My husband childhood trauma sharing with Mindful Parenting Grp

It's amazing how the whole long winded post that I wrote in the notepad unsaved, is just 'pooof' gone! Maybe I can attempt to rewrite it shorter and more meaningfully. I remember writing this Chinese phrasing when I look at other couples, 比上不足，比下有余.

Husband Childhood
I'm blessed with my loving & humourous father, who never raise his voice at my mother. He was the 'yes dear' man that any wife could wish for. My mom is the fierce one and very caring towards humans and animals. She cooks dinner after work, and my parents knew what i like to eat etc. 

My husband's paternal grandfather had 2nd wife in KL when he was lorry driver always not around, while his grandmother raise up my fil and his siblings. I heard the grandma spoil the eldest son which is my fil. And my fil talks condescendingly towards his younger sisters, even now at old age. My fil watched porn (allowed his sons to watch porn) and was not into sports and pets at all. While my dad was a sports enthusiast and very pious, brought my mom and me to BMV when I was in my mom's belly. My dad inherited the Quek family Chinese altar, he introduced Buddha image to be placed in the centre. It's hard to find a man who doesn't follow any sports - thats my husband. I used to watch football and badmintin wiht my family, but not with my husband family. 

I heard this story a few times, when my husband was a baby, crying aloud, his father and his maternal grandma argue over something related to my husband, and the grandpa threw the rice pot on the floor. From then my fil forbid his 2 sons to return to their mother side for CNY. My mil family is quite small, during my wedding, my mil side of family took up less than half the table. Needless to say, my Chinese wedding looks like my parents were the main host, cos my side took up more tables. 

I wanted to share that, I grew up never having men raising voice at me. In my work life male bosses were respectful people. But this is different when I married my hot-tempered husband. My fil shouting at my mil is a daily affair eventhough he is already so frail and wearing pampers. My side? Even my parents' brothers are 'obidient' to their wife. It's just very different living with my in law. 

Side joke, my husband's 4th uncle, my fil's only brother often ask me "how ur fil got scold people ha?" i of course reply Gottt needless to say, this nice uncle somehow is different from his obnoxious dailoh. 

School days, my husband didn't have home-cooked food dinner, father who was a teacher tapau and settled their daily routine, while his mother come back late. So I must understand why my mil don't know what my husband like to eat/dont eat. 

Birth of my son
My pil were staying in their Setapak condo when my son was born. Then my mil became my son's caregiver against my wishes. It was my bil idea, he doesn't want his then 63 mom to continue working, it was good strategy for my mil to finally retire, she has no experience in taking care of baby. My bil claimed it was my husband who asked him for help, which my husband never told me and denied. I don't want to argue with my bil anymore. I felt alot of resentment because no one respect my decision as the mother of my child. So that's the start how my mil and gradually my fil moving into my small little hut. The condo is still there not renting out, not selling. My bil family has semi-D in Kota D'sara but now residing Spore with high pay + Filipino maid. 

When we were planning to get married, we didnt really sort out or agree on  major life decisions. He didn't want kid, I want kids. We didn't agree on his parents moving in to stay wiht us, it just happened. I felt like I lost my autonomy and my freedom. Every time when I speak, I have to filter and think before I say, cos my mil mind perspective things very differently from me. I used to be so carefree and happy go lucky person, do what I want, say what I want in my world. 

Resentment
I don't know if my husband feels inferior to his smarter more successful elder bro. His parents are so scared of their eldest son, abang say anything they just listen and no sound. But with us, his parents are in their natural argumentative self. I grew up thinking elderly parents should live with their eldest son, but that's not what happen to my husband. My husband is the much poorer younger son who has to be responsible for his aging parents. 

What's my point? Maybe I shall end here.. i duno where is this going to. I can go on and on about my husband. Bottomline is I'm not sure if this is what they call  the wife emasculate the man. This is not my intention, but I often see myself nagging him still not filing his tax and not being hands-on with the kids (always rely on his mother when I'm busy or out). And its vulnerable for me to say this, but i felt hurt by my husband on few occasion. 

Happy Xmas 2020 | Spiritual Cultivation Retreat 2020

 It is Christmas night now and I'm all alone at Cindy parents' house all alone by myself. It is the first time that I managed to participate in a meditation retreat! I was so excited on the first night, when I checked-in the Horizon. I slept so well, with the cooling aircon and complete darkness with the lights off. 

