I wouldn't wanna spell your name out to protect your identity. Urrgggh... like it would help :P There is an Incovarian reading this blog, hope you wouldn't mind. You must have felt quite let down by me, many a times, when you just didn't expect that it could come from me.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter who Lil Star is, as even the song call after his name, begins with the words 'star'. One of my fave song too. I mean, of cos do not ask me how many fave song I have. I'm listening to some classical tunes now. Hey, maybe classical music can help sooth your mood, try Johan Strauss or any of those piano concerto, in B minor or C major, or whatever :P I love classical music alot too! Try Jazz it could help you unwind and relax luxuriously. First you need an audio player, do you have? I download most of the songs, simply search Pachelbel or Richard Clayderman.
Wait, this letter is about you. I couldn't figure out any poem as that, to dedicate to you, as I'm still trying to put my thoughts into words. The thoughts are mixed up, as I've not encountered any complicated being like you.
You for one, share the same birthday with me, but not the same year. Because if you did, you'd have more confidence and strengh to stand tall, and stand brimming with pride! :) I do not know how dog-year born child would feel so deserted like you, as my brother and my cousins are example of dog-year born babies. They have many many friends around them just like you. And they are quite happy being with their group of friends. Maybe, they were not as intelligent as you, as to question so much of why, and need to search for reason to be, the clinging to attachment.
Misery comes with couldn't let go, in other words attachment. You know you've learnt how hard it is for you to let go something you're truly passionate about. It's very very hard indeed, esp for a passionate full-of-life living being. To let go is very difficult.
My message is along these lines, I do not want you to become like me. I've been through chaotic cheesy lame messy issue with my heart, because I couldn't let go. I dont think I'm suffering from the same thing now, but there is this 'energy trap' inside my heart, because aunty Jenny said I dun 'let go' the air. I do not really understand WHY the "air" is trapped inside me. How did I trap it? With what mechanism? How do I let go the "air"?
Of course, from medical point of view, I could just go see a doctor, and get diagnosed for the return of hyperthyroid, take medication, include that propranolol (?!) for palpitation. So, how is your heartbeat rate? Is it normal? Normal pulse is 60-70+ right? Well, lately my pulse rate is 100++ :P
Enery / air trap inside because I couldn't let go the steam, it is especially related to my estranged best friend. I've never felt like I missed a best friend so much that I would cry, but I felt disappointed, somewhat betrayed by my closest best friend. The 'steam' inside could actually agitate me to call her a bitch, and nothing but a bitch. It's kinda dangerous to see me trapping air inside.
And the part where you'll graduate soon and feel aimless in life? That 'energy' is shared by everyone on the same level as you. Even adults at 40 or 55 still feels that misery of worry for their uncertain future that is quite unpredictable. I felt truly pathetic, I got no words to describe, my life after graduation, when I had nothing else in mind but Europe, to the extend that I was so willing to take up a contract job without epf and feel nothing bad about it.
Well, I'll quote one Bro. Tan Ho Soon said, in one talk during camp, when I was the MC, he said "True love is letting go". I cried. I dont remember how it affected me, maybe I was imagining myself letting go of pisces guy.
I can feel your affection / passion on your madness about one sweet dude. Yet, there is nothing much you or he can do, or maybe got. You temporary put down and let go the thoughts, and do something good for yourself first. Then after you're gain your values, happiness and strenght, you then can smile at him brimming.
It doesn't matter if things work out or not, if you love somebody, you only wish / hope / want that person to be happy. Once you start to pull the love inward to yourself, then it becomes the conditional love, which causes anxiety and heartache. Try to love with unconditional love, aka Metta, you can still feel the happiness around you, or him, or anybody who walk around you.
Relate to the Dhamma, there is so much you can learn from your own experience, through those blogs you've posted. I could relate to each anxiety to 'unsatisfactoriness' which is the essence of the 1st Noble Truth.
Rise up high, head held high, shoulders up, feet step firmly on the ground, smile even 0.1 inch, breath in the fresh air! Journey of a thousand mile begins with a single step. And success is not the destination but the journey. Smell the flower along the journey through your destination.
Bottom line is, enjoy the fragrance of the flowers of the path you're walking here and now. It's the journey that is important, not the destination.
I wish you would be sincerely thankful and happy for all the great friends you have around you, in your campus, in sundayschool. I see more happiness for you than misery. You share the same birthday as me doh!
Your future is bright, you have the capacity to THiNK and PLAN. Of course please try to 'see far', you know one Chinese saying "step back one step, sky & ocean become wide", or another one "climb higher up the tower, you can see further!".
Try to un-Virgo yourself abit, capatilize on the positive Virgo-strength. Think long term. Use your head to think, but also listen to your heart. If you can, think further, of a supramundane life ahead :P haha...
Take a break, a kitkat. Be thankful and cherish the moments of being with amazing friends you have around you.
Also eat more fruits & protein. You're too thin, I mean maybe if you're bigger size, you can walk more struttedly! haha.
Alright, hope you get my point. If any of my message doesn't cut across as significant to you :P sorry for wasting your time.
Love,
just me
Friday, February 18, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
...and I continue bitching...
:) u're right ! It's very very "harsh" to call a girl bitch or slut..
bt that's what I think. It doesn't concern any Jason or Finnish Joni,
or Nicolas or aabubba... not even Christianity.
she wasn't "bitchy" to me on purpose, she doesn't realise what she's
doing that people close to her can see.
in her blog, when she wrote that she saw Leng Sim's link to my
fotopages, she didn't know why, since I'm not close to her form 6
friend. But she doesn't know the power of email. I privately keep in
touch with Leng Sim, her bestfriend in form 6, and find out about her
family through her sister. Why did I write to Sim? Becos one point in
time, J had argument / misunderstanding with Sim, from then on Sim
never really "choi" her anymore. So that's one thing, I want to find
out, how did Sim ever forgive her? Well, Sim never really bother, she
doesn't care about J anymore. So you see, how her form 6 reunion
gathering, they dun bother to call J.
ur friend problem is about being a bitch (for me & Sim & aabubba),
bottom line. before this, I really dun want to "paint" that bitch
image of her, and screw up your mind. You have to "see" things for
yourself, try to understand her, why is she like that. I still dont
want her to live a confusing miserable life in the future, without
knowing what her friends truly think of her, if she were to find out,
it will surely hurt her even more badly.
look at the way she dress. before this in school, her uniform was so
long below knee. But go Europe, she wear spaghetti strap, strapless
bra, by herself, with all the gweilo... will u dare to wear like that?
Of cos is her choice. But she's confused about why I always "talk abt
her dressing". She got angry with me for "asking" her why she wear so
sexy in the holland photo. She got angry too becos I asked the SAME
question her father asked.
Aileen Cheah, my agent, ahem... well no, she saw J paktoh with Jason
one day in 1U, but J cudn't even recognise Aileen, although she was
standing right infront of her. Aileen called me to "double confirm" if
it was J, becos she was with an Indian man. Aileen was really
"stunned" to hear me say yes, J is with an Indian man. According to
Aileen, the way she behave REALLY different from the girl that we
all once know. Her sexy dressing, her intimacy with a guy. The
funniest thing Aileen quoted to me, "I think she must have went to bed
with him already, as a married woman I know, I can tell". That part, I
laughed my head off.
Call me a bitch now for kutuking ur friend. Back then, during our
chats, she used to call me a slut, while I call her openly BITCH.
SHe's OK with it, becos it was just a joke. But it's just hard to
accept her as a bitch, as a matter of factly.
Aabubba also "fan min" with J before me. Right after Holland trip,
when J did'n't go online, never update / talk to aabubba. (she can
just "stop" going online becos Jason say its a waste of time mah...)
Aabubba didn't know J already got Jason bf. It was easy for him to
just fan min with a girl he never met and doesn't affect him. But it
took me a really long time to really finally call it -- enough.
She doesn't have "so many faces"... only 3 faces.. 1 for old close
friends, 1 for her family, 1 for jason. I always feel she's not been
"kind" enough to her family, since last time when she always talk
rudely to her only brother. Ask her brother anytime, if he likes his
eldest sister - doh. Yet, in her mind she thinks she's an angel to her
family.
