First time I'm home alone with just my 2 kids for a week!

Don't want the world to know I'm home alone with my two lovely kids as their papa join his parents to Indonesia, or rather join his mother. His father was supposed to join the trip together, everything paid for and he even dyed his hair / brows for the trip. Just a day before their departure, his father got warded in hospital for weak legs. *faint* and he was grounded.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry... that I'm the one person left to tend to this old man, thankfully there's still 4sok the brother of this old man. If it is my own parents or my own uncle, I wouldn't feel so head-banging. I'm actually very tight up with my life, having to juggle work and 2 kids while the husband is out of the country!

Sometimes the incidents that enfolds infront of you has a meaning to it, if you use your wise intuition to see it. I could complain that why I have bad karma to have to experience this? But I also could see it that I'm the angel, I'm the blessing for this old man and this weird Wong family. I don't want to believe that in my past life, I owe it to them that in this life its payback time.

In fact I was secretly looking forward to the husband and his parents to be out of the house for the whole week, so then I can peacefully declutter and rearrange the house! I have grown to appreciate being a minimalist as I age... but my parents in law are still in their strange world. The husband is also strange, he keep his floral stuff in his own home that he shares with his family. He thinks it is his rights for his business requirements, that he collect all the baskets, the bulky stands and boxes, and 3-4 huge boxes of vases that he only used once. The house space is fixed, but his stuff for his business is ever growing. The family has grown and need more space yet the space is getting lesser and lesser.

Marriage life for my case is definitely not a bed of roses. There is alot alot of effort that both me and the husband have to take, to compromise, and to not get on each other's nerve. I'm not sorry for thinking that sometimes I wish to just get away, to drop it all, and just move out on my own. The kids can come visit me for leisure and homework guidance, in my imagination, I just wish for the freedom and space... to just do nothing and be with myself, in my cosy little own apartment with swimming pool.

I'm sorry for not being magnanimous enough to be subservient to this weirdest Wong family. If one day you need my help for counselling and helping you really to sort your life out, I will be most happy to do it. Until then... lets continue to pretend to be husband and wife while the kids are still young. 

I am CRAZZZieeee!!!

In spite of seeking advise from Sg. Buloh er-jie, who strongly discourage me to bring a 6mo baby along to UK travel, I still can't imagine any other way. And I've been reading and thinking of all the possibilities, till the extend of my brain getting too heavy...

I need to bring my baby along wherever I go, no matter how far and how troublesome it would be, because I need to breastfeed the baby! You know, for all nursing mothers, if baby is not with you, you need to pump milk. Well I can bring a manual pump, but how about milk storage?! Between choosing to nurse a cranky baby vs manually express milk 6 times a day (without baby direct latching) - obviously former wins.

There is a risk for baby falling sick, due to low immune system at merely 6 months old. I'm not sure about that... how about the chances of baby NOT falling sick? There's a risk of jeopardizing baby's schedule... what's a schedule for baby?! Milk - sleep - play - poo cycle. I can bf baby anywhere in the plane, in the car, in the park, in the hotel... Baby can sleep on my body with my baby carrier, can sleep in the bassinet, can sleep in the baby carseat, ... Seriously WHY do I NOT see it as troublesome?!!

You will gain amazing experience and its all in the mindset that you CAN do it!

Will I regret about the bad things that might happen to baby because I decided to bring baby along with me to travel half way round the globe? How about asking, will I regret NOT bring baby? Will I regret NOT travelling at all?

Hubby says "you think you'll have no chance to travel next time?" I tell you what... what is "next time?" How many 38-year-old do you get in your life? When you talk about money investment or insurance - time is money. You start save or invest early, you reap more $$$ in the long term. Talking about travelling, its not like I'm travelling for the benefit of myself only. I'm bringing my MOTHER and mother-in-law ALONG to their fave destination. I know I can just send them to join another travel agency traveling all the way by coach. It's different! My mom will surely complain about all the walking she need to do.... but since I'm PLANNING for the trip with my mom's physique in mind, I want her to ENJOY the trip, with the least walking to do, and least lugging the suitcase around.

