Beginning anew with ourselves

Really thank you to sis. May for all the time, effort and energy to help this small group of like minded parents. In recent Mindful Parenting session, we learn about watering the flower in us, or beginning anew ourselves.

It has the similar lessons that i learnt through bhante Kumara retreat, right view, right attitute in our daily awareness cultivation.

I have been sleeping with my kids, not with my husband for many months now and i have lost count, and i feel like i am slowly letting go. Is this letting go a punishment to myself or to my husband? I am slowly trying to truly internalize this amazing interbeing soul searching awareness mindfulness teachings, to look deep into our consciousness and subconsciousness... To bring about healing to the hurt that we felt. 

I used to feel like revenge, wanting to see how long my silent treatment would last. Often the wondering thoughts of leaving this household to live alone by myself in my cozy little space or leave for another faraway country to live a new life. 

I'm smiling as i am typing this, perhaps i have partially realised it, what my Dhamma teachers are guiding me, to free myself from own suffering, thus freeing the other person, forgive the other person. Am i condoning his act of violence or abuse? The question to ask, am o freeing myself from the grudges and mental torture that I have egotistically cling on to the perspective i am better or i deserved better treatment. 

The Buddha must be the ultimate guide, he who is the smartest, most brilliant of minds, who excelled in all discipline, who also practise lotsa love and compassionate, so why if Buddha is an embodiment of being the best yet the most humble and well respected by all class of humans, animals and devas. 

I am slowly and surely getting it. I shout out to the universe, i want to gain enlightenment in the shortest life cycles that i shall be subjected to, with wisdom and kindfulness, to all beings starting with myself. 

My husband childhood trauma sharing with Mindful Parenting Grp

It's amazing how the whole long winded post that I wrote in the notepad unsaved, is just 'pooof' gone! Maybe I can attempt to rewrite it shorter and more meaningfully. I remember writing this Chinese phrasing when I look at other couples, 比上不足，比下有余.

Husband Childhood
I'm blessed with my loving & humourous father, who never raise his voice at my mother. He was the 'yes dear' man that any wife could wish for. My mom is the fierce one and very caring towards humans and animals. She cooks dinner after work, and my parents knew what i like to eat etc. 

My husband's paternal grandfather had 2nd wife in KL when he was lorry driver always not around, while his grandmother raise up my fil and his siblings. I heard the grandma spoil the eldest son which is my fil. And my fil talks condescendingly towards his younger sisters, even now at old age. My fil watched porn (allowed his sons to watch porn) and was not into sports and pets at all. While my dad was a sports enthusiast and very pious, brought my mom and me to BMV when I was in my mom's belly. My dad inherited the Quek family Chinese altar, he introduced Buddha image to be placed in the centre. It's hard to find a man who doesn't follow any sports - thats my husband. I used to watch football and badmintin wiht my family, but not with my husband family. 

I heard this story a few times, when my husband was a baby, crying aloud, his father and his maternal grandma argue over something related to my husband, and the grandpa threw the rice pot on the floor. From then my fil forbid his 2 sons to return to their mother side for CNY. My mil family is quite small, during my wedding, my mil side of family took up less than half the table. Needless to say, my Chinese wedding looks like my parents were the main host, cos my side took up more tables. 

I wanted to share that, I grew up never having men raising voice at me. In my work life male bosses were respectful people. But this is different when I married my hot-tempered husband. My fil shouting at my mil is a daily affair eventhough he is already so frail and wearing pampers. My side? Even my parents' brothers are 'obidient' to their wife. It's just very different living with my in law. 

Side joke, my husband's 4th uncle, my fil's only brother often ask me "how ur fil got scold people ha?" i of course reply Gottt needless to say, this nice uncle somehow is different from his obnoxious dailoh. 

School days, my husband didn't have home-cooked food dinner, father who was a teacher tapau and settled their daily routine, while his mother come back late. So I must understand why my mil don't know what my husband like to eat/dont eat. 

Birth of my son
My pil were staying in their Setapak condo when my son was born. Then my mil became my son's caregiver against my wishes. It was my bil idea, he doesn't want his then 63 mom to continue working, it was good strategy for my mil to finally retire, she has no experience in taking care of baby. My bil claimed it was my husband who asked him for help, which my husband never told me and denied. I don't want to argue with my bil anymore. I felt alot of resentment because no one respect my decision as the mother of my child. So that's the start how my mil and gradually my fil moving into my small little hut. The condo is still there not renting out, not selling. My bil family has semi-D in Kota D'sara but now residing Spore with high pay + Filipino maid. 

When we were planning to get married, we didnt really sort out or agree on  major life decisions. He didn't want kid, I want kids. We didn't agree on his parents moving in to stay wiht us, it just happened. I felt like I lost my autonomy and my freedom. Every time when I speak, I have to filter and think before I say, cos my mil mind perspective things very differently from me. I used to be so carefree and happy go lucky person, do what I want, say what I want in my world. 

