My Life now is like Dead-end

It takes alot mental energy to think of how to bring back the wooden playpen/cot used by myniece at my parents house. Before that i borrowed a plastic playpen. All didnt work. My mil wld still entertain my son and carry him everywhere whenever he fusses just a little.

All my wishes, my planning, my hope... in reality is dead.

I cannot raise my voice at her because she is not my own mother. She is my mil. Nobody can raise his/her voice at her, even her own sons are so polite and kind with her. Because she is after only toooo kind!

Nobody can truly comprehend my shitty mind-disturbing & pathetic situation that i face every day. People say i dont know how to appreciate her. Yes really i really dont know how! I never ask her to soooo kind! She doesnt listen. She does things her way. She impulsively come over to carry my son although im handling him!!! Who is the mother?

How to appreciate for something that i dont want??!!

I dont want her to lose weight because of my son. I dont want her to have no chance to eat a simple tongsui that she took out fr fridge & put in back in fridge for 3 consecutive days!!!

I hate it each time she mention "you eat first la!!"

I hate it each time each time she stand up from her seat while having her meal to come over to my son....

I hate to know my son would rather look for his grandma when he wants comfort. OMG am i not the mother who loveeeees my own son to bits??! Am i not the mother who'd pump and pump and breastfeed my son everyday? Did you know that even a fully breastfeeding caring mom like me is replacable as a mother? I can just move to spore to work and still pump milk and ship the milk back to my son for her to feed.

I cannot complain. Because im the one who should appreciate my lovely kind and sacrificial mil. It would break my husband apart if he has to choose btwn his mom or me. No Dhamma teacher would condone my 'evil' mind. I cannot tell her off like how i doh all my own relatives and inclding my own parents. Im at peace with myself. No need to pretend to be nice. But with her... i have to behave myself. I cannot say things too blunt. I must filter my words. I cannot be my natural sarcastic self. I cannot scream and shout my displeasure on my facebook anymore because she is also on fb.

I need to go for marriage counselling therapy.

My life is dead.

Blog at work at 2am?!

In the office now for my ungodly hour night shift work. (just as I was typing this the pmo lady came to question me my whereabout between 12.30am to 1am... i'm like WTF??!)

Anyway, I had wanted to blog about my (oh what else now I feel like a broken recorder going on and on again on the same issue) but then I notice there's no such entry in my blog. Who knows 10, 20 years down the road I can read back and laugh about it :P 

I know I love my parents ALOTTTT! But when it comes to parents-in-law, how can I share the same kind of love and gratitude towards them? Is it easy for you? Well recently a friend I know from Sunday school told me she had began to love her MIL even more than her own mother! She even hug and kiss her MIL, and never do that with her own mom. I still cannot do that and cannot imagine if I can ever reach that stage. (i'm not a very showy with affection type of person to begin with)

I appreciate the every little things my MIL does for me and my son. But on the other hand, all the affection and love that she showers her grandchildren, can be interpreted as 'spoil market' (if I'm being sarcastic). Like how I read post on a mummies fb group about MIL -- if they don't care, you will feel you wish for some help, if they care/love too much, you will feel overwhelm. 

There is this thought in my head, on why I feel strongly about my MIL behaviour, it could be because I'm actually on the same boat as her! She is the mirror of me. She care too much for people (sounds like me?) and she likes to keep herself busy (yahh when do you see me stop?) and she's willing to give everything to her sons (like wouldn't any mom on this planet?!). 

Just as I always feel like choking up living in the same house with my inlaws, I must breath in. I cannot shout back. I shall not raise my voice (goshh do you know how often I raise my voice against my own parents??!). Women generally is at the disadvantage. Women gotta marry into the husband family and try to adapt into the husband family culture / norm. But do you think I can humble myself to pay so much respect and put up so much patience with my 2 elderly folks who happen to the parents of the guy that I so happen to agree to get married with? When its 10-20 years later, when pil become very old and perhaps need constant care as they age, will I be so big-hearted to be the care-giver?

I grew up ingraining into my head that I must care for my parents with they're very old and couldn't take care of themselves anymore.... but I never ever thought I'd have to do that for someone's else parents?!! What about my own parents? They don't need me to take care of them when they're old?!! I want to continue to be my parents' amazing daughter! 

Yes, I know my pil would prefer living together with me (the 2nd dil) rather than 1st dil. Isn't it unfair?! Well I can't "complain" it this way, cos its a compliment that people like me more. But "being like" has the disadvantage, where people would expect you to do the job. 

