to be happy or not to be happy for her? and why not?

i hope when i blog about people, nobody will read my blog. who do i wanna blog about now? just a girl who lived an extraordinary life than mine. so why am i so narrow-minded, not feeling excited to receive her with my open arms and don't feel genuinely happy for her as she return to her home country?

she reminded me of this feeling i had with my estranged best-friend many years ago. the love-hate type of feeling, the feeling is not a happy one. its like i don't truly feel happy for them, and i find it hard to understand why i have this feeling.

so i ask myself is it because of i feel envy? you know they're supposed to be your friend, and you're supposed to be happy for your friend whatever mega-life-changing decision your friend may choose. deep down inside me, i'm not 100% truly happy for them, and i wonder why.

say if i meet her, what do i say? "hey you're back! i'm so happy for you!"
or "hey you're back! i'm not exactly happy for you!"

maybe i could just keep to myself and don't bother speaking up my mind, continue resort to my wonderment.

maybe its the envy feeling, but i thought i believed i have a bigger heart than to let envy drawn out my metta/karuna/mudita/upekkha. maybe its my ego, i think my way of thinking is better/holier than thou, thus feeling more sorry than happy for people. maybe time will tell if they are indeed truly happy with their drastic life choices, happy from what people can see outside & yet gratified inside.

when time has proven that their mind-boggling life-changing decision is indeed the wise path... then its for theirs to keep. not for me to question. i shall just try to be kind with my words for now.

My update thus far...

Actually who needs a blog for update when there's facebook?!
Well here's some points to note:
- i've not got my wedding photo album printed
- i've yet to compile articles for the sun sch newsletter target to be out during Wesak
- i've got photos inside my laptop but havent publish it on facebook!
- i'm getting more involved in my systems support work, that i can feel "tired" now, just like how my fellow male cllg would usually complain abt, after having to standby for 24/7 support for the whole month.
- i'm supposed to be successful with my work life (based on my birthdate calculation dohh!)
- i'm pretty screwed with trying to SHS
- i have put in effort not retaliate / argue with my sayang, although i think he doesn't answer my questions comprehensively
- i wish my investment in pound sterling will be a good choice (since i joined the gang not to invest in UT but in currency!)
- i wish i can take sharper & better pictures!
- some of my friends have given birth to babies this year so far : leeleng (girl), yeeting (girl), shireen (girl), aichin (girl), jinsong (boy)... and still in the tummy got szeying..
- looking forward to weddings : muihan & weesim in June, pevin & ernhuei in June, aaron & jo in Nov.
- looking forward to WBC with TNH the star in Sep.
- looking forward to any bugz members to start have their own offspring!
- hope that sayang will get his avanza soon!!
- enjoy learning how to cook with my new oven & new kitchen :)
- have enough wisdom & motivation to serve the better good of the people/community
- have enough savings to go on holidays!!! :D

ohhh i miss my tranquil, warm and care-free trip to Bali!!!

what have i gotten myself into?

[warning, please do not read further if you think my post is talking about you]

What have I gotten myself into? Do I have the patience, enough kindness and wisdom to go through this with a mentally unsound person? There’s no point talking to her, everything you say will be taken against you.

Dr. P have already advised me to make appointment with him at the hospital, and its better if I accompany her to go...

[this post abruptly ended].

my posting on chor-4 of CNY2010 from office...

The tradition has been broke for this Chinese New Year. It's the first time that I'm not with my parents for reunion dinner. And because ah-joon is not around this year, the Quek family has broken the 30-year-old tradition of the 3 Quek brothers (and their family) coming together for reunion dinner. The 3 brothers had their respective dinner with their own family... my dad who refuse to go out to eat, insisted on eating at home with the presence of the ancestor altar. It must be very private with just my parents and my bro at home. While I was at my chinese wedding venue - the same Tai Thong restaurant with 2 Wong brothers (and their family).