Have you ever wonder what happen to all her "old" friends? Just gone &
vanish? Remember she had GK2 friends? Where are they now? One of her
best friend in GK2 name Fay. One side she's so close to her (that I
get abit left out becos I dunno Fay), after sometime, she started to
kutuk Fay, her good friend, calling her bitch... I feel that a friend
will always be ur friend... why bloody kutuk Fay behind her back if
u're still her friend?
for the record la... i dun have any regret, guilty feeling. I
understand J from all her used-to-be friends, like Sim and aabubba...
rest assured, I'm not alone. Even her sister wrote to me and ask me
why I still care for her, as she doesn't deserve a friend like me, who
privately go ask abt her family. Her sister got nothing more to update
me, cos their family life has changed since Jason came, and
everyone in their family has been "avoiding" her sister / Jason.
It's very sad to hear that, your grandma felt she 'dunno who you are'
anymore, and having your beloved father who threatens to 'disown' u.
Just imagine that it happen to u, ur father will disown u, u're no
more Tay family member. That's the most tragic thing to happen to me,
I'm too proud to be a Quek family member.
... remember it has nothing to do with jason...
GO CHANGE UR WORKING LIFE!! Change is unavoidable, only with Change
you can improve, or climb higher.. or else u'll be stagnant. But dun
pressure urself too much to change faster... change at ur own pace.
I'm all for your change of job, change of career if you want. Learn
about finance matter more, learn how the share market works, learn how
insurance can protect ur future, learn how to invest, learn to set a
goal in your long term life.
How financially stable you want your future to be? If you dont see
urself living in bungalo, drive BMW.. then dun have to work so hard.
How "simple" is ur future life? How do you see urself in 10 - 20 years
time? Think about long term, and then start ur planning today.
regards,
mei joon
PS: if u plan to have a bf in ur future, then start planning /
strategizing to hook one now too :P ask ur friend teach u, she surely know how. :P
bt that's what I think. It doesn't concern any Jason or Finnish Joni,
or Nicolas or aabubba... not even Christianity.
she wasn't "bitchy" to me on purpose, she doesn't realise what she's
doing that people close to her can see.
in her blog, when she wrote that she saw Leng Sim's link to my
fotopages, she didn't know why, since I'm not close to her form 6
friend. But she doesn't know the power of email. I privately keep in
touch with Leng Sim, her bestfriend in form 6, and find out about her
family through her sister. Why did I write to Sim? Becos one point in
time, J had argument / misunderstanding with Sim, from then on Sim
never really "choi" her anymore. So that's one thing, I want to find
out, how did Sim ever forgive her? Well, Sim never really bother, she
doesn't care about J anymore. So you see, how her form 6 reunion
gathering, they dun bother to call J.
ur friend problem is about being a bitch (for me & Sim & aabubba),
bottom line. before this, I really dun want to "paint" that bitch
image of her, and screw up your mind. You have to "see" things for
yourself, try to understand her, why is she like that. I still dont
want her to live a confusing miserable life in the future, without
knowing what her friends truly think of her, if she were to find out,
it will surely hurt her even more badly.
look at the way she dress. before this in school, her uniform was so
long below knee. But go Europe, she wear spaghetti strap, strapless
bra, by herself, with all the gweilo... will u dare to wear like that?
Of cos is her choice. But she's confused about why I always "talk abt
her dressing". She got angry with me for "asking" her why she wear so
sexy in the holland photo. She got angry too becos I asked the SAME
question her father asked.
Aileen Cheah, my agent, ahem... well no, she saw J paktoh with Jason
one day in 1U, but J cudn't even recognise Aileen, although she was
standing right infront of her. Aileen called me to "double confirm" if
it was J, becos she was with an Indian man. Aileen was really
"stunned" to hear me say yes, J is with an Indian man. According to
Aileen, the way she behave REALLY different from the girl that we
all once know. Her sexy dressing, her intimacy with a guy. The
funniest thing Aileen quoted to me, "I think she must have went to bed
with him already, as a married woman I know, I can tell". That part, I
laughed my head off.
Call me a bitch now for kutuking ur friend. Back then, during our
chats, she used to call me a slut, while I call her openly BITCH.
SHe's OK with it, becos it was just a joke. But it's just hard to
accept her as a bitch, as a matter of factly.
Aabubba also "fan min" with J before me. Right after Holland trip,
when J did'n't go online, never update / talk to aabubba. (she can
just "stop" going online becos Jason say its a waste of time mah...)
Aabubba didn't know J already got Jason bf. It was easy for him to
just fan min with a girl he never met and doesn't affect him. But it
took me a really long time to really finally call it -- enough.
She doesn't have "so many faces"... only 3 faces.. 1 for old close
friends, 1 for her family, 1 for jason. I always feel she's not been
"kind" enough to her family, since last time when she always talk
rudely to her only brother. Ask her brother anytime, if he likes his
eldest sister - doh. Yet, in her mind she thinks she's an angel to her
family.
Have you ever wonder what happen to all her "old" friends? Just gone &
vanish? Remember she had GK2 friends? Where are they now? One of her
best friend in GK2 name Fay. One side she's so close to her (that I
get abit left out becos I dunno Fay), after sometime, she started to
kutuk Fay, her good friend, calling her bitch... I feel that a friend
will always be ur friend... why bloody kutuk Fay behind her back if
u're still her friend?
for the record la... i dun have any regret, guilty feeling. I
understand J from all her used-to-be friends, like Sim and aabubba...
rest assured, I'm not alone. Even her sister wrote to me and ask me
why I still care for her, as she doesn't deserve a friend like me, who
privately go ask abt her family. Her sister got nothing more to update
me, cos their family life has changed since Jason came, and
everyone in their family has been "avoiding" her sister / Jason.
It's very sad to hear that, your grandma felt she 'dunno who you are'
anymore, and having your beloved father who threatens to 'disown' u.
Just imagine that it happen to u, ur father will disown u, u're no
more Tay family member. That's the most tragic thing to happen to me,
I'm too proud to be a Quek family member.
... remember it has nothing to do with jason...
GO CHANGE UR WORKING LIFE!! Change is unavoidable, only with Change
you can improve, or climb higher.. or else u'll be stagnant. But dun
pressure urself too much to change faster... change at ur own pace.
I'm all for your change of job, change of career if you want. Learn
about finance matter more, learn how the share market works, learn how
insurance can protect ur future, learn how to invest, learn to set a
goal in your long term life.
How financially stable you want your future to be? If you dont see
urself living in bungalo, drive BMW.. then dun have to work so hard.
How "simple" is ur future life? How do you see urself in 10 - 20 years
time? Think about long term, and then start ur planning today.
regards,
mei joon
PS: if u plan to have a bf in ur future, then start planning /
strategizing to hook one now too :P ask ur friend teach u, she surely know how. :P
...finally YT understood me?!! ...
i started to undertand why u hate her so much! she is like the chic in
movie like to flirt a lot but still act innocent. she can do so much
for a guy but not for her friend. that's the reason u and her not as
close as last time. u dislike her not because she is going out with
jason yet bcoz she acted so "bitchy" to u. am i rite? if i'm wrong pls
correct me.
u know why before this i still side on her? because i never see so
many faces of hers like what u hv saw.
that's all i can think of now. this evening i'm going for second
interview at a place near my house. i really wish to have a change in
my working life!
luv,
yt
movie like to flirt a lot but still act innocent. she can do so much
for a guy but not for her friend. that's the reason u and her not as
close as last time. u dislike her not because she is going out with
jason yet bcoz she acted so "bitchy" to u. am i rite? if i'm wrong pls
correct me.
u know why before this i still side on her? because i never see so
many faces of hers like what u hv saw.
that's all i can think of now. this evening i'm going for second
interview at a place near my house. i really wish to have a change in
my working life!
luv,
yt
my reply to YT's long email ;-)
wahh.. so long wan!! but still finish reading liow.... err.. dun
burst... or burst if u wan... busy at work... still itchy want to
reply... short short la..
On Tue, 15 Feb 2005 08:47:29 +0800, YT wrote:
> I only can say u r very proud of ur own religion!
ahem... if u say that... i wont disagree... ahem... even if u ask any
faithful christian who go church every sunday, they are also proud of
their own religion wat.. but im really honoured to be around to learn
more about other ppl's religion, esp from those proud people. They're
proud becos they really know and they appreciate their knowledge alot
and always willing to share. I dun really have problem with discussing
issues with proud people anyway.. more challenging!! :P haha.. if u
see how daniel and me discuss about God... damn.... essay writing sooo
long... in the end no win no lose, we're still good friends!! In the
end, i know why he believe in God, and he understand why i didn't
believe in God.
