To get over your bestfriend

Seriously how do I start this.

Should I not even share this really personal story with anyone of you. Who are you anyway? Who am I referring to when I write about what is on my mind? Why do I have seperate mind for seperate people?

There is always this fear inside me to allow too many people to read my mind. There is even no logic in me writing a diary that is displayed publicly!

But what goes through my mind day in day out, eventhough I have no more clue, no more idea, no more faith, no more hope, still I'd check on my estranged bestfriend's blog. It is also through my thirst for curiosity that I 'found' her blog.

What I'm more appalled at, is I stumbled upon her thoughts on her spiritual growth, through the path not of my same faith. Do not dismiss me as a bigot, but I feel anybody who could judge me should try to stand in my shoe before proceeding. Of course shouldn't I be practising non-judgement towards J (the girl I thought I once knew) too?

If I cry myself saying that I'm not judging her, then why should I be bothered about her choices in life? This falls back to the crap I wrote before - why should I care? But what if I do care? Sometimes, it becomes difficult for people to really understand me, when I do not seem to care, but yet somehow I cared too much, resulting the secret hurt inside?

Actually there's nothing much really to ditch about, or it'll give you the impression that I am truly a pain in the ass. Yet, I'm blessed with good friends, great family, positive outlook of life that doesn't sink me into depression, not at all. It is only my incapacity to comprehend fully the nature of distinct human behaviour, that doesn't fit into my straightforward earthy mind.

With my imaginative mind, I knew it could come to a day when I had to 'breakup' with my bestfriend, due to our vast differences. Come to think of it, there's nothing much in common that we both strongly share that could really bring us together for the sake of it. Not when her mind is so left-wing, and I'm so right-wing (for example), and how when people grow up, we just grew further apart. The more I want to care for her, the more heartache I feel when she doesn't know a clue whatsoever that is in my mind.

She went on growing up, of course its not a bad thing. While I remain stagnant, not that I got stucked in my growth in wisdom or experience, but I remain resilient in defending change of growth. To some extend, I'm perceived to be stubborn to let anything get in my way of controlling my life. Living by the motto, I control my life & not let life control me. That is the exact opposite of the motto J had lived. She just lives and let lives, go with the flow and allow herself to be evolved from one phase to another.

As we go through life, there are various approaches and different mindset that we bring along. Some like her, enjoying the moment of love she so cherish most, living life the way she wants to, uncompromising, feeling not guilty of affecting the people around her, forsaking more important things (only in my opinion) for the glory of love (of one man & God).

I will probably never understand her, and neither will she even know the shielded me. But I do pine for her pain when she return her 'home' so fearful to her, that threatens to disown her should she not obey. Not obey her family who couldn't accept her other half & her new faith.

There will be so much suffering that I could see for her future. She without any family support, without old friends cushioning her if she were to fall, running towards heavenly father's gate tied together with a string to only her man and her faith. That string is very short, and not expanding. Her circle of true friends will consist of people whom she wants to listen to, most highly of the same faith. Her dreams must have changed, not of that of a young silly girl that she herself knew off.

To go out, to live the way you wanted, following the path of the sweetest road, not appreciating the route you've walked thus far, and not holding on to the people that didn't want to walk the sweet road with you. Very brave I should say. Nobody has ever walked that new path, where some people perceived to be dangerous, as humans are fearful of the unknown and uncertainty.

I must be a coward, to be afraid of growing out of my shell. To taste the sunsweet beauty of the alternative road untried. Should I congratulate her? The girl I sincerely wish for all the best for her? Or should I stand here and wait to see that one day she'd regret the path of road she's chosen (tsk tsk tsk, how bad is that thought). I cant afford the draining energy of wondering & worrying. I must walk my path too, for my life I owe to. I love myself, more than I love her. I couldn't bear the cost of pain inside me to see her drift so much further away from me. I must ignore. Hopefully time could heal the emptiness inside.

Fulfilment of joy and vowing to live up to my journey of life, I seek to let her go. And really really wave goodbye, to see her travel so far away in the sweet road, I couldn't even see her shadow anymore. I continue my path, hiking on the straight road, to gain my own experience through my journey.

Parting is such sweet sorrow... just let it go. Let bygones be bygones.

~strolling on my journey, by myself~
MJ