I wish I can make an aspiration (heck why not just make THE aspiration right away) -- I WANT TO OWN A CORNER LOT LANDED PROPERTY that comes with a nice garden, so that the house is bigger than my current honeyhut. Perhaps with a bigger space, I can hide out with my son in the other corner without being heard/seen. Its just overwhelming to have 2 or 4 pair of eyes watching or hands to cradle my son. 

Yes I appreciate the elder generation helping and taking care of the younger generation. But to the extend of pampering them?! Why has society changed? I don't remember my grandma spoiling / pampering me the way the new age grandma does!

ISsshhhhh.... the end. Back to work.

6-May-2013

It's the day after the 13th General Election with the dirtiest tactics used by you-know-who to win the parliament. Disgusted really I am. Conscience - where art thou? 

Aside from feeling bluesy because of the pathetic 13th GE cheatings, I'm also pretty disturbed by my current life situation which is very difficult to change. I know I've been reminded time and again, to be thankful for having such a lovely nice mil, I must learn to appreciate her... yes. 

But somewhere inside me have this tendency to wonder or to question how 'nice' can she really be or is she trying to be hero. You know the olden days sacrificial women who would go all out and even die for her husband? Maybe she is really like that old school, that I find it too tough indeed to stomach in. How can she still accept it when her husband repeated scold her "you stupid! stupid!" 

The fact is I cannot tolerate my fil being a MCP (male chauvinist pig) flaunting his aggressive remark towards his own family members, I also seem unable to accept that the oppressed keeping mum about it, as if to accept that it is ok to be bullied. 

No I cannot accept. My patience and tolerance level seems to reaching a threshold, I'm afraid if one fine day my heart will burst and I'd lash out with a sharp tongue. I know I am so capable of hurting people, please don't let me. 

Question - how long more can I tolerate before I burst? Should I take steps to diffuse the tension inside me and meanwhile not hurt anybody? 

Oh ya... Buddha say whatever decision or action that we might take, it might not hurt thyself and not hurt others. I will try to be mindful, that my secret plan would not hurt anybody.  

Just for the record ~
1. I don't want my mil to spoil my only son. 
2. The fact is that my mil is overly nice (lotsa metta), but she is also a very intense reactive person, which may not necessary be a good thing (lack of upekkha).
3. I cannot take the responsibility if my mil injure herself in the course of babysitting my child. I'm very worried if she fell down due to slippery floor or when she trip after running towards my son. 
4. My fil is living alone now as my mil moved in to live with us just to babysit my son. Some people don't think its fair to split up the old folks, they should be together, all the more so as they're already aging.
... 


If I want, I can continue giving all the excuses to comfort me, in my secret plan that cannot be revealed. Not even to my husband, who would not be able to comprehend. This is his parents that I'm talking about. 

Am I selfish? 

I just wish I can strike a balance, drive towards a moderate path, comprised approach, to be solely (if not 50-50) responsible for my son's upbringing. And to be at peace with my heart and mind.

To be mummy to baby Ariya Wong Zi Ren

It's not easy to blog about this strenuous unimaginable experience of childbirth, breastfeeding and being a new mummy.

Confinement period is over for now, it was a relief but still I am advised against drinking stuff I like. 

Breast engorgement was awfully painful during the 3rd day after delivery when I got home from hospital. 

Within the first week of breastfeeding, I was emotionally and physically so tired, deprived of sleep, its the worst fatigue. That's when I was with my first confinement lady (she worked for 4 days only). On the following week, I got a 2nd confinement lady (truly lucky of me... my good karma) who insist on mother-must-rest policy, hence I had to keep expressing milk for her to feed ebm for my baby. I was "tango-ing" with my 2nd CL, cause I wish to direct latch more and she wants to bottle feed ebm every time! It's also good that when she feeds baby esp in the middle of the night, I can get to catch up with my deprived sleep....  its like trying to put in practice the 'middle way' (all the Buddhist teachings is really being put to real test). 

The whole experience of confinement and being a new mother is just like attending a Buddhist retreat! Alot of "mind over matter" and being mindful inside me. Not expecting baby to suit mummy's wish, but for me to learn to adapt / adjust / fine-tune / accept baby for being himself! 

Ariya Wong Zi Ren is 6 week old this week.... I'm pretty glad that he manage to sleep till 3am and go back to sleep by himeslf on the cot after feed. It was a breakthrough! 

Mummy's secret wish is for Zi Ren to be able to self-sooth and go to sleep himself after night feed, and learn to sleep through the night soon. 