On the first day of CNY, my ah-soh actually swept and mopped the floor when I was out of the house for about an hour. I returned to my parents to pai-nian and just to be home. My new home will never be the same as my parents home where I grew up in. There's alot of cleaning and wiping dry the plates after every meal. At my new home, there's always a place for everything, ie. the mop cannot be in the toilet but only at the store room. The dry food stuff should be inside a basket which is kept inside the tall cupboard.

Of course why should I complain, in my new home there are new practices which are good practices. I should learn to take it in stride whatever that don't match my old habit / pattern. The truth of life is everything changes, little by little.

I must learn to keep and maintain my own jewellery box. I need to be patient with my new front loading washing machine. I must not react whenever I hear something ridiculous from my f-i-l. Oh well the list goes on... even for being in a husband-wife relationship... there's so much giving and forgiving that I need to adhere to if not, even for the silliest of reason, there could be war.

There is nothing really larger-than-life to blog about, perhaps the uncertainty of death itself would serve as a reminder to me to count my blessings. I attended 2 funeral wake service in this CNY itself... what a great way to start the Tiger year. Perhaps the witnessing of guan-yin-niang-niang manisfesting into the body of er-jie is a big deal... but the deep poetic advice from niang-niang stem from teachings of the Buddha --> Dhamma. I could feel the sincerity of niang-niang sincerity and earnestness in trying to help the people to practise the Dhamma, my tears fell when she bid her farewell to the audience and left from er-jie's body with a few big burps.

The lessons I must not forget to reap the blessings of the wealth deity & goddess of mercy:-
1. living with family in harmony / filial peity / respect your siblings
2. smile often to the people around you
3. be charitable to those who are needy

Niang-niang advised that for whatever I truly aspire for, our wish will be granted provided we are sincere and work hard towards our aspiration. This is like the exact 'secret' that we are all well aware off. Hey perhaps if I wrote a book about "what niang niang said" it could be a best-seller too!

This year.... I don't really have a big wish for my career, I'm happy for who I am and where I am, perhaps I'll just continue to lend my support to my team and thus support the systems which support the bank. The only major wish that is more like my mission my travel plans, ie. mission to Hanoi in Oct 2010, mission to Bangkok in Nov 2010, mission to Shanghai in 2011 and mission to Europe in spring 2012. All this will need money of course...

No I will try as much as I can not to touch on the surplus money that we received from our wedding dinner angpows. We're going to put it aside, set up joint account and invest the money. Sayang will need to change his old proton with an MPV for his floral biz. There is no plan for baby and not until I've accomplished all my travel missions.

Life goes on as usual after the wedding and after CNY as an ang-pow giving aunty. I wish for the world for everyone and I wish everything for the world. May all be well and happy.

Time is running... *panting*

Time is running. Time is running so fast that I can hardly catch my breath. I shouldn't be blogging from office, I'm juggling this post btwn responding to outlook, catching up with ctx alert, cleaning up the server monitoring agent spam, sudden ad hoc request to install another agent, answering phonecalls from helpdesk who need further support, listening to my fellow cllg sitting beside me 'san-meng', responding to sms, checking facebook...

End-user support work life now doesn't seem as stressful as previous vendor-support life, with no sla and much more cooperative colleagues. So far I've only encountered one nasty user who freaked me out so much (reminiscence of ex big SG cilipadi boss set in), compared to before where nasty bitchy users were everywhere.

I'm guilty for not posting anything about my Bangkok Kathina trip in October 2009, it was such a good trip... that I could still remember a few points that I wanted to blog about - Mudita. Besides that, I remembered I felt a sense of calmness and peace at most of the monasteries that we visited, like going for a spirit cleansing spree! We meet lotsa good people, we stayed at Pong's hse for a night (myee's uni friend when he studied in aussie).. we had dinner with Denphong & his wife... I was drenched soaking wet when I dashed in the rain from Platinum plaza back to Central Plaza... good thing I bought 3 blouses at Platinum, that I walked straight into Isetan's toilet and changed my top (my pants was still wet)... and i still didn't fall sick after that. We bought some souvenirs from the Gift Trade Fair for our new house.. good thing they accepted creditcard :P there were some really nice cute cool little stuff that I wish I'd more hands to buy back so that I could wrap it as x'mas gift during this time of the year.. (now i have not much choices but to go to sogo during lunch time). It was my 3rd trip to Bangkok and yet we're contemplating to go for Kathina in Thailand again next October! Well this time must bring our parents along.