Resentment
I don't know if my husband feels inferior to his smarter more successful elder bro. His parents are so scared of their eldest son, abang say anything they just listen and no sound. But with us, his parents are in their natural argumentative self. I grew up thinking elderly parents should live with their eldest son, but that's not what happen to my husband. My husband is the much poorer younger son who has to be responsible for his aging parents. 

What's my point? Maybe I shall end here.. i duno where is this going to. I can go on and on about my husband. Bottomline is I'm not sure if this is what they call  the wife emasculate the man. This is not my intention, but I often see myself nagging him still not filing his tax and not being hands-on with the kids (always rely on his mother when I'm busy or out). And its vulnerable for me to say this, but i felt hurt by my husband on few occasion. 

Happy Xmas 2020 | Spiritual Cultivation Retreat 2020

 It is Christmas night now and I'm all alone at Cindy parents' house all alone by myself. It is the first time that I managed to participate in a meditation retreat! I was so excited on the first night, when I checked-in the Horizon. I slept so well, with the cooling aircon and complete darkness with the lights off. 

I'm glad that sayang is able to take care of the 2 kids without me. This is a test for me and also a test for him, and for my kids! I heard this saying by one of the BGF ClubMed facilitator "If I'm a young child, I'll be more happy that my parents actually went and come back from a retreat!" 

I'm also thankful for this experience during this covid-19 crazy year that retreat is now just me and myself, with online zoom lessons on and off. I can be bra-less. I can be alone. I can sleep on the floor. I can do whatever I want! I hardly get this type of freedom of expression when I'm living with my family. 

Talking about my family, I guess I'm learning to accept that my parents in law will be living with me permanently. In fact I had wanted to register this blog spot talking about the new BU11 property that we've just booked! After a whole month of hullabaloo with the loan application, I finally got a decent offer from RHB, and with that me and sayang can sign the SPA on our supportive-date, either 6th Jan or 24th Jan. Now this new big house that we're aiming for, will house the Wong ancestor tablet, so then sayang don't need to keep going back to the empty Sepatak house for festival prayer days. 

In my mind, I do wish to offer my one-of-a-kind mil her own room, where she can place all her 'stuff'' should she wish to sell her Setapak condo. (brief sigh...)

If not for the calming SCR2020 with bhante Kumara, I wouldn't be so subdued in my writing today, I'm trying to understand the craving that causes my conflict / sufferings in relation to my in laws. Bhante Kumara said, if you are aware and fully understand the cause of craving of wanting / not wanting, there is nothing to let go, when you accept and understand the underlying cause of your suffering... letting go happens automatically. 

It is like why sayang always say "you expect the stubborn old people to change?" 

What is it that I want now... am I aiming for Nibbana? Or as a mundane lay person, aiming for a harmonious family life? It wont be easy, it is so hard.... to truly understand the nature of people that I have to live with everyday of my life, and accept the situation with deep level of understanding, then there is no conflict with my inner self. But I must also note that there are things that I don't like, and things that I need to say, or things that I must do. I should also not conflict with myself. 

I am grateful for this isolation, this opportunity to have self-reflection, especially during this time when the year is rallying its final week before we usher in the hopeful new year. I realized how rare this moment of solitude is for me... being a person who grew up with in a closed-knit family, and I always had roommate(s), seldom sleep alone in my whole life time. 

With this 'free' time alone, I could even exercise longer duration outside, without the fear and anxiety of watching over my 3yo daughter. I'm thinking if a person spend the more days in self-retreat, the more one feel detach from his/her loved ones? 

Well maybe balance and moderation is the key here... as we want to give more space to even our own heart-and-soul family, once in awhile, for them to have their invaluable me-time. 

The consciousness of my mil story is always at the back of my head. I've attended enough psychologist talk to know that my mil had abandonment scar in her brain and potentially have silent mental health issue, but she is either disguising is so very well or she has fully accepted / and understood her predicament that letting go already happened. I want to say that I really admire her.... but deep down inside I'm aware that I don't. There is conflict in me when I think about her. Shall I be more open and honest with my feelings and thoughts when associating with her? So many thoughts to reflect upon, as I strive to truly accept and understand the nature of my parents in law. 

Note worthy to mention, in this retreat, I try not to eat dinner, and hence I hope to shed the kilos and maybe I don't need to start on the hypertension medication! I want to maintain good health, physically and mentally. 

My wish for the new year, is to be able to happily build a new home with my tri-generational family, and wish that sayang can value me more, (but this is the exact craving bhante was talking about)... if no craving for affection and understanding, no sourness/sufferings. Is it that easy to attain? Just not craving, not wanting anything more from my husband? (im crying now) 

A part of me always cry thinking that if I don't crave for more appreciation and affection from my one husband, then what is the point of marriage? Where is there love for each other? Why bother entangle in this mundane life? Do I really want to further dwell into or renounce this conflicting / suffering mundane life? Should I even request sayang to read my private blog post? Why should I fear how will he be negatively affected if he ever read my posts here? 

This is me. 

The weirdest period of my life... well of planet earth!