> Honestly I hv no stand in religion. I really believe in moderation.
> Everything should go moderate not extreme.
... if u can say 'believe in moderation'... that's cool enough...
that's the 'take home' message of Buddha... to live the middle way -
moderation.
> I remember I told a friend, I never get too close with other ppl. I
> will pull myself backward if I think that I tell too much to one
> person. Maybe all virgo is the same.
.. that's why virgo ppl probably have a private blog or diary...even
if i have a blog, I'll not be like J, showing it to others. I even so
scared to let u read my blog! Anyway, people dun really know what's
inside me too... its like u feel 'naked' when u started to reveal your
protective shield...
> I really dunno what myself want. What kind
> of career I'm looking for, what kind of future I'm looking for and
> what type of life I want to live! I really feel my life is very
> miserable at this stage.
... its call quarterlife crisis... midlife crisis is at the age 40...
tat time u'll have to go thru another round of 'miserability'... and
u're not alone in searching for asnwer... cos that's what everyone
who's long life enough have to go thru... quarterlife crisis!!
>If I'm helping other ppl I will be wondering I'm helping them because I want to help them or I just want other ppl know that I'm a helpful person so that ppl will think I'm a good person?
doh... that's so funny... this question i never think about before and
even if need asnwer, only need to asnwer sendiri... i think i "want"
the experience of being a volunteer abroad... whether I'm helpful or
not... that never cross my mind :P.. like going for backpack
travelling, its not to prove that I'm independant or not... its the
"experience" that I want...
> She is not afraid to tell other ppl she loves
> Jason although her family doesn't agree with her!
still dunno why i dun admire her la... maybe nobody can really
understand me la, after what I've known. And like u say, u're always
last to know, by the time u know, u also dun really know head or
tail... u just accept it like a normal story... I think if it happens
to my other friends, suddenly i found out they got bf... no big
deal... got one friend (your age) registered already more than a year
ago... nothing wrong what! Even Aileen Cheah, delivered 2 babies
already... doesn't mean I dun talk to her anymore!! haha..
maybe time will tell... and let u discover what the heck is my problem
with J...
> I really think that nothing wrong for a Chinese to marry an Indian and nothing wrong from a Buddhist to marry a Christian moreover she is a Christian now!
I also dun think it's a problem to have interracial marriages,
children become more 'colorful'. But interreligion marriages might
cause "friction" if both side also very stubborn and "hoping" each
other to convert, but for Jasonaish case, both same religion, so it
shud not be a friction, where both expect to see each other in heaven
together.
> can't be sure that they will live happily ever after but I'm sure that
> at this moment both of them love each other very much.
... who dunno leh.... anybody also know lah...
.. i cut out one very cheong hei part... next ..
> For me if my life partner is not what
> my family wants I will probably keep it to myself first I will not
> fight for it as long as my parents still around.
... we're chinese.... our parents will always be around.. even if they
passed away, we still have to 'jaga' their grave or put them on ur
alter. That's what my typical traditional parents think la. Maybe
they're setting a great responsibility for me to follow. My mother
took her of her sick / heavy / vegetable / stroke patient father until
he died, she did so much for him. My dad also support his mom all the
way until she died. Now left my grandma, my mom bring her go holiday
to China, always give her money, always ask ME & my bro to give
grandma money... see lah, with that 'pressure', u think my parents
will ever "go away"?? My mom now is expecting ME to "jaga" her now
that she wants to resign... within 2 month!! Her greatest worry, is
that I "leave" her and dun support her.
... my dad also dun encourage me to work oversea, cos he cannot tahan being with my nagging mom alone... I'm his entertainment... like THAT you see, I sei mo... basically I'm like the centre of my house... grandma also I need to entertain... tonight my mom wants me to join her go old folks home in Sg. Way... go give angpow to the old folks that I never meet before.... sei mo....
> I always think that parents only be with u for the first part of ur life so I choose to spend my beginning part of my life with my parents. Then I will spend the second part of my life with the love one if that person willing to wait for me
.... 1st part of my life.. my parents support me... 2nd part of my
life... i support my parents... 3rd part, if I'm still alive... I
become lou koo poh already...
> Not that I'm cursing my parents to death but sometime I
> will think what would I become when they are not around *think too
> much* . The best thing will be I can hv my life with my love one and my parents and family at the same time!!
.. if my parents are no longer around... I wont be in Malaysia
anymore... seriously... I've wished to go abroad for studies / work
since I was in primary school...
> I was so out of the life for one time that I dunno who
> is ababa I dunno who is who in the internet circle we used to hang
> with.
.... that's why... i feel sorry too that u're really left out...
infact when i feel leftout, i sendiri feel bad... cos each time i meet
up wtih internet friend, i surely ask J go along. But when she go and
meet her handsome penpal, she didn't even TELL me she went. She went alone, and THEN after that tell me. damn... not just one time. She KNOWS all my guy-internet friend... even aabubba, was 1st my friend, then I intro to her... then we 3 become good friends... then u know what? the year she went to Holland.. she was "dating" aabubba WITHOUT my KNOWLEDGE!!! DAMN!! She knows I really "like" aabubba too... sometimes, when u ask me what i think of her... she's a slut...or a bitch. Maybe it sounded harsh to u, and obviously she'll feel the pain if I say that. She ALREADY have Jason that time, still she go meet her Finland friend in KL ALONE (without telling me), she send aabubba "big expensive" gifts all the way to USA (yeah she got no money to makan with us on our birthday, but she got all the money to send big parcel to aabubba in US).
Aabubba stopped talking to her, becos he "found" out from me, she was 'busy' with other guys at the time, he was 'missing' her. J even gave aabubba her phone number!! He called her twice... and J was so stupid... to think it was NICOLAS the FRENCH GUY. So aabubba felt really pathetic to have a friend like J, who has so many 'guys' friend and STILL want to "flirt" with him. Aabuba pretended to be "NICOLAS" over the phone for the 2 times he called her.
Remember before she went to Holland, she got confused over NICOLAS, after she wrote email to him (the real), he never reply her. So she didn't go to France, but went to Finland instead - to stay for free with her Finnish guy friend.
REMEMBER when we planned for our europe trip LONG time ago, i wanted to go Finland, atleast to meet Anna (my best penpal since form2). I remembered so well J didn't want to go Finland, cos its too far. And I felt quite .. errm... u know la... ok, so I have to "forget" Finland in our BIg europe plan. ALL THE WHILE I keep thinking - no Finland - then until the DAY she flew to Finland, to be with her guy friend - what u want me to say ah????????
Coming back.... she didn't know how i feel inside, when I see she got
so many "guy" friends and having Jason at the same time.
THE WORST part about being with Jason, is how she DARE to go MELAKA ALONE by herself to meet him. Did u know I teman her all the way to Penang for her interview at Agilent, by bus. I bought bus tickets for her, I thought I was being "helpful" as a friend... I thought she's so 'blur' that she needed a teman to go ALL the way to Penang with her for her interview. She stayed at my cousin place too. My cousin drive
her and me all the way to Penang island for her interview.
WHY did she 'behave' like she's blur, or she's 'weak' to me... BUT for
a GUY, she's willing to do it alone? She dare to call me to ask me
where to buy the bus ticket in Puduraya. How can she do this? She is
actually THAT brave? How come I never know it before?
Why the hell did she always complain that my car is hot, always
complain my aircon is not big enough... always complain the sun is
hot... dun like to walk to the LRT station.... all this... can bottle
up inside me.... everything she complain... even 'behave' like she's
scared of the bus, the traffic jam... each time cross the road, i must
pull her hand to cross. THAT I'm really....
DO NOT deceive me... u are brave... u are so daring... for love... for
jason... but u are such a *&^^%#$ with me.
I helped her with her school assignment... with her website... with
her French club presentation...
before holland... i teman her go MSL to do youth card... i write down
budget planning for her...
I gave her 2 bouquet of flowers for her convo.. one from both of us,
another bigger one, i bought for her parents to give her, without
asking for money back.
