My husband childhood trauma sharing with Mindful Parenting Grp

It's amazing how the whole long winded post that I wrote in the notepad unsaved, is just 'pooof' gone! Maybe I can attempt to rewrite it shorter and more meaningfully. I remember writing this Chinese phrasing when I look at other couples, 比上不足，比下有余.

Husband Childhood
I'm blessed with my loving & humourous father, who never raise his voice at my mother. He was the 'yes dear' man that any wife could wish for. My mom is the fierce one and very caring towards humans and animals. She cooks dinner after work, and my parents knew what i like to eat etc. 

My husband's paternal grandfather had 2nd wife in KL when he was lorry driver always not around, while his grandmother raise up my fil and his siblings. I heard the grandma spoil the eldest son which is my fil. And my fil talks condescendingly towards his younger sisters, even now at old age. My fil watched porn (allowed his sons to watch porn) and was not into sports and pets at all. While my dad was a sports enthusiast and very pious, brought my mom and me to BMV when I was in my mom's belly. My dad inherited the Quek family Chinese altar, he introduced Buddha image to be placed in the centre. It's hard to find a man who doesn't follow any sports - thats my husband. I used to watch football and badmintin wiht my family, but not with my husband family. 

I heard this story a few times, when my husband was a baby, crying aloud, his father and his maternal grandma argue over something related to my husband, and the grandpa threw the rice pot on the floor. From then my fil forbid his 2 sons to return to their mother side for CNY. My mil family is quite small, during my wedding, my mil side of family took up less than half the table. Needless to say, my Chinese wedding looks like my parents were the main host, cos my side took up more tables. 

I wanted to share that, I grew up never having men raising voice at me. In my work life male bosses were respectful people. But this is different when I married my hot-tempered husband. My fil shouting at my mil is a daily affair eventhough he is already so frail and wearing pampers. My side? Even my parents' brothers are 'obidient' to their wife. It's just very different living with my in law. 

Side joke, my husband's 4th uncle, my fil's only brother often ask me "how ur fil got scold people ha?" i of course reply Gottt needless to say, this nice uncle somehow is different from his obnoxious dailoh. 

School days, my husband didn't have home-cooked food dinner, father who was a teacher tapau and settled their daily routine, while his mother come back late. So I must understand why my mil don't know what my husband like to eat/dont eat. 

Birth of my son
My pil were staying in their Setapak condo when my son was born. Then my mil became my son's caregiver against my wishes. It was my bil idea, he doesn't want his then 63 mom to continue working, it was good strategy for my mil to finally retire, she has no experience in taking care of baby. My bil claimed it was my husband who asked him for help, which my husband never told me and denied. I don't want to argue with my bil anymore. I felt alot of resentment because no one respect my decision as the mother of my child. So that's the start how my mil and gradually my fil moving into my small little hut. The condo is still there not renting out, not selling. My bil family has semi-D in Kota D'sara but now residing Spore with high pay + Filipino maid. 

When we were planning to get married, we didnt really sort out or agree on  major life decisions. He didn't want kid, I want kids. We didn't agree on his parents moving in to stay wiht us, it just happened. I felt like I lost my autonomy and my freedom. Every time when I speak, I have to filter and think before I say, cos my mil mind perspective things very differently from me. I used to be so carefree and happy go lucky person, do what I want, say what I want in my world. 

Resentment
I don't know if my husband feels inferior to his smarter more successful elder bro. His parents are so scared of their eldest son, abang say anything they just listen and no sound. But with us, his parents are in their natural argumentative self. I grew up thinking elderly parents should live with their eldest son, but that's not what happen to my husband. My husband is the much poorer younger son who has to be responsible for his aging parents. 

What's my point? Maybe I shall end here.. i duno where is this going to. I can go on and on about my husband. Bottomline is I'm not sure if this is what they call  the wife emasculate the man. This is not my intention, but I often see myself nagging him still not filing his tax and not being hands-on with the kids (always rely on his mother when I'm busy or out). And its vulnerable for me to say this, but i felt hurt by my husband on few occasion. 

A Psychic Friend

Its 3am of a July 2019, its a week before Sayang's 40th birthday. I don't know if I still have any 'sayang' left inside me to really feel the 'sayang'. Today he threw / flung my car key at my direction, in the presence of his parents, my mom and my kids. This short temper trigger after he went to scold his son (AGAIN) and made him cry unnecessarily while I'm still having my dinner.