I'm glad that sayang is able to take care of the 2 kids without me. This is a test for me and also a test for him, and for my kids! I heard this saying by one of the BGF ClubMed facilitator "If I'm a young child, I'll be more happy that my parents actually went and come back from a retreat!" 

I'm also thankful for this experience during this covid-19 crazy year that retreat is now just me and myself, with online zoom lessons on and off. I can be bra-less. I can be alone. I can sleep on the floor. I can do whatever I want! I hardly get this type of freedom of expression when I'm living with my family. 

Talking about my family, I guess I'm learning to accept that my parents in law will be living with me permanently. In fact I had wanted to register this blog spot talking about the new BU11 property that we've just booked! After a whole month of hullabaloo with the loan application, I finally got a decent offer from RHB, and with that me and sayang can sign the SPA on our supportive-date, either 6th Jan or 24th Jan. Now this new big house that we're aiming for, will house the Wong ancestor tablet, so then sayang don't need to keep going back to the empty Sepatak house for festival prayer days. 

In my mind, I do wish to offer my one-of-a-kind mil her own room, where she can place all her 'stuff'' should she wish to sell her Setapak condo. (brief sigh...)

If not for the calming SCR2020 with bhante Kumara, I wouldn't be so subdued in my writing today, I'm trying to understand the craving that causes my conflict / sufferings in relation to my in laws. Bhante Kumara said, if you are aware and fully understand the cause of craving of wanting / not wanting, there is nothing to let go, when you accept and understand the underlying cause of your suffering... letting go happens automatically. 

It is like why sayang always say "you expect the stubborn old people to change?" 

What is it that I want now... am I aiming for Nibbana? Or as a mundane lay person, aiming for a harmonious family life? It wont be easy, it is so hard.... to truly understand the nature of people that I have to live with everyday of my life, and accept the situation with deep level of understanding, then there is no conflict with my inner self. But I must also note that there are things that I don't like, and things that I need to say, or things that I must do. I should also not conflict with myself. 

I am grateful for this isolation, this opportunity to have self-reflection, especially during this time when the year is rallying its final week before we usher in the hopeful new year. I realized how rare this moment of solitude is for me... being a person who grew up with in a closed-knit family, and I always had roommate(s), seldom sleep alone in my whole life time. 

With this 'free' time alone, I could even exercise longer duration outside, without the fear and anxiety of watching over my 3yo daughter. I'm thinking if a person spend the more days in self-retreat, the more one feel detach from his/her loved ones? 

Well maybe balance and moderation is the key here... as we want to give more space to even our own heart-and-soul family, once in awhile, for them to have their invaluable me-time. 

The consciousness of my mil story is always at the back of my head. I've attended enough psychologist talk to know that my mil had abandonment scar in her brain and potentially have silent mental health issue, but she is either disguising is so very well or she has fully accepted / and understood her predicament that letting go already happened. I want to say that I really admire her.... but deep down inside I'm aware that I don't. There is conflict in me when I think about her. Shall I be more open and honest with my feelings and thoughts when associating with her? So many thoughts to reflect upon, as I strive to truly accept and understand the nature of my parents in law. 

Note worthy to mention, in this retreat, I try not to eat dinner, and hence I hope to shed the kilos and maybe I don't need to start on the hypertension medication! I want to maintain good health, physically and mentally. 

My wish for the new year, is to be able to happily build a new home with my tri-generational family, and wish that sayang can value me more, (but this is the exact craving bhante was talking about)... if no craving for affection and understanding, no sourness/sufferings. Is it that easy to attain? Just not craving, not wanting anything more from my husband? (im crying now) 

A part of me always cry thinking that if I don't crave for more appreciation and affection from my one husband, then what is the point of marriage? Where is there love for each other? Why bother entangle in this mundane life? Do I really want to further dwell into or renounce this conflicting / suffering mundane life? Should I even request sayang to read my private blog post? Why should I fear how will he be negatively affected if he ever read my posts here? 

This is me. 

The weirdest period of my life... well of planet earth!

