Almost 40 weeks!

Today is special. Today is the day before 1st Dec, my EDD according to Baby Center :) This whole week my gynae is in Aussie with her husband family, and only be back to see me on 4th Dec. That's like 3 days after my due date... and she might consider to induce me if there's still no sign by then.

This week, I'm under Dr. Arifah... this evening I'll have my weekly pre-natal check with her. Recommended by my gynae Dr. Hoo. Well its all up to the baby... whether he wants to be delivered by Dr. Arifah (this week) or Dr. Hoo (next week).

Today is actually brother-in-law's birthday! And he's also a dragon... if baby decide to come out today, then its so co-incident :P Well baby has his own destiny. Papa wish for December la...

And mama has stopped going to work since the start of this week, occasionally still receive work-related call. I wish office smooth sailing, so that I can be at peace.

Pregnancy is alot about putting in practise your mindfulness and mind-body-at-peace-mode. I shall continue my relaxing mood and not complain about boredom, and just appreciate the doing-nothing-much-at-home.

Lets aspire for a smooth easy & safe natural birthing process.... 

34 weeks & 3 days

Today i'm 34 weeks & 3 days and according to my 'im expecting' app on my adroid, i left 39 days to go to D-day.

I overheard my friend discussing about purchasing a piano and how expensive it is. Then I thought about how I wish my child would have the chance to learn to play the piano! ;)

But before that I also wished our son can have opportunity to learn martial art like Chinese kungfu! ;) So if given only 1 choice, should I send the our child for wushu class or piano class? But piano class would surely be very costly, as a even a 2nd hand piano would exceed RM10K?!

Ahh.. no need to think so far. Just wish for smooth easy natural birthing process come late Nov / early Dec. Sadhu!

Om Mani Padme Hung!

Today at 21weeks + 2 days

Today at my pre-natal checkup, doctor noticed a slight increase at my sugar level. So next month I have to do a glucose test, 8am once and 10am second test, in between have to drink high glucose drink.

Baby size is 380gm now. Doctor asked if I can feel baby movement or kicking, actually im not sure how to tell it. Doctor said its not a big movement, just perhaps some inkling sensation that something is touching my stomach...

I'll try to be mindful throughout the day, to observe these baby movement sensation.

Today I received news from my highschool friend, that her baby (born prematurely at 6mnths+) has ended his life journey. I read the whatsapp msg in office, and of course can cry. But its office, I gotta deal with my vendor and my cllg... lets send farewell wishes to the tiny infant. GuanYin will be taking care of him now...

Today in my life, my mom is going for her 2nd chemo treatment. May my mom be well and happy. May my mom be strong and be at peace with herself.

Today i read a very nice saying from Lao Tzu ~ "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." ~

Other updates in my life... we're getting a car replacement for sayang's old car, with a 2nd hand avanza. Its gonna be fully paid off by cash, no loan. Thanks to my dad who's gonna be 'give' me RM15k without needing me to pay him back. But i say i'll pay him back la.... the reason he's giving me the money, is because the the house will go my brother! Haha.. well that's quite a sensible option, its much less hassle to put your property in 1 name rather than 2 or more names!

Lets continue to count our blessings and pray for less problems...

"im sorry"
"i forgive you"
"i thank you"
"i love you"

A little update on my little life

I hope I don't get caught blogging at work. I don't feel like I have much energy today to pull me through til evening. After 2 of my bosses had left, I was sort of put in unofficial acting teamlead for my windows team. Things are fine, its just that I have another acting head replacing my old boss. And this acting head is not to my liking. If I were to remain sain in my job while being pregnant, so not to choke up or suffocate inside, I need to understand him. 'know thy enemy'. To put effort in knowing and understanding people that really annoy you even face level. The hair and the uncle-attitude, the i-want-to-care-but-i-dont-care style of talking... oh my, its only the first month since i need to directly deal with this everything-i-want-to-comment-uncle....

If only i can just leave my boring energy-draining-support work, and fly to a far-away island with beautiful sandy beaches. I miss the ocean & the beaches...