Anyway, I don't feel any anger, well maybe for a split second I was berserk, I just couldn't accept the dangerious behavior of throwing things, esp when there is kids around!

So this is my life now at 40. Did I tell you I'm actually looking forward to my 40th birthday? Come this day after my 40th birthday, would be my 10th Wedding Anniversary! Nah the wedding anniversary is really nothing to shout about, with this kind of dysfunctional relationship that I'm having with the guy I married to. But for my 40th birthday, I'm already thinking which restaurant to host the dinner, to have karaoke, to invite my bff, aside from the usual family members. See I look forward to life, to embracing life, to rally for another decade of being a good mother, good hardworking employee of the bank and perhaps inch nearer to my goal of freedom!

Freedom - this will tie back to my post title - the psychic friend. I have a few bff but none can really describe my true self as precisely as this new friend! Well actually he's an old friend that I knew in temple, some 20 years ago. He added me on FB one day after missing for so long, and then we chat on the phone the first time, I remember I was taking the mrt ride home, and he made me cry while sitting in the moving train! He just said things that he intuitively instinctively knew about me. When people tell you the cold hard truth that hit straight into your heart, you know you will feel overwhelmed with emotions, and your tears will roll naturally.

Anyway later on I did introduce him to LT as well, as he's actually pretty damn good in his character and personality analysis of people, he just has this talent, this gift. I met some other people who has this similar mind-reading power they possess. He was going to offer to come to my home, to check the element, and also to help Sayang to improve his business, since the home is where Sayang work and conduct his business. Of course without iota of doubt, Sayang would not agree to meeting this new psychic friend. In fact I've been pretty good at holding back now days, I would usually naturally tell everything that has happened.... but the wise thing to do now, is just following the advise - step by step.

Psychic friend gave me glimmer of hope that my relationship with Sayang will improve, if I trust him, to take it step by step slowly. He promised me that one day, when the condition is right. he will seriously talk to Sayang. I had doubts on how he, more or less a stranger to Sayang, can talk and make Sayang want to listen to him??! Sounds like mission impossible leh! Well he assured me no worries, he will have his way. He did say that Sayang will not listen to anyone except to a monk or higher realm beings, of which I agree! You see phychic friend is not deva yet and is a lay person not a monk, how is he going to get Sayang to truly listen to his counseling?

Well since I always give chance for opportunity and positive possibility, who knows if my psychic friend is right, he will and he can manage to talk to Sayang! I have hope. I must have hope. It is with this hope, that I calm down myself, I forgive myself. I try to talk myself not to steer onto the escape path.

You see, its deep inside my mind that I was (probably still am giving rise to this thought) of walking out of this marriage. Just a matter of time when my kids are much older and are self-sufficient. Anyway, did I tell you the joke that psychic friend told me, that's why he ask me to decide what I want, if I really want to leave or make the relationship work. He said he saw a 3rd party. I ask who me with another guy, or Sayang another girl -- me! I laughed... me 40 year old married with 2 kids still got people want?! Kanasai not bad woh.... ok well in my secret escape plan, I don't intent to live with another guy, I just want what I value the most in my life -- FREEDOM!

I see how sis. Julia live alone after separated from her husband, in her small apartment, not bad what! She still maintain good relationships all her in-laws. She has 2 grown up sons, she assured me 'dragon' child is very smart... that she told me when I was pregnant with Ariya, my water dragon boy! I believe he is smart, he has obvious dyslexia symptoms but, I read about dyslexia child, they are all smart people! So what for the father keep getting all hot-tempered and make the young child cry so often?! I want my children to grow up in a happy environment, to learn to be respectful, independent, kind and loving. Even if the child ends up last in class - soooo what?! In a matter of years he will be in secondary school where the syllabus will be somehow 'easier' (to me lah I think).

Did I tell you, the most assuring thing Psychic friend told me, is that I have the 'protective' element in me for my children. That's why he advocate co-sleeping with kids and to bring kids along for travels. I raised my concern about how its expensive to bring my kids along to travel with me, esp if I want to go somewhere far... he said money can always find back, my kids will always be protected when they with me. Awww.... again I feel like crying hearing this. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I LOVE MY KIDS. Obviously its natural thing for me to combine both travel + kids together? See my mom is always against travelling with kids, well that's for her not me! I'm me, not only it feels right for me to bring my kids along, my kids will be safe and protected when they are with me. Some friends, I know they can leave their kids behind when they travel with their husband... I can't.

