I'm sorry... I forgive you....

I'm so stressed out that I lashed it out at an innocent aunty who has caught me at the wrong time when i was most busy.

When the mind and body is not in sync, raw emotions can be difficult to be controlled. It's the beginning of the new year 2011 and I'm caught in this stressful never-ending infra support job. I feel like I need to take a break, but I just came back from a Buddhist pilgrimage just last month & that should be enough of a soul-cleasing spree...

There's just too much over-spilling calls and job responsibilities to follow up and to do. I don't see myself staying back LATE to "finish" the work because I will not have any energy left by 7pm when almost everyone has left the office. It's impossible for me to imagine how people can work through the night, or don't sleep for the whole week because of "month end" or "closing" or "project". Maybe the energy that these people drained on is periodical and not constant like in my line of daily-non-stop support job.

I don't wish to say bad things abt this uncle sitting infront of me in office, nor i wish to whine about a similar-annoying-aunty in the Buddhist circle who agitated me today. Somehow I must admit that people like them really get on my nerves so much, its hard to explain why! A friend once said "because you attract weird / strange people". Can this be true? How true is this? How can I get away from associating with them? They're not negative, they don't have ill-will. They're just plain painstakingly annoying and repetitive!

For the same thing that he can ask me to do, he can repeat it 100 times until you've done it. Why not ask other people to do? Cos other people don't sit next to him and worst still don't have the skillset to help him. It's just my somewhat-lousy-boss say "if I know you're good, then I'll let you do more things eventhough I know you already have 10 things on your plate!"

"Some people cannot even do 1 thing, so don't even bother give them do another thing".

....

My sayang certainly disagree with this theory. It works in my IT support line of job... similar to my volunteer work at Buddhist societies, just because you can do it - YOU DO LAH! If not who else to do?!

People can easily say "I don't know how to do la, please help me". Full stop.

Yadayada and all sort of nonsense life-balancing stunt. Oh ya you say its NOT nonsense, and its a birth right to reject and say NO to people asking for help... try being me, in my shoe and when helpdesk agent (with continous non-stop incoming calls) escalate an issue to you, and you reply "I don't know how lah, you solve it yourself lah!"

Its very easy to say "I DONT KNOW LAH"

Butttt... it takes alot alot alot of me to say that.... esp when you know the answer , or you know the way/method that could help the help-seeker. The more you know, the more people want you to help and naturally the more you want to help, perhaps solve a problem faster or in a more efficient way.

Help-seeker will not even bother to try to ask the other person in your same team, who either pretend don't know or really sorry-to-say don't know how to help. Its like a pathetic samsara life cycle or the 'Dependent Origination' where the first cause is "ignorance"... just START with "I Dont Know" and you'll NOT have to go through the whole pointless meaningless endless cycle of suffering.

Is it my ego, that makes me afraid of telling people "I Dont Know lah" fullstop?

My family wants to have a family gathering - call me to arrange for the accomodation.
Helpdesk agents want to solve a problem fast and instantly - call me to fix it.
Annoying aunty want me to send early notice to BGF egroup - call me & sms me to do it x2.
Annoying uncle at work want me to help him remotely upgrade his AS400 software on 3000 over PC bankwide - call me because im the admin for the software deployment system
My uncle want to sell his jackrusell puppies - call me take photo for him & sell on internet
Another uncle want to sell his terrior puppies - call me to teach him how to blog
Mentally handicap girl gets bored at home nothing to do - call me ask when am I taking her out
Sunday school teacher couldn't find a photographer for an event - call me to become photographer

If in one day of my life, there is NO request at all... would I still survive?

What if I tell my uncles - "I don't know how to take photo lah!"
What if I tell mentally handicap girl - "I don't want to take you out lah!"
What if I tell sunday school teacher - "I can't help you lah!"
What if I tell BGF - "I don't want to be secretary or administrator anymore!"
What if I tell BISDS - "I don't want to do anything la!"
What if I tell my aunty - "I don't care about family outing, you all go without me la!"

... can I? can I? or will I?