Have u "seen" her convo picture? No.
sometimes... i really wish to tell her... from the bottom of my
heart... fuck off.
am really sorry u have to cry to hear me so aching inside.... she'll
never know.
> So my conclusion is im confused with the relation of j and Jason, j
> and her family, Jason and her family, j and u, u and Jason, me and j,
> me and Jason, Christian n Buddhist, j and Buddhist, j and Christian, u
> n Christian, me n myself and I dunno where is my stand already so I
> choose to run away from this matter. Just make it simple. J is with
> Jason, we still good friend. I wish one day her family can accept it.
> Three of us still can go out for movie like last time and chitchat
> during dinner time ….
...fat hope... dream on... with that much hurt inside... even if I
dun care about her anymore... or treat her like another human being...
it wont be the same... there is this thorn between us... u didn't feel
that thorn so its ok... hopefully u wont have to suffer that way...
.... whatever u're going thru.... everybody go thru the same stage...
its good to have a channel to blow out ur steam.... try to blow ur
steam somewhere.. anywhere...
... when i mean EVERYONE, i mean everyone, J included... who have to
go thru life, the hard way...
regards, MJ
burst... or burst if u wan... busy at work... still itchy want to
reply... short short la..
On Tue, 15 Feb 2005 08:47:29 +0800, YT wrote:
> I only can say u r very proud of ur own religion!
ahem... if u say that... i wont disagree... ahem... even if u ask any
faithful christian who go church every sunday, they are also proud of
their own religion wat.. but im really honoured to be around to learn
more about other ppl's religion, esp from those proud people. They're
proud becos they really know and they appreciate their knowledge alot
and always willing to share. I dun really have problem with discussing
issues with proud people anyway.. more challenging!! :P haha.. if u
see how daniel and me discuss about God... damn.... essay writing sooo
long... in the end no win no lose, we're still good friends!! In the
end, i know why he believe in God, and he understand why i didn't
believe in God.
> Honestly I hv no stand in religion. I really believe in moderation.
> Everything should go moderate not extreme.
... if u can say 'believe in moderation'... that's cool enough...
that's the 'take home' message of Buddha... to live the middle way -
moderation.
> I remember I told a friend, I never get too close with other ppl. I
> will pull myself backward if I think that I tell too much to one
> person. Maybe all virgo is the same.
.. that's why virgo ppl probably have a private blog or diary...even
if i have a blog, I'll not be like J, showing it to others. I even so
scared to let u read my blog! Anyway, people dun really know what's
inside me too... its like u feel 'naked' when u started to reveal your
protective shield...
> I really dunno what myself want. What kind
> of career I'm looking for, what kind of future I'm looking for and
> what type of life I want to live! I really feel my life is very
> miserable at this stage.
... its call quarterlife crisis... midlife crisis is at the age 40...
tat time u'll have to go thru another round of 'miserability'... and
u're not alone in searching for asnwer... cos that's what everyone
who's long life enough have to go thru... quarterlife crisis!!
>If I'm helping other ppl I will be wondering I'm helping them because I want to help them or I just want other ppl know that I'm a helpful person so that ppl will think I'm a good person?
doh... that's so funny... this question i never think about before and
even if need asnwer, only need to asnwer sendiri... i think i "want"
the experience of being a volunteer abroad... whether I'm helpful or
not... that never cross my mind :P.. like going for backpack
travelling, its not to prove that I'm independant or not... its the
"experience" that I want...
> She is not afraid to tell other ppl she loves
> Jason although her family doesn't agree with her!
still dunno why i dun admire her la... maybe nobody can really
understand me la, after what I've known. And like u say, u're always
last to know, by the time u know, u also dun really know head or
tail... u just accept it like a normal story... I think if it happens
to my other friends, suddenly i found out they got bf... no big
deal... got one friend (your age) registered already more than a year
ago... nothing wrong what! Even Aileen Cheah, delivered 2 babies
already... doesn't mean I dun talk to her anymore!! haha..
maybe time will tell... and let u discover what the heck is my problem
with J...
> I really think that nothing wrong for a Chinese to marry an Indian and nothing wrong from a Buddhist to marry a Christian moreover she is a Christian now!
I also dun think it's a problem to have interracial marriages,
children become more 'colorful'. But interreligion marriages might
cause "friction" if both side also very stubborn and "hoping" each
other to convert, but for Jasonaish case, both same religion, so it
shud not be a friction, where both expect to see each other in heaven
together.
> can't be sure that they will live happily ever after but I'm sure that
> at this moment both of them love each other very much.
... who dunno leh.... anybody also know lah...
.. i cut out one very cheong hei part... next ..
> For me if my life partner is not what
> my family wants I will probably keep it to myself first I will not
> fight for it as long as my parents still around.
... we're chinese.... our parents will always be around.. even if they
passed away, we still have to 'jaga' their grave or put them on ur
alter. That's what my typical traditional parents think la. Maybe
they're setting a great responsibility for me to follow. My mother
took her of her sick / heavy / vegetable / stroke patient father until
he died, she did so much for him. My dad also support his mom all the
way until she died. Now left my grandma, my mom bring her go holiday
to China, always give her money, always ask ME & my bro to give
grandma money... see lah, with that 'pressure', u think my parents
will ever "go away"?? My mom now is expecting ME to "jaga" her now
that she wants to resign... within 2 month!! Her greatest worry, is
that I "leave" her and dun support her.
... my dad also dun encourage me to work oversea, cos he cannot tahan being with my nagging mom alone... I'm his entertainment... like THAT you see, I sei mo... basically I'm like the centre of my house... grandma also I need to entertain... tonight my mom wants me to join her go old folks home in Sg. Way... go give angpow to the old folks that I never meet before.... sei mo....
> I always think that parents only be with u for the first part of ur life so I choose to spend my beginning part of my life with my parents. Then I will spend the second part of my life with the love one if that person willing to wait for me
.... 1st part of my life.. my parents support me... 2nd part of my
life... i support my parents... 3rd part, if I'm still alive... I
become lou koo poh already...
> Not that I'm cursing my parents to death but sometime I
> will think what would I become when they are not around *think too
> much* . The best thing will be I can hv my life with my love one and my parents and family at the same time!!
.. if my parents are no longer around... I wont be in Malaysia
anymore... seriously... I've wished to go abroad for studies / work
since I was in primary school...
> I was so out of the life for one time that I dunno who
> is ababa I dunno who is who in the internet circle we used to hang
> with.
.... that's why... i feel sorry too that u're really left out...
infact when i feel leftout, i sendiri feel bad... cos each time i meet
up wtih internet friend, i surely ask J go along. But when she go and
meet her handsome penpal, she didn't even TELL me she went. She went alone, and THEN after that tell me. damn... not just one time. She KNOWS all my guy-internet friend... even aabubba, was 1st my friend, then I intro to her... then we 3 become good friends... then u know what? the year she went to Holland.. she was "dating" aabubba WITHOUT my KNOWLEDGE!!! DAMN!! She knows I really "like" aabubba too... sometimes, when u ask me what i think of her... she's a slut...or a bitch. Maybe it sounded harsh to u, and obviously she'll feel the pain if I say that. She ALREADY have Jason that time, still she go meet her Finland friend in KL ALONE (without telling me), she send aabubba "big expensive" gifts all the way to USA (yeah she got no money to makan with us on our birthday, but she got all the money to send big parcel to aabubba in US).
Aabubba stopped talking to her, becos he "found" out from me, she was 'busy' with other guys at the time, he was 'missing' her. J even gave aabubba her phone number!! He called her twice... and J was so stupid... to think it was NICOLAS the FRENCH GUY. So aabubba felt really pathetic to have a friend like J, who has so many 'guys' friend and STILL want to "flirt" with him. Aabuba pretended to be "NICOLAS" over the phone for the 2 times he called her.
Remember before she went to Holland, she got confused over NICOLAS, after she wrote email to him (the real), he never reply her. So she didn't go to France, but went to Finland instead - to stay for free with her Finnish guy friend.
REMEMBER when we planned for our europe trip LONG time ago, i wanted to go Finland, atleast to meet Anna (my best penpal since form2). I remembered so well J didn't want to go Finland, cos its too far. And I felt quite .. errm... u know la... ok, so I have to "forget" Finland in our BIg europe plan. ALL THE WHILE I keep thinking - no Finland - then until the DAY she flew to Finland, to be with her guy friend - what u want me to say ah????????
