've been looking forward to, is for me to be at peace with myself. No expectation, no question to ask, no sight of OCD-behaviour. Just relax...

How can one be in an unconditional-love relationship with a spouse? How can both husband & wife not have any expectation of each other? How can both party truly accept, embrace, forgive, love and care for each other unconditionally?

For Jeff Oliver, he said he can....

For me? I'm still discovering / learning the art of exemplary happy married life!

Happy Chinese New Year 2011!

This year will be the second year that I'm celebrating CNY as an angpow giver. The most common 'wish' that family members will wish me is 'nin sang kuai ji' meaning wishing that I'll get an offspring soon! The usual way of brushing off the topic is saying the year is 2012 - dragon. And I need do some math - if it take 10 months to deliver a baby, then I'll have to conceive it starting from this year, from May 2010! :) But what if I wish to give birth to a December capricon baby, means I'll have to conceive in Feb 2011? Which means I might be pregnant already when I travel to Europe in Spring 2011 :P doh...

Well I'm the sort of person who goes by "Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail". Everything destination starts with an intention, a wish, a want and then a plan! Horoscopely speaking, a 'rabbit' would be very much compatible with 'goats' like me and sayang. But I just can't have a baby so soon, perhaps mentally we're both not ready and infact we've got a 12-day Hangzhou-Shanghai-Huangshan-Putuoshan trip to fulfil come Sep this rabbit year! The unfortunate part is abang in Shanghai might not be around then, cos he's potentially moving back to Spore... and this is hush hush shhhhhhh cannot tell anyone!!! (don't know some people are so good at not spilling words out too soon so unlike me)

Good news is abang & ahsoh is expecting a baby rabbit girl this year! :) yay a girl for the Wong family! I purposely wish that the baby will be a girl, cause of the idiotic fact that my father-in-law would rather wish to have a second grandson - why son?! Well for convenient sake (due to my busy lifestyle), I thought having a son would save me the hassle of dolling up the kid, but its perfectly alright with me to have a daughter! Even if I were to have only one child and its a girl.

Because of this chauvinistic thinking by my f-i-l, I think I'll want to have a baby dragon girl next year then, just to purposely 'kek' him :P kekekeke... I still don't know why I like to challenge people.

My only brother, my sai-loh is planning to get married! Sometimes I do feel emotional, when it sinks deeper in me, that my sai-loh is really getting married?! Gossh... I used to just whacking him and teasing him and forgot that he's all grown up! Even perhaps my sai-loh will become a new parent sooner than his tai-kai-che. How come my younger brother grow up so fast? He's earning a good living working as a Siemens Engineer, even I don't get hired by Siemens but my less-than-smart sai-loh do. He even got awarded 'best performer staff', like what?!! My sai-loh who used to suck in maths and need me to give him free tuition as he was suffering through his diploma years? Anyway good luck and all the best to my bro and his pretty fiance of his. I hope his future wife will be able to replace my role in the kitchen to help my mom come CNY, cleaning, washing, serving the guest etc!

No wonder my f-i-l is so proud, he got 2 sons and if he were to wish to have more children, he'd probably wish to have all sons! So then he'll get many more daughter-in-laws to help cook in the kitchen!

My m-i-l is one of a kind. If I had a tough time trying to keep up with my mom's mega effort in the kitchen, try help my m-i-l with her asam laksa party feat! Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't ask her to cook asam laksa for our open house... she'll be cutting, cooking, cleaning, serving, washing, replenishing, watching over the fire, stirring, washing, wiping the table, cleaning, arranging the cutlery, repacking, and repeat the steps all over - from dawn till dusk!

Now you see where my sayang get his perfect melancholy syndrome from? From BOTH his parents! I am a ZERO melancholy person. I don't go for details, infact I can't see details like average people do, you can observe that in my photoshots, I hardly zoom in details unless I change to the 50mm lens (that I'll hardly use for event). I can live my putting all the dirty dish all into the big sink and let it pile up until its too high, THEN one shot wash all up - save water & washing detergent! But for the Wong family? Cannot. EVERY single plate or spoon or chopsticks that comes near the sink will be cleansed with detergent (whether oily or not, even if its a glass which only contained plain water) thoroughly.

Oh while washing repeatedly, the table cloths will be rinsed just as many times to wipe the kitchen top. Can't we just save a bit of water by not being that OCD? No I can't ever give this silly suggestion, or else I'll be doomed, as the lousy daughter-in-law who not only intentionally postpone her getting pregnant, but is messy and dirty!