She may complain about the hassle of having to care for a small baby while travelling, but me having to lug a baby along will surely slow me down, and perhaps my mom would be able to keep up my 'slower pace'!

So what if I try to imagine myself travelling "next time"... when baby is older... that's when my elder son would have started formal school, thereby lesser window of opportunity to fit in a summer holiday to the northern or southern hemisphere.

Why can't I travel without the kids?! Would I want to mafan other ppl to take care of my own kids while I go on holiday to enjoy myself?!! My kids will miss me... i will miss my kids... I think I still can afford to bring them along in my trips.

Yeah... I must be one hell of a crazy mummy. I may go down as worst mummy ever... and that's just who I am, and how my brain and emotions are wired. I'm soooo immensely thankful that I have my kids, and its easy to get pregnant for me, and my kids are a part my life now, until they're 18yo.

At end of it all - I can share with you, whether it was bad or good experience. I may be able to write a book about it... If i didn't go, no experience to write about... life is just a mundane same routine, what do I live for? 

Will i am

I want to write a Will, maybe after baby girl is born where her IC and passport is made. 

I want to write a Will where all my inheritance goes to my eldest son and my youngest daughter (yes I know I'll only have 2). 

I don't like the idea of leaving any inheritance to my husband. Maybe because I've been the breadwinner of the family, and he earns less than half of my income. Should I leave this world before him, he doesn't have the luxury to spend the money that I've earned. 

There is however 1 property (G-Residence) that is under his name, but merely using his name with my brother, co-financed by 4 people where I'm the 1/4 financer. Should we sell off G-Residence at RM1mil then I'll get RM250K from there. 

I've recently purchased a property - Cemara - at Equine Park at RM280K. I hope to sell it off after 10 years to reap about RM500K if possible to finance Ariya's tertiary education overseas. It would be a lie if I said I don't have hopes for my children. At the very least, I wish to give them options when they finish their secondary school. 

(I vividly recall this conversation my mom had with me when I was only form 3 - "Dont dream of going overseas to study, your parents don't have the money, your only option is local Uni") 

I was a dreamer since as young as I could remember. I aced in my geography. I knew many of the capital cities of the worlds, I had a world map stuck on my wall during my childhood years.

What is RM500K in the future in the year 2030? What can Ariya choose to study and where can he go with just RM500K in 2030? 

Then comes my baby girl, how can I not keep aside some money for her as well to have the opportunity to choose what she wants to study! Would I sound unfair if I were to only give her RM250K? 

I think when I retire at 55yo, my EPF would have about RM400K. Should I maintain good health and have the good karma to a long life, assume I live up to 80yo, and no holiday trip ever, I can only spend up to RM1300 per month.

I would not hope for my children to give me allowance in my old age. If my body is still able, I want to live a independent life. I can even renounce to be a nun or be an engaged-Buddhist social worker.

Back to my husband, should I really be gone before him, and after my 2 kids are well tucked in a good university and I still have some extra $$$.... I don't mind giving him some, not for his daily BAU expenditure. It has to be something meaningful and enriching to his self-development. 

I want him to use the extra $$$ to either expand his business, or to invest in himself (ie. attend coaching / self-development training). Does he really know himself... does he even have a goal in his life, if he doesn't need a goal in life, and can live everyday with only a weekly / monthly plan, might as well become a monk! 

I remember he wanted to buy a house with me, way back then when we were dating. That's about it. Later I initiated marriage. Later I influence him to have 1 child. Then much later influence for 2nd child. Travel to Japan, Taiwan, HongKong? I came up with the idea. There would be trips that he'd go without me, they are usually trips planned by an organisation, not his own initiative, not his own novelty.   

It's quite a waste of my hard earn money, to leave it for such kind of personality to have no meaningful purpose for his life. If he can come out with a great business proposal, if he can start up something (doesn't matter if he will succeed or not), if he were to attend training courses to better himself - why not go for it. I wish my whatever little $ left can be used optimally.

Sigh.. If he were to read this, he would surely feel sore and flare up. That is his default reaction to my words and thoughts, no matter how nicely or gently I put my words... he doesn't take it positively or happily. Its like the existance of me makes him melancholy. 

