A Psychic Friend

Its 3am of a July 2019, its a week before Sayang's 40th birthday. I don't know if I still have any 'sayang' left inside me to really feel the 'sayang'. Today he threw / flung my car key at my direction, in the presence of his parents, my mom and my kids. This short temper trigger after he went to scold his son (AGAIN) and made him cry unnecessarily while I'm still having my dinner.

Anyway, I don't feel any anger, well maybe for a split second I was berserk, I just couldn't accept the dangerious behavior of throwing things, esp when there is kids around!

So this is my life now at 40. Did I tell you I'm actually looking forward to my 40th birthday? Come this day after my 40th birthday, would be my 10th Wedding Anniversary! Nah the wedding anniversary is really nothing to shout about, with this kind of dysfunctional relationship that I'm having with the guy I married to. But for my 40th birthday, I'm already thinking which restaurant to host the dinner, to have karaoke, to invite my bff, aside from the usual family members. See I look forward to life, to embracing life, to rally for another decade of being a good mother, good hardworking employee of the bank and perhaps inch nearer to my goal of freedom!

Freedom - this will tie back to my post title - the psychic friend. I have a few bff but none can really describe my true self as precisely as this new friend! Well actually he's an old friend that I knew in temple, some 20 years ago. He added me on FB one day after missing for so long, and then we chat on the phone the first time, I remember I was taking the mrt ride home, and he made me cry while sitting in the moving train! He just said things that he intuitively instinctively knew about me. When people tell you the cold hard truth that hit straight into your heart, you know you will feel overwhelmed with emotions, and your tears will roll naturally.

Anyway later on I did introduce him to LT as well, as he's actually pretty damn good in his character and personality analysis of people, he just has this talent, this gift. I met some other people who has this similar mind-reading power they possess. He was going to offer to come to my home, to check the element, and also to help Sayang to improve his business, since the home is where Sayang work and conduct his business. Of course without iota of doubt, Sayang would not agree to meeting this new psychic friend. In fact I've been pretty good at holding back now days, I would usually naturally tell everything that has happened.... but the wise thing to do now, is just following the advise - step by step.

Psychic friend gave me glimmer of hope that my relationship with Sayang will improve, if I trust him, to take it step by step slowly. He promised me that one day, when the condition is right. he will seriously talk to Sayang. I had doubts on how he, more or less a stranger to Sayang, can talk and make Sayang want to listen to him??! Sounds like mission impossible leh! Well he assured me no worries, he will have his way. He did say that Sayang will not listen to anyone except to a monk or higher realm beings, of which I agree! You see phychic friend is not deva yet and is a lay person not a monk, how is he going to get Sayang to truly listen to his counseling?

Well since I always give chance for opportunity and positive possibility, who knows if my psychic friend is right, he will and he can manage to talk to Sayang! I have hope. I must have hope. It is with this hope, that I calm down myself, I forgive myself. I try to talk myself not to steer onto the escape path.

You see, its deep inside my mind that I was (probably still am giving rise to this thought) of walking out of this marriage. Just a matter of time when my kids are much older and are self-sufficient. Anyway, did I tell you the joke that psychic friend told me, that's why he ask me to decide what I want, if I really want to leave or make the relationship work. He said he saw a 3rd party. I ask who me with another guy, or Sayang another girl -- me! I laughed... me 40 year old married with 2 kids still got people want?! Kanasai not bad woh.... ok well in my secret escape plan, I don't intent to live with another guy, I just want what I value the most in my life -- FREEDOM!

I see how sis. Julia live alone after separated from her husband, in her small apartment, not bad what! She still maintain good relationships all her in-laws. She has 2 grown up sons, she assured me 'dragon' child is very smart... that she told me when I was pregnant with Ariya, my water dragon boy! I believe he is smart, he has obvious dyslexia symptoms but, I read about dyslexia child, they are all smart people! So what for the father keep getting all hot-tempered and make the young child cry so often?! I want my children to grow up in a happy environment, to learn to be respectful, independent, kind and loving. Even if the child ends up last in class - soooo what?! In a matter of years he will be in secondary school where the syllabus will be somehow 'easier' (to me lah I think).