Other than Bangkok... I'd book for myself promo-fare to Hanoi @Vietnam inconjuction with her 1000th anniversary! Ooohh before I dream too far ahead... I have a honeymoon trip to Bali @Indonesia! If only relationship with a life-partner is as smooth-sailing as fantasy.... then I wouldn't have any valuable lessons to learn in this life journey pursuit.

As the wedding date draw near, I'll tell myself to let go... to let go of expectation of things and events that I've envisioned before. To let it go if things didn't turn out like what I'd expected it to be. I can tell that I won't be able to be in the zone... you know how I would not be embracing the moment if I were to expect for what's next...

Surprises doesn't surprise me. I live in a world of knowing and expecting what's gonna happen next. Life is kinda predictable this manner. I'm being labelled as 'indifferent' and its not to be mistaken for 'upekkha'. I'm planning for my penpal 2-weeks visit in Malaysia... I'm planning for x'mas gathering at my new house and test use my virgin oven... I'm planning for friends to stay at my new house during the m&m wedding... I'm going to print my own wedding photoalbum... I'm doing my own wedding slideshow... to add to the expectation, my other half insisted on designing and printing own invitation cards... he even wanted to have his own wedding favor container / box.. my mom wanted to make her own fruit cake as wedding favors for guests...

On top of all these expectation to commit with, im expected to get the bgf communication plan for 2010 up and running. Continue where we left for the membership system thingy. And I got voted in as exco at my sunday school for publication dpt... aiya.. so what am I trying to san-meng now?!

Just live and let live... hope that my missing hsbc cc will reappear infront of me.. i malas to cancel it cos all my insurance autodebit is under that account... hope that i can still get thinner come my wedding... hope i'll continue be blessed with happiness, understanding mind, big heart, good health and good family members to walk this journey of life with.

Deciding the bridal gown... urrggghh...

This is very wuliow, I'm not sure if anyone else is like me, as I didn't sign up for any bridal house packages, so I have the priviledge to go round all the bridal houses to try on their range of gown. I can choose to rent or to buy. There's so many different style and design. There's different type of materials too, ie. silk, chiffon, lace. There's broad V-neck, or deep V, or bare-shoulder, or spaghetti strap, or halter-neck. There's long train, medium train or short-train. There's A-line, small-A, cancan look.
HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DECIDE?!?! I know I'm looking for empire cut, A-line or small-A, with medium train and I like lace. But those blink-blink is nice on me too! I say I like "simple" but some simple can be too simple for my nyak-nyak-joong meijoonised personality.
What do you think?!

i) Lace, small-A?
ii) left - simple / right - halter neck

iii)

有命去，没有命回来。

有命去，没有命回来。At first I didn't believe the sms that sayang received, but I saw charlie sir online. If it is true... charlie sir must be devastated. I don't know what to say, to verify the news, I msg him. It's true. It's even in the Bernama news online.

I last smiled and had a quick chat with sis. Julie Ang at SABS on 15-Aug. Even sis. GG Tan was there, but I didn't go up to her to intro myself. It was told that sis. GG Tan is the organiser for the Dama Orchestra fund raising show to be held on 10-Oct at klpac. I wanted to approach her to inquire about klpac, perhaps a probable venue for igemz launch.

I'm not 100% sure if that was her... somebody pointed out to me "nehhh that's her!"

As for sis. Julie Ang, I joked about getting a Bali package quote from her (for my honeymoon right after my wedding in Jan next year). She's always cheerful, funny and smiling.