I have good elements in my life, I know I'm doing quite OK in my career and my kids are growing just fine. I can't say the same for my husband.... actually I really don't mind if he's not earning alot of money. In this modern society, we know that many wives earn more than their husband. It's normal, its OK. I can see that some men, don't take it too well. Like what Psychic friend say, men ah... their ego is VERY high wan! They dunno how difficult it is to give birth, to carry baby for 9 months, to breastfeed... all looks easy for men. That's why women's brain is wired to be so resilient, so strong, so brave, so sacrificial (like my mil). Well its really hard to find a real men who can really understand and appreciate the women in their lives, so much so that they will lower down their ego... you know like my dad type?! :)))) I really respect my dad. My mom is soooo difficult to tahan, but he can tahan. So now my dad cannot walk already, my mom will stay back and serve him everyday of the week, of the year... I don't know if I have the good karma like my parents to have each other even in their old age. I don't want that type of elderly couple, who don't really care for each other but still living together for fear of being alone. Maybe its scary to die to alone... but its okay i supposed.... with my good karma, insyallah.

OK its 4am now, lotsa of crying writing this piece. At least I pen down this chapter, as I embrace my transition into my club-40, I hope my Sayang don't jealous of me, I hope he can have Mudita for me, as I try to learn to have Metta and Karuna for him. The Upekkha is for his parents, whom I can't change.

Psychic friend... if you can read this, remember what you promised me ya! I told him that even if he failed to talk to Sayang, and if Sayang also don't listen to him. I'll be contented that at least Psychic friend tried or have the intention to help him. I already 'mou nang wai lik' to help this impossible husband of mine. Psychic friend reminded me why I married him in the first place, he put it in such words that is actually true, truer than what I thought. Well I thought I married Sayang because you know age is catching up, and nobody else would want me, and my parents or society pressure would somehow make me marry him. Well he said, I married Sayang because he's not too bad, he is OKay lah... you know i was a very simple happy go lucky person! You always hear 'chinchai' la coming out from my mouth.

Lets try to wrap this up, before i get puffy eyes in 3 hours time when I get ready for work. That is another story, but nothing so worthy for me to pen down about my work.

My parents vs my pil

The difference btwn growing up with my parents vs growing up with my hubby’s parents.

My dad will not interfere I shouldn’t buy for my boy.

My fil told me next time don’t buy xxx because yyy.

My parents are fine with having baby girl, not necessary must have boy.

My fil would always prefer having baby boy, and better still if 1^st and 2^nd child are boys.

My parents will always have a daughter to always care and think about them, and always discuss things with them.

My in-laws and their sons doesn’t reveal everything to each other, got things to hide.

My parents will openly ask me and my bro for money if they need money.

My in-laws don’t share info about money.

My parents own quite a big house, and my bro and his family can live together with my parents for a really long time.

My in-laws own a very small house, and they’ve now moved in to 2^nd/youngest son house which is quite small, no plan to talk about where they’ll live in their later years.

My mom will never claim that she is good cook nor proclaim to people she can x or y very well.

My mil will happily let everybody know she’s great cook in x-dish and always invite everyone to come to eat.

On the similar note…

My parents never people tell people how good their own children are (they know it in their hearts).

My pil will not be shy to let people know how good their 2 sons are.

Honestly I know I’m struggling mentally and emotionally to cope with living together in the same house with worlds-apart pil.

I can see that my brother’s wife is having an easier life living with my parents, she can shoot my dad just like how I can shoot my dad.

With my in-laws, I can’t shoot. All I can do is keep quiet on anything that I don’t like. And just continue to keep bottling up.

My mom can sense it when her dil is unhappy, my mom can adjust accordingly.

My mil doesn’t seems to sense it that I’m unhappy about certain things, and will continue to do her way.

And I can’t really get my husband side me, he is a strange species, who has zero ‘N’ (in MBTI).

When I got married, I certainly didn’t anticipate what life would be living together (now seems permanent) with my in-laws. Maybe it could work out well for some of people, but for me, the meijoon-ised person that I am – find it really NOT what I’m game for.

If only I could turn back time, to pre-delivery of my baby, that I be firm on my plan for babysitter instead of mil moving in.

But I know its for the best for my baby, to grow up with having overwhelming grand-parental love.

Or is it really THAT good for my child? To be overwhelmed from young, to be over loved from birth, to be treated like a prince or emperor of the universe, and to be able to get away with anything just by crying?!