I'm not going to let past this period of my lifetime not penning down what has happened from January 2020 until now its April 2020 and the Covid-19 virus pandemic is creating a big mess to the whole world. Recession is so expected to come and well people are dying from it. I'm praying really hard for the safe recovery of Bro. Jerry Ong, he really need alot miracle prayer and blessings for him to overcome this ordeal as he is suffering alone in the ICU at Sg Buloh hospital.

Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).

Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.

Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!

Women or mothers have this superpower you know....

If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair....  I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).

My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....

In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.

I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.

I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.

There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.

Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!

I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.

I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.

My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.

May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings. 

A Psychic Friend

Its 3am of a July 2019, its a week before Sayang's 40th birthday. I don't know if I still have any 'sayang' left inside me to really feel the 'sayang'. Today he threw / flung my car key at my direction, in the presence of his parents, my mom and my kids. This short temper trigger after he went to scold his son (AGAIN) and made him cry unnecessarily while I'm still having my dinner.

Anyway, I don't feel any anger, well maybe for a split second I was berserk, I just couldn't accept the dangerious behavior of throwing things, esp when there is kids around!

So this is my life now at 40. Did I tell you I'm actually looking forward to my 40th birthday? Come this day after my 40th birthday, would be my 10th Wedding Anniversary! Nah the wedding anniversary is really nothing to shout about, with this kind of dysfunctional relationship that I'm having with the guy I married to. But for my 40th birthday, I'm already thinking which restaurant to host the dinner, to have karaoke, to invite my bff, aside from the usual family members. See I look forward to life, to embracing life, to rally for another decade of being a good mother, good hardworking employee of the bank and perhaps inch nearer to my goal of freedom!

Freedom - this will tie back to my post title - the psychic friend. I have a few bff but none can really describe my true self as precisely as this new friend! Well actually he's an old friend that I knew in temple, some 20 years ago. He added me on FB one day after missing for so long, and then we chat on the phone the first time, I remember I was taking the mrt ride home, and he made me cry while sitting in the moving train! He just said things that he intuitively instinctively knew about me. When people tell you the cold hard truth that hit straight into your heart, you know you will feel overwhelmed with emotions, and your tears will roll naturally.

Anyway later on I did introduce him to LT as well, as he's actually pretty damn good in his character and personality analysis of people, he just has this talent, this gift. I met some other people who has this similar mind-reading power they possess. He was going to offer to come to my home, to check the element, and also to help Sayang to improve his business, since the home is where Sayang work and conduct his business. Of course without iota of doubt, Sayang would not agree to meeting this new psychic friend. In fact I've been pretty good at holding back now days, I would usually naturally tell everything that has happened.... but the wise thing to do now, is just following the advise - step by step.

Psychic friend gave me glimmer of hope that my relationship with Sayang will improve, if I trust him, to take it step by step slowly. He promised me that one day, when the condition is right. he will seriously talk to Sayang. I had doubts on how he, more or less a stranger to Sayang, can talk and make Sayang want to listen to him??! Sounds like mission impossible leh! Well he assured me no worries, he will have his way. He did say that Sayang will not listen to anyone except to a monk or higher realm beings, of which I agree! You see phychic friend is not deva yet and is a lay person not a monk, how is he going to get Sayang to truly listen to his counseling?

Well since I always give chance for opportunity and positive possibility, who knows if my psychic friend is right, he will and he can manage to talk to Sayang! I have hope. I must have hope. It is with this hope, that I calm down myself, I forgive myself. I try to talk myself not to steer onto the escape path.

You see, its deep inside my mind that I was (probably still am giving rise to this thought) of walking out of this marriage. Just a matter of time when my kids are much older and are self-sufficient. Anyway, did I tell you the joke that psychic friend told me, that's why he ask me to decide what I want, if I really want to leave or make the relationship work. He said he saw a 3rd party. I ask who me with another guy, or Sayang another girl -- me! I laughed... me 40 year old married with 2 kids still got people want?! Kanasai not bad woh.... ok well in my secret escape plan, I don't intent to live with another guy, I just want what I value the most in my life -- FREEDOM!