Coming back.... she didn't know how i feel inside, when I see she got
so many "guy" friends and having Jason at the same time.
THE WORST part about being with Jason, is how she DARE to go MELAKA ALONE by herself to meet him. Did u know I teman her all the way to Penang for her interview at Agilent, by bus. I bought bus tickets for her, I thought I was being "helpful" as a friend... I thought she's so 'blur' that she needed a teman to go ALL the way to Penang with her for her interview. She stayed at my cousin place too. My cousin drive
her and me all the way to Penang island for her interview.
WHY did she 'behave' like she's blur, or she's 'weak' to me... BUT for
a GUY, she's willing to do it alone? She dare to call me to ask me
where to buy the bus ticket in Puduraya. How can she do this? She is
actually THAT brave? How come I never know it before?
Why the hell did she always complain that my car is hot, always
complain my aircon is not big enough... always complain the sun is
hot... dun like to walk to the LRT station.... all this... can bottle
up inside me.... everything she complain... even 'behave' like she's
scared of the bus, the traffic jam... each time cross the road, i must
pull her hand to cross. THAT I'm really....
DO NOT deceive me... u are brave... u are so daring... for love... for
jason... but u are such a *&^^%#$ with me.
I helped her with her school assignment... with her website... with
her French club presentation...
before holland... i teman her go MSL to do youth card... i write down
budget planning for her...
I gave her 2 bouquet of flowers for her convo.. one from both of us,
another bigger one, i bought for her parents to give her, without
asking for money back.
Have u "seen" her convo picture? No.
sometimes... i really wish to tell her... from the bottom of my
heart... fuck off.
am really sorry u have to cry to hear me so aching inside.... she'll
never know.
> So my conclusion is im confused with the relation of j and Jason, j
> and her family, Jason and her family, j and u, u and Jason, me and j,
> me and Jason, Christian n Buddhist, j and Buddhist, j and Christian, u
> n Christian, me n myself and I dunno where is my stand already so I
> choose to run away from this matter. Just make it simple. J is with
> Jason, we still good friend. I wish one day her family can accept it.
> Three of us still can go out for movie like last time and chitchat
> during dinner time ….
...fat hope... dream on... with that much hurt inside... even if I
dun care about her anymore... or treat her like another human being...
it wont be the same... there is this thorn between us... u didn't feel
that thorn so its ok... hopefully u wont have to suffer that way...
.... whatever u're going thru.... everybody go thru the same stage...
its good to have a channel to blow out ur steam.... try to blow ur
steam somewhere.. anywhere...
... when i mean EVERYONE, i mean everyone, J included... who have to
go thru life, the hard way...
regards, MJ
Monday, February 14, 2005
~ Valentine's Day! ~
It was really really sweet to receive a bunch of flowers on Valentine's day - African Daisies - from Adrian! :) oooooh.. but that's just a sweet gesture, he bought Soongie, Foong Wei and mom flowers too! :) *aaaaaawwww... :P
Anyway... so I drove all the way to KLIA to meet up with them, luckily could still meet up with Foong Wei who was on her way flying off to Sydney for 2 years for studies. I bought along an imaginary bouquet of flower for Foong Wei too! Well since it's imaginary, its up to me to describe how big, how many stocks of roses, how beautiful the HK style bouquet is!! hehe... well, I'm not sure who else reads this, so I cant tell who asked me buy and give this flower to her. But anyway, that somebody owes me a drink, all the more because I saved money for him!! haha... maybe he can pay me back with imaginary cash. It's NOT cheap you know, to buy flowers on Valentine's day, in the airport?!
Anyway, I was already brimming with joy & contentment. :) Well, why is that so? It'll be another story, in another diary, not for public viewing! haha. I "almost" got a date! haha... but was postponed. Doh! Still... I smiled all way driving to KLIA.
On my way back from KLIA, *beep *beep on my hp. I know it should be from Foong Wei :) Surely she'll thank us for coming - yep. Indeed, my 6th sense almost rarely fails. Hehe.
Sweet wishes to everyone. A Toast to joy & hope & love. It doesn't have to be that boy-girl thing you know, just be proud and happy that you love somebody, anybody and you're happy, there and then!
*clinngggg! (sound of a toast)
Anyway... so I drove all the way to KLIA to meet up with them, luckily could still meet up with Foong Wei who was on her way flying off to Sydney for 2 years for studies. I bought along an imaginary bouquet of flower for Foong Wei too! Well since it's imaginary, its up to me to describe how big, how many stocks of roses, how beautiful the HK style bouquet is!! hehe... well, I'm not sure who else reads this, so I cant tell who asked me buy and give this flower to her. But anyway, that somebody owes me a drink, all the more because I saved money for him!! haha... maybe he can pay me back with imaginary cash. It's NOT cheap you know, to buy flowers on Valentine's day, in the airport?!
Anyway, I was already brimming with joy & contentment. :) Well, why is that so? It'll be another story, in another diary, not for public viewing! haha. I "almost" got a date! haha... but was postponed. Doh! Still... I smiled all way driving to KLIA.
On my way back from KLIA, *beep *beep on my hp. I know it should be from Foong Wei :) Surely she'll thank us for coming - yep. Indeed, my 6th sense almost rarely fails. Hehe.
Sweet wishes to everyone. A Toast to joy & hope & love. It doesn't have to be that boy-girl thing you know, just be proud and happy that you love somebody, anybody and you're happy, there and then!
*clinngggg! (sound of a toast)
Saturday, February 05, 2005
From Joon to YT#4 - not again!
hey,
you gotta read this one I JUST found :)
http://jasonaish.blogspot.com/2005/01/she-was-my-best-friend.html
she 'finally' wrote about me! haha.. well, that is nice and sweet. Of
cos there's a part she wrote "I was a little pissed, because I thought she's the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen. She wrote about racial unity, she's angry because we Malaysians are not coming together as a true blue Malaysian."
I actually laughed at myself for seeing that. *phew.. luckily she didn't "find" my truly personal blog that I expressed my thoughts and prayers for her. Ahem, I think you also dunno I have that blog, becos I cant share my diary with anyone.
She found both our fotopages, and she cried becos in all the pictures, she's not inside.
Can you "see" what I'm trying to show you? In my last bloody long
hole-in-the-heart email that I wrote, more than one year ago, it was
very very hurtful to her. But have anyone told you before "the truth
hurts".
I know my words were (are) sharp, becos I had too much grudges inside me, that is even affecting my health. Around 2 years ago I was under hyperthyroid medication, and now it's returning. My weight is losing, and my hair drop alot. This sickness is due to "bottling" up all the 'energy' inside my heart.
At this moment, why I feel my heart very "tight", not becos of J,
maybe also partly thinking of J (becos I keep returning to her blog
and reading her story, becos her story is still suspending), also
thinking of what the hell I wanna do with my life, and thinking of one
boy (ahem, siow leh!!). A virgo will always keep things inside, and
never show people how we feel inside, and that's probably how its
going to be.
Tell me how to really let go, and not keep things inside my heart and
causing my ill health. Did you know the medical insurance I buy charge
me extra loading, becos of my fast heartbeat. I'm actually "worried"
about climbing Mt. KK now, becos with my fast heartbeat, its not gonna
be easy to breath while climbing a cold high mountain!! :P yikes...
but keep the faith.
Lastly, I just wanna confirm that - ur friend do not know me - is
probably true. When she wrote "And then things changed, I met my life
partner, who's a non-Chinese, and a non-Buddhist. She disapproved. She cancelled me out from our plans to go to Europe together. We've been talking and planning since forever. She went with another friend. She also said if I ever become a Christian, she wouldn't know what to say."
... I never disapprove... in my hole-in-the-heart email I wrote, maybe
she's really blind, i saved my own copy, I wrote that I was "worried"
about Jason being a "cheater" like what I read in newspaper about
internet-love-trap. And I was really disappointed that as a so-called
bestfriend, I never got the chance to be introduced to him, never saw
his picture.... can u imagine that u have a bestfriend, and you never
know who your bestfriend is dating? Does it matter if he's black or
tall or fat?