But I'm sure the non-existance of me would not necessary make him bright and joyful. What am I writing a suicide note? Puhleaseee..... The zero-melancholy eccentric person that I am? 

I am writing this... because I'm ready to die.

Missed miscarriage

Last first day of period was 4th March. I had my 'PT' on my mobile to track my period start dates. After 2 try, I got pregnant. Happy? I must be happy... because I could meet the 2016 baby delivery date, then my 2nd child would be able to start school same year with all the monkey year babies.

It's been 7 weeks plus now, I've got my 2nd opinion with Dr. Hoo... who confirmed with Dr. Nicholas Lim diagnosis that I've had a missed miscarriage. The heartbeat was not detected during my 5th week scan, and the size of the fetus seems to shrunk. The sac also looked like it collapsed.

I'm given 3 options, to wait out for it to pass out naturally. Or I can take medicine to help to speed up the natural process. Or third option go for d&c.

From how the doc described d&c, which means I'd be put to sleep for 10 mins, with full body anesthetic, that sorta freak me out!

Hmm... but I just read a blog post about a lady who experience the tummy cramp and pain that she endured while naturally passing the sac out... and then followed by heavy bleeding... that sounds pretty scary too!

Anyway, I wouldn't know if this baby would be a boy or a girl. I'd wished for a baby girl... after Ariya my lovely kind boy. If it was a girl, my husband found the Pali name "Aira". Well he wants the name to start with A... family tradition kot. I was thinking to myself if its a boy, then the name "Aiya"!!!

On last Thursday 21st April, when Dr. Nicholas confirm my missed miscarriage in the evening after work when we went for the 2nd scan.... of course I cried. Not long later in the car, my phone rang... stupid IT support call that I had to pick up even though I was still grieving with the loss! And that was NOT an easy support call that would end in few seconds. The whole dingdong lasted through out the night until the next morning! Gosh... I guessed it sorta helped me to sleep since I was so tired, and I had to continue to support and had no chance to think about my dead baby.

My mom would highly encourage me to go for d&c, get over and done with quickly.

I'm not ready to go for two weeks mc. I need to go back to office to settle some stuff, to handover whatever I need to, before I schedule for a d&c. Its been 2 weeks and no sign of abdominal cramp nor bleeding.

Do I want to continue to try again after this? Well for sure I wont' be able to meet the 2016 delivery... if I do deliver in 2017, my 2nd child would be 5 years apart from my 1st child. Hope they can still 'play together'.

Ariya my boy is soooooooo caring. When I broke the news to him in the car while driving just with him, I told him mummy's baby is gone... die already. Ariya got no more little brother or sister. Then my tears rolled, Ariya consoled me "mummy I take care of you!" and try to give me a hug. I think I would have no regret in life if I should have only one child, my boy Ariya. I thought it would be better if I gave him a sibling to grow up with.... he too wanted to have a little brother or sister. He likes babies alot! He's such a charming loving caring kind boy, I'm so smitten by my own son. 

My rant

Its been 3 years now since I gave birth to my son. I don't know how long more i have to sabarrr (be patient) to live together under the same roof with them.

If only there's a sign or possible answer to my repeated question ~ when? Can u imagine working hard in your life without ever knowing when your getting your answer you've been yearning for.

Maybe the answer could be negative that is fine. So atleast thats an answer that i can work around with ie. Work out an alternative solution. People shouldnt be left in the dark uncertain and anxiously waiting for answer... the clock is ticking every single second. With each passing moment my pressure build up inside. When will i burst?

Its December now. All i want for xmas.... is answer.

I want change. Change i want. If i dont get any answer by xmas i guess i'll take matters into my own hands. 

How to "have compassion"?

This is what sayang said to me "have compassion" (referring to his parents, as he couldn't choose his father nor his mother for that matter).

I'm not sure if he is indeed having compassion himself towards me. I'm not sure if you can "ask" compassion to be given, if it was that easy, I could just open my wallet and nah - compassion!

As the saying goes - life is always a 'choice'. What option do I want to undertake? I guess at end of the day, my root issue with my self, is as i've let 'chance' to determine my path, and not able to break free to make conscious decision everyday, to be happy! To feel free!

