It's been a really overwhelming week. I can't understand why, but it just happened. Can you imagine that I cried in Starbucks? D'oh! I know if you were to come out from the cinema with a teary eye and runny nose -- still acceptable, I got used to it. Ooohh.. remember another odd weird situation, during vocal class with a bunch of gals, when music teacher taught us that magical song "Rainbow Connection" and when she suddenly said those unexpecting words, my tears just instantly without control came out!
The latest of the crying spree is during Metta meditation tonight. I think it's the first time I sat through the whole session until finish, but I had to get up & tip-toed to the toilet at the back... to clean up my soaked face. Metta is not sad? Metta is not heavy and emotion-wrecking?! What's gone up inside my heart...
What I can relate to now is that the past week was about my appraisal (that didn't happen). I was raging inside at one point, when my teamlead shot me for a stupid mistake that I couldn't take it. All I wanted to proof to her is that I am capable and smart. But she's a stress-pot. She is what UPM'er would call her "spoil the market". She is superbly capable of doing magic with MS Access and can out-smart me at some point. The challenge is on to live up to her expectation, my teammate is probably not bothered with this game but I care to proof my existance. I wanted to shoot her back but I can't. At work all the energy is imploding (is there such a word?!)... I can't out-talk them because they have all the excuses in the world to shoot you.
Write a simple email to the other team pointing out that they didn't do a proper job could backfire, when my teamlead think I jump the gun too fast. The other team will use my email to show the biggger boss up their and somehow find another way to shoot back my team. You know how energy draining is this type of stupid bullshit politics that everybody is pretending that it don't exist? I blunted told off (thru im) my teamlead that I'm not afraid of the other team, if I didn't do anything wrong. Bring on the big boss to talk to me if need be.
You do this -- u kena. You dont this -- you're not proactive. I can vividly remember my appraisal last year "she is a girl who work hard but she need to learn to work smart". What does it really mean? To out-smart other ppl who have ill intention towards you? Why can't I express my fire inside me when dealing with work people. Why do I need to radiate Metta to these asshole sitting same row as me. When will be the day that I can give them a piece of my mind!
There's no opportunity to feedback what I think abt them. The one way is during this closed-door appraisal, which my teamlead wouldn't really spend too much time on it. She'd just ask other ppl to rate me and she'll copy that answer.
Having said all that, my one and only teammate is one idiot that is the same team with me that I have no choice but to form alliance with. He don't care about appraisal bullshit and he could even suggest that we do appraisal together with our teamlead to save time (since she's so busy). I stare back at him -- d'oh!
I can pack just pack and leave... what's stopping me? *phlegmatic side of me*
Right now my teamlead is on a week long training, she didn't tell us what training she's going for. I told her abt intention to go for TechEd, no reply yet. I didn't wanna tell the idiot who'll surely ask to go along if I'm going knowing very well only one of us can go at any one time.
On one hand I'm feeling choked by her but I also pity her. How can she live such a pressurized life and having 2 toddlers at home to care for? I think I'll choose spending more time with my love ones rather than pushing so hard at work. Unless she have this switch button in her body and brain, that once she get home she's not affected by work pressure at all?
I don't know what kinda life they have... I see myself as having so much more in life than just drowning with work. That's why to leave or not to leave is not a question. I just wish my work life can adapt to my happiness level. I wanted to suggest to boss, to ask the most simple basic question for annual survey or appraisal "how happy are you at work?"
How nice if there's a rating for "employee's happiness level" for all the companies that I can potentially join, then I'll know which one to go to definitely.
So... started this post abt letting out of emotion, actually I thought I might scare ppl off if I simply just cry. But that's how I am inside, pressured with emotion, passion and energy inside, just a trigger could explode it.
I must always tell myself -- forgive and let go...
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