... if you wanna read back those email she wrote... who "cancelled"
the plan to go Europe? Did you know how hurt / sad / disappointed I
felt when she said she has no more means to think of ways to find the
money to go Europe in that email that poked my heart. In my mind, I
was willing to lend you or her money to go to Europe. It is not that I
was richer, just that I was willing to give all my money to Europe, no
savings left.
... the part about she being a Chrstian, and I have nothing to say?
What can I say? If I say anything - people will think that I'm a
hyppocrite. Matters about religion is really between you and yourself.
Nobody should have any say. But if I say I'd be disappoited, then
you'll say that I'm being narrow-minded. But what if I do feel that
way. Maybe becos of my strong faith in Buddhism, and I felt
disappointed that I couldn't set an example to 'touch' her with my
Metta (loving kindness). Maybe I really have alot more to learn about
practising sincere loving kindness. And seriously, if you are a
Christian, and you practise love, care, generosity, helpfulness,
what's the problem? That's the same essence of Buddhist values, to
love, care, give service to others. My disappointment is something
really difficult to put into words. I first know J from school
Buddhist society. Why did she join the Buddhist society in the first
place and become my bestfriend? Why was I forced (by her parents) to
go join a TzuChi Buddhist camp with her and her sister? I learnt so
much about Buddhism and not shy to say, that I'm a happy Buddhist.
Even if God or Jesus appear right infront of me, I'd say thankyou for
trying to save me, but nobody can save me, except our own self.
There's no heaven or paradise that I would want to go when I die,
becos heaven is on earth now, when you are contented and feel happy
for yourself at this moment.
Not going to bother you anymore. Am really really "wuliow" to read
back all those emails and writings. Seriously I save up and re-read
back all the stuff I write or anybody write. I keep things - even
primary school autograph book. That's why my room is in such a mess!
All the penpal letters through my secondary school life? It's still
inside a box.
regards,
you gotta read this one I JUST found :)
http://jasonaish.blogspot.com/2005/01/she-was-my-best-friend.html
she 'finally' wrote about me! haha.. well, that is nice and sweet. Of
cos there's a part she wrote "I was a little pissed, because I thought she's the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen. She wrote about racial unity, she's angry because we Malaysians are not coming together as a true blue Malaysian."
I actually laughed at myself for seeing that. *phew.. luckily she didn't "find" my truly personal blog that I expressed my thoughts and prayers for her. Ahem, I think you also dunno I have that blog, becos I cant share my diary with anyone.
She found both our fotopages, and she cried becos in all the pictures, she's not inside.
Can you "see" what I'm trying to show you? In my last bloody long
hole-in-the-heart email that I wrote, more than one year ago, it was
very very hurtful to her. But have anyone told you before "the truth
hurts".
I know my words were (are) sharp, becos I had too much grudges inside me, that is even affecting my health. Around 2 years ago I was under hyperthyroid medication, and now it's returning. My weight is losing, and my hair drop alot. This sickness is due to "bottling" up all the 'energy' inside my heart.
At this moment, why I feel my heart very "tight", not becos of J,
maybe also partly thinking of J (becos I keep returning to her blog
and reading her story, becos her story is still suspending), also
thinking of what the hell I wanna do with my life, and thinking of one
boy (ahem, siow leh!!). A virgo will always keep things inside, and
never show people how we feel inside, and that's probably how its
going to be.
Tell me how to really let go, and not keep things inside my heart and
causing my ill health. Did you know the medical insurance I buy charge
me extra loading, becos of my fast heartbeat. I'm actually "worried"
about climbing Mt. KK now, becos with my fast heartbeat, its not gonna
be easy to breath while climbing a cold high mountain!! :P yikes...
but keep the faith.
Lastly, I just wanna confirm that - ur friend do not know me - is
probably true. When she wrote "And then things changed, I met my life
partner, who's a non-Chinese, and a non-Buddhist. She disapproved. She cancelled me out from our plans to go to Europe together. We've been talking and planning since forever. She went with another friend. She also said if I ever become a Christian, she wouldn't know what to say."
... I never disapprove... in my hole-in-the-heart email I wrote, maybe
she's really blind, i saved my own copy, I wrote that I was "worried"
about Jason being a "cheater" like what I read in newspaper about
internet-love-trap. And I was really disappointed that as a so-called
bestfriend, I never got the chance to be introduced to him, never saw
his picture.... can u imagine that u have a bestfriend, and you never
know who your bestfriend is dating? Does it matter if he's black or
tall or fat?
... if you wanna read back those email she wrote... who "cancelled"
the plan to go Europe? Did you know how hurt / sad / disappointed I
felt when she said she has no more means to think of ways to find the
money to go Europe in that email that poked my heart. In my mind, I
was willing to lend you or her money to go to Europe. It is not that I
was richer, just that I was willing to give all my money to Europe, no
savings left.
... the part about she being a Chrstian, and I have nothing to say?
What can I say? If I say anything - people will think that I'm a
hyppocrite. Matters about religion is really between you and yourself.
Nobody should have any say. But if I say I'd be disappoited, then
you'll say that I'm being narrow-minded. But what if I do feel that
way. Maybe becos of my strong faith in Buddhism, and I felt
disappointed that I couldn't set an example to 'touch' her with my
Metta (loving kindness). Maybe I really have alot more to learn about
practising sincere loving kindness. And seriously, if you are a
Christian, and you practise love, care, generosity, helpfulness,
what's the problem? That's the same essence of Buddhist values, to
love, care, give service to others. My disappointment is something
really difficult to put into words. I first know J from school
Buddhist society. Why did she join the Buddhist society in the first
place and become my bestfriend? Why was I forced (by her parents) to
go join a TzuChi Buddhist camp with her and her sister? I learnt so
much about Buddhism and not shy to say, that I'm a happy Buddhist.
Even if God or Jesus appear right infront of me, I'd say thankyou for
trying to save me, but nobody can save me, except our own self.
There's no heaven or paradise that I would want to go when I die,
becos heaven is on earth now, when you are contented and feel happy
for yourself at this moment.
Not going to bother you anymore. Am really really "wuliow" to read
back all those emails and writings. Seriously I save up and re-read
back all the stuff I write or anybody write. I keep things - even
primary school autograph book. That's why my room is in such a mess!
All the penpal letters through my secondary school life? It's still
inside a box.
regards,
From Joon to YT#3
http://jasonaish.blogspot.com/2004/09/to-mend-broken-bridge.html#comments
... saddest post i read..
http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=leonglilli&tab=weblogs&uid=190491103
... probably even crying to read the above... leonglilli is my friend
i knew from driving lessons, and i so wish that i can message her and
just say hi. I still have her contact in my mobile. I went to Lilli's
church before to watch a musical Xmas concert, when she invited me, both of u and J didn't wanna go. Situation like these, J do not remember, where I did not have anything against Christianity, I as a Buddhist since birth, will so happily accept invitation to go to Church, watch a play, keep silent when everyone started praying to their God. In Buddhist teaching, we never 'reject' other people religion. I've been living with Christians relatives / cousins as long as i could remember.
it's just uneasy to feel that people think of me as a bigot (only
think my religion is right and u are wrong).
i just want u to know more about me, if u didn't already know. its
just funny how people think I have a problem with religion or race. A
nationalist like me, who dreams for bangsa Malaysia, who fights for
all races to be united at heart. I guess u know i can talk alot about
my knowledge of politics and what I wish to change for Malaysia.
Maybe becos I stand strongly in upholding the Chinese tradition, becos
I am afterall a Chinese, and I will never forget that my greatgrand
father came from China, from the Teochew clan, had 2 wifes, many
children, and my grandfather was the 1st son, and all the granduncles
stayed together in the same house in the olden days. Just becos I am
"proud" to be a Chinese, or I "represent" Chinese, doesn't make me
rejecting of other races. I am still ashame I cannot speak / write
fluent Chinese.
I strongly feel that you must learn your roots, where u come from, how
did your family begin, our did your community come together, how did
our ancestors suffered during The Revolution. With your knowledge and
understanding of WHAT / WHO you are, you "represent" your trueself,
and become the ambassador for your culture, your identity, your values
and reach out to other people. If you are "ashame" of your background,
how can other culture/race/tradition of people respect you?