I see how sis. Julia live alone after separated from her husband, in her small apartment, not bad what! She still maintain good relationships all her in-laws. She has 2 grown up sons, she assured me 'dragon' child is very smart... that she told me when I was pregnant with Ariya, my water dragon boy! I believe he is smart, he has obvious dyslexia symptoms but, I read about dyslexia child, they are all smart people! So what for the father keep getting all hot-tempered and make the young child cry so often?! I want my children to grow up in a happy environment, to learn to be respectful, independent, kind and loving. Even if the child ends up last in class - soooo what?! In a matter of years he will be in secondary school where the syllabus will be somehow 'easier' (to me lah I think).

Did I tell you, the most assuring thing Psychic friend told me, is that I have the 'protective' element in me for my children. That's why he advocate co-sleeping with kids and to bring kids along for travels. I raised my concern about how its expensive to bring my kids along to travel with me, esp if I want to go somewhere far... he said money can always find back, my kids will always be protected when they with me. Awww.... again I feel like crying hearing this. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I LOVE MY KIDS. Obviously its natural thing for me to combine both travel + kids together? See my mom is always against travelling with kids, well that's for her not me! I'm me, not only it feels right for me to bring my kids along, my kids will be safe and protected when they are with me. Some friends, I know they can leave their kids behind when they travel with their husband... I can't.

I have good elements in my life, I know I'm doing quite OK in my career and my kids are growing just fine. I can't say the same for my husband.... actually I really don't mind if he's not earning alot of money. In this modern society, we know that many wives earn more than their husband. It's normal, its OK. I can see that some men, don't take it too well. Like what Psychic friend say, men ah... their ego is VERY high wan! They dunno how difficult it is to give birth, to carry baby for 9 months, to breastfeed... all looks easy for men. That's why women's brain is wired to be so resilient, so strong, so brave, so sacrificial (like my mil). Well its really hard to find a real men who can really understand and appreciate the women in their lives, so much so that they will lower down their ego... you know like my dad type?! :)))) I really respect my dad. My mom is soooo difficult to tahan, but he can tahan. So now my dad cannot walk already, my mom will stay back and serve him everyday of the week, of the year... I don't know if I have the good karma like my parents to have each other even in their old age. I don't want that type of elderly couple, who don't really care for each other but still living together for fear of being alone. Maybe its scary to die to alone... but its okay i supposed.... with my good karma, insyallah.

OK its 4am now, lotsa of crying writing this piece. At least I pen down this chapter, as I embrace my transition into my club-40, I hope my Sayang don't jealous of me, I hope he can have Mudita for me, as I try to learn to have Metta and Karuna for him. The Upekkha is for his parents, whom I can't change.

Psychic friend... if you can read this, remember what you promised me ya! I told him that even if he failed to talk to Sayang, and if Sayang also don't listen to him. I'll be contented that at least Psychic friend tried or have the intention to help him. I already 'mou nang wai lik' to help this impossible husband of mine. Psychic friend reminded me why I married him in the first place, he put it in such words that is actually true, truer than what I thought. Well I thought I married Sayang because you know age is catching up, and nobody else would want me, and my parents or society pressure would somehow make me marry him. Well he said, I married Sayang because he's not too bad, he is OKay lah... you know i was a very simple happy go lucky person! You always hear 'chinchai' la coming out from my mouth.

Lets try to wrap this up, before i get puffy eyes in 3 hours time when I get ready for work. That is another story, but nothing so worthy for me to pen down about my work.

First time I'm home alone with just my 2 kids for a week!

Don't want the world to know I'm home alone with my two lovely kids as their papa join his parents to Indonesia, or rather join his mother. His father was supposed to join the trip together, everything paid for and he even dyed his hair / brows for the trip. Just a day before their departure, his father got warded in hospital for weak legs. *faint* and he was grounded.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry... that I'm the one person left to tend to this old man, thankfully there's still 4sok the brother of this old man. If it is my own parents or my own uncle, I wouldn't feel so head-banging. I'm actually very tight up with my life, having to juggle work and 2 kids while the husband is out of the country!

Sometimes the incidents that enfolds infront of you has a meaning to it, if you use your wise intuition to see it. I could complain that why I have bad karma to have to experience this? But I also could see it that I'm the angel, I'm the blessing for this old man and this weird Wong family. I don't want to believe that in my past life, I owe it to them that in this life its payback time.