She was a very "yau yeng" helpful and kind person. She's very close assistant to rev saranankara. She helped run an old folks home. She's a great cook although I've not have the chance to taste her glamour food. She'd belanja me and my other co-mdl secretary a very nice fish-noodle lunch. She's also a teochew lady, like me.

She trusted me to be "jaga" for the 15-member travel group to Ladakh in Autumn 2008, as she couldn't join us due to financial constraint. She finally saved enough to go on her first trip with bro charlie (and now its also her last trip) to Ladakh leading 38 other people. This time she's the yau-yeng "jaga"...having to settle everything for everyone, including the visas, the payment, the booking, the excess luggages, the fun, the assurance, the (10-seater-van) driver.

1/6/2009 - Sis Julie helped bhante Sanghasena to check-in for his departure back to India. *me & bhante nagasena taking the picture*

27/9/2008 - I took this picture at klia before we depart for Delhi. Sis Julie (in yellow) came to 'check-in' for all of us.

2007 - BISDS students giving donation to sis Julie for the Old Folks Home.

crapping... after so long not crapping...

I've not blogged for a long time, until I don't have the motivation to blog, because it takes time and a lil effort to type. Today I attended yet another church wedding ceremony... the 'moment' that everybody was waiting for - that picture was not clear! sharrkk... I got the guts to get on the stage to shoot from the other angle from all the other pro lenses.. but the picture from my lense turned out to be not sharp.

But I'm not going to kill myself for that... am trying to learn to have lower expectation, cos its good for my heart. I know I have difficulty breathing esp when I'm not conscious enough to breath properly when I get excited.

There was this email fwd to me, which I thought struck a chord in me.. an interview with a heart specialist >>

Qn: What are the ways in which the heart is stressed? What practices do you suggest to de-stress?
Ans: Change your attitude towards life. Do not look for perfection in everything in life.

As I'm blogging now, I'm publishing my coursemate's wedding photos. Just last Saturday, I had the chance to shoot at this really cool catholic church, for schoolmate's wedding. Although I must admit there's a lil envy in the air... but as I look deeper into the lense, what I should be envious of is this girl (whom I hardly associate with, whom I don't really enjoy being with, who got married to a rich guy) have really close buddies that she could be proud of to be her bridemaids/bestman! I knew the bridemaids and bestman were her primary school classmate since std1! Me? I have no contact with any of my primary school classmates, except for EM whom I hardly talk to in secondary school anyways. Now that I have to buy home appliances, then I get to talk to her abit more.

Life... somethings you like... some things you don't like. You can't have it all the time all the things that you like and not accept the 'whole package' the good, the bad and the doh-ness. I'd like to have pretty qipao for my chinese wedding dinner, but I'm supposed to wear kwa. So of course I could go change, from kwa to qipao, but I don't like the idea of changing in the middle of a wedding dinner and miss out that few minutes... but if I don't change how the hell am I going to wear 2 two different dress in one dinner? I'm a nut case. Then I also know that a qipao is only nice if u have really hot / slim bodyshape... which obviously I don't have. So forget it?! Hmmm... if I don't wear a nice long qipao at my wedding, I probably won't wear it at any friend's wedding dinner.

And then there's the small budget to live with... I can't have it all. I have to be contented even if its your own wedding... to be happy and feel honoured that I do have friends.. and family.. who will be happy for me for getting married. They will be happy even if I don't have the most gorgeous dress, they will be happy even if I don't have a slim figure, they will be happy even if I'm just being the siow me... why be cranky about not losing the kilos, or not knowing where/how to get the prettiest qipao that fits, or not having enough money to splurge on my wedding?