I'm not going to let past this period of my lifetime not penning down what has happened from January 2020 until now its April 2020 and the Covid-19 virus pandemic is creating a big mess to the whole world. Recession is so expected to come and well people are dying from it. I'm praying really hard for the safe recovery of Bro. Jerry Ong, he really need alot miracle prayer and blessings for him to overcome this ordeal as he is suffering alone in the ICU at Sg Buloh hospital.

Due to this pandemic, as BCP coordinator for my office department, I'd arranged for laptops and VPNs for staff to be able to Work-From-Home (WFH). The government has closed school and daycare centres, so inevitably parents need to be WFH to take care of their own offspring! It's such a strange phase of my work life, where as a banker, it was unimaginable, but anything is possible. It happened... I assigned myself a decent laptop and I had VPN all the while, and I'm requested to be permanently WFH once all the other VPNs were sorted out. Personally I prefer to sit in my office to work, with the aircon and without my kids to distract me. But this WFH experience as brought new meaning to my life. I can be full time with my 2 kids, while trying engage with work (at random hours when my hands are not tight).

Also I'm so awesomely inspired by the morning sunshine, I hardly really get to exercise in the morning, and to receive the blessings of the morning sun ray. I know that with my prehypertension, I must put in effort to change my lifestyle.... and this lockdown period couldn't be more ideal time for me to really exercise daily, watch my diet and just try to reduce my BP level.

Well but one major factor to higher BP is due to stress, indeed it is very stress for a full-time-working-mother with young kids to be at home working with kids! The kids don't cling to daddy as much as they want to cling to mummy. As much as I want the father (who has no job during this period by the way), to share my load on parenting. Easy to wish, easy to dream... the reality is I'm working my arse off, and my kids still prefer to bug me anytime. Even during night sleep, my 2yo must smell me to sleep, or rather treat my limbs as her bolster! And she refuse to let papa to coo her to sleep.... WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!??!

Women or mothers have this superpower you know....

If there is one 'to-do' item that I wished I could find the time to really do it, is to create a photobook for my daughter! Since birth until now she's going to be 29 months old now, and yet no photobook for her? How unfair....  I wouldn't say I'm way busier now in my work life than before, so previously with just my elder son, how did I manage to squeeze in the time to do photobook for him? Hmm... maybe alot of my time is taken up daily to coach / guide my son now... even more than before, before he enters primary school. He has this 'beautiful mind' where see alphabets in reverse... mild dyslexia, his diagnosis. I wouldn't have high hope on him on the major exams, but I shouldn't and wouldn't give up on him just like that. Due to the way our education is structured, he must go through these stupid exams, so I need to at least pass these major exams... and then explore / fly high in his chosen path of life. I'm proud of his social skills, his engagement skills, his artistic sense, his physical able body, his very caring nature, he will will grow up to be an amazing person... i can see that. Just hopefully he can have more intelligence and wisdom than this father to have a more meaningful relationship with his future spouse (if he chooses to get married).

My daughter is still very young, apart from slow in talking compared to her peers, I'm not worried abt her abilities and skills too. I just secretly wish that she don't be dyslexic like her brother, and really hope she can be independent in doing her homework. My life would then give me more of me....

In my silent mind that I can't talk about openly, I'm again contemplating about my escape from this marriage as my kids become more mature cognitively and emotionally. I know I can be as sacrificial as my mother in law.... for the sake of our children... yes i believe most mothers have this capacity. But I'm really draining inside, trying to live together with the husband and his parents. When my kids are older, I wish I can move back to live next door to my parents, by then if they are still alive (of course I wish they will still be alive), they would be very old and perhaps frail too. I want be part of their ageing process. It's very difficult to treat someone else parents like my own parents, even in Metta meditation, you never hear people say "my may father in law and mother in law be well".. the 2nd person after sending metta to yourself, is your MOTHER and then your FATHER. Its undeniable, I owe my life to my parents. During this long period of lock down, I could hardly see them. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm going to cry each time I state this truth.

I have this wish, that if my husband decide not to move in with me in the future, where I could be next door to my parents, then so be it. I choose my parents over having a spouse to live with me. Heck, if the spouse is like the one that I'm stuck with, I think I will be mentally & emotionally healthier living by myself.

I'm now living in the year 2020, not 1920 or 1820. The women are earning as much as the men, if not even more. There will be a lot of stress when the husband earn lesser than the wife, and the husband don't make it up.... I'm too naive to think that, perhaps its OK for wife to earn more, and men can be house husband, take care of children.... well i see other people can.... why can't my husband? Because he has a very high ego or pride. Man must be 'man of the house' and not the woman? Times have changed.... women are better leaders than men in some parts of the world.

There is a thought.... that perhaps i don't need to get the house opposite my parents house, I can buy over my old Indian neighbour house! Aunty Rajah told me she will think of me, when she want to sell the house. That would be awesome, in that the fence can be knock down, me and my brother's family and my parents we all can share the same lawn. My brother and his plants and fishes.... me and my swimming pool.

Yup when I die, maybe I wouldn't fancy to have the 'Wong' lantern as what married Chinese woman would have.... neither would I want to have the 'Quek' lantern, out of respect to the Wong ancestors, and my kids are also Wongs. What's in a name? I don't want to follow old tradition custom, if its not beneficial to me. I want to break free! Break free from this samsara life cycle!