In fact I was secretly looking forward to the husband and his parents to be out of the house for the whole week, so then I can peacefully declutter and rearrange the house! I have grown to appreciate being a minimalist as I age... but my parents in law are still in their strange world. The husband is also strange, he keep his floral stuff in his own home that he shares with his family. He thinks it is his rights for his business requirements, that he collect all the baskets, the bulky stands and boxes, and 3-4 huge boxes of vases that he only used once. The house space is fixed, but his stuff for his business is ever growing. The family has grown and need more space yet the space is getting lesser and lesser.

Marriage life for my case is definitely not a bed of roses. There is alot alot of effort that both me and the husband have to take, to compromise, and to not get on each other's nerve. I'm not sorry for thinking that sometimes I wish to just get away, to drop it all, and just move out on my own. The kids can come visit me for leisure and homework guidance, in my imagination, I just wish for the freedom and space... to just do nothing and be with myself, in my cosy little own apartment with swimming pool.

I'm sorry for not being magnanimous enough to be subservient to this weirdest Wong family. If one day you need my help for counselling and helping you really to sort your life out, I will be most happy to do it. Until then... lets continue to pretend to be husband and wife while the kids are still young. 

Vesak 2017 ~ this lousy mind of mine

I'm 10 weeks preggy now with my 3rd baby inside me. So far no spotting, no bloody show. First scan at 6 weeks was all good with heart beat detected by Dr. Hoo. Its a no-brainer why I chose to go back to my 1st gynae afterall, she guided me through my natural miscarriage last year in the month of May.

If all good this baby will greet the world perhaps on the same birthday as Ariya! There is a hope that I'll get a baby sister for Ariya gege... we'll see about that. It is of course perfectly fine if I get another baby boy. As long as baby is healthy and peaceful.

Don't follow mummy's imperfect state of mind, day in day out, always wondering why she's living in the same house with her fil that she got no respect for. Even her own beloved father has advised "why you so like that!" He is very different from other fatherly-figure that you can imagine. Maybe I will never be able to truly fully accept him for the perverted self-centered obnoxious loud person that he is... maybe it really doesn't help when his own wife is always relaying all the bad things about him... surely it doesn't help when his own son speak loudly rudely to him as well... it really doesn't help whenever he occupy my guestroom upstairs (my children's future bedroom).

I can't help it, I got a pair of good ears I can hear the TV switched on very loudly. I prefer my home to be quiet and peaceful, or sometimes just with background music on - definitely NOT SOUND OF THE NOISY TV polluting the air waves in my house.

Did I mention that I really wish that if I were to be on confinement period, I wish he's not sharing the same "living space" with me. I very much prefer to be bra-less at all times, resting quietly at home with my newborn child, perhaps with a confinement lady to take care of me and newborn baby. Many a times, I think about how I'm half owner of my home, but my space and freedom is definitely violated. Freedom to raise my son the way I wanted. Freedom from being constantly reminded of petty stuff that I don't need, and don't want to be reminded of. Freedom from not having to hear his voice telling my son what to do repeatedly every single time he sees my son. Its like he got nobody to talks to, he talks to my son every single time. I can't imagine myself growing up and having some grown up telling me this and that and this and that.... I choose freedom. I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD LIKE AN IDIOT THIS THAT THIS THAT every time!

I'm ever more thankful my parents have always let me be me! I do my homework when I want to do. I take my bath when I want to take my bath. I eat when I'm hungry. I love my son - I want him to too to enjoy the freedom that I had as a child and up until before I got married. Do I actually love my spouse or not? Well it takes 2 to Tango, and it takes alot of practice to perfect something even a relationship. Its easy to fall in love, or fall in the love with the idea of falling in love. And then what to live harmoniously till death do us part - its gonna take whole lot more effort, nurturing, kindness and understanding to stay happily married till death do us part!

Its sad and hurtful whenever sayang raise his voice at me, although he doesn't admit he is raising his voice, because he think he's just speaking/talking assertively. Other husbands would know it and some (like my dad) will often just stay quiet to please their yes-dear wife. I didn't marry to this type of guy. The I guy I married is the offspring of his chauvinistic-first-born-in-the-family-don't-give-a-fuck-of-his-inlaw father. What does he know about respecting his in-law family? How many people I know who is actually not on talking terms with this man?

Want to judge me for being a lousy daughter in law, or judge me for always having negative thoughts about my fil? Come be in my shoe, come and imagine yourself married into this weird family. Oh that I tell you that I'm not the only daughter-in-law that he has but I'm the one who has to put up living under the same roof with him? My karma or what?! Sigh....