Just like my new house that soon will be my new home, I love the olive-green colour on the kitchen wall... i love the floral-pendant light we bought for dining area.. I can't understand why sayang want 'spotlight' for living room ceiling... he want birdcage for the porch lamp... he prefer the plain simple warmlight for the bedroom... nevermind... there are somethings that just can't be explained, and I have to learn to accept it. I can't have everything that I want that I like... Did you know that I don't like grill for windows... cos it looks like living inside a cage or a human-zoo. I worship freedom, I like big pieces of glass. I don't fancy birdcage becos it is = a cage = no freedom. But everybody is telling me > how can you not have grill for your window? Err... so what did I pay my monthly maintenance/security fee for?

I like dangling stuff. I wish I can hang strings of crystals draped down from the ceiling acting as room partition / or just for deco. But sayang don't like... future-in-law also don't like.

Hmm... what else to crap about? Megasales.. i wanna go shopping.. thought of getting a pair of wedding shoes, but i know i won't be able to take it standing / walking for long hours wearing high-heels. So what's the point of buying expensive high-heel fancy wedding shoes? Just for photographer to shoot it before I wear it in the morning? I wish I don't have to wear shoe inside the house during all those tea-ceremony.. knowing all my uncles and aunties will want to take turn for me to pour tea for them.... and there i have to stand in those high-heels? Gossshhh... i wish i can be like AnnNgw, saw her wearing a flat zebra-stripped shoe, so comfy! If i wear that, my mom is going to yak yak yak yak yakyak yak yak yak yka yak yak yak yak.... until u wish ur deaf.

You know this wuliow life... there's this ROM coming up, and sayang ask who am i inviting to vihara for the simple signing, blessing ceremony & vege lunch at annalekshmi next door. He said "how about people that we're not inviting for the wedding dinner?" Dohh... means ppl who not close!?! cos if they're close friends, they would be in the dinner invitation list! Siggh... so now I also don't know who to ask to come for the ROM and join in the lunch. Actually I'm thinking - just chinchai ask - who like to see how Buddhist / temple ROM is like are welcome to come and witness! How often do people get the chance to see witness a Buddhist temple blessing & marriage solemnisation? I'll be most glad to have all those not-so-Buddhist-inclined friends and relatives, esp my Christian relatives to come to a Buddhist temple! :D Just for experience sake! I've attended so many times - a church wedding... I wish people have the chance to attend a buddhist temple ceremony!

OK finish crapping. Will be going to spca tomorrow morning, bringing my sunday school class students. Did I tell u, there's a new boy in class, and he proclaimed that he's a christian, and he's just there to obey his mom. Cos his parents sorta forced him to come to Buddhist sunday school. I asked why are you a christian when both your parents are Buddhist? He couldn't answer. I said - so you joined CF in school? He cheerfully said yes. Because of friends you joined CF? Well.. uh ha. It's gonna be interesting for me this second half of the school term... but I guess the Dhamma teachings is still the same, I must be conscious that I shouldn't just pay attention to him just because he's more challenging, and neglect the other 3 girls who are very obident and very willing to practise the Dhamma. They don't come late for puja, they sit through puja diligently, bow their head with palms folded when they see a monk. And the boy? When he heard that puja means chanting he said he don't to be excused from it, cos he's a christian. I roll my eye... but yet at the same time I want to reach out to him... I want to show him, its basically about compassion and metta and generosity... later in life, he will have the wisdom to read deeper if he's inquisitive enough, curious enough to find out what is this Dhamma all about. I know that I don't need to label anyone a Buddhist or a Christian, as long as human beings are virtuous, and are capable to care & share, able to practise all the nilai-nilai murni that students have to memorize in school... that is Dhamma. And people of all labels should just embrace the differences and diversity of life.

People must learn how to choose/decide what is right and what is wrong, using their own human intelligence.

Enough... go sleep!

is it really miracle?

Again i'm asked to write.. well intially to ask bhante sangahasena to write for the camp magazine. Something about rich people vs poor people. But i know he's sooo busy and probably no time to sit infront of the pc, well not that i'm that free, but i'm running out of touch with writing!