Did I tell you, the most assuring thing Psychic friend told me, is that I have the 'protective' element in me for my children. That's why he advocate co-sleeping with kids and to bring kids along for travels. I raised my concern about how its expensive to bring my kids along to travel with me, esp if I want to go somewhere far... he said money can always find back, my kids will always be protected when they with me. Awww.... again I feel like crying hearing this. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I LOVE MY KIDS. Obviously its natural thing for me to combine both travel + kids together? See my mom is always against travelling with kids, well that's for her not me! I'm me, not only it feels right for me to bring my kids along, my kids will be safe and protected when they are with me. Some friends, I know they can leave their kids behind when they travel with their husband... I can't.

I have good elements in my life, I know I'm doing quite OK in my career and my kids are growing just fine. I can't say the same for my husband.... actually I really don't mind if he's not earning alot of money. In this modern society, we know that many wives earn more than their husband. It's normal, its OK. I can see that some men, don't take it too well. Like what Psychic friend say, men ah... their ego is VERY high wan! They dunno how difficult it is to give birth, to carry baby for 9 months, to breastfeed... all looks easy for men. That's why women's brain is wired to be so resilient, so strong, so brave, so sacrificial (like my mil). Well its really hard to find a real men who can really understand and appreciate the women in their lives, so much so that they will lower down their ego... you know like my dad type?! :)))) I really respect my dad. My mom is soooo difficult to tahan, but he can tahan. So now my dad cannot walk already, my mom will stay back and serve him everyday of the week, of the year... I don't know if I have the good karma like my parents to have each other even in their old age. I don't want that type of elderly couple, who don't really care for each other but still living together for fear of being alone. Maybe its scary to die to alone... but its okay i supposed.... with my good karma, insyallah.

OK its 4am now, lotsa of crying writing this piece. At least I pen down this chapter, as I embrace my transition into my club-40, I hope my Sayang don't jealous of me, I hope he can have Mudita for me, as I try to learn to have Metta and Karuna for him. The Upekkha is for his parents, whom I can't change.

Psychic friend... if you can read this, remember what you promised me ya! I told him that even if he failed to talk to Sayang, and if Sayang also don't listen to him. I'll be contented that at least Psychic friend tried or have the intention to help him. I already 'mou nang wai lik' to help this impossible husband of mine. Psychic friend reminded me why I married him in the first place, he put it in such words that is actually true, truer than what I thought. Well I thought I married Sayang because you know age is catching up, and nobody else would want me, and my parents or society pressure would somehow make me marry him. Well he said, I married Sayang because he's not too bad, he is OKay lah... you know i was a very simple happy go lucky person! You always hear 'chinchai' la coming out from my mouth.

Lets try to wrap this up, before i get puffy eyes in 3 hours time when I get ready for work. That is another story, but nothing so worthy for me to pen down about my work.

First time I'm home alone with just my 2 kids for a week!

Don't want the world to know I'm home alone with my two lovely kids as their papa join his parents to Indonesia, or rather join his mother. His father was supposed to join the trip together, everything paid for and he even dyed his hair / brows for the trip. Just a day before their departure, his father got warded in hospital for weak legs. *faint* and he was grounded.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry... that I'm the one person left to tend to this old man, thankfully there's still 4sok the brother of this old man. If it is my own parents or my own uncle, I wouldn't feel so head-banging. I'm actually very tight up with my life, having to juggle work and 2 kids while the husband is out of the country!

Sometimes the incidents that enfolds infront of you has a meaning to it, if you use your wise intuition to see it. I could complain that why I have bad karma to have to experience this? But I also could see it that I'm the angel, I'm the blessing for this old man and this weird Wong family. I don't want to believe that in my past life, I owe it to them that in this life its payback time.

In fact I was secretly looking forward to the husband and his parents to be out of the house for the whole week, so then I can peacefully declutter and rearrange the house! I have grown to appreciate being a minimalist as I age... but my parents in law are still in their strange world. The husband is also strange, he keep his floral stuff in his own home that he shares with his family. He thinks it is his rights for his business requirements, that he collect all the baskets, the bulky stands and boxes, and 3-4 huge boxes of vases that he only used once. The house space is fixed, but his stuff for his business is ever growing. The family has grown and need more space yet the space is getting lesser and lesser.