Caesarean it is - 06.12.12

Yesterday, Dr. Hoo actually wanted me to come see her in the morning (but my schedule was afternoon), her first day back to work after her whole week in Aus. After checking my underneath with her finger, she said "we need to talk..."

Cervix is too inside, cannot even touch or feel, although baby head is already down but cervix is not soft / not dilated very hard to come out! So must induce the very same night... 

Or... opt for Ceasarean, because the induction may have chance to fail and end up with emergency C-sec. Then most likely the final charges will be even higher than just a C-sec. If I were her sister, she would want me to go for C-sec. 

What I wanted to write about is the point where most women would "wish" to experience the labour of pain to deliver their baby. Its like very unfortunate or 'sayang' that I didn't even get to try it for the 1st born. (For my case it could be the only child). Then I think further, why would people want to go through torture and suffer if they have the choice of not having to go through that experience? Am I a coward then that I always choose the easy way out? In most life situation, I make very direct easy straightforward decisions. 

I feel so much relief now knowing when baby will greet the world, when I can relax the day before the C-sec operation and prepare myself mentally and environmentally to welcome the newborn child into our life. When I was on anxious waiting mode, not knowing when baby will come out naturally, or even not knowing if induced-labour will be successful for me or not, or not knowing how long of pain I have to endure after induced.... 

Isn't it obvious - save the drama inside my head - just relax and go for Caesarean operation, get done and over it in 30mins. Then get on with the start of parenthood. There's still alot of things to worry about, like if I'll be able to feed breastmilk successfully, if there will be enough milk for a baby boy. Oh and there's the hosp bill that need to be settled, which fund to sell to cover the high medical cost? 

They say having to experience vaginal birth is like empowerment for a mother.... isn't it like ego-talk that a mother must have that experience to be empowered like a true mother for her child? Sigh... I know I know I won't be able to experience how my own mom experienced the fantastic pain in delivering me vaginally 33 years ago at a gov hosp. But doctors are not like before! No doctor in today's world would risk their license to allow a situation like what my mom experienced -- "baby in distress after 2 long days in first stage labour / use forcep & vacuum to force baby out" 

My mom's labour drama will always be imprinted in my head from very young, and I grew up secretly wishing I would not have to go through THAT! 

The secret.... always becareful what you secretly wish for.... you'll most likely get it! 

The anxious mother-to-be

I'm 40 weeks + 3 days now. Some might say I'm 3 days overdue. Later this afternoon, there will be a check up with my own doctor. She mentioned before she might induce me if I've not given birth by now. 

And this anxious mother-to-be has all this in mind!!! >>

... Most people will suggest that I wait for nature to takes its course and advise against induce. I've read about the longer pain to endure and need to spend longer time waiting at the hospital.

... i was just contemplating, if putting drugs in to induce labour would increase the cost of labour? (even if its vaginal birth), then might as well save the pain / worry to go for elective c-section? 

... im worried if baby decide come out on Sat 8Dec, sayang will be busy helping mom-in-law at chowkit market in the morning, then afternoon both moms busy peel fish. Then on Sun both our moms will be busy preparing asam laksa for a food fair.  I need either mom to help make the red date tea for me to drink and prepare suitable food for me to eat at hosp. 

... if baby don't come out by then, next Monday is 10th Dec, by the time i check out from hospital, ie. 11th or 12th Dec the confinement lady will need to go for her retreat on 11th Dec night. Then i won't get help at all, and scare my in laws will pengsan esp the father who will start complain. 

... stress in me may result in milk not come out easily, and we intend to fully breastfeed, and there's no standby formula milk for baby after delivery. 

its Tuesday, 4-Dec today. If start induce today, it may take 1-2 days later for labour to start, ie. 6-Dec baby could be out! 

~*~ 

here's what i read >> 

The team acknowledged that the best way to deal with a pregnancy lasting beyond 40 weeks had never been clearly established.

Doctors who favor induction argue that waiting longer increases the risk of a Caesarean delivery because the fetus gets too big for a vaginal birth, and they also cite the risk of stillbirth and complications.

Those who favor waiting for labor to begin naturally point to studies showing that induction increases costs of childbirth and the need for Caesarean deliveries when induced labors fail to progress normally.

Almost 40 weeks!

Today is special. Today is the day before 1st Dec, my EDD according to Baby Center :) This whole week my gynae is in Aussie with her husband family, and only be back to see me on 4th Dec. That's like 3 days after my due date... and she might consider to induce me if there's still no sign by then.

This week, I'm under Dr. Arifah... this evening I'll have my weekly pre-natal check with her. Recommended by my gynae Dr. Hoo. Well its all up to the baby... whether he wants to be delivered by Dr. Arifah (this week) or Dr. Hoo (next week).