I'm sorry Sir Wong Mun Yee.... I just don't see how I can grow old together with u. There is no sayang left in me. I just wish all beings be truly well and happy... including metta to thyself. I must love myself first. I will remind myself to sayang myself more, that I wont let myself to be hurt.

I mean well, when I know my mil cannot let go of things, that she has underlying hurt issues, as what you will learn from psychology. Its not that I cannot tahan her things, its more of I know she got unresolved issues that she is in denial and nobody want to admit, or to help her, not even herself. From the time when I know that she doesn't want to find out where/who her real parents and siblings are.... I know she hasn't forgave them. I'm surprised the deities that she's associated with, doesn't drop hints to her, or advised her to truly set herself free.

My fil is reaping his karma, of being ill treated by his wife and sons. I know I can help fix his depression, but I'm not Upekkha and saintly enough. I know I can invest better karma for my merit-bank, I'm just not so holy yet. I'm still attached to this mundane human being form of this mind and matter.

May i look good in coming weeks, may my body be healthy, may heart and mind be happy and free. Sharing my metta thoughts to all beings. 

Happy New Year 2020!

Upekkha. I try my best not to expect anything in return, esp from the person that I signed my life to, the father of my 2 kids. I'm getting so damn tired these days, I'm pretty darn sure if its due to my age as I've reached 40 already or maybe I was tired from the almost 2-day of diarrhea (ah aloe vera i can't eat but I can't make it stick it to my head).

Yet even when I'm tired, I remind myself NOT to request or ask him to help out, as I know full darn well it will trigger an irritation in him. He is like the species, the descendant of his father....

I always envision at my funeral, how I don't need to ask him to do anything, he don't need to lift a finger and then complain that I asked him to do this or do that. I was thinking of asking Aaron Lee be the event manager for my funeral, since he did a fine job at our wedding at Rahsia. Cos I was hoping to have some Buddhist hymn singing session / performance if not by i.gemz then by Aaron's choir gang. Also if there a good English speaking shifu, can ask shifu to conduct a short meditation / reflection on death, as the dead body is there for people to see. Meanwhile the MC should be someone who is close to me, don't really need to employ some service provider. I know full darn well I will lotsa people coming up give their eulogy about me.

The aging population is ever growing, last time people to used to die in their 50's or 60s', if you live up to 70's you're very good! Now days? Heck my grandma is already 90 and still very alert, alive and well only deaf. And the senior citizens around me, they are getting older, with all sort of bodily aches and health problems but not terminal. As my generation of people don't give birth early in life, as I'm 40 now, my daughter is only 2 years of age still struggling to talk!

I have to think about my children's future in 10-15 years time, and I'm also concern about my own parents health, they're now 67 and 74 in this new year 2020. My mil will be 71 and my fil will soon turn 78. I see that my generation of people, have this heavy burden to shoulder as they are getting more senior mgr position in the offices, they have their children as well as aging parents to take care off.

What is this 'door-left-open-not-close' hullabaloo that my so-called husband want to shout at me for? When I don't even remember touch the door knob? I just go about my daily life, like a zombie, trying to getting everything done (and still feel like that's 1001 things still left to do). If you can't play catch up with me in doing things and getting things done, don't be bully. Learn to have Mudita.

I dread to see when the x'mas tree comes back, and the whole under-the-stairs area so filled with even more stuff, and all the stuff that attract even more mosquitoes. You know the saying, when you don't want the ants to come then you don't leave sweet/sugary stuff around to attract the ants. Not bark on the wrong tree, ask why the door is not closed! Even if there is a mosquito so WHAT? will you die? Is it more important to have a peaceful sleep without mosquito bite or be kind to your own beloved wife? Your wife has never had a peaceful uninterrupted sleep every since I was few months pregnant with my Aira.... *you know the night pee spree when pregnant, and then ever so tiring and painful breastfeeding journey that lasted nearly 20 months, and then the endless bottled-nen-nen request btwn 1am - 5am* what's a mosquito bite for one night?!!!!!

For heaven sake, please universe turn him into a women next life let him suffer and have no chance to whine to his future 'husband' who doesn't know how be loving.

I'm always contemplating on giving up on this partnership. Why do I have to silently endure this ~!$_+*&*^%$#@!%^ life is very fragile. All you need, is for you to open up your heart & mind sincerely, and to care for your surrounding. When a child is trying to get up from her child seat and looks like she is going to fall.... DON'T EXPECT THE MOTHER TO ALWAYS BE THERE TO CATCH THE CHILD/FEED THE CHILD/ CARRY / BATH / READ / PACK THE BAG / ..... ! YOU AS FATHER CAN DO IT TOO WITHOUT BEING ASKED!

If I don't ask you don't do, no wonder you didn't want to have a child in the first place! Great serve me right! I shall continue suffer and die faster... yeah maybe I should just go die faster. AND THAT will maybe perhaps TRIGGER to RASA / FEEL it what's it like to be in my shoe. 