Marriage life for my case is definitely not a bed of roses. There is alot alot of effort that both me and the husband have to take, to compromise, and to not get on each other's nerve. I'm not sorry for thinking that sometimes I wish to just get away, to drop it all, and just move out on my own. The kids can come visit me for leisure and homework guidance, in my imagination, I just wish for the freedom and space... to just do nothing and be with myself, in my cosy little own apartment with swimming pool.

I'm sorry for not being magnanimous enough to be subservient to this weirdest Wong family. If one day you need my help for counselling and helping you really to sort your life out, I will be most happy to do it. Until then... lets continue to pretend to be husband and wife while the kids are still young. 

I am CRAZZZieeee!!!

In spite of seeking advise from Sg. Buloh er-jie, who strongly discourage me to bring a 6mo baby along to UK travel, I still can't imagine any other way. And I've been reading and thinking of all the possibilities, till the extend of my brain getting too heavy...

I need to bring my baby along wherever I go, no matter how far and how troublesome it would be, because I need to breastfeed the baby! You know, for all nursing mothers, if baby is not with you, you need to pump milk. Well I can bring a manual pump, but how about milk storage?! Between choosing to nurse a cranky baby vs manually express milk 6 times a day (without baby direct latching) - obviously former wins.

There is a risk for baby falling sick, due to low immune system at merely 6 months old. I'm not sure about that... how about the chances of baby NOT falling sick? There's a risk of jeopardizing baby's schedule... what's a schedule for baby?! Milk - sleep - play - poo cycle. I can bf baby anywhere in the plane, in the car, in the park, in the hotel... Baby can sleep on my body with my baby carrier, can sleep in the bassinet, can sleep in the baby carseat, ... Seriously WHY do I NOT see it as troublesome?!!

You will gain amazing experience and its all in the mindset that you CAN do it!

Will I regret about the bad things that might happen to baby because I decided to bring baby along with me to travel half way round the globe? How about asking, will I regret NOT bring baby? Will I regret NOT travelling at all?

Hubby says "you think you'll have no chance to travel next time?" I tell you what... what is "next time?" How many 38-year-old do you get in your life? When you talk about money investment or insurance - time is money. You start save or invest early, you reap more $$$ in the long term. Talking about travelling, its not like I'm travelling for the benefit of myself only. I'm bringing my MOTHER and mother-in-law ALONG to their fave destination. I know I can just send them to join another travel agency traveling all the way by coach. It's different! My mom will surely complain about all the walking she need to do.... but since I'm PLANNING for the trip with my mom's physique in mind, I want her to ENJOY the trip, with the least walking to do, and least lugging the suitcase around.

She may complain about the hassle of having to care for a small baby while travelling, but me having to lug a baby along will surely slow me down, and perhaps my mom would be able to keep up my 'slower pace'!

So what if I try to imagine myself travelling "next time"... when baby is older... that's when my elder son would have started formal school, thereby lesser window of opportunity to fit in a summer holiday to the northern or southern hemisphere.

Why can't I travel without the kids?! Would I want to mafan other ppl to take care of my own kids while I go on holiday to enjoy myself?!! My kids will miss me... i will miss my kids... I think I still can afford to bring them along in my trips.

Yeah... I must be one hell of a crazy mummy. I may go down as worst mummy ever... and that's just who I am, and how my brain and emotions are wired. I'm soooo immensely thankful that I have my kids, and its easy to get pregnant for me, and my kids are a part my life now, until they're 18yo.

At end of it all - I can share with you, whether it was bad or good experience. I may be able to write a book about it... If i didn't go, no experience to write about... life is just a mundane same routine, what do I live for? 

Will i am

I want to write a Will, maybe after baby girl is born where her IC and passport is made. 

I want to write a Will where all my inheritance goes to my eldest son and my youngest daughter (yes I know I'll only have 2). 

I don't like the idea of leaving any inheritance to my husband. Maybe because I've been the breadwinner of the family, and he earns less than half of my income. Should I leave this world before him, he doesn't have the luxury to spend the money that I've earned. 

There is however 1 property (G-Residence) that is under his name, but merely using his name with my brother, co-financed by 4 people where I'm the 1/4 financer. Should we sell off G-Residence at RM1mil then I'll get RM250K from there. 

