From Joon to YT#4 - not again!

hey,

you gotta read this one I JUST found :)
http://jasonaish.blogspot.com/2005/01/she-was-my-best-friend.html

she 'finally' wrote about me! haha.. well, that is nice and sweet. Of
cos there's a part she wrote "I was a little pissed, because I thought she's the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen. She wrote about racial unity, she's angry because we Malaysians are not coming together as a true blue Malaysian."

I actually laughed at myself for seeing that. *phew.. luckily she didn't "find" my truly personal blog that I expressed my thoughts and prayers for her. Ahem, I think you also dunno I have that blog, becos I cant share my diary with anyone.

She found both our fotopages, and she cried becos in all the pictures, she's not inside.

Can you "see" what I'm trying to show you? In my last bloody long
hole-in-the-heart email that I wrote, more than one year ago, it was
very very hurtful to her. But have anyone told you before "the truth
hurts".

I know my words were (are) sharp, becos I had too much grudges inside me, that is even affecting my health. Around 2 years ago I was under hyperthyroid medication, and now it's returning. My weight is losing, and my hair drop alot. This sickness is due to "bottling" up all the 'energy' inside my heart.

At this moment, why I feel my heart very "tight", not becos of J,
maybe also partly thinking of J (becos I keep returning to her blog
and reading her story, becos her story is still suspending), also
thinking of what the hell I wanna do with my life, and thinking of one
boy (ahem, siow leh!!). A virgo will always keep things inside, and
never show people how we feel inside, and that's probably how its
going to be.

Tell me how to really let go, and not keep things inside my heart and
causing my ill health. Did you know the medical insurance I buy charge
me extra loading, becos of my fast heartbeat. I'm actually "worried"
about climbing Mt. KK now, becos with my fast heartbeat, its not gonna
be easy to breath while climbing a cold high mountain!! :P yikes...
but keep the faith.

Lastly, I just wanna confirm that - ur friend do not know me - is
probably true. When she wrote "And then things changed, I met my life
partner, who's a non-Chinese, and a non-Buddhist. She disapproved. She cancelled me out from our plans to go to Europe together. We've been talking and planning since forever. She went with another friend. She also said if I ever become a Christian, she wouldn't know what to say."

... I never disapprove... in my hole-in-the-heart email I wrote, maybe
she's really blind, i saved my own copy, I wrote that I was "worried"
about Jason being a "cheater" like what I read in newspaper about
internet-love-trap. And I was really disappointed that as a so-called
bestfriend, I never got the chance to be introduced to him, never saw
his picture.... can u imagine that u have a bestfriend, and you never
know who your bestfriend is dating? Does it matter if he's black or
tall or fat?

... if you wanna read back those email she wrote... who "cancelled"
the plan to go Europe? Did you know how hurt / sad / disappointed I
felt when she said she has no more means to think of ways to find the
money to go Europe in that email that poked my heart. In my mind, I
was willing to lend you or her money to go to Europe. It is not that I
was richer, just that I was willing to give all my money to Europe, no
savings left.

... the part about she being a Chrstian, and I have nothing to say?
What can I say? If I say anything - people will think that I'm a
hyppocrite. Matters about religion is really between you and yourself.
Nobody should have any say. But if I say I'd be disappoited, then
you'll say that I'm being narrow-minded. But what if I do feel that
way. Maybe becos of my strong faith in Buddhism, and I felt
disappointed that I couldn't set an example to 'touch' her with my
Metta (loving kindness). Maybe I really have alot more to learn about
practising sincere loving kindness. And seriously, if you are a
Christian, and you practise love, care, generosity, helpfulness,
what's the problem? That's the same essence of Buddhist values, to
love, care, give service to others. My disappointment is something
really difficult to put into words. I first know J from school
Buddhist society. Why did she join the Buddhist society in the first
place and become my bestfriend? Why was I forced (by her parents) to
go join a TzuChi Buddhist camp with her and her sister? I learnt so
much about Buddhism and not shy to say, that I'm a happy Buddhist.
Even if God or Jesus appear right infront of me, I'd say thankyou for
trying to save me, but nobody can save me, except our own self.
There's no heaven or paradise that I would want to go when I die,
becos heaven is on earth now, when you are contented and feel happy
for yourself at this moment.

Not going to bother you anymore. Am really really "wuliow" to read
back all those emails and writings. Seriously I save up and re-read
back all the stuff I write or anybody write. I keep things - even
primary school autograph book. That's why my room is in such a mess!
All the penpal letters through my secondary school life? It's still
inside a box.

regards,