A Psychic Friend

Its 3am of a July 2019, its a week before Sayang's 40th birthday. I don't know if I still have any 'sayang' left inside me to really feel the 'sayang'. Today he threw / flung my car key at my direction, in the presence of his parents, my mom and my kids. This short temper trigger after he went to scold his son (AGAIN) and made him cry unnecessarily while I'm still having my dinner.

Anyway, I don't feel any anger, well maybe for a split second I was berserk, I just couldn't accept the dangerious behavior of throwing things, esp when there is kids around!

So this is my life now at 40. Did I tell you I'm actually looking forward to my 40th birthday? Come this day after my 40th birthday, would be my 10th Wedding Anniversary! Nah the wedding anniversary is really nothing to shout about, with this kind of dysfunctional relationship that I'm having with the guy I married to. But for my 40th birthday, I'm already thinking which restaurant to host the dinner, to have karaoke, to invite my bff, aside from the usual family members. See I look forward to life, to embracing life, to rally for another decade of being a good mother, good hardworking employee of the bank and perhaps inch nearer to my goal of freedom!

Freedom - this will tie back to my post title - the psychic friend. I have a few bff but none can really describe my true self as precisely as this new friend! Well actually he's an old friend that I knew in temple, some 20 years ago. He added me on FB one day after missing for so long, and then we chat on the phone the first time, I remember I was taking the mrt ride home, and he made me cry while sitting in the moving train! He just said things that he intuitively instinctively knew about me. When people tell you the cold hard truth that hit straight into your heart, you know you will feel overwhelmed with emotions, and your tears will roll naturally.

Anyway later on I did introduce him to LT as well, as he's actually pretty damn good in his character and personality analysis of people, he just has this talent, this gift. I met some other people who has this similar mind-reading power they possess. He was going to offer to come to my home, to check the element, and also to help Sayang to improve his business, since the home is where Sayang work and conduct his business. Of course without iota of doubt, Sayang would not agree to meeting this new psychic friend. In fact I've been pretty good at holding back now days, I would usually naturally tell everything that has happened.... but the wise thing to do now, is just following the advise - step by step.

Psychic friend gave me glimmer of hope that my relationship with Sayang will improve, if I trust him, to take it step by step slowly. He promised me that one day, when the condition is right. he will seriously talk to Sayang. I had doubts on how he, more or less a stranger to Sayang, can talk and make Sayang want to listen to him??! Sounds like mission impossible leh! Well he assured me no worries, he will have his way. He did say that Sayang will not listen to anyone except to a monk or higher realm beings, of which I agree! You see phychic friend is not deva yet and is a lay person not a monk, how is he going to get Sayang to truly listen to his counseling?

Well since I always give chance for opportunity and positive possibility, who knows if my psychic friend is right, he will and he can manage to talk to Sayang! I have hope. I must have hope. It is with this hope, that I calm down myself, I forgive myself. I try to talk myself not to steer onto the escape path.

You see, its deep inside my mind that I was (probably still am giving rise to this thought) of walking out of this marriage. Just a matter of time when my kids are much older and are self-sufficient. Anyway, did I tell you the joke that psychic friend told me, that's why he ask me to decide what I want, if I really want to leave or make the relationship work. He said he saw a 3rd party. I ask who me with another guy, or Sayang another girl -- me! I laughed... me 40 year old married with 2 kids still got people want?! Kanasai not bad woh.... ok well in my secret escape plan, I don't intent to live with another guy, I just want what I value the most in my life -- FREEDOM!

I see how sis. Julia live alone after separated from her husband, in her small apartment, not bad what! She still maintain good relationships all her in-laws. She has 2 grown up sons, she assured me 'dragon' child is very smart... that she told me when I was pregnant with Ariya, my water dragon boy! I believe he is smart, he has obvious dyslexia symptoms but, I read about dyslexia child, they are all smart people! So what for the father keep getting all hot-tempered and make the young child cry so often?! I want my children to grow up in a happy environment, to learn to be respectful, independent, kind and loving. Even if the child ends up last in class - soooo what?! In a matter of years he will be in secondary school where the syllabus will be somehow 'easier' (to me lah I think).

Did I tell you, the most assuring thing Psychic friend told me, is that I have the 'protective' element in me for my children. That's why he advocate co-sleeping with kids and to bring kids along for travels. I raised my concern about how its expensive to bring my kids along to travel with me, esp if I want to go somewhere far... he said money can always find back, my kids will always be protected when they with me. Awww.... again I feel like crying hearing this. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I LOVE MY KIDS. Obviously its natural thing for me to combine both travel + kids together? See my mom is always against travelling with kids, well that's for her not me! I'm me, not only it feels right for me to bring my kids along, my kids will be safe and protected when they are with me. Some friends, I know they can leave their kids behind when they travel with their husband... I can't.