I've recently purchased a property - Cemara - at Equine Park at RM280K. I hope to sell it off after 10 years to reap about RM500K if possible to finance Ariya's tertiary education overseas. It would be a lie if I said I don't have hopes for my children. At the very least, I wish to give them options when they finish their secondary school. 

(I vividly recall this conversation my mom had with me when I was only form 3 - "Dont dream of going overseas to study, your parents don't have the money, your only option is local Uni") 

I was a dreamer since as young as I could remember. I aced in my geography. I knew many of the capital cities of the worlds, I had a world map stuck on my wall during my childhood years.

What is RM500K in the future in the year 2030? What can Ariya choose to study and where can he go with just RM500K in 2030? 

Then comes my baby girl, how can I not keep aside some money for her as well to have the opportunity to choose what she wants to study! Would I sound unfair if I were to only give her RM250K? 

I think when I retire at 55yo, my EPF would have about RM400K. Should I maintain good health and have the good karma to a long life, assume I live up to 80yo, and no holiday trip ever, I can only spend up to RM1300 per month.

I would not hope for my children to give me allowance in my old age. If my body is still able, I want to live a independent life. I can even renounce to be a nun or be an engaged-Buddhist social worker.

Back to my husband, should I really be gone before him, and after my 2 kids are well tucked in a good university and I still have some extra $$$.... I don't mind giving him some, not for his daily BAU expenditure. It has to be something meaningful and enriching to his self-development. 

I want him to use the extra $$$ to either expand his business, or to invest in himself (ie. attend coaching / self-development training). Does he really know himself... does he even have a goal in his life, if he doesn't need a goal in life, and can live everyday with only a weekly / monthly plan, might as well become a monk! 

I remember he wanted to buy a house with me, way back then when we were dating. That's about it. Later I initiated marriage. Later I influence him to have 1 child. Then much later influence for 2nd child. Travel to Japan, Taiwan, HongKong? I came up with the idea. There would be trips that he'd go without me, they are usually trips planned by an organisation, not his own initiative, not his own novelty.   

It's quite a waste of my hard earn money, to leave it for such kind of personality to have no meaningful purpose for his life. If he can come out with a great business proposal, if he can start up something (doesn't matter if he will succeed or not), if he were to attend training courses to better himself - why not go for it. I wish my whatever little $ left can be used optimally.

Sigh.. If he were to read this, he would surely feel sore and flare up. That is his default reaction to my words and thoughts, no matter how nicely or gently I put my words... he doesn't take it positively or happily. Its like the existance of me makes him melancholy. 

But I'm sure the non-existance of me would not necessary make him bright and joyful. What am I writing a suicide note? Puhleaseee..... The zero-melancholy eccentric person that I am? 

I am writing this... because I'm ready to die.

The idea of moving house for my family

My family here means just me, sayang, my son and my baby daughter (yes did I tell you my baby inside my tummy now is a girl!!!) - we might be moving to a new house upper unit of a town house! I've never really thought of this idea, as the most insane thing I thought was to have my parents in law to chip in some $ and for my family to refinance my current small little townhouse, to combine the $$ for a bigger house, perhaps with 2 living rooms!

My ah Soh things the old folks should have their own space - contrary to what I observe with regard to the old folks. They don't seems to need their own space, they want to be 'needed'. They want to have control over small little things, they want to 'parent' my son as if he is their own son instead of their grandson. I can't tell what my old age will be like, I might consider to renounce and go stay in a monastery... certainly I tell myself I don't want to be glued to my kids when they are grown up.

On and off I'll drift off visualizing me and my nuclear family living at the upper unit of the town house... the one we saw first was fully furnish RM700k which seems quite a good deal to me, the only problem I have is the living room without window, hence aircon is always switched on... I don't fancy that idea. I don't mind the walking up the stairs...

There's a 2nd unit that we saw which is not within this compound but very nearby, with the front gate facing the road, hence not guarded, no maintenance fee.. RM580k and the design is 'narrower' and taller. Living room has balcony, master bedroom has high ceiling and windows at 2 side of the wall. There is a rooftop where it can be converted to a rooftop garden with a nice Bandar Utama / Kg Cempaka view. Problem is there is only 2 bathrooms, 1 is attached with master bedroom, and 1 is common shared bathroom, hence no bathroom nor toilet at the same floor with the kitchen/dining area. Maybe its not such a big deal... the narrow porch means we can't really park inside... what's the point having a long porch yet not able to park even 1 car inside?!