M-i-l taught me how to use detergent to rinse the table cloth, so that when we wipe the kitchen counter top, it will smell with fragrance. Yes true - but i can't imagine if I put a bread / food stuff on the table (layered with detergent) and then put it back into my mouth. Anyway, just listen obidiently and nod my head. The difference between helping my in-laws vs helping my own mother in the kitchen, is I get 'shut up, listen & follow'. With my mom, I'll talk back & get on my mother's nerves - which may not be a good thing.

On 1st day of CNY when I had a quick visit to my maiden home, I had to hold back my tears upon seeing the glee revealed on my parents face when they saw me after missing me for days! Or was it the other way round, I was missing them for 3 days!

Anyway, on the note about giving angpow, this year I don't have to give double, just one angpow, it was natural to give out angpow to whoever that I'm supposed to give, even to other little stranger unmarried people, well its just RM4 inside, don't think anyone would receive angpow value lower than what I could wrap?! :D For me and sayang, our network of people we know can be very wide, so for us to give high-value angpow (or bak kum) to all the people we know, could be impractical. So for us (or for me in particular), give less give more - quantity equals quality!

I don't have big wish for this rabbit year, except just wish for good health and to receive expected bonus in March. Good news is that for this year, the industry dealing with 'wood' and 'metal' element will be very good - bank is money is metal!

For my friends and family, esp those who'd invested under me before, I really wish that they're global funds investment will bouce back la!

I'm sorry... I forgive you....

I'm so stressed out that I lashed it out at an innocent aunty who has caught me at the wrong time when i was most busy.

When the mind and body is not in sync, raw emotions can be difficult to be controlled. It's the beginning of the new year 2011 and I'm caught in this stressful never-ending infra support job. I feel like I need to take a break, but I just came back from a Buddhist pilgrimage just last month & that should be enough of a soul-cleasing spree...

There's just too much over-spilling calls and job responsibilities to follow up and to do. I don't see myself staying back LATE to "finish" the work because I will not have any energy left by 7pm when almost everyone has left the office. It's impossible for me to imagine how people can work through the night, or don't sleep for the whole week because of "month end" or "closing" or "project". Maybe the energy that these people drained on is periodical and not constant like in my line of daily-non-stop support job.

I don't wish to say bad things abt this uncle sitting infront of me in office, nor i wish to whine about a similar-annoying-aunty in the Buddhist circle who agitated me today. Somehow I must admit that people like them really get on my nerves so much, its hard to explain why! A friend once said "because you attract weird / strange people". Can this be true? How true is this? How can I get away from associating with them? They're not negative, they don't have ill-will. They're just plain painstakingly annoying and repetitive!

For the same thing that he can ask me to do, he can repeat it 100 times until you've done it. Why not ask other people to do? Cos other people don't sit next to him and worst still don't have the skillset to help him. It's just my somewhat-lousy-boss say "if I know you're good, then I'll let you do more things eventhough I know you already have 10 things on your plate!"

"Some people cannot even do 1 thing, so don't even bother give them do another thing".

....

My sayang certainly disagree with this theory. It works in my IT support line of job... similar to my volunteer work at Buddhist societies, just because you can do it - YOU DO LAH! If not who else to do?!

People can easily say "I don't know how to do la, please help me". Full stop.

Yadayada and all sort of nonsense life-balancing stunt. Oh ya you say its NOT nonsense, and its a birth right to reject and say NO to people asking for help... try being me, in my shoe and when helpdesk agent (with continous non-stop incoming calls) escalate an issue to you, and you reply "I don't know how lah, you solve it yourself lah!"

Its very easy to say "I DONT KNOW LAH"

Butttt... it takes alot alot alot of me to say that.... esp when you know the answer , or you know the way/method that could help the help-seeker. The more you know, the more people want you to help and naturally the more you want to help, perhaps solve a problem faster or in a more efficient way.

Help-seeker will not even bother to try to ask the other person in your same team, who either pretend don't know or really sorry-to-say don't know how to help. Its like a pathetic samsara life cycle or the 'Dependent Origination' where the first cause is "ignorance"... just START with "I Dont Know" and you'll NOT have to go through the whole pointless meaningless endless cycle of suffering.

Is it my ego, that makes me afraid of telling people "I Dont Know lah" fullstop?