I just had a revelation about "truly letting go". How do you let go? Do you let go the mess that you've inherited because you cannot take it anymore and pass on to whoever to take over from scratch / clean the shit? Or do you continue to persevere and try to do a proper handover / knowledge transfer / assign & delegate / find a willing successor / train your replacement... before you "truly let go"?

my so-called buddhist life

i've been asked to write an article abt 1000-1500words for the ybam-spa abt my involvement / experience in the buddhist community work, esp being in the committee of bgf. here's how's im going to write...
~*~
I am a 'ENTP'; my temperament is choleric-sanguine; I wear a 'white-hat' mostly. What does it mean to you? I learnt to understand myself and to be able to describe myself easily through my years in organising Dhamma youth camps alongside other like-minded youths. It is through getting involved with so many Buddhist activities that I learnt valuable softskills and management skills that I'll probably not receive through formal education.

Let me share a little of my background. I often tell people that I'm born into a Buddhist family, I didn't have to think or choose my religion, my parents brought me along Wesak Day procession even when I was just a toddler being pushed in the pram. I was sent to the Buddhist Institute Sunday Dhamma School (BISDS) in Brickfields since when I was 10 together with my younger brother. Dhamma teachings was ingrained into my head since then, partly I had to sit for Buddhist exams and of course I enjoyed learning / discovering whatever the teachers would teach. I felt truly blessed and proud that since as a kid, I was being indoctrinated to practise the Five Precepts in my daily life, to observe the causes and effects, to witness happiness and sadness of people around me. Perhaps this Buddhist upbringing has made me more 'white-hat' (according to Alex Tan shared with me about what Edward de Bono's Six Thinking Hats).

The fact is that I went to the English-medium Dhamma class although I'm went Chinese educated. Being in my shoe, I'm able to make friends with fellow Buddhists who are either Chinese speaking or English speaking. Coming from urban city life, I was oblivious of the divide in the whole country until I went to University Putra Malaysia, a public university. From there I observed majority of the Chinese don't speak English like me, since I can't speak proper Malay so its hard for me to make friends with the Malay and there were very few Indians. Since I'm politics-savvy, I do feel like my country is quite a... like 'rojak'.

With regards to getting involved in Buddhist society / activities at University, I often imagine how nice if I can make the Chinese-speaking to be fluent in English, and vice-versa. How is THAT possible? Some people said it's impossible. Being the 'ENTP' that I am, nothing is impossible. I knew its will take many years perhaps few decades to re-strategy the policies in this country, I don't claim to know the answer but believe in the possibility that some day when people don't identify themselves as race first but as Malaysian first, then perhaps there'll be a viable solution.

I was introduced to the 13th INCOVAR Dhamma Camp when I was in my 1st/2nd year at varsity by my fellow Sunday School friend Philip Yeo. It was a relieved for me that I could actually join a Buddhist camp that I could fit in! It's unfortunate that I didn't master written-Chinese language well enough, and I could only understand 60% a Dhamma talk in Mandarin. In my own perception, on one side I found out about YBAM camps / training programme which catered for undergraduates from all varsities, and on the other side there's INCOVAR camps organised under the Buddhist Gem Fellowship (BGF). To me, the underlying objectives, nature of activities and target audience might be overlapping, wouldn't it be great to tap on and build on the overlapping resources?

Through joining as participants in the INCOVAR camps, I was self-motivated to be a facilitator and thereafter became very active camp committee. The experience I had of being involved with fellow Kalyana-Mitras in planning, organising and executing INCOVAR-style programme, is something unforgettable and memorable. Suffice to say, it builds a person character and calibre. Not through my formal education that I learn to understand deeper about oneself, or realising one's strength and weaknesses. But from breathing the core INCOVAR values of
- value Individual Expression
- treasure Unity in Diversity
- nurture a Family in the Dharma
that I am who I am.

Vital management skills and softskills that I learnt include knowing how to do SWOT analysis in getting feedback, applying the 'SMITH' methodology in planning, how to facilitate a brainstorming session, draw a mindmap, how to do sharing of merits, how to be an MC to introduce a speaker... the list goes on.