I have good elements in my life, I know I'm doing quite OK in my career and my kids are growing just fine. I can't say the same for my husband.... actually I really don't mind if he's not earning alot of money. In this modern society, we know that many wives earn more than their husband. It's normal, its OK. I can see that some men, don't take it too well. Like what Psychic friend say, men ah... their ego is VERY high wan! They dunno how difficult it is to give birth, to carry baby for 9 months, to breastfeed... all looks easy for men. That's why women's brain is wired to be so resilient, so strong, so brave, so sacrificial (like my mil). Well its really hard to find a real men who can really understand and appreciate the women in their lives, so much so that they will lower down their ego... you know like my dad type?! :)))) I really respect my dad. My mom is soooo difficult to tahan, but he can tahan. So now my dad cannot walk already, my mom will stay back and serve him everyday of the week, of the year... I don't know if I have the good karma like my parents to have each other even in their old age. I don't want that type of elderly couple, who don't really care for each other but still living together for fear of being alone. Maybe its scary to die to alone... but its okay i supposed.... with my good karma, insyallah.

OK its 4am now, lotsa of crying writing this piece. At least I pen down this chapter, as I embrace my transition into my club-40, I hope my Sayang don't jealous of me, I hope he can have Mudita for me, as I try to learn to have Metta and Karuna for him. The Upekkha is for his parents, whom I can't change.

Psychic friend... if you can read this, remember what you promised me ya! I told him that even if he failed to talk to Sayang, and if Sayang also don't listen to him. I'll be contented that at least Psychic friend tried or have the intention to help him. I already 'mou nang wai lik' to help this impossible husband of mine. Psychic friend reminded me why I married him in the first place, he put it in such words that is actually true, truer than what I thought. Well I thought I married Sayang because you know age is catching up, and nobody else would want me, and my parents or society pressure would somehow make me marry him. Well he said, I married Sayang because he's not too bad, he is OKay lah... you know i was a very simple happy go lucky person! You always hear 'chinchai' la coming out from my mouth.

Lets try to wrap this up, before i get puffy eyes in 3 hours time when I get ready for work. That is another story, but nothing so worthy for me to pen down about my work.

First time I'm home alone with just my 2 kids for a week!

Don't want the world to know I'm home alone with my two lovely kids as their papa join his parents to Indonesia, or rather join his mother. His father was supposed to join the trip together, everything paid for and he even dyed his hair / brows for the trip. Just a day before their departure, his father got warded in hospital for weak legs. *faint* and he was grounded.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry... that I'm the one person left to tend to this old man, thankfully there's still 4sok the brother of this old man. If it is my own parents or my own uncle, I wouldn't feel so head-banging. I'm actually very tight up with my life, having to juggle work and 2 kids while the husband is out of the country!

Sometimes the incidents that enfolds infront of you has a meaning to it, if you use your wise intuition to see it. I could complain that why I have bad karma to have to experience this? But I also could see it that I'm the angel, I'm the blessing for this old man and this weird Wong family. I don't want to believe that in my past life, I owe it to them that in this life its payback time.

In fact I was secretly looking forward to the husband and his parents to be out of the house for the whole week, so then I can peacefully declutter and rearrange the house! I have grown to appreciate being a minimalist as I age... but my parents in law are still in their strange world. The husband is also strange, he keep his floral stuff in his own home that he shares with his family. He thinks it is his rights for his business requirements, that he collect all the baskets, the bulky stands and boxes, and 3-4 huge boxes of vases that he only used once. The house space is fixed, but his stuff for his business is ever growing. The family has grown and need more space yet the space is getting lesser and lesser.

Marriage life for my case is definitely not a bed of roses. There is alot alot of effort that both me and the husband have to take, to compromise, and to not get on each other's nerve. I'm not sorry for thinking that sometimes I wish to just get away, to drop it all, and just move out on my own. The kids can come visit me for leisure and homework guidance, in my imagination, I just wish for the freedom and space... to just do nothing and be with myself, in my cosy little own apartment with swimming pool.

I'm sorry for not being magnanimous enough to be subservient to this weirdest Wong family. If one day you need my help for counselling and helping you really to sort your life out, I will be most happy to do it. Until then... lets continue to pretend to be husband and wife while the kids are still young. 

I am CRAZZZieeee!!!

In spite of seeking advise from Sg. Buloh er-jie, who strongly discourage me to bring a 6mo baby along to UK travel, I still can't imagine any other way. And I've been reading and thinking of all the possibilities, till the extend of my brain getting too heavy...

I need to bring my baby along wherever I go, no matter how far and how troublesome it would be, because I need to breastfeed the baby! You know, for all nursing mothers, if baby is not with you, you need to pump milk. Well I can bring a manual pump, but how about milk storage?! Between choosing to nurse a cranky baby vs manually express milk 6 times a day (without baby direct latching) - obviously former wins.

There is a risk for baby falling sick, due to low immune system at merely 6 months old. I'm not sure about that... how about the chances of baby NOT falling sick? There's a risk of jeopardizing baby's schedule... what's a schedule for baby?! Milk - sleep - play - poo cycle. I can bf baby anywhere in the plane, in the car, in the park, in the hotel... Baby can sleep on my body with my baby carrier, can sleep in the bassinet, can sleep in the baby carseat, ... Seriously WHY do I NOT see it as troublesome?!!