My family wants to have a family gathering - call me to arrange for the accomodation.
Helpdesk agents want to solve a problem fast and instantly - call me to fix it.
Annoying aunty want me to send early notice to BGF egroup - call me & sms me to do it x2.
Annoying uncle at work want me to help him remotely upgrade his AS400 software on 3000 over PC bankwide - call me because im the admin for the software deployment system
My uncle want to sell his jackrusell puppies - call me take photo for him & sell on internet
Another uncle want to sell his terrior puppies - call me to teach him how to blog
Mentally handicap girl gets bored at home nothing to do - call me ask when am I taking her out
Sunday school teacher couldn't find a photographer for an event - call me to become photographer

If in one day of my life, there is NO request at all... would I still survive?

What if I tell my uncles - "I don't know how to take photo lah!"
What if I tell mentally handicap girl - "I don't want to take you out lah!"
What if I tell sunday school teacher - "I can't help you lah!"
What if I tell BGF - "I don't want to be secretary or administrator anymore!"
What if I tell BISDS - "I don't want to do anything la!"
What if I tell my aunty - "I don't care about family outing, you all go without me la!"

... can I? can I? or will I?

I just had a revelation about "truly letting go". How do you let go? Do you let go the mess that you've inherited because you cannot take it anymore and pass on to whoever to take over from scratch / clean the shit? Or do you continue to persevere and try to do a proper handover / knowledge transfer / assign & delegate / find a willing successor / train your replacement... before you "truly let go"?

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

The year 2008 will be closing in. When I minus 2009 with 1979, means I'll be 30! I'm as usual, having contradictory thoughts about what the new year means to me. On one hand I look forward to turning 30! But on the other, due to conditioning from society, we're supposed to dread about turning 30.

I would like to recap about my most eventful year of 2008. The last time that I had a blast that I vividly remember was the year 2004 - when I backpacked Europe in Autumn, travelling under a youth pass (under 26). This year, I'm proud to say, I went to

Kuantan in early Jan (with sayang)
Singapore in Jan (with bgf)
Miri / Mulu / Brunei in end of Feb (with sayang)
Borobudor in June (with bgf)
Singapore (again) in July (with sayang)
Hong Kong / Macao in early Sep (with sayang)
Ladakh (India) in late Sep (with bgf)
Kuching in Nov (with coursemates)

Now you see how this year has really been fabulous if not crazy?! So when I argue with my parents that I have no money, I really mean it. Thanks to all the trips that just came to reality without much planning effort! Considering I love planning...

Each of the trip is unique. The most incredible trip gotta be Ladakh, the land of the extreme (climate). I was simply overwhelmed by the sheer magnitute of the high snow-capped mountain range & cloudless blue sky. But I was also sick whenever the road becomes winding & bumpy, whenever I couldn't take the weird food, when the temperature drops below 10. My life in Malaysia and their life in Ladakh is worlds apart. Like I landed on a different planet, luckily they speak English. Or I'll be speechless & jawsdropping through out my journey in Ladakh.

There's this nice guy call Amchi, he's the herbal medicine doctor serving MIMC. He invited all of us to his house in a faraway village where ven sanghasena was born. He's so warm and always smiling and obliging, and he's like the guy when you walk on the street, everybody know your name! He took around the town, and although we were on a tight schedule, he didn't care! He was laidback and he just talk and talk with all the people he met along the short stroll down the market road. If only the people back home were that humble, charming & friendly... *oh ya he's still single and probably available, if he's not going to become a monk*

Next best trip was Borobudor -- I love history/culture + architecture. I woke up 4am to see the sunrise from atop of Borobudor stupa. 'nuff said.

Since I adore ancient buildings & experience different culture, I actually don't fancy HongKong / Macao. But what the heck, can free stay just go again.

I guess I can relate to nature quite well, the trip to Mulu cave -- the world heritage site, is definitely well worth it. I wouldn't mind going again! The long nature walk & cave climb was actually fun! What more seeing millions of bats circling in the sky... walking into the largest cave passage in the world... seeing the garden of eden... simply awesome. Funny I remember we met Julie and her parents (who speak french only from Canada) right from the start of the trip, when we boarded the plane. We stayed in the same hostel, we see each other during meal time. And I can still see her now when we go attend the MPO concert! :D *thought im getting sien with the orchestra*

I hope this post doesnt sound too braggy, but 2008 is just one of those year in your life that you'll want to remember and appreciate. And being a forgetful person, if I don't recap my wonderful 2008, I'm afraid if I'll lose the memory.