Ok... maybe i should start creating a list... what truly makes me happy, and what I think I really want ::

1. Sit for the Citrix Certified Administrator (CCA) which by now is already a legacy cert, but company has sent me for training, I must make sure I sit for the exam, pass, and get certified! Target July 14th.

2. Play building blocks or read more books together with my son! Inspire my son to learn and encourage him to be good boy ( not just one who likes to manja his grandma only ).

3. Get motivated at work, learn the art of people-management, impress my bosses, get a good raise, or just add value to my career... so that when I really aspire to jump ship, I can land myself with a damn good company, with good benefits, and have a successful career ( that comes with moderate work life balance ).

4. It would be a nice wish, but I know I can't change other people - I wish my sayang would change for me. Sounds impossible eh? Yes I knew it... I just haven't sink in that fact.... maybe perhaps possibly?! Ahhh... but its such a magical wish ain't it? I wish like how the fairy tale weddings are like, where the man would say "yes" to anything the wife say / ask. Like when I say I wanna go Penang book this hotel, you say "yes dear" not "its too expensive we can stay at another place"... so anti-climax! Or when I so syiok sendiri plan for holiday for myself and the family to get away, you want to bring your father along (although I didn't plan to fit him in). Did your brother fit your father in when he plan for his family outing?

5. Go swimming.... like for real! I've gone swimming by myself since giving birth to my son... last I went to pool to paddle in the deep pool is when I was pregnant with Ariya.... oh i really miss swimming the breaststroke.

6. Go shopping! Ooohhh retail therapy... is. so. fun! Wish I'm not that broke, have no money worries, and just spend! I like shopping and buying things as gifts for people! For grandma birthday.. for friends' baby birthday... for christmas present... for myself... for my mil or my parents... ahhhhh...

7. Find  Meet my spiritual master or shifu, in my quest for liberation. Ajahn Brahm? Thubten Chodron? Ven. Amaranatho? Ven. Sing Kan? I. want. to. break. free!

Freedom alas I shall taste... when hunger no more in the haste... may my mind be free from chase... may my life and time not go to waste! 

My parents vs my pil

The difference btwn growing up with my parents vs growing up with my hubby’s parents.

My dad will not interfere I shouldn’t buy for my boy.

My fil told me next time don’t buy xxx because yyy.

My parents are fine with having baby girl, not necessary must have boy.

My fil would always prefer having baby boy, and better still if 1^st and 2^nd child are boys.

My parents will always have a daughter to always care and think about them, and always discuss things with them.

My in-laws and their sons doesn’t reveal everything to each other, got things to hide.

My parents will openly ask me and my bro for money if they need money.

My in-laws don’t share info about money.

My parents own quite a big house, and my bro and his family can live together with my parents for a really long time.

My in-laws own a very small house, and they’ve now moved in to 2^nd/youngest son house which is quite small, no plan to talk about where they’ll live in their later years.

My mom will never claim that she is good cook nor proclaim to people she can x or y very well.

My mil will happily let everybody know she’s great cook in x-dish and always invite everyone to come to eat.

On the similar note…

My parents never people tell people how good their own children are (they know it in their hearts).

My pil will not be shy to let people know how good their 2 sons are.

Honestly I know I’m struggling mentally and emotionally to cope with living together in the same house with worlds-apart pil.

I can see that my brother’s wife is having an easier life living with my parents, she can shoot my dad just like how I can shoot my dad.

With my in-laws, I can’t shoot. All I can do is keep quiet on anything that I don’t like. And just continue to keep bottling up.

My mom can sense it when her dil is unhappy, my mom can adjust accordingly.

My mil doesn’t seems to sense it that I’m unhappy about certain things, and will continue to do her way.

And I can’t really get my husband side me, he is a strange species, who has zero ‘N’ (in MBTI).

When I got married, I certainly didn’t anticipate what life would be living together (now seems permanent) with my in-laws. Maybe it could work out well for some of people, but for me, the meijoon-ised person that I am – find it really NOT what I’m game for.