One of the most prominent knowledge or skill that I appreciate most is understanding personality types and temperaments. How to be tactful, effective and productive when working with people of different personality-types in a same team? This is where I learn about the MBTI, the Four Temperaments and various learning styles. It was particularly useful, in the workplace, when I have trouble seeing eye-to-eye with my boss, how then to relate to or comprehend my boss?

Experience gained through being involved in INCOVAR has consciously and subconsciously helped me in my professional workplace and even now being in the Exco in BGF. One aspect that I value in BGF is the non-sectarian approach. Coming from a Theravada upbringing, its inspiring to find myself being exposed to other Buddhist culture and learning from an international array of Dhamma teachers. It's heartening to note that, there is quite a pool of corporate / talented professionals who happens to be a Buddhist or member of BGF. Perhaps the future of BGF lies in the hands of the graduates from INCOVAR?

On a personal note, did I stop and think why should I volunteer my service to the Buddhist community? Perhaps its the conditioning of my way of life, since young I had to go to temple every Sunday. It's not a normal Sunday if I didn't go to temple, either to teach or to run around organising things or attending meetings. It's for me to reciprocate the Dhamma lessons that I've been taught by the volunteer teachers in Sunday School, I aspired to be a Sunday school staff once I've finished school. With the intention to give service / being a volunteer, I had no qualms in offering my service to another Buddhist organisation which is infact located very near to my house.

Of course I have to be mindful of not let conditionings make me complacent in my effort to continue to learn, to practise and to understand the Dhamma. My life has been rather interesting, somewhere in my past life I must be a Buddhist, as I vow that in my future life I may continue the journey to be in touch with the Dhamma.

Hello from Halong Bay

We're waiting for the Paradise Cruise 1 to set a sail to the sea... the lounge own by the company www.paradisecruises.org.

This is only the 2nd day of my trip to Hanoi-Halong Bay. My trip encounter so far has been nothing less than traffic chaos, unwell body and bizarre experience. I kept thinking of sayang, if he could survive this one day driving around the Old Quarter of Hanoi together with the amazing guy Meng Hoe and his driver.

I saw a couple of brown robe monk, probably from plum village. Since I've encountered with the peace and tranquility of Thich Nhat Hant during his recent visit to Malaysia... now being in Vietnam where TNH were supposed to be in exiled from, can't help but to compare how would any Zen practitioner live calmly & meditate amidst this chaos?

If a person can still remain calm and mindful inspite of surrounded by all the traffic madness and chaotic livestyle, isn't this person practising a higher level of mindfulness meditation? As compared to the Zen followers who can naturally practise mindfulness/meditation amidst quiet and tranquil surrounding, ie. Plum Village in France.

Amidst the surrounding chaos, is the mind being trapped in the chaos struggling to break free? Or inspite of the traffic turmoil, one can still mentally be free and smile with the people scootering or steering behind the wheel?

I had the experience of sitting on a scooter without a helmet, moving around from small lanes to the freeway... seeing and experiencing the way humans, motorbikes and cars wld crisscross each other "mindfully". Vehicles wld stop or swerve / turn to avoid collision. If a bike were to kiss a car, its OK. No need to fret about it. No smile. Just move on... people are so immune.... indifferent. Its even a culture for them to consume dog meat! How bizarre is that? To them is nothing.

Sitting on a small stool by the roadside eating noodle is nothing. Eating the same noodle everyday with the same taste is nothing. Simply crossing the road without regards to oncoming cars is nothing.

Maybe its the long history of war and suffering that befallen them? I wish and try to enjoy my first Vietnam trip, but the soullessness and indifferent attitute of Vietnam, is forcing me to activate my Upekkha.

Will there be complete freedom onboard the cruise on Halong Bay?

Desperate attempt to write about Dependent Origination

It is a big challenge for me to "write" a given topic with word limitations and guidelines to follow. I can write a blog post easily without having to crack my brain too much, and knowing that I can freely write with the style that I'm at home with.