You will gain amazing experience and its all in the mindset that you CAN do it!

Will I regret about the bad things that might happen to baby because I decided to bring baby along with me to travel half way round the globe? How about asking, will I regret NOT bring baby? Will I regret NOT travelling at all?

Hubby says "you think you'll have no chance to travel next time?" I tell you what... what is "next time?" How many 38-year-old do you get in your life? When you talk about money investment or insurance - time is money. You start save or invest early, you reap more $$$ in the long term. Talking about travelling, its not like I'm travelling for the benefit of myself only. I'm bringing my MOTHER and mother-in-law ALONG to their fave destination. I know I can just send them to join another travel agency traveling all the way by coach. It's different! My mom will surely complain about all the walking she need to do.... but since I'm PLANNING for the trip with my mom's physique in mind, I want her to ENJOY the trip, with the least walking to do, and least lugging the suitcase around.

She may complain about the hassle of having to care for a small baby while travelling, but me having to lug a baby along will surely slow me down, and perhaps my mom would be able to keep up my 'slower pace'!

So what if I try to imagine myself travelling "next time"... when baby is older... that's when my elder son would have started formal school, thereby lesser window of opportunity to fit in a summer holiday to the northern or southern hemisphere.

Why can't I travel without the kids?! Would I want to mafan other ppl to take care of my own kids while I go on holiday to enjoy myself?!! My kids will miss me... i will miss my kids... I think I still can afford to bring them along in my trips.

Yeah... I must be one hell of a crazy mummy. I may go down as worst mummy ever... and that's just who I am, and how my brain and emotions are wired. I'm soooo immensely thankful that I have my kids, and its easy to get pregnant for me, and my kids are a part my life now, until they're 18yo.

At end of it all - I can share with you, whether it was bad or good experience. I may be able to write a book about it... If i didn't go, no experience to write about... life is just a mundane same routine, what do I live for? 

Will i am

I want to write a Will, maybe after baby girl is born where her IC and passport is made. 

I want to write a Will where all my inheritance goes to my eldest son and my youngest daughter (yes I know I'll only have 2). 

I don't like the idea of leaving any inheritance to my husband. Maybe because I've been the breadwinner of the family, and he earns less than half of my income. Should I leave this world before him, he doesn't have the luxury to spend the money that I've earned. 

There is however 1 property (G-Residence) that is under his name, but merely using his name with my brother, co-financed by 4 people where I'm the 1/4 financer. Should we sell off G-Residence at RM1mil then I'll get RM250K from there. 

I've recently purchased a property - Cemara - at Equine Park at RM280K. I hope to sell it off after 10 years to reap about RM500K if possible to finance Ariya's tertiary education overseas. It would be a lie if I said I don't have hopes for my children. At the very least, I wish to give them options when they finish their secondary school. 

(I vividly recall this conversation my mom had with me when I was only form 3 - "Dont dream of going overseas to study, your parents don't have the money, your only option is local Uni") 

I was a dreamer since as young as I could remember. I aced in my geography. I knew many of the capital cities of the worlds, I had a world map stuck on my wall during my childhood years.

What is RM500K in the future in the year 2030? What can Ariya choose to study and where can he go with just RM500K in 2030? 

Then comes my baby girl, how can I not keep aside some money for her as well to have the opportunity to choose what she wants to study! Would I sound unfair if I were to only give her RM250K? 

I think when I retire at 55yo, my EPF would have about RM400K. Should I maintain good health and have the good karma to a long life, assume I live up to 80yo, and no holiday trip ever, I can only spend up to RM1300 per month.

I would not hope for my children to give me allowance in my old age. If my body is still able, I want to live a independent life. I can even renounce to be a nun or be an engaged-Buddhist social worker.

Back to my husband, should I really be gone before him, and after my 2 kids are well tucked in a good university and I still have some extra $$$.... I don't mind giving him some, not for his daily BAU expenditure. It has to be something meaningful and enriching to his self-development. 

I want him to use the extra $$$ to either expand his business, or to invest in himself (ie. attend coaching / self-development training). Does he really know himself... does he even have a goal in his life, if he doesn't need a goal in life, and can live everyday with only a weekly / monthly plan, might as well become a monk! 

I remember he wanted to buy a house with me, way back then when we were dating. That's about it. Later I initiated marriage. Later I influence him to have 1 child. Then much later influence for 2nd child. Travel to Japan, Taiwan, HongKong? I came up with the idea. There would be trips that he'd go without me, they are usually trips planned by an organisation, not his own initiative, not his own novelty.   

It's quite a waste of my hard earn money, to leave it for such kind of personality to have no meaningful purpose for his life. If he can come out with a great business proposal, if he can start up something (doesn't matter if he will succeed or not), if he were to attend training courses to better himself - why not go for it. I wish my whatever little $ left can be used optimally.

Sigh.. If he were to read this, he would surely feel sore and flare up. That is his default reaction to my words and thoughts, no matter how nicely or gently I put my words... he doesn't take it positively or happily. Its like the existance of me makes him melancholy. 