If only I could turn back time, to pre-delivery of my baby, that I be firm on my plan for babysitter instead of mil moving in.

But I know its for the best for my baby, to grow up with having overwhelming grand-parental love.

Or is it really THAT good for my child? To be overwhelmed from young, to be over loved from birth, to be treated like a prince or emperor of the universe, and to be able to get away with anything just by crying?!

My Life now is like Dead-end

It takes alot mental energy to think of how to bring back the wooden playpen/cot used by myniece at my parents house. Before that i borrowed a plastic playpen. All didnt work. My mil wld still entertain my son and carry him everywhere whenever he fusses just a little.

All my wishes, my planning, my hope... in reality is dead.

I cannot raise my voice at her because she is not my own mother. She is my mil. Nobody can raise his/her voice at her, even her own sons are so polite and kind with her. Because she is after only toooo kind!

Nobody can truly comprehend my shitty mind-disturbing & pathetic situation that i face every day. People say i dont know how to appreciate her. Yes really i really dont know how! I never ask her to soooo kind! She doesnt listen. She does things her way. She impulsively come over to carry my son although im handling him!!! Who is the mother?

How to appreciate for something that i dont want??!!

I dont want her to lose weight because of my son. I dont want her to have no chance to eat a simple tongsui that she took out fr fridge & put in back in fridge for 3 consecutive days!!!

I hate it each time she mention "you eat first la!!"

I hate it each time each time she stand up from her seat while having her meal to come over to my son....

I hate to know my son would rather look for his grandma when he wants comfort. OMG am i not the mother who loveeeees my own son to bits??! Am i not the mother who'd pump and pump and breastfeed my son everyday? Did you know that even a fully breastfeeding caring mom like me is replacable as a mother? I can just move to spore to work and still pump milk and ship the milk back to my son for her to feed.

I cannot complain. Because im the one who should appreciate my lovely kind and sacrificial mil. It would break my husband apart if he has to choose btwn his mom or me. No Dhamma teacher would condone my 'evil' mind. I cannot tell her off like how i doh all my own relatives and inclding my own parents. Im at peace with myself. No need to pretend to be nice. But with her... i have to behave myself. I cannot say things too blunt. I must filter my words. I cannot be my natural sarcastic self. I cannot scream and shout my displeasure on my facebook anymore because she is also on fb.

I need to go for marriage counselling therapy.

My life is dead.

Blog at work at 2am?!

In the office now for my ungodly hour night shift work. (just as I was typing this the pmo lady came to question me my whereabout between 12.30am to 1am... i'm like WTF??!)

Anyway, I had wanted to blog about my (oh what else now I feel like a broken recorder going on and on again on the same issue) but then I notice there's no such entry in my blog. Who knows 10, 20 years down the road I can read back and laugh about it :P 

I know I love my parents ALOTTTT! But when it comes to parents-in-law, how can I share the same kind of love and gratitude towards them? Is it easy for you? Well recently a friend I know from Sunday school told me she had began to love her MIL even more than her own mother! She even hug and kiss her MIL, and never do that with her own mom. I still cannot do that and cannot imagine if I can ever reach that stage. (i'm not a very showy with affection type of person to begin with)

I appreciate the every little things my MIL does for me and my son. But on the other hand, all the affection and love that she showers her grandchildren, can be interpreted as 'spoil market' (if I'm being sarcastic). Like how I read post on a mummies fb group about MIL -- if they don't care, you will feel you wish for some help, if they care/love too much, you will feel overwhelm. 

There is this thought in my head, on why I feel strongly about my MIL behaviour, it could be because I'm actually on the same boat as her! She is the mirror of me. She care too much for people (sounds like me?) and she likes to keep herself busy (yahh when do you see me stop?) and she's willing to give everything to her sons (like wouldn't any mom on this planet?!). 

Just as I always feel like choking up living in the same house with my inlaws, I must breath in. I cannot shout back. I shall not raise my voice (goshh do you know how often I raise my voice against my own parents??!). Women generally is at the disadvantage. Women gotta marry into the husband family and try to adapt into the husband family culture / norm. But do you think I can humble myself to pay so much respect and put up so much patience with my 2 elderly folks who happen to the parents of the guy that I so happen to agree to get married with? When its 10-20 years later, when pil become very old and perhaps need constant care as they age, will I be so big-hearted to be the care-giver?