But not with an essay focusing on just one complex Buddhist concept of "Dependent Origination", I feel that it's a grey area where plagiarism and original idea is concerned. I can't write my own idea, because I'm supposed to talk about a process which is what it is. How different can I describe a process, taught by the Buddha in any other words? It is like a matter of testing my effort in using 'thesaurus' to replace one word with another word of the same meaning.

What's the point?!

So finally how did I manage to hatch the essay due in 24 hours? It's best when I write with my own style, relating to what I can remember with regards to this rare topic in my years of encounter with Buddhism. And since there's no way to run from describing the process (as what it is), copy-and-paste sets in. *appreciate technology*

This is my 900+ words essay that took me almost 5 hours to complete! >>

I first heard of the concept of Dependent Origination as student at the Buddhist Institute Sunday Dhamma School. It was literally mind-blowing to me when the teacher explained about the inter-connected links of causality which affects everything; I was visualizing atoms and molecules, and trying to relate it with the Big Bang theory.

It is this fascination about this complex Buddhist concept that inspired me to take up this course, which covers this interesting subject in the syllabus.

Thus have I heard, the heart of Buddha’s teaching is the Dependent Origination or Paticca-samuppada in Pali. As I search through the Internet, not only in Theravada school of teaching that we learn about Dependent Origination, in fact it is the core teachings in all schools of Buddhism. In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a vivid illustration of the ‘Wheel of Life’ which symbolically illustrate the ‘twelve links’.

The term ‘twelve links’ can be synonym to the term Dependent Origination, which explain the chain of cause/condition that lead to other causes/conditions. The links form a circle like the Samsara circle of life.

It is mind-opening to learn from Thich Nhat Hant, who coined the term “Interbeing” where this Dependent Origination can be rationalized as the mutual interdependence of human relationships, ie. people with people or people with nature.

The gist of the whole process is described as follows :-
With Ignorance (Avijja) as condition, Volitional Formations (Sankhara) arise.
With Volitional Formations as condition, Rebirth-Consciousness (Viññana) arises.
With Consciousness as condition, Name and Form (Nama-rupa) arise.
With Name & Form as condition, Six-Senses (Salayatana) arise.
With Six-Senses as condition, Contact (Phassa) arises
With Contact as condition, Feeling (Vedana) arises
With Feeling as condition, Craving (Tanha) arises
With Craving as condition, Clinging (Upadana) arises
With Clinging as condition, Becoming (Bhava) arises
With Becoming as a condition, Birth (Jati) arises
With Birth as condition, Aging and Dying (Jara-marana) arise.

Firstly, Ignorance clouds all right understanding. Like in corporate conscious competence theory, ignorance is like the first stage of unconscious incompetence – you don’t know that you don’t know the Noble Truths.

Dependent on ignorance, give rise to Volitional Formations, or conditioned things. An action whether good or bad rooted in ignorance which must necessarily have their due results. Dependent on volitional formations will create Rebirth-Consciousness which links the past with the present.

Simultaneous with the arising of rebirth-consciousness there come into being Mind and Body. The Six Senses are the naturally consequences of the mind and body. Contact sets in because of meeting with an object before leading to Feeling.

When feelings arise, Craving and then Clinging is produced. Ultimately, craving is the second Noble Truth - the cause of Dukkha. And more craving eventually leads to clinging or attachment. This clinging in turn, conditions future birth or Becoming. Naturally, when Birth takes place, so is the inevitable cause of Aging and Dying.

These twelve links can be expressed in reversed order.

Without birth there is no death. One conditions the other in a mutually dependent relationship. Our becoming in the world naturally is conditioned by the clinging to ideas and objects. This attachment and clinging in turn cannot exist without desire or craving as its condition. Craving comes into being because there is sensation in the body which we experience as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. When we crave something, it is the sensation induced by contact with the desired object that we crave rather than the object itself. Sensation is caused by contact with such objects of the senses. The contact or impression made upon the senses is itself dependent upon the six sense which themselves are dependent upon the psychophysical entity that a human being is.

Clearly, this natural cycle as discovered by the Buddha is just like laws of physics, they are universal and applicable everywhere. We do not just believe in the creator of the universe.