But I'm sure the non-existance of me would not necessary make him bright and joyful. What am I writing a suicide note? Puhleaseee..... The zero-melancholy eccentric person that I am? 

I am writing this... because I'm ready to die.

The idea of moving house for my family

My family here means just me, sayang, my son and my baby daughter (yes did I tell you my baby inside my tummy now is a girl!!!) - we might be moving to a new house upper unit of a town house! I've never really thought of this idea, as the most insane thing I thought was to have my parents in law to chip in some $ and for my family to refinance my current small little townhouse, to combine the $$ for a bigger house, perhaps with 2 living rooms!

My ah Soh things the old folks should have their own space - contrary to what I observe with regard to the old folks. They don't seems to need their own space, they want to be 'needed'. They want to have control over small little things, they want to 'parent' my son as if he is their own son instead of their grandson. I can't tell what my old age will be like, I might consider to renounce and go stay in a monastery... certainly I tell myself I don't want to be glued to my kids when they are grown up.

On and off I'll drift off visualizing me and my nuclear family living at the upper unit of the town house... the one we saw first was fully furnish RM700k which seems quite a good deal to me, the only problem I have is the living room without window, hence aircon is always switched on... I don't fancy that idea. I don't mind the walking up the stairs...

There's a 2nd unit that we saw which is not within this compound but very nearby, with the front gate facing the road, hence not guarded, no maintenance fee.. RM580k and the design is 'narrower' and taller. Living room has balcony, master bedroom has high ceiling and windows at 2 side of the wall. There is a rooftop where it can be converted to a rooftop garden with a nice Bandar Utama / Kg Cempaka view. Problem is there is only 2 bathrooms, 1 is attached with master bedroom, and 1 is common shared bathroom, hence no bathroom nor toilet at the same floor with the kitchen/dining area. Maybe its not such a big deal... the narrow porch means we can't really park inside... what's the point having a long porch yet not able to park even 1 car inside?!

This week hopefully we can get to view another neighbor upper unit Malay owned but the asking price is higher, RM750K... i'm curious to know if there's gonna be window or air-well...

I'm not 100% sure what I'd like to wish for in this aspect... the bigger the expectation, the higher the disappointment. Many times I wonder, what if I didn't get married at all... why get married and then have to put up with living with parents in law? Dating was a breeze, discussing about marriage was manageable, pulling off the less-than-perfect wedding with whatever little resources with both had combined was a satisfactory feat. We never once discussed about the future of our lives where my husband's parents would be permanently my husband's responsibility. I had to decide for them what they should eat for their meals... if I don't decide, my husband would only say "you settle your own lunch/dinner".

Why can't they be a lil' more like my own parents?! My dad would decide what he wants to eat, he would go out tapau for himself and for my mom if he knows she likes the food. Or he may tell me he doesn't want this nor that... he knows what he wants to eat. And he decides. My mom on the other hand, is always thinking of to be on a diet, no need to pack food for her, there is ALWAYS finger food in my parents house. She might just boil some sweet potatoes and or tong-sui and that's it her meal. And I would always have something to eat at my parents house. Why is my parents-in-law so stingy on spending esp my fil? Why is that other people have to decide for them what they're going to eat?

On the home / living front, why is that the 2 sons have to decide for their mother that she should sell her Setapak condo? Why they have to tell their parents to buy their own house to live in while they both are reluctant to make that decision?

I'm so damn proud of my own parents, who are independent grown ups, who are responsible and not immature, who can for see their future, and knew what they wanted. They bought over the double-sty ancestor house from all their siblings and will eventually pass it down to my brother. I have no problem with that, as its their wishes, I respect their wishes. And because the double-sty house is fairly big, my brother & his nuclear family could also live happily together with my parents.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM my situation!!! My parents in law are occupying me and my husband's house! Did they give money to their 2nd son for this house?! Errr no.... oh ya just the TV is bought by my fil. Hubby has inherited some of this im-clueless-about-what-i-want syndrome from his parents....

Perhaps abang has taken all that 'chi' away with him... that drive, that passion to excel and succeed and to provide a comfortable life for his nuclear family. I wish abang would give back some of this 'chi' back to his parents... and then influence his only brother... to be more self-assured and confident in their thoughts.

Oh I do know what I want, and most of whatever I want would hurt my sensitive submissive mil. I'm after all a kind Buddhist person, I still don't have the courage to fight it all out assertively to make my mil to fully comply with my wishes at ALL times. My fil?!? is a gone case... he knows... he knows.... he pretend he dunno.... u talk apple, he answer u orange. he can fake deaf or senile easily, to avoid the situation the day the daughter-in-law finally put a foot down and ban him from living together under the same roof. See which daughter-in-law la... may be me, may not be me... my ah Soh is certainly not to be bullied.

Make my aspiration - that there will be a conclusion of this 'idea' of us living a separate house nearby. As I dislike people starting things without finishing it... don't leave things half hanging. Always come to a conclusion, decide, make a choice - what YOU really WANT!!!