I grew up ingraining into my head that I must care for my parents with they're very old and couldn't take care of themselves anymore.... but I never ever thought I'd have to do that for someone's else parents?!! What about my own parents? They don't need me to take care of them when they're old?!! I want to continue to be my parents' amazing daughter! 

Yes, I know my pil would prefer living together with me (the 2nd dil) rather than 1st dil. Isn't it unfair?! Well I can't "complain" it this way, cos its a compliment that people like me more. But "being like" has the disadvantage, where people would expect you to do the job. 

I wish I can make an aspiration (heck why not just make THE aspiration right away) -- I WANT TO OWN A CORNER LOT LANDED PROPERTY that comes with a nice garden, so that the house is bigger than my current honeyhut. Perhaps with a bigger space, I can hide out with my son in the other corner without being heard/seen. Its just overwhelming to have 2 or 4 pair of eyes watching or hands to cradle my son. 

Yes I appreciate the elder generation helping and taking care of the younger generation. But to the extend of pampering them?! Why has society changed? I don't remember my grandma spoiling / pampering me the way the new age grandma does!

ISsshhhhh.... the end. Back to work.

To be mummy to baby Ariya Wong Zi Ren

It's not easy to blog about this strenuous unimaginable experience of childbirth, breastfeeding and being a new mummy.

Confinement period is over for now, it was a relief but still I am advised against drinking stuff I like. 

Breast engorgement was awfully painful during the 3rd day after delivery when I got home from hospital. 

Within the first week of breastfeeding, I was emotionally and physically so tired, deprived of sleep, its the worst fatigue. That's when I was with my first confinement lady (she worked for 4 days only). On the following week, I got a 2nd confinement lady (truly lucky of me... my good karma) who insist on mother-must-rest policy, hence I had to keep expressing milk for her to feed ebm for my baby. I was "tango-ing" with my 2nd CL, cause I wish to direct latch more and she wants to bottle feed ebm every time! It's also good that when she feeds baby esp in the middle of the night, I can get to catch up with my deprived sleep....  its like trying to put in practice the 'middle way' (all the Buddhist teachings is really being put to real test). 

The whole experience of confinement and being a new mother is just like attending a Buddhist retreat! Alot of "mind over matter" and being mindful inside me. Not expecting baby to suit mummy's wish, but for me to learn to adapt / adjust / fine-tune / accept baby for being himself! 

Ariya Wong Zi Ren is 6 week old this week.... I'm pretty glad that he manage to sleep till 3am and go back to sleep by himeslf on the cot after feed. It was a breakthrough! 

Mummy's secret wish is for Zi Ren to be able to self-sooth and go to sleep himself after night feed, and learn to sleep through the night soon. 

Caesarean it is - 06.12.12

Yesterday, Dr. Hoo actually wanted me to come see her in the morning (but my schedule was afternoon), her first day back to work after her whole week in Aus. After checking my underneath with her finger, she said "we need to talk..."

Cervix is too inside, cannot even touch or feel, although baby head is already down but cervix is not soft / not dilated very hard to come out! So must induce the very same night... 

Or... opt for Ceasarean, because the induction may have chance to fail and end up with emergency C-sec. Then most likely the final charges will be even higher than just a C-sec. If I were her sister, she would want me to go for C-sec. 

What I wanted to write about is the point where most women would "wish" to experience the labour of pain to deliver their baby. Its like very unfortunate or 'sayang' that I didn't even get to try it for the 1st born. (For my case it could be the only child). Then I think further, why would people want to go through torture and suffer if they have the choice of not having to go through that experience? Am I a coward then that I always choose the easy way out? In most life situation, I make very direct easy straightforward decisions. 

I feel so much relief now knowing when baby will greet the world, when I can relax the day before the C-sec operation and prepare myself mentally and environmentally to welcome the newborn child into our life. When I was on anxious waiting mode, not knowing when baby will come out naturally, or even not knowing if induced-labour will be successful for me or not, or not knowing how long of pain I have to endure after induced.... 