A very profound philosophy of the Dependent Origination may be read as such,
“When this is, that is.This arising, that arises.When this is not, that is not.This ceasing, that ceases.” - Samyutta Nikaya 12.61

The Four Noble Truths which is closely associated with the Dependent Origination teach us that release from the cycle of Samsara is possible. In the resolution of ignorance, volitional formations, craving and clinging there is liberation of birth, death and the attainment of Nirvana (third Noble Truth).

The purpose of learning and understanding the heart of Buddha’s teaching is meant for self awakening and not merely for knowledge sake. I have come to realize that we need to practice mindfulness in our everyday lives especially being mindful of the “feeling”, and watch if the “feeling” give rise to “craving”. This simple yet profound exercise can be practiced at work, at home or anytime especially when in contact with people. With this spiritual peaceful mindset, it is no wonder that Buddhists are found to be happy people.

With this mindfulness cultivation, I appreciate the conditions that allowed me to be in touch with the concept of Interbeing, and the science and art of the Dependent Originations.

The teacher who first taught this subject to me when I was just a wondering teenager is the same teacher who is teaching this course now -- Bro. Ananda Fong. Talk about Interbeing or metaphysic of volitions?

to be happy or not to be happy for her? and why not?

i hope when i blog about people, nobody will read my blog. who do i wanna blog about now? just a girl who lived an extraordinary life than mine. so why am i so narrow-minded, not feeling excited to receive her with my open arms and don't feel genuinely happy for her as she return to her home country?

she reminded me of this feeling i had with my estranged best-friend many years ago. the love-hate type of feeling, the feeling is not a happy one. its like i don't truly feel happy for them, and i find it hard to understand why i have this feeling.

so i ask myself is it because of i feel envy? you know they're supposed to be your friend, and you're supposed to be happy for your friend whatever mega-life-changing decision your friend may choose. deep down inside me, i'm not 100% truly happy for them, and i wonder why.

say if i meet her, what do i say? "hey you're back! i'm so happy for you!"
or "hey you're back! i'm not exactly happy for you!"

maybe i could just keep to myself and don't bother speaking up my mind, continue resort to my wonderment.

maybe its the envy feeling, but i thought i believed i have a bigger heart than to let envy drawn out my metta/karuna/mudita/upekkha. maybe its my ego, i think my way of thinking is better/holier than thou, thus feeling more sorry than happy for people. maybe time will tell if they are indeed truly happy with their drastic life choices, happy from what people can see outside & yet gratified inside.

when time has proven that their mind-boggling life-changing decision is indeed the wise path... then its for theirs to keep. not for me to question. i shall just try to be kind with my words for now.

My update thus far...

Actually who needs a blog for update when there's facebook?!
Well here's some points to note:
- i've not got my wedding photo album printed
- i've yet to compile articles for the sun sch newsletter target to be out during Wesak
- i've got photos inside my laptop but havent publish it on facebook!
- i'm getting more involved in my systems support work, that i can feel "tired" now, just like how my fellow male cllg would usually complain abt, after having to standby for 24/7 support for the whole month.
- i'm supposed to be successful with my work life (based on my birthdate calculation dohh!)
- i'm pretty screwed with trying to SHS
- i have put in effort not retaliate / argue with my sayang, although i think he doesn't answer my questions comprehensively
- i wish my investment in pound sterling will be a good choice (since i joined the gang not to invest in UT but in currency!)
- i wish i can take sharper & better pictures!
- some of my friends have given birth to babies this year so far : leeleng (girl), yeeting (girl), shireen (girl), aichin (girl), jinsong (boy)... and still in the tummy got szeying..
- looking forward to weddings : muihan & weesim in June, pevin & ernhuei in June, aaron & jo in Nov.
- looking forward to WBC with TNH the star in Sep.
- looking forward to any bugz members to start have their own offspring!
- hope that sayang will get his avanza soon!!
- enjoy learning how to cook with my new oven & new kitchen :)
- have enough wisdom & motivation to serve the better good of the people/community
- have enough savings to go on holidays!!! :D

ohhh i miss my tranquil, warm and care-free trip to Bali!!!

what have i gotten myself into?