I'm 16 weeks along with my pregnancy. This Friday will go for monthly checkup, maybe can see boy or girl. Not that its important (like what i usually say), but I did wished for (at Veranasi in India, by playing candle-lid flower on the Ganges River) the gender that my sayang prefer. Many times I have to admit "becareful of what you wish for, you might really get it!"

In terms of my work, I wish for nothing now... as im not prepared for a career upgrade. I'm fine with the not-so-fantastic salary that im getting. I don't wish for more workload that comes bundled with the package of career advancement. The higher you climb, the more strategic your brain has to be. Using up brain-cell for over-thinking can be energy-draining!

Let's not wish for anything... other than wish for my baby to be healthy, happy and alive! Of course for all the people around me, my family members esp to stay healthy, happy, in good shape and to be truly alive!

I wish to take care of my body... i wish to go swimming... i wish to find time to practie yoga at my own home... i may wanna re-style my hair?! ;)

Ahhhhh...... bliss*

Breath in.. Breath out... Relax...

This is what im telling myself to do. It is just strange how people can get on your nerve, and there is a chain reaction to it... and its all because of my brother!

I was thinking to myself, what if in the distant future, when we're all much older, my brother would be the most annoying b***h in the household. And my parents would have a difficult time communicating with him, and instead I become the attention giver for my ageing parents then.

I came into the house, I didn't latch the padlock, I try to put some dessert that I bought on the table for my father to eat. He insist I close the door, so I went turn back to close the door.. no its NOT enough, i must latch it with the padlock, so that ronnie the dog don't come into the house.

The dog is NOT going into the house whether i latch it or not. As long as the door looks like its close. For the freakiest thing, my bro just want to create an argument with me over the "door" being latched or not.

All I wanted was to come in quickly to put the food on the table so that my dad could eat it! BRRRRRRrrrrrrhhhhhh.....

Before dinner, before my sayang is back... my b**** bro reprimand that me and sayang must finish all the food on the dinner table, as we'll be the last one to eat. So as I waited for sayang to be back... I sorta told sayang that we must finish all the food, even the fish that my sayang don't want to. And then he get all cook up about me forcing him to eat or do what he don't want to eat/do. And that's how another stupidest argument broke out over "finishing the fish".

All because of my stupid bro...

In life.... how am I able to tolerate so many annoying uncles / aunties and even my terribly long-winded boss? Thanks to my family.

Breath in... breath out... relax...

How I came out from my mom's vagina

I've heard it many times, again and again, how my mom had severely suffered when trying to deliver me at HKL almost 33 years ago.

There was once my dad narrated the story, that made me want to cry because of how the "good Malay doctor" saved my life. I'm not sure if other baby had only 1 doctor, but I had 2 doctors who had to bring me out to this world.

Today, my mom dramatically described in explicit detail on her most incredible unforgettable memory of delivering me at the government hospital, which would not allow her to go for C-sect, which she pleaded for but to no avail.

If you could hear words like "2-days wait" , "baby in distress", "nurses & 2 doctors frantic around" , "dangle my both legs up in the most uncomfortable position", "vacuum" , "umbilical cord snapped and went back into the womb" , "baby didn't cry and skin purplish" , "incubator" ... you can actually write a very heart-warming nerve-wreaking tear-jerking touching story ;)

The baby was me. In my mother's word "my Karma".

My mom was left there suffering in pain at the hospital bed, and she was powerless, as the staff would not ward her for C-sect. Every 5 minutes, the nurse will check the baby's heartbeat... until at abt 3am ish, on the 3rd morning, when the nurse started pressed the alert / panic "baby in distress" button! Suddenly all the doctors on call and nurses came, like suddenly everyone took notice of my mom who was already in a fatigue state by then, their aim was to save the baby. They raised both my mom's legs on two sticked, with legs wide open, in a very uncomfortable position. Then they tried to push and push and, and the baby wouldn't come out, the baby is already in distress. They're worried that the baby is suffocating inside, and finally about 6am ish, the malay doctor took the vacuum to suck the baby head out... and ALAS the baby is out!!! All throughout my mom was squeezing the doctor so super hard, but the doctor didn't mind and continue to let her pinch the doctor.