Happy Wesak 2017!!!

How to "have compassion"?

This is what sayang said to me "have compassion" (referring to his parents, as he couldn't choose his father nor his mother for that matter).

I'm not sure if he is indeed having compassion himself towards me. I'm not sure if you can "ask" compassion to be given, if it was that easy, I could just open my wallet and nah - compassion!

As the saying goes - life is always a 'choice'. What option do I want to undertake? I guess at end of the day, my root issue with my self, is as i've let 'chance' to determine my path, and not able to break free to make conscious decision everyday, to be happy! To feel free!

Ok... maybe i should start creating a list... what truly makes me happy, and what I think I really want ::

1. Sit for the Citrix Certified Administrator (CCA) which by now is already a legacy cert, but company has sent me for training, I must make sure I sit for the exam, pass, and get certified! Target July 14th.

2. Play building blocks or read more books together with my son! Inspire my son to learn and encourage him to be good boy ( not just one who likes to manja his grandma only ).

3. Get motivated at work, learn the art of people-management, impress my bosses, get a good raise, or just add value to my career... so that when I really aspire to jump ship, I can land myself with a damn good company, with good benefits, and have a successful career ( that comes with moderate work life balance ).

4. It would be a nice wish, but I know I can't change other people - I wish my sayang would change for me. Sounds impossible eh? Yes I knew it... I just haven't sink in that fact.... maybe perhaps possibly?! Ahhh... but its such a magical wish ain't it? I wish like how the fairy tale weddings are like, where the man would say "yes" to anything the wife say / ask. Like when I say I wanna go Penang book this hotel, you say "yes dear" not "its too expensive we can stay at another place"... so anti-climax! Or when I so syiok sendiri plan for holiday for myself and the family to get away, you want to bring your father along (although I didn't plan to fit him in). Did your brother fit your father in when he plan for his family outing?

5. Go swimming.... like for real! I've gone swimming by myself since giving birth to my son... last I went to pool to paddle in the deep pool is when I was pregnant with Ariya.... oh i really miss swimming the breaststroke.

6. Go shopping! Ooohhh retail therapy... is. so. fun! Wish I'm not that broke, have no money worries, and just spend! I like shopping and buying things as gifts for people! For grandma birthday.. for friends' baby birthday... for christmas present... for myself... for my mil or my parents... ahhhhh...

7. Find  Meet my spiritual master or shifu, in my quest for liberation. Ajahn Brahm? Thubten Chodron? Ven. Amaranatho? Ven. Sing Kan? I. want. to. break. free!

Freedom alas I shall taste... when hunger no more in the haste... may my mind be free from chase... may my life and time not go to waste! 

Live and Learn

It's the first night without sayang as he's on his way to Delhi with some of the BGF exco. I'm somewhat looking forward to the solitude at the comfort of my own home. Am I going to complain about my own ocd husband at my blog? Not now after I've attended Jeff Oliver's "Live and Learn" workshop today....

It was good that I can finally put into perspective on why certain unwholesome thoughts appear in my mind. Before today, I was thinking to rant about why I don't feel its good/healthy for both husband & wife to be working in the same organisation, esp when both are very strong-headed /opinionated. Before today, I was quite convinced that I want to step down from Exco role, and let him take over my position, since he's the one who has the most to say.

I wanted to take the back-seat, one car cannot have 2 drivers. Even if he's driving and I'm at the passenger seat, I'm not supposed to give directions whatsoever, and vice-versa. That's how it is.

Coming back to what I've discovered from Jeff Oliver... when you feel hurt, or when you (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt someone else, seek forgiveness! Not just forgiveness from others, we must try to understand the emotions that came about, was it 'selfishness, anger or confusion' that led us to being hurt / hurting people? It is possible that during that moment, we were unwise and we didn't understand the true nature of things, that's why we get upset or we take things for granted or we harm people. Which in the end, we feel guilty or we harm / hurt ourselves. One must learn to FORGIVE oneself. Say "I forgive myself..."

It was very powerful... its true that I was not wise enough to comprehend fully everything. When there is high-expectation, there is high-disappointment! That's the natural law. Of course this 'expectation = desire' led me to another confusion, that is why would a leader set high standard? Whether setting high standard for oneself, or high standard for the company/organisation/team that we work in?