[warning, please do not read further if you think my post is talking about you]

What have I gotten myself into? Do I have the patience, enough kindness and wisdom to go through this with a mentally unsound person? There’s no point talking to her, everything you say will be taken against you.

Dr. P have already advised me to make appointment with him at the hospital, and its better if I accompany her to go...

[this post abruptly ended].

my posting on chor-4 of CNY2010 from office...

The tradition has been broke for this Chinese New Year. It's the first time that I'm not with my parents for reunion dinner. And because ah-joon is not around this year, the Quek family has broken the 30-year-old tradition of the 3 Quek brothers (and their family) coming together for reunion dinner. The 3 brothers had their respective dinner with their own family... my dad who refuse to go out to eat, insisted on eating at home with the presence of the ancestor altar. It must be very private with just my parents and my bro at home. While I was at my chinese wedding venue - the same Tai Thong restaurant with 2 Wong brothers (and their family).

On the first day of CNY, my ah-soh actually swept and mopped the floor when I was out of the house for about an hour. I returned to my parents to pai-nian and just to be home. My new home will never be the same as my parents home where I grew up in. There's alot of cleaning and wiping dry the plates after every meal. At my new home, there's always a place for everything, ie. the mop cannot be in the toilet but only at the store room. The dry food stuff should be inside a basket which is kept inside the tall cupboard.

Of course why should I complain, in my new home there are new practices which are good practices. I should learn to take it in stride whatever that don't match my old habit / pattern. The truth of life is everything changes, little by little.

I must learn to keep and maintain my own jewellery box. I need to be patient with my new front loading washing machine. I must not react whenever I hear something ridiculous from my f-i-l. Oh well the list goes on... even for being in a husband-wife relationship... there's so much giving and forgiving that I need to adhere to if not, even for the silliest of reason, there could be war.

There is nothing really larger-than-life to blog about, perhaps the uncertainty of death itself would serve as a reminder to me to count my blessings. I attended 2 funeral wake service in this CNY itself... what a great way to start the Tiger year. Perhaps the witnessing of guan-yin-niang-niang manisfesting into the body of er-jie is a big deal... but the deep poetic advice from niang-niang stem from teachings of the Buddha --> Dhamma. I could feel the sincerity of niang-niang sincerity and earnestness in trying to help the people to practise the Dhamma, my tears fell when she bid her farewell to the audience and left from er-jie's body with a few big burps.

The lessons I must not forget to reap the blessings of the wealth deity & goddess of mercy:-
1. living with family in harmony / filial peity / respect your siblings
2. smile often to the people around you
3. be charitable to those who are needy

Niang-niang advised that for whatever I truly aspire for, our wish will be granted provided we are sincere and work hard towards our aspiration. This is like the exact 'secret' that we are all well aware off. Hey perhaps if I wrote a book about "what niang niang said" it could be a best-seller too!

This year.... I don't really have a big wish for my career, I'm happy for who I am and where I am, perhaps I'll just continue to lend my support to my team and thus support the systems which support the bank. The only major wish that is more like my mission my travel plans, ie. mission to Hanoi in Oct 2010, mission to Bangkok in Nov 2010, mission to Shanghai in 2011 and mission to Europe in spring 2012. All this will need money of course...

No I will try as much as I can not to touch on the surplus money that we received from our wedding dinner angpows. We're going to put it aside, set up joint account and invest the money. Sayang will need to change his old proton with an MPV for his floral biz. There is no plan for baby and not until I've accomplished all my travel missions.

Life goes on as usual after the wedding and after CNY as an ang-pow giving aunty. I wish for the world for everyone and I wish everything for the world. May all be well and happy.

Time is running... *panting*

Time is running. Time is running so fast that I can hardly catch my breath. I shouldn't be blogging from office, I'm juggling this post btwn responding to outlook, catching up with ctx alert, cleaning up the server monitoring agent spam, sudden ad hoc request to install another agent, answering phonecalls from helpdesk who need further support, listening to my fellow cllg sitting beside me 'san-meng', responding to sms, checking facebook...