But wait...?! the umbilical cord snapped and it went back into my mother's vagina, one doctor kept on pressing his/her hands on my mom's tummy so that the umbilical cord would not get sucked back into her womb. And while pressing and waiting, they had to save the baby first. The baby is not crying! In fact, the skin is pale and purplish. They quickly rush the baby into the incubator, give oxigen mask to the baby, and disturb the baby.

Finally... what karma, the baby finally let out a faint soft cry. The other doctor, quickly rush back to the mother's vagina, with only a hand glove, he/she scooped out the residue of the umbilical cord stuck inside.

The wound were so bad. The skin of the vagina were torn, and when mother asked the doctor, the only word the doctor said was "fantastic!" Doctor had to stitch back my mom's vagina, and put anticeptic on it.

Mother and baby spent 5 more days in hospital before discharge.

This is the beginning of my "fantastic" life!

Things do not go as plan....

Today I plan very nicely, to take lrt at 2pm, reach Bkt Jalil by 2.30pm either walk to Endah Parade or get sayang to pick me. Bring my camera along, go attend an interesting Calligraphy exhibition launching... then after that go visit my bugz buddy to catch up with their babies.

ALL MY PLAN &%*(!~#$%&*%^$#%%~#@!~~*(!!!!

I even plan to get pregnant this year... but things do not just go as your plan. Of course people have told me, you cannot just expect to get pregnant with just one try or that when you think you'll get, you'll get. Things are not as "easy"....

Today, I didn't expect that AD hardening will spillover to Exchange patching shit... i don't really fancy Exchange becos everyone cannot survive without email coming into their mailbox. Its like your worklife is 'dead' when your emails or alerts stop coming in. And by the way, I'm not the primary support for Email Exchange servers.

No wonder the management actually promoted me instead of the other girl who's supposed to be primary support for Exchange. Cos i am capable of cleaning up sHITT!! Do other people's work, delivery things to my boss... i know i can do it... the question is always whether i WANT to do it?

Can i just walk out when the servers got trouble? No I can't. It's an opportunity to show that you can solve it. You can handle pressure, and you can solve problem!

What a life. I'm not sure if its a pathetic life, but sometimes I do see my corporate work life is so uninspiring. It's about the MONEY$$$$! There's always other ways to get income, but its not easy to walk out today, and still get the stable income flow that I'm currently getting. I got bills to pay and a livelihood to sustain. And if I plan to have a baby, then I'll also have to consider saving abit more in the future, common sense. If not the baby will really be a poor child, cos the mama just simply spend her money away... on travelling and hobbies and all sort of shopping stuff.

Back to my point again... things do not go as plan, it seems like the older you get, the more your plan don't really go your way. Like how I wish to go attend NKOTBSB concert in Jakarta, there's so many factor preventing me from going! There's the visit-relative-in-China trip happening, and I can't even tell if I'm going or not... cos it clashes with NKOTB and BISDS staff training! Brrrr.... life oh what a life!

Lucky thing I just went ahead to book my AirAsia ticket to Danang in Vietnam, I love ancient historical sites, esp if its UNESCO World Heritage sites. Its gonna happen in Sep, and if the baby plan works, then I shall be pregnant when I travel to Danang in Sep?! DOHHhh... if not its that easy to say oh i want to get pregnant now and the stomach will grow... no it doesn't work that way!

Oh my plans my plans.... whatever happen to my big Europe 2012?!! Where is my LONDON-PARIS with my mom?! Before you know it... AirAsia will stop flying to Paris or London....

Ahh... life is reaaallllly uncertain. And i'm not keeping up with the rate of change of all kinds of changes that's happening in and around my life.... suddenly a new camera model is out! Suddenly there's a groupon discount for photobook... suddenly my brother's wife is expecting... suddenly my sayang is flying to Sandakan... suddenly my a concert is cancelled... suddenly it rain....