When i wanna write, i need to write there and then, if not my mind will lose track of what i was thinking inside. I wanted to write about why am i so inspired by bhante sanghasena, and what was the cause of the fund raising dinner all about, and why would i bother to take leave to go all the way up north and down south to be co-kapiya for bhanteji.

I was so tired when I reached home at 2am after taking the flight from S'pore.

I don't know what is it that bhanteji got, but when he speaks with his sincere tone of voice, it moves you until your tears also wanna keluar. One ocassion, I asked my parents to join in for a lunch (after coming back from Penang) with bhante at a vegetarian restaurant, there were a couple other friends of sayang who were asked to join in the makan. At the end of makan, bhante chup everybody and gave a speech at the big round makan table! In that short touching speech, he made me and my mom eyes red! All he did was looked into my parents and raised his left hand gestured to me and said "you have good daughter... to have good daugther you must be good parents..."

*ok writing this also my eyes red now*

That's it I couldn't control the water from rolling down my cheeks.. i had to change focus, stare blank at the ceiling, look at the wall, just switch off the mind... I don't know how he do that... but he just did it.

I listened to a couple of talks by him, its inspiring. Of course I didn't cry through his Dhamma talks, but it's really wonderful experience spending time talking with him together with sayang.

A monk with a maha-thera title, asking you for feedback for his talk. Asking you for comment about what he shared, is it good? Is it applicable to the people? Wow.. I thought only incovar camps make big deal about feedback forms. He is so unusually humble!

Once he cracked a joke with me "there are 2 types of 'chief' monks, 1 is chief, 1 is cheap... and i am cheap monk". Then he smile broadly...

I sent him off at the airport.. he walked along with his handcarry bag... I was holding my camera, trying to shoot the last picture I can shoot of him before I don't see him anymore. Everyone else had already turn around to walk towards exit, I was still there at the side watching as he go down the escalator and for a moment he turned back to wave goodbye but everybody already moved on... bhante moved on. I had to control my eyes again... I don't know why.

It is true, that when people have chance to associate with bhante, they will somehow be inspired, not truly inspired.

"Illiteracy and poverty are the biggest enemies of mankind. They must be fought and conquered at any cost. Nothing else gives me more happiness than to see the deprived children blossoming into the light of education and meditation" ~ Venerable Sanghasena.

Bro. Rasika Quek said if these words were spoken by Obama, it will be so powerful.

Right now, I'm excited about being part of the MDL... to be part of this miracle in the making!

...dreaming Bali

So busy... so many things... so many items... and all I care and wish and want and dream and desire... is a no-brainer-care-free-relaxing trip to Bali! But for THAT i need to wait more than 8 months! ISssssghhhh..... but i know 2009 will just breeze through without me realising it....

I'm enthusiastic abt the fundraising dinner on 24May... but I need to get that poster done for sun sch wesak *isssghhhhhh* and I might need to 'jaga' my class students for Wesak procession, cos the school is encouraging EVERYBODY to turn up for the procession > walk 10km around city centre holding lotus candle... as a teacher... urrrgggh.... im so no cut out to be a teacher. What can motivate me to go is probably to play with my dslr+speedlite... how to play with my camera and be a teacher at the same time?!

Well something interesting to share, about my dad... his bday is on 9th May, which means this year it falls on Wesak Day! So being the some-what spiritual dad he is, he's pledging to visit 9 temples in one holy day AND maintain vegetarian for the whole day! :D If only I can join my dad go temple hopping at his own pace.. sesuka-hati.. he's going to pop in to my mom's tibetan centre, then drop by my future-m-i-l's chinese temple, probably drop in bgf just for the baby-bathing thingy (he think bgf is not a temple), then Thai temple... If im with dad, i could have MORE chances of making good use of my dslr... but i know i'll be stucked at both bgf and bmv. The dreading part is actually the parking / jam / bare the heat... all alone, or bring along guests where I can't leave them alone.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.............. i haven't even submit my tax claim!