A united Malaysia, is not one that merely "tolerate" each other, or just a society where people just pretend to be united in the heart. We have to first KNOW ourselves, who are we, where we come from. THEN learn about other people, and (keyword) "accept" other people whoever they are no matter how different they are, without the intention of converting / changing other people's beliefs / culture / tradition. No one system / culture / race / religion is right.
This is my ambitious stand. I can feel what Lim Kit Siang is fighting
for. I was proud of how Lim Guan Eng who went to jail for 2 years, lost
his lawyer permit, just to "defend" a Malay girl. Karpal Singh faught
so hard for the release of Anwar Ibrahim.
Can you see where I am coming from? Did you notice I liked to learn
about other people's culture while I was travelling in Europe? I used
to have penpals even from Africa, South American, Asia, Europe.. for
all my character that I represent... you think I am so "dai bi" to
worry about Jason being Indian? (I felt abit disappointed u 'thought'
I was affected by race, but I am really hurt by ur friend who doesn't
know me at all, she doesn't know who I am, what I represent, and most of all, she doesn't even know who she is - not until after her 24 years of living / after Jason came into her life).
In all my counselling training experiences (through being camp
facilitator and being a sunday school teacher), I've learnt one
important lesson in life - what people want in life? Is pure simple
happiness. Very simple answer, I tried to "test" ur friend before, but
she couldn't find that answer. I hope she 'found' the answer now, with
Jason. But think wisely, one day what if Jason died (choi touchwood)?
Will she go and kill herself to be with him, and be together with him
in heaven? Potentially, you may never know, that is the intensity that
any outsider can "see". Look at ur sister and her husband, or any
other couple you witness yourself, are they are so "intense" or as
"sacrifying" as Jasonaish? But anyhow, this question is not important.
The basic question is, understanding the nature of the person inside
you, and understanding the people around us.
How else can we "understand" people if not for asking? observing?
seeing? ... maybe calling or chatting.. emailing?
I hope I'm not boring you to death. You are afterall, a close friend.
You will finish reading my crap. I havent even crap anything about
stuff that u never know about me!
haha.. happy CNY!!
... saddest post i read..
http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=leonglilli&tab=weblogs&uid=190491103
... probably even crying to read the above... leonglilli is my friend
i knew from driving lessons, and i so wish that i can message her and
just say hi. I still have her contact in my mobile. I went to Lilli's
church before to watch a musical Xmas concert, when she invited me, both of u and J didn't wanna go. Situation like these, J do not remember, where I did not have anything against Christianity, I as a Buddhist since birth, will so happily accept invitation to go to Church, watch a play, keep silent when everyone started praying to their God. In Buddhist teaching, we never 'reject' other people religion. I've been living with Christians relatives / cousins as long as i could remember.
it's just uneasy to feel that people think of me as a bigot (only
think my religion is right and u are wrong).
i just want u to know more about me, if u didn't already know. its
just funny how people think I have a problem with religion or race. A
nationalist like me, who dreams for bangsa Malaysia, who fights for
all races to be united at heart. I guess u know i can talk alot about
my knowledge of politics and what I wish to change for Malaysia.
Maybe becos I stand strongly in upholding the Chinese tradition, becos
I am afterall a Chinese, and I will never forget that my greatgrand
father came from China, from the Teochew clan, had 2 wifes, many
children, and my grandfather was the 1st son, and all the granduncles
stayed together in the same house in the olden days. Just becos I am
"proud" to be a Chinese, or I "represent" Chinese, doesn't make me
rejecting of other races. I am still ashame I cannot speak / write
fluent Chinese.
I strongly feel that you must learn your roots, where u come from, how
did your family begin, our did your community come together, how did
our ancestors suffered during The Revolution. With your knowledge and
understanding of WHAT / WHO you are, you "represent" your trueself,
and become the ambassador for your culture, your identity, your values
and reach out to other people. If you are "ashame" of your background,
how can other culture/race/tradition of people respect you?
A united Malaysia, is not one that merely "tolerate" each other, or just a society where people just pretend to be united in the heart. We have to first KNOW ourselves, who are we, where we come from. THEN learn about other people, and (keyword) "accept" other people whoever they are no matter how different they are, without the intention of converting / changing other people's beliefs / culture / tradition. No one system / culture / race / religion is right.
This is my ambitious stand. I can feel what Lim Kit Siang is fighting
for. I was proud of how Lim Guan Eng who went to jail for 2 years, lost
his lawyer permit, just to "defend" a Malay girl. Karpal Singh faught
so hard for the release of Anwar Ibrahim.
Can you see where I am coming from? Did you notice I liked to learn
about other people's culture while I was travelling in Europe? I used
to have penpals even from Africa, South American, Asia, Europe.. for
all my character that I represent... you think I am so "dai bi" to
worry about Jason being Indian? (I felt abit disappointed u 'thought'
I was affected by race, but I am really hurt by ur friend who doesn't
know me at all, she doesn't know who I am, what I represent, and most of all, she doesn't even know who she is - not until after her 24 years of living / after Jason came into her life).
In all my counselling training experiences (through being camp
facilitator and being a sunday school teacher), I've learnt one
important lesson in life - what people want in life? Is pure simple
happiness. Very simple answer, I tried to "test" ur friend before, but
she couldn't find that answer. I hope she 'found' the answer now, with
Jason. But think wisely, one day what if Jason died (choi touchwood)?
Will she go and kill herself to be with him, and be together with him
in heaven? Potentially, you may never know, that is the intensity that
any outsider can "see". Look at ur sister and her husband, or any
other couple you witness yourself, are they are so "intense" or as
"sacrifying" as Jasonaish? But anyhow, this question is not important.
The basic question is, understanding the nature of the person inside
you, and understanding the people around us.
How else can we "understand" people if not for asking? observing?
seeing? ... maybe calling or chatting.. emailing?
I hope I'm not boring you to death. You are afterall, a close friend.
You will finish reading my crap. I havent even crap anything about
stuff that u never know about me!
haha.. happy CNY!!
From Joon to YT#2
http://jasonaish.blogspot.com/2004/10/splish-splash-ploop.html#comments
http://spirituallyspeaking.blogspot.com/2004/11/its-just-part-of-it.html#comments
http://spirituallyspeaking.blogspot.com/2004/11/one-thing-always-leads-to-another.html#comments
above few are important posting which means alot to me... i just dont
want this type of suffering going on... it can be avoided... in my
family, i could have solve it.
even my uncle's relationship with his wife, I wish i can solve,
they're not talking to each other, but I couldn't do much, except for
just being there if they need me to fix their computer. Their problem
is also due to 2 people very stubborn, nobody want to 'give in'. It is
very lame! Husband and wife loves each other, but as they grow older,
they talk lesser and they start to become distant. Father wants to be
strict with the only son, mother gives son total freedom. Becos of
their spoilt son, they both live in a hell in the same house. My
family has been the 'helpful' family for many relatives in the past,
and now trying our best to help this uncle. It's not my fault that I'm
'busybody', its just that my family upbringing has made be become
"associated" with many people's business. My MOM went to extend to
help my dad's physchotic cousin sister who has nobody to turn to except
come to hide in my family, and we try to contact her family and teach
them to forgive each other. Why should my mom care?
i am who i am, and when people call me 'pat' ... do u know what it
feels inside? That I have to tell myself that I shudn't "care" ? Maybe
there is a thinline btwen being "pat" and sincerely "care". But who
draws that line? who defines that line? Isit me? God? other people?
Mother Theresa, she is my hero, although a devoted Catholic, pledging
her life helping people in India.
waiting for ur reply.. very sien nothing to do, so i like to share
with u my feelings / thoughts.