Today is actually brother-in-law's birthday! And he's also a dragon... if baby decide to come out today, then its so co-incident :P Well baby has his own destiny. Papa wish for December la...

And mama has stopped going to work since the start of this week, occasionally still receive work-related call. I wish office smooth sailing, so that I can be at peace.

Pregnancy is alot about putting in practise your mindfulness and mind-body-at-peace-mode. I shall continue my relaxing mood and not complain about boredom, and just appreciate the doing-nothing-much-at-home.

Lets aspire for a smooth easy & safe natural birthing process.... 

34 weeks & 3 days

Today i'm 34 weeks & 3 days and according to my 'im expecting' app on my adroid, i left 39 days to go to D-day.

I overheard my friend discussing about purchasing a piano and how expensive it is. Then I thought about how I wish my child would have the chance to learn to play the piano! ;)

But before that I also wished our son can have opportunity to learn martial art like Chinese kungfu! ;) So if given only 1 choice, should I send the our child for wushu class or piano class? But piano class would surely be very costly, as a even a 2nd hand piano would exceed RM10K?!

Ahh.. no need to think so far. Just wish for smooth easy natural birthing process come late Nov / early Dec. Sadhu!

Om Mani Padme Hung!

Today at 21weeks + 2 days

Today at my pre-natal checkup, doctor noticed a slight increase at my sugar level. So next month I have to do a glucose test, 8am once and 10am second test, in between have to drink high glucose drink.

Baby size is 380gm now. Doctor asked if I can feel baby movement or kicking, actually im not sure how to tell it. Doctor said its not a big movement, just perhaps some inkling sensation that something is touching my stomach...

I'll try to be mindful throughout the day, to observe these baby movement sensation.

Today I received news from my highschool friend, that her baby (born prematurely at 6mnths+) has ended his life journey. I read the whatsapp msg in office, and of course can cry. But its office, I gotta deal with my vendor and my cllg... lets send farewell wishes to the tiny infant. GuanYin will be taking care of him now...

Today in my life, my mom is going for her 2nd chemo treatment. May my mom be well and happy. May my mom be strong and be at peace with herself.

Today i read a very nice saying from Lao Tzu ~ "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." ~

Other updates in my life... we're getting a car replacement for sayang's old car, with a 2nd hand avanza. Its gonna be fully paid off by cash, no loan. Thanks to my dad who's gonna be 'give' me RM15k without needing me to pay him back. But i say i'll pay him back la.... the reason he's giving me the money, is because the the house will go my brother! Haha.. well that's quite a sensible option, its much less hassle to put your property in 1 name rather than 2 or more names!

Lets continue to count our blessings and pray for less problems...

"im sorry"
"i forgive you"
"i thank you"
"i love you"

A little update on my little life

I hope I don't get caught blogging at work. I don't feel like I have much energy today to pull me through til evening. After 2 of my bosses had left, I was sort of put in unofficial acting teamlead for my windows team. Things are fine, its just that I have another acting head replacing my old boss. And this acting head is not to my liking. If I were to remain sain in my job while being pregnant, so not to choke up or suffocate inside, I need to understand him. 'know thy enemy'. To put effort in knowing and understanding people that really annoy you even face level. The hair and the uncle-attitude, the i-want-to-care-but-i-dont-care style of talking... oh my, its only the first month since i need to directly deal with this everything-i-want-to-comment-uncle....

If only i can just leave my boring energy-draining-support work, and fly to a far-away island with beautiful sandy beaches. I miss the ocean & the beaches...

I'm 16 weeks along with my pregnancy. This Friday will go for monthly checkup, maybe can see boy or girl. Not that its important (like what i usually say), but I did wished for (at Veranasi in India, by playing candle-lid flower on the Ganges River) the gender that my sayang prefer. Many times I have to admit "becareful of what you wish for, you might really get it!"

In terms of my work, I wish for nothing now... as im not prepared for a career upgrade. I'm fine with the not-so-fantastic salary that im getting. I don't wish for more workload that comes bundled with the package of career advancement. The higher you climb, the more strategic your brain has to be. Using up brain-cell for over-thinking can be energy-draining!

Let's not wish for anything... other than wish for my baby to be healthy, happy and alive! Of course for all the people around me, my family members esp to stay healthy, happy, in good shape and to be truly alive!

I wish to take care of my body... i wish to go swimming... i wish to find time to practie yoga at my own home... i may wanna re-style my hair?! ;)

Ahhhhh...... bliss*