The year 2008, is also the first time I bought a house under my name (sharing with sayang).

The year 2008, is also when I finally quit my job from a vendor company to join end-user company.

The year 2008, is also when it's the last time I became chairperson of idc and finally can breath when another person could take over. I always believe in letting younger / newer person to take over the organising. The younger / newer person may not be better, that's where I realise the opportunity to have training & development. Let there be movement, let there be changes, let there be test, so that we can all know what's the result, what's the impact - negative or positive - if never try, never know!

Being not-so-young, I wish to get involve with more technical IT stuff for the Buddhist community front. In fact training & development sounds good. Its like you don't want to be hands-on running around doing the donkey work, but you want to be supportive, create the platform and opportunity for others to learn to be better. To be indirect driving force to make things happen.. for the bigger picture.

Apart from my own life, of course 2008 has the China Olympic that made history. I have high hopes for China... becos I truly believe in positive thinking. It seems like China represent a nation that defines 'changing for the better in action' or 'nothing is impossible'. You aspire for it, you work for it, you get it. I hope greed don't get in the way, although its easy to fall into the trap of greed.

The 2008 economy, I will have no say. Just waiting for the economy to reach its worst, then start asking people to buy! If its true that property price will drop, then I'll suggest to my bro to grab a title for himself.

Come end of this year, my dad will officially retire... which is good, then he can spend more time with mom, and mom will not get so naggy and there will be peace for me. Ahhhh.... bliss :D *you just don't wanna know how easily my mom can get on my nerves*

2008... many close friends got married, got babies... I just wish that in 2009 my new house will be ready, and who know whats instore?!

May the blessings of the triple gem guide and protect everyone always.

So what 2008?

You know why I don't wanna talk about 2008? Besides having plans for many activities... on a personal level, I think I'm not ready to be 29! Because I still feel like I'm 27, sometimes when people do ask what's my age, spontaneously I'd be thinking I'm 27... but then I'll use maths to count, wait in 2007, my age would be 28! Oh gosh.... *in denial*

So don't even talk about 2008, mathematically I'll be 29 but I'm still 27. I hope I can always be 27. But I'll surely look forward to 30! Upstairs being say I'll be successful at 30 (buaahahahaha)... but even if I'm not predicted to be succesfully, I know I will be looking forward to age 30 more than being 29. Cos 29 is just the number before 30! Like I can officially say I'm 'old' when I'm 30, hence not do so much stuff and get away with it... wakakakakaz..

When I turn 30, I'll then have reason to be more concern of my health that I never care about because I'm supposed to be still young. You know like even bother to self-examine for lump in breast or do what check for what level...

When I turn 30, I'll know that I'm not young anymore, hence in my career I'll be pushing myself harder or be more proactive at work & not be so lackadaisical in updating my resume. Due to the age pressure, will want to challenge myself to be somewhere...

When I turn 30, I'll then start to wonder if I'll ever get married?

When I turn 30, I'll probably have a place of my own...

So... back to two-nine... what's there being 29? I won't get a new boyfriend at 29. I don't even know if I'll change job at 29. I've heard they say girls don't get married at 29. The world economy doesn't look so good in Q1 2008, the only 'certainty' in 2008 is the 'uncertainty' of the market. I dread to see if the funds I chose underperform and I'm answerable to my clients. They say the property bubble might burst, but then I don't even know if I should share buy property with my boyfriend? Should I join the Effective Speaking Course? Will I ever be going to Tibet? Will there be an election and can opposition win more parliamentary seats for the people's sake?

Anyway, I guess 2008 is just an extension or carry forward from 2007. Just keep snowballing the initiatives and efforts put in during 2007. If all the plans for 2008 can be pulled off successful, then 2008 will eventually end with a bang! And I'll be anticipating for the 080808 opening of the Beijing Olympics.

My hope for 2008.... that my spirit for INCOVAR and 9bugz can be sustained if not lifted to higher level... that I will meet with more wise people to mentor / guide me... that we can all successfully achieve what we've set out to acheive.... that I can continue to inspire or help people... that I'll be wiser... that the coming general election is fairer...

A toast to a wonderful 2007 that's been!

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about measure the year 2007 - measure in love?