I tend to use both the heart and head to feel and think, at the same
time, that's why it's not easy to understand me, as I am both a
thinker and a feeler.
http://spirituallyspeaking.blogspot.com/2004/11/its-just-part-of-it.html#comments
http://spirituallyspeaking.blogspot.com/2004/11/one-thing-always-leads-to-another.html#comments
above few are important posting which means alot to me... i just dont
want this type of suffering going on... it can be avoided... in my
family, i could have solve it.
even my uncle's relationship with his wife, I wish i can solve,
they're not talking to each other, but I couldn't do much, except for
just being there if they need me to fix their computer. Their problem
is also due to 2 people very stubborn, nobody want to 'give in'. It is
very lame! Husband and wife loves each other, but as they grow older,
they talk lesser and they start to become distant. Father wants to be
strict with the only son, mother gives son total freedom. Becos of
their spoilt son, they both live in a hell in the same house. My
family has been the 'helpful' family for many relatives in the past,
and now trying our best to help this uncle. It's not my fault that I'm
'busybody', its just that my family upbringing has made be become
"associated" with many people's business. My MOM went to extend to
help my dad's physchotic cousin sister who has nobody to turn to except
come to hide in my family, and we try to contact her family and teach
them to forgive each other. Why should my mom care?
i am who i am, and when people call me 'pat' ... do u know what it
feels inside? That I have to tell myself that I shudn't "care" ? Maybe
there is a thinline btwen being "pat" and sincerely "care". But who
draws that line? who defines that line? Isit me? God? other people?
Mother Theresa, she is my hero, although a devoted Catholic, pledging
her life helping people in India.
waiting for ur reply.. very sien nothing to do, so i like to share
with u my feelings / thoughts.
I tend to use both the heart and head to feel and think, at the same
time, that's why it's not easy to understand me, as I am both a
thinker and a feeler.
From Joon to YT#1
october 17th 2004
i read everything in her blog. and there's a difference between all 3
of us. I too can write alot, but i cannot bring myself to share my
'feelings' so openly like that. infact i wonder if she knows that im
reading her blog.
she becoming a christian is so certain, even before i stop talking to
her. when she used to come online, and when i asked about what she
believes in, and she said "let me find my own solace" - back then i
found, she's learning alot of christianity from jason (that time maybe
not yet paktoh seriously), and finally she's a full-fledge baptised
christian, without her parents knowledge.
read one blog, she's "afraid" to let her parents know that she is a
'christian' now. there are many things her parents dunno about her.
in my opinion, i honestly do not have any business to do with her, but
as a chinese, or as asian, or as what my parents / sunday school
taught me, parental blessings is bliss.
marriage indeed is a wonderful thingy, but without parents blessing,
it's nothing, its a shame. watch tv, and u'll know even in western
culture, the father of the bridge has to 'hold' the hand of the
daughter and lead her down the aisle to give the hand in marriage to
the groom.
its not my business, i know. but in my heart, i really hope to see her
parents accepting her and dont force themselves to be in 'denial' of
the future infront of them.
she has already got her keys to her apartment with jason. they have
plans for their own life ahead. all these her parents either 'do not
want to know' or 'do not care'.
if I didn't come from a family where family integrity / values are so
highly important, I wouldn't want to get involve. my father has
honestly told me that he has to "approve" my potential boyfriend first
before I can pak toh. And I think I just have to live with that, as a
daughter.
it was partly J's parents fault, in my opinion, not to have 'rules'
with her before she started off. It is too late now to 'avoid' the
matter and unaccepting.
sometimes, you can "see" things happening, when u care enough, or if
you're aware of things. Back in those days, when I see "jason" calling
her nonstop everynight for hours after midnight, daily without fail -
trouble. But her parents did not bother. I as a non-family member
could not do anything.
even her own sisters do not agree with J and hardly talks to her, and
they secretly wish her sister breakoff with her bf. But it's too late
now, back then they know their sister "boil porridge" on the phone,
they dont worry, becos they "thought" he was a chinese.
of cos religion and race, do not really matter if every party is
understading. Which i know my dad doesn't have a problem with, unlike
J's stubborn father.
the fact is that, J parents are devoted Mahayanese Buddhist, eat
vegetarian, go temple everynight, even pray infront of their alter
before they sleep - these "devoted buddhist" have to accept their
daughter becoming "devoted christian" - not easy rite? Becoming a
Christian is not a bad thing, if Christians are accepting of other
people, and do not try to 'convert' non-Christians. It is their
"kindness" and their love for God that they try to 'save'
non-believers.
My friend Daniel, a strong Christian, has honestly said he will only
marry another Christian, becos only together as Christians they can go
heaven together. So I can only imagine, if a Christian really loves
somebody, he/she will SURELY wish for that somebody to go heaven with
him/her.
well.. so much for now. what is ur opinion really... to say that she's
speaks about God is just a 'fact' not an opinion. u can "try" to share
ur feelings with me, maybe I am that busybody, or maybe I really want
to know, maybe it hurts, maybe it's unfair... somehow when I get close
with people, I will try to get to know the real person inside.
sometimes, i wish to become a physchologist.
i read everything in her blog. and there's a difference between all 3
of us. I too can write alot, but i cannot bring myself to share my
'feelings' so openly like that. infact i wonder if she knows that im
reading her blog.
she becoming a christian is so certain, even before i stop talking to
her. when she used to come online, and when i asked about what she
believes in, and she said "let me find my own solace" - back then i
found, she's learning alot of christianity from jason (that time maybe
not yet paktoh seriously), and finally she's a full-fledge baptised
christian, without her parents knowledge.
read one blog, she's "afraid" to let her parents know that she is a
'christian' now. there are many things her parents dunno about her.
in my opinion, i honestly do not have any business to do with her, but
as a chinese, or as asian, or as what my parents / sunday school
taught me, parental blessings is bliss.
marriage indeed is a wonderful thingy, but without parents blessing,
it's nothing, its a shame. watch tv, and u'll know even in western
culture, the father of the bridge has to 'hold' the hand of the
daughter and lead her down the aisle to give the hand in marriage to
the groom.
its not my business, i know. but in my heart, i really hope to see her
parents accepting her and dont force themselves to be in 'denial' of
the future infront of them.
she has already got her keys to her apartment with jason. they have
plans for their own life ahead. all these her parents either 'do not
want to know' or 'do not care'.
if I didn't come from a family where family integrity / values are so
highly important, I wouldn't want to get involve. my father has
honestly told me that he has to "approve" my potential boyfriend first
before I can pak toh. And I think I just have to live with that, as a
daughter.
it was partly J's parents fault, in my opinion, not to have 'rules'
with her before she started off. It is too late now to 'avoid' the
matter and unaccepting.
sometimes, you can "see" things happening, when u care enough, or if
you're aware of things. Back in those days, when I see "jason" calling
her nonstop everynight for hours after midnight, daily without fail -
trouble. But her parents did not bother. I as a non-family member
could not do anything.
even her own sisters do not agree with J and hardly talks to her, and
they secretly wish her sister breakoff with her bf. But it's too late
now, back then they know their sister "boil porridge" on the phone,
they dont worry, becos they "thought" he was a chinese.
of cos religion and race, do not really matter if every party is
understading. Which i know my dad doesn't have a problem with, unlike
J's stubborn father.
the fact is that, J parents are devoted Mahayanese Buddhist, eat
vegetarian, go temple everynight, even pray infront of their alter
before they sleep - these "devoted buddhist" have to accept their
daughter becoming "devoted christian" - not easy rite? Becoming a
Christian is not a bad thing, if Christians are accepting of other
people, and do not try to 'convert' non-Christians. It is their
"kindness" and their love for God that they try to 'save'
non-believers.
My friend Daniel, a strong Christian, has honestly said he will only
marry another Christian, becos only together as Christians they can go
heaven together. So I can only imagine, if a Christian really loves
somebody, he/she will SURELY wish for that somebody to go heaven with
him/her.
well.. so much for now. what is ur opinion really... to say that she's
speaks about God is just a 'fact' not an opinion. u can "try" to share
ur feelings with me, maybe I am that busybody, or maybe I really want
to know, maybe it hurts, maybe it's unfair... somehow when I get close
with people, I will try to get to know the real person inside.
sometimes, i wish to become a physchologist.
From YT to Joon
Dear Joon,
After reading her blog only one thing in my mind she really can write! i notice the words that she use is so beautiful. i can never write down my feeling as she does. i really amaze on the word she used. i think writing blog / journal is one way of letting you feeling goes.
i want to ask since when she becomes christian?? she praises a lot of god and thanks god f so many things and she can related almost eveything with god.
my opinion at the moment.
After reading her blog only one thing in my mind she really can write! i notice the words that she use is so beautiful. i can never write down my feeling as she does. i really amaze on the word she used. i think writing blog / journal is one way of letting you feeling goes.
i want to ask since when she becomes christian?? she praises a lot of god and thanks god f so many things and she can related almost eveything with god.
my opinion at the moment.
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