End-user support work life now doesn't seem as stressful as previous vendor-support life, with no sla and much more cooperative colleagues. So far I've only encountered one nasty user who freaked me out so much (reminiscence of ex big SG cilipadi boss set in), compared to before where nasty bitchy users were everywhere.

I'm guilty for not posting anything about my Bangkok Kathina trip in October 2009, it was such a good trip... that I could still remember a few points that I wanted to blog about - Mudita. Besides that, I remembered I felt a sense of calmness and peace at most of the monasteries that we visited, like going for a spirit cleansing spree! We meet lotsa good people, we stayed at Pong's hse for a night (myee's uni friend when he studied in aussie).. we had dinner with Denphong & his wife... I was drenched soaking wet when I dashed in the rain from Platinum plaza back to Central Plaza... good thing I bought 3 blouses at Platinum, that I walked straight into Isetan's toilet and changed my top (my pants was still wet)... and i still didn't fall sick after that. We bought some souvenirs from the Gift Trade Fair for our new house.. good thing they accepted creditcard :P there were some really nice cute cool little stuff that I wish I'd more hands to buy back so that I could wrap it as x'mas gift during this time of the year.. (now i have not much choices but to go to sogo during lunch time). It was my 3rd trip to Bangkok and yet we're contemplating to go for Kathina in Thailand again next October! Well this time must bring our parents along.

Other than Bangkok... I'd book for myself promo-fare to Hanoi @Vietnam inconjuction with her 1000th anniversary! Ooohh before I dream too far ahead... I have a honeymoon trip to Bali @Indonesia! If only relationship with a life-partner is as smooth-sailing as fantasy.... then I wouldn't have any valuable lessons to learn in this life journey pursuit.

As the wedding date draw near, I'll tell myself to let go... to let go of expectation of things and events that I've envisioned before. To let it go if things didn't turn out like what I'd expected it to be. I can tell that I won't be able to be in the zone... you know how I would not be embracing the moment if I were to expect for what's next...

Surprises doesn't surprise me. I live in a world of knowing and expecting what's gonna happen next. Life is kinda predictable this manner. I'm being labelled as 'indifferent' and its not to be mistaken for 'upekkha'. I'm planning for my penpal 2-weeks visit in Malaysia... I'm planning for x'mas gathering at my new house and test use my virgin oven... I'm planning for friends to stay at my new house during the m&m wedding... I'm going to print my own wedding photoalbum... I'm doing my own wedding slideshow... to add to the expectation, my other half insisted on designing and printing own invitation cards... he even wanted to have his own wedding favor container / box.. my mom wanted to make her own fruit cake as wedding favors for guests...

On top of all these expectation to commit with, im expected to get the bgf communication plan for 2010 up and running. Continue where we left for the membership system thingy. And I got voted in as exco at my sunday school for publication dpt... aiya.. so what am I trying to san-meng now?!

Just live and let live... hope that my missing hsbc cc will reappear infront of me.. i malas to cancel it cos all my insurance autodebit is under that account... hope that i can still get thinner come my wedding... hope i'll continue be blessed with happiness, understanding mind, big heart, good health and good family members to walk this journey of life with.

Deciding the bridal gown... urrggghh...

This is very wuliow, I'm not sure if anyone else is like me, as I didn't sign up for any bridal house packages, so I have the priviledge to go round all the bridal houses to try on their range of gown. I can choose to rent or to buy. There's so many different style and design. There's different type of materials too, ie. silk, chiffon, lace. There's broad V-neck, or deep V, or bare-shoulder, or spaghetti strap, or halter-neck. There's long train, medium train or short-train. There's A-line, small-A, cancan look.
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DECIDE?!?! I know I'm looking for empire cut, A-line or small-A, with medium train and I like lace. But those blink-blink is nice on me too! I say I like "simple" but some simple can be too simple for my nyak-nyak-joong meijoonised personality.
What do you think?!

i) Lace, small-A?
ii) left - simple / right - halter neck

iii)