Isn't it obvious - save the drama inside my head - just relax and go for Caesarean operation, get done and over it in 30mins. Then get on with the start of parenthood. There's still alot of things to worry about, like if I'll be able to feed breastmilk successfully, if there will be enough milk for a baby boy. Oh and there's the hosp bill that need to be settled, which fund to sell to cover the high medical cost? 

They say having to experience vaginal birth is like empowerment for a mother.... isn't it like ego-talk that a mother must have that experience to be empowered like a true mother for her child? Sigh... I know I know I won't be able to experience how my own mom experienced the fantastic pain in delivering me vaginally 33 years ago at a gov hosp. But doctors are not like before! No doctor in today's world would risk their license to allow a situation like what my mom experienced -- "baby in distress after 2 long days in first stage labour / use forcep & vacuum to force baby out" 

My mom's labour drama will always be imprinted in my head from very young, and I grew up secretly wishing I would not have to go through THAT! 

The secret.... always becareful what you secretly wish for.... you'll most likely get it! 

The anxious mother-to-be

I'm 40 weeks + 3 days now. Some might say I'm 3 days overdue. Later this afternoon, there will be a check up with my own doctor. She mentioned before she might induce me if I've not given birth by now. 

And this anxious mother-to-be has all this in mind!!! >>

... Most people will suggest that I wait for nature to takes its course and advise against induce. I've read about the longer pain to endure and need to spend longer time waiting at the hospital.

... i was just contemplating, if putting drugs in to induce labour would increase the cost of labour? (even if its vaginal birth), then might as well save the pain / worry to go for elective c-section? 

... im worried if baby decide come out on Sat 8Dec, sayang will be busy helping mom-in-law at chowkit market in the morning, then afternoon both moms busy peel fish. Then on Sun both our moms will be busy preparing asam laksa for a food fair.  I need either mom to help make the red date tea for me to drink and prepare suitable food for me to eat at hosp. 

... if baby don't come out by then, next Monday is 10th Dec, by the time i check out from hospital, ie. 11th or 12th Dec the confinement lady will need to go for her retreat on 11th Dec night. Then i won't get help at all, and scare my in laws will pengsan esp the father who will start complain. 

... stress in me may result in milk not come out easily, and we intend to fully breastfeed, and there's no standby formula milk for baby after delivery. 

its Tuesday, 4-Dec today. If start induce today, it may take 1-2 days later for labour to start, ie. 6-Dec baby could be out! 

~*~ 

here's what i read >> 

The team acknowledged that the best way to deal with a pregnancy lasting beyond 40 weeks had never been clearly established.

Doctors who favor induction argue that waiting longer increases the risk of a Caesarean delivery because the fetus gets too big for a vaginal birth, and they also cite the risk of stillbirth and complications.

Those who favor waiting for labor to begin naturally point to studies showing that induction increases costs of childbirth and the need for Caesarean deliveries when induced labors fail to progress normally.

Almost 40 weeks!

Today is special. Today is the day before 1st Dec, my EDD according to Baby Center :) This whole week my gynae is in Aussie with her husband family, and only be back to see me on 4th Dec. That's like 3 days after my due date... and she might consider to induce me if there's still no sign by then.

This week, I'm under Dr. Arifah... this evening I'll have my weekly pre-natal check with her. Recommended by my gynae Dr. Hoo. Well its all up to the baby... whether he wants to be delivered by Dr. Arifah (this week) or Dr. Hoo (next week).

Today is actually brother-in-law's birthday! And he's also a dragon... if baby decide to come out today, then its so co-incident :P Well baby has his own destiny. Papa wish for December la...

And mama has stopped going to work since the start of this week, occasionally still receive work-related call. I wish office smooth sailing, so that I can be at peace.

Pregnancy is alot about putting in practise your mindfulness and mind-body-at-peace-mode. I shall continue my relaxing mood and not complain about boredom, and just appreciate the doing-nothing-much-at-home.

Lets aspire for a smooth easy & safe natural birthing process.... 