Can I go back now? yes of course, oblivious to all these fast moving uncertainties encircling the planet.

Congratulation to myself!

I received my letter, promotion from AVP to VP1. I know if I write it on my fb wall its like too much... but its a public open secret anyway!

Initially it was Jack who spoilt my surprise, cos he congratulated me even before I received the letter. So I had no excited when I read the letter.

I'm not sure if I'm proud of my achievement, because it is heavily due to my own high expectation, my personality, my EQ (through my Dhamma work) that sets me apart from my fellow team mates. Am I more knowledgable or skillful than my team mate? Not exactly. I'm actually youngest in my team, and probably worked the least number of years. Yet I'm the only one who got VP1 the rest are still AVP.

Could it be that because I'm "lucky"? Or that my new teamlead really appreciate me? I'm pretty neutral about this so-called promotion. Within 3 years of my banking life, my grade was Assistant Mgr when I started, then emplaced to AVP, now VP1. My teamlead is a VP2. My boss is a FVP. After FVP, got SVP lagi! As you can see, there's many many levels of Vice President.

I don't know if my salary is on par with market rate, and its gonna be difficult to measure. There's always the pro & con, considering the perks, the job nature, the boredom, the traffic jam, the office politics etc. Income is relative. Some people spend less, they can see $$$ in their bank account. Some people earn alot but spend alot and don't see much $ in their bank account.

I will count my blessings for the now and for the future... for making my life pretty as per what I've wanted. As I said before, becareful of what you wished for, cos you don't know that if you might actually get it!

Right now? I just wish for.... a baby!

A New Year Message

I'm trying to write a new year message assuming the role of the president... knowing it takes a long time for him to write. Having read a bombastic-economy-related new year message from a bank ceo... I know this buddhistic message has to scew towards... *oh what the heck, lets plagiariate* oops breaking 2nd precept!
~*~
What a year that was 2011! First we started the intention to purchase a land to build a new centre.... meetings were held with architectures... fund raising projects were planned...

got the buy in from the committees that we should target to raise RM2 million each year...

kickstarted with the Korean cultural show... there we raised abt RMxxx....

then we formed the committee to organise the DINNER for a 1000 people, to reveal the plan for the new centre. Some how with the magic of karma / conditions, we managed to find a big corner shoplot at Ara Damansara for sale! And the EGM was held a day before the FOTG dinner, to get approval from members, to agree for the greenlight to purchase the new premise.

The FOTG eventually raised almost RM1 million! It was huge success, not only in terms of ROI, but also it was the first time we saw many diff english buddhist groups coming together like an all-star, for a grand gospel-like grand choir performance, of the most apt song 'guardian of the sasana'.... it was an eye-opener for many audiences that night! It was a dinner that brought all the thousand gems together.

BGF didn't have chance to rest after that mega fundraising project! She went on to organise the Food & Fun Fair, a fundraising initiative by the gemkids teachers & parents. In deed the last food fair being held 10 years ago.... this time the Food & Fun Fair chaired by bro. Tee managed to raised abt RM94,000... well we may ask, is it all worth it after all the hardwork by everybody, from the aunties / uncles who prepared the food, to the many youth volunteers who helped tirelessly from midnight onwards, to the organisers & sponsors. The answer? Yes it was well worth it!! It was worth every sweat of it... it was memorable to see our old friends sitting together at the same table chit chating and laughing away. Children having fun. Elderly and even the blind enjoyed themselves very much too!