Wish I can clarify this with another Dhamma teacher who's not tooo laid back in the Theravada Vipassana tradition, perhaps someone more socially engaged with the worldly conditions that we currently dwell in.

Yes I can sense / observe that I'm stucked in samsara...

Through mindfulness / awareness practise, I'm noting the thoughts that arises from moment to moment, sometimes I analyse too much, sometimes I don't get it. Mantra sets in... "I forgive myself"

This post is about my experience and what goes through my mind/heart about being with my other half. So this solitude that I've been looking forward to, is for me to be at peace with myself. No expectation, no question to ask, no sight of OCD-behaviour. Just relax...

How can one be in an unconditional-love relationship with a spouse? How can both husband & wife not have any expectation of each other? How can both party truly accept, embrace, forgive, love and care for each other unconditionally?

For Jeff Oliver, he said he can....

For me? I'm still discovering / learning the art of exemplary happy married life!

the black general

I was contemplate to write this post in my private blog (where nobody can read) or on this blog where perhaps my friends can read. Its abit private, well to him at least. Cos talking about him is a private affair and he don't condone me openly sharing my thoughts with regards to him. The point to pen down is, first time I saw him 'summon' the North General through the Taoist ritual ceremony. The 5 direction of generals are also recognised by their colour, and he wears the black cloth around his waist over white-chinese-kungfu-pants & temple shirt. Of cours he looks 'macho' in that attire, but when he do the chanting and ritual with

...to spill the beans

At tonight's reunion dinner, I'm going to tell everybody... that I'm getting married!

Our ROM > 19.09.2009

Our wedding dinner > still pending sg buloh cikgu to revert back, but we hope its... 09.01.10

Easy to remember right?

First thing first, we must get our house key. Start renovating. By end of March, I should get confirmed by my bank, so I can apply for staff reno-loan.

Anyway, since the ancestor tablet is at sayang's setapak hse, so for the traditional chinese keluar-masuk pintu, will be from Setapak to my hse in PJ back to Setapak. Then back to our new house (with no ancestor tablet yet).

Sayang was thinking of an unusual style for the ji-muis and heng-dais, shhhh my close friends would have known it by now. Not sure how will it work, or how my parents will faint... we'll see.

And sayang doesn't fancy those western-white gown... for me, I don't drool over it, whatever it is, has to fit and match my body size... and I do think wearing the chinese-kwa would be more authentic and culturally significant. And its long sleeve, so can cover my fat flabby arms! *wakakkakaaz...*

Hmmm... what else can I share, we're planning for a pre-wedding shoot and we've not visited any bridal studio and we don't plan to walk into any one! *Doh... sometimes I think it's cool having a meijoonized personality and marrying another one-of-a-kind sayang. We both dread having our pictures taken in a studio! Very fortunate that sayang has a cousin who's a professional wedding photographer! And you bet, its gonna be outdoor shoot! *ok ok I know many other couples who'd had pre-wedding shoot outdoor, esp the beach*

Now comes the dinner, this one it's not gonna be easy, sayang is really hoping to have it simple. By simple he means small. At the back of my mind, me being only daugther, me being first grandchild, me being first in both side of my family to get married... you think my parents can accommodate to a small wedding?! Wakakkakaz... anyway, that's where we'll have 2 receptions!

One very chinesey, one not typical. Chinese dinner most likely at Ming Room @ BSC that can only fit 22 tables maximum. *everybody pray for me that Ming Room will be available for us for our chosen date! Problem I don't have the date YET. The last I checked, they're going for renovation ready in June, so all booking can only be made after June!*

For the other more casual for friends punya dinner - we're looking at some cool places like Rahsia? Passion Road (we've check it out lotsa of mosquito lah!!)... You know of any cool places like that in the city or in PJ? Do you think buffet or served-dinner is better for a casual romantic wedding dinner with mostly friends as guests?

OK enough with spilling out the beans.

At the end of the day, there's alot of give and take. What I want, what he wants. How to compromise each other... I guess we'll take a whole life time to practise it.

Teacher advised: He is 大男人。我是大女人。So in order to sustain a harmonious relationship, we gotta remember 要配合, 要包容 & 要善解。