Today at 21weeks + 2 days

Today at my pre-natal checkup, doctor noticed a slight increase at my sugar level. So next month I have to do a glucose test, 8am once and 10am second test, in between have to drink high glucose drink.

Baby size is 380gm now. Doctor asked if I can feel baby movement or kicking, actually im not sure how to tell it. Doctor said its not a big movement, just perhaps some inkling sensation that something is touching my stomach...

I'll try to be mindful throughout the day, to observe these baby movement sensation.

Today I received news from my highschool friend, that her baby (born prematurely at 6mnths+) has ended his life journey. I read the whatsapp msg in office, and of course can cry. But its office, I gotta deal with my vendor and my cllg... lets send farewell wishes to the tiny infant. GuanYin will be taking care of him now...

Today in my life, my mom is going for her 2nd chemo treatment. May my mom be well and happy. May my mom be strong and be at peace with herself.

Today i read a very nice saying from Lao Tzu ~ "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." ~

Other updates in my life... we're getting a car replacement for sayang's old car, with a 2nd hand avanza. Its gonna be fully paid off by cash, no loan. Thanks to my dad who's gonna be 'give' me RM15k without needing me to pay him back. But i say i'll pay him back la.... the reason he's giving me the money, is because the the house will go my brother! Haha.. well that's quite a sensible option, its much less hassle to put your property in 1 name rather than 2 or more names!

Lets continue to count our blessings and pray for less problems...

"im sorry"
"i forgive you"
"i thank you"
"i love you"

How I came out from my mom's vagina

I've heard it many times, again and again, how my mom had severely suffered when trying to deliver me at HKL almost 33 years ago.

There was once my dad narrated the story, that made me want to cry because of how the "good Malay doctor" saved my life. I'm not sure if other baby had only 1 doctor, but I had 2 doctors who had to bring me out to this world.

Today, my mom dramatically described in explicit detail on her most incredible unforgettable memory of delivering me at the government hospital, which would not allow her to go for C-sect, which she pleaded for but to no avail.

If you could hear words like "2-days wait" , "baby in distress", "nurses & 2 doctors frantic around" , "dangle my both legs up in the most uncomfortable position", "vacuum" , "umbilical cord snapped and went back into the womb" , "baby didn't cry and skin purplish" , "incubator" ... you can actually write a very heart-warming nerve-wreaking tear-jerking touching story ;)

The baby was me. In my mother's word "my Karma".

My mom was left there suffering in pain at the hospital bed, and she was powerless, as the staff would not ward her for C-sect. Every 5 minutes, the nurse will check the baby's heartbeat... until at abt 3am ish, on the 3rd morning, when the nurse started pressed the alert / panic "baby in distress" button! Suddenly all the doctors on call and nurses came, like suddenly everyone took notice of my mom who was already in a fatigue state by then, their aim was to save the baby. They raised both my mom's legs on two sticked, with legs wide open, in a very uncomfortable position. Then they tried to push and push and, and the baby wouldn't come out, the baby is already in distress. They're worried that the baby is suffocating inside, and finally about 6am ish, the malay doctor took the vacuum to suck the baby head out... and ALAS the baby is out!!! All throughout my mom was squeezing the doctor so super hard, but the doctor didn't mind and continue to let her pinch the doctor.

But wait...?! the umbilical cord snapped and it went back into my mother's vagina, one doctor kept on pressing his/her hands on my mom's tummy so that the umbilical cord would not get sucked back into her womb. And while pressing and waiting, they had to save the baby first. The baby is not crying! In fact, the skin is pale and purplish. They quickly rush the baby into the incubator, give oxigen mask to the baby, and disturb the baby.

Finally... what karma, the baby finally let out a faint soft cry. The other doctor, quickly rush back to the mother's vagina, with only a hand glove, he/she scooped out the residue of the umbilical cord stuck inside.

The wound were so bad. The skin of the vagina were torn, and when mother asked the doctor, the only word the doctor said was "fantastic!" Doctor had to stitch back my mom's vagina, and put anticeptic on it.

Mother and baby spent 5 more days in hospital before discharge.

This is the beginning of my "fantastic" life!