Looks like the fundraising projects are not going to end so soon, as we are still at the shortfall of RM1million, to fully pay off the RM3.5 million new centre. It would be too texting on the same English-medium Buddhist community.... but we need to stretch our hands and legs to reach out and look beyond our community. We are fortunate to have made friends with the nice lady ms. Yudi Yap, who agreed to help us in our next fundraising drive! What initially thought was just a shanghai jazz concert with Yudi turn out to be a duo pact, with another friendly Taiwanese folk singer 曾淑勤 from Taiwan. BGF is proud to present "A Date with Love" or 《人间友勤》on 17-Feb-2012. Yes the timing is just right when Love is in the Air during this Valentine's season, and love is not just between a boy and a girl, its there's also the family, sisterly or even brotherly love! Of course the highest of level - the unconditional Metta love.

At this juncture, BGF is at the threshold of a renewed mission. BGF will continue to inspire and provide the impetus for the growth of Buddhism. With our new centre, BGF’s earnest wish is to continue our efforts in growing people, unearth new talents and skills, as well as inspire individuals from all walks of life! With your continued support, the flame that we lit together decades ago continues to burn stronger and brighter, illuminating the hearts and minds of all beings.

Let us all embrace the new year 2012 with open arms, plan for the best to happen and expect positive transformation. To kickstart the new year, we're glad to host Bhante Sanghasena (MIMC, Ladakh) in the early of January. Starting from February, the Dhammaduta team & DSTP team will bring you "Foundation of Buddhism" course, which will take place during Sunday@BGF timeslot. GemKids parents are most welcome to participate. In April, we will be receiving Ajahn Brahm from Perth, Australia. Then if all things go as planned, we'll be bring together another Food & Fun Fair with better experience & excitement!

There's still a long up hill climb. We believe we will only go... better.

Live and Learn

It's the first night without sayang as he's on his way to Delhi with some of the BGF exco. I'm somewhat looking forward to the solitude at the comfort of my own home. Am I going to complain about my own ocd husband at my blog? Not now after I've attended Jeff Oliver's "Live and Learn" workshop today....

It was good that I can finally put into perspective on why certain unwholesome thoughts appear in my mind. Before today, I was thinking to rant about why I don't feel its good/healthy for both husband & wife to be working in the same organisation, esp when both are very strong-headed /opinionated. Before today, I was quite convinced that I want to step down from Exco role, and let him take over my position, since he's the one who has the most to say.

I wanted to take the back-seat, one car cannot have 2 drivers. Even if he's driving and I'm at the passenger seat, I'm not supposed to give directions whatsoever, and vice-versa. That's how it is.

Coming back to what I've discovered from Jeff Oliver... when you feel hurt, or when you (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt someone else, seek forgiveness! Not just forgiveness from others, we must try to understand the emotions that came about, was it 'selfishness, anger or confusion' that led us to being hurt / hurting people? It is possible that during that moment, we were unwise and we didn't understand the true nature of things, that's why we get upset or we take things for granted or we harm people. Which in the end, we feel guilty or we harm / hurt ourselves. One must learn to FORGIVE oneself. Say "I forgive myself..."

It was very powerful... its true that I was not wise enough to comprehend fully everything. When there is high-expectation, there is high-disappointment! That's the natural law. Of course this 'expectation = desire' led me to another confusion, that is why would a leader set high standard? Whether setting high standard for oneself, or high standard for the company/organisation/team that we work in?

Wish I can clarify this with another Dhamma teacher who's not tooo laid back in the Theravada Vipassana tradition, perhaps someone more socially engaged with the worldly conditions that we currently dwell in.

Yes I can sense / observe that I'm stucked in samsara...

Through mindfulness / awareness practise, I'm noting the thoughts that arises from moment to moment, sometimes I analyse too much, sometimes I don't get it. Mantra sets in... "I forgive myself"

This post is about my experience and what goes through my mind/heart about being with my other half. So this solitude that I've been looking forward to, is for me to be at peace with myself. No expectation, no question to ask, no sight of OCD-behaviour. Just relax...

How can one be in an unconditional-love relationship with a spouse? How can both husband & wife not have any expectation of each other? How can both party truly accept, embrace, forgive, love and care for each other unconditionally?

For Jeff Oliver, he said he can....

For me? I'm still discovering / learning the art of exemplary happy married life!