Dear Z,

I wouldn't wanna spell your name out to protect your identity. Urrgggh... like it would help :P There is an Incovarian reading this blog, hope you wouldn't mind. You must have felt quite let down by me, many a times, when you just didn't expect that it could come from me.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter who Lil Star is, as even the song call after his name, begins with the words 'star'. One of my fave song too. I mean, of cos do not ask me how many fave song I have. I'm listening to some classical tunes now. Hey, maybe classical music can help sooth your mood, try Johan Strauss or any of those piano concerto, in B minor or C major, or whatever :P I love classical music alot too! Try Jazz it could help you unwind and relax luxuriously. First you need an audio player, do you have? I download most of the songs, simply search Pachelbel or Richard Clayderman.

Wait, this letter is about you. I couldn't figure out any poem as that, to dedicate to you, as I'm still trying to put my thoughts into words. The thoughts are mixed up, as I've not encountered any complicated being like you.

You for one, share the same birthday with me, but not the same year. Because if you did, you'd have more confidence and strengh to stand tall, and stand brimming with pride! :) I do not know how dog-year born child would feel so deserted like you, as my brother and my cousins are example of dog-year born babies. They have many many friends around them just like you. And they are quite happy being with their group of friends. Maybe, they were not as intelligent as you, as to question so much of why, and need to search for reason to be, the clinging to attachment.

Misery comes with couldn't let go, in other words attachment. You know you've learnt how hard it is for you to let go something you're truly passionate about. It's very very hard indeed, esp for a passionate full-of-life living being. To let go is very difficult.

My message is along these lines, I do not want you to become like me. I've been through chaotic cheesy lame messy issue with my heart, because I couldn't let go. I dont think I'm suffering from the same thing now, but there is this 'energy trap' inside my heart, because aunty Jenny said I dun 'let go' the air. I do not really understand WHY the "air" is trapped inside me. How did I trap it? With what mechanism? How do I let go the "air"?

Of course, from medical point of view, I could just go see a doctor, and get diagnosed for the return of hyperthyroid, take medication, include that propranolol (?!) for palpitation. So, how is your heartbeat rate? Is it normal? Normal pulse is 60-70+ right? Well, lately my pulse rate is 100++ :P

Enery / air trap inside because I couldn't let go the steam, it is especially related to my estranged best friend. I've never felt like I missed a best friend so much that I would cry, but I felt disappointed, somewhat betrayed by my closest best friend. The 'steam' inside could actually agitate me to call her a bitch, and nothing but a bitch. It's kinda dangerous to see me trapping air inside.

And the part where you'll graduate soon and feel aimless in life? That 'energy' is shared by everyone on the same level as you. Even adults at 40 or 55 still feels that misery of worry for their uncertain future that is quite unpredictable. I felt truly pathetic, I got no words to describe, my life after graduation, when I had nothing else in mind but Europe, to the extend that I was so willing to take up a contract job without epf and feel nothing bad about it.

Well, I'll quote one Bro. Tan Ho Soon said, in one talk during camp, when I was the MC, he said "True love is letting go". I cried. I dont remember how it affected me, maybe I was imagining myself letting go of pisces guy.

I can feel your affection / passion on your madness about one sweet dude. Yet, there is nothing much you or he can do, or maybe got. You temporary put down and let go the thoughts, and do something good for yourself first. Then after you're gain your values, happiness and strenght, you then can smile at him brimming.

It doesn't matter if things work out or not, if you love somebody, you only wish / hope / want that person to be happy. Once you start to pull the love inward to yourself, then it becomes the conditional love, which causes anxiety and heartache. Try to love with unconditional love, aka Metta, you can still feel the happiness around you, or him, or anybody who walk around you.

Relate to the Dhamma, there is so much you can learn from your own experience, through those blogs you've posted. I could relate to each anxiety to 'unsatisfactoriness' which is the essence of the 1st Noble Truth.

Rise up high, head held high, shoulders up, feet step firmly on the ground, smile even 0.1 inch, breath in the fresh air! Journey of a thousand mile begins with a single step. And success is not the destination but the journey. Smell the flower along the journey through your destination.

Bottom line is, enjoy the fragrance of the flowers of the path you're walking here and now. It's the journey that is important, not the destination.

I wish you would be sincerely thankful and happy for all the great friends you have around you, in your campus, in sundayschool. I see more happiness for you than misery. You share the same birthday as me doh!

Your future is bright, you have the capacity to THiNK and PLAN. Of course please try to 'see far', you know one Chinese saying "step back one step, sky & ocean become wide", or another one "climb higher up the tower, you can see further!".

Try to un-Virgo yourself abit, capatilize on the positive Virgo-strength. Think long term. Use your head to think, but also listen to your heart. If you can, think further, of a supramundane life ahead :P haha...

Take a break, a kitkat. Be thankful and cherish the moments of being with amazing friends you have around you.

Also eat more fruits & protein. You're too thin, I mean maybe if you're bigger size, you can walk more struttedly! haha.

Alright, hope you get my point. If any of my message doesn't cut across as significant to you :P sorry for wasting your time.

Love,
just me