This week hopefully we can get to view another neighbor upper unit Malay owned but the asking price is higher, RM750K... i'm curious to know if there's gonna be window or air-well...

I'm not 100% sure what I'd like to wish for in this aspect... the bigger the expectation, the higher the disappointment. Many times I wonder, what if I didn't get married at all... why get married and then have to put up with living with parents in law? Dating was a breeze, discussing about marriage was manageable, pulling off the less-than-perfect wedding with whatever little resources with both had combined was a satisfactory feat. We never once discussed about the future of our lives where my husband's parents would be permanently my husband's responsibility. I had to decide for them what they should eat for their meals... if I don't decide, my husband would only say "you settle your own lunch/dinner".

Why can't they be a lil' more like my own parents?! My dad would decide what he wants to eat, he would go out tapau for himself and for my mom if he knows she likes the food. Or he may tell me he doesn't want this nor that... he knows what he wants to eat. And he decides. My mom on the other hand, is always thinking of to be on a diet, no need to pack food for her, there is ALWAYS finger food in my parents house. She might just boil some sweet potatoes and or tong-sui and that's it her meal. And I would always have something to eat at my parents house. Why is my parents-in-law so stingy on spending esp my fil? Why is that other people have to decide for them what they're going to eat?

On the home / living front, why is that the 2 sons have to decide for their mother that she should sell her Setapak condo? Why they have to tell their parents to buy their own house to live in while they both are reluctant to make that decision?

I'm so damn proud of my own parents, who are independent grown ups, who are responsible and not immature, who can for see their future, and knew what they wanted. They bought over the double-sty ancestor house from all their siblings and will eventually pass it down to my brother. I have no problem with that, as its their wishes, I respect their wishes. And because the double-sty house is fairly big, my brother & his nuclear family could also live happily together with my parents.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM my situation!!! My parents in law are occupying me and my husband's house! Did they give money to their 2nd son for this house?! Errr no.... oh ya just the TV is bought by my fil. Hubby has inherited some of this im-clueless-about-what-i-want syndrome from his parents....

Perhaps abang has taken all that 'chi' away with him... that drive, that passion to excel and succeed and to provide a comfortable life for his nuclear family. I wish abang would give back some of this 'chi' back to his parents... and then influence his only brother... to be more self-assured and confident in their thoughts.

Oh I do know what I want, and most of whatever I want would hurt my sensitive submissive mil. I'm after all a kind Buddhist person, I still don't have the courage to fight it all out assertively to make my mil to fully comply with my wishes at ALL times. My fil?!? is a gone case... he knows... he knows.... he pretend he dunno.... u talk apple, he answer u orange. he can fake deaf or senile easily, to avoid the situation the day the daughter-in-law finally put a foot down and ban him from living together under the same roof. See which daughter-in-law la... may be me, may not be me... my ah Soh is certainly not to be bullied.

Make my aspiration - that there will be a conclusion of this 'idea' of us living a separate house nearby. As I dislike people starting things without finishing it... don't leave things half hanging. Always come to a conclusion, decide, make a choice - what YOU really WANT!!!

Mother of all conversation

What is my feeling now? Last night after sayang shared with me about the 'mother of all conversation' his parents and him and abang had (without me again?!!). The outcome sounds better than what I'd expected and I actually felt a peaceful sense of relief at the immediate moment.

But then as my mind wonder further, on the how's and whatifs..

Well you see, realistically and pragmatically I just wish that my in law can go back to their own house or stay with abang. But the 2 sons kept insisting for my mil to sell off her one and only property of her own (to complicate things) and now the solution is for my mil and fil to combine their $ to buy a house NEAR me (after selling mil setapak hse), so near you can even walk over. Which everybody seems to AGREE!

Of course ideally its a good solution, but can you imagine you're 70+ and still need to go through the hassle of buying a new house, and use up whatever weak energy you have to MOVE your belongings from one house to another house? And then to sort out the extra monthly bills to pay when you're already retired.

It's not going to be overnight, it would be quite hopeful to think that they will complete their moving to a house nearby me within 2 years.

In my own mind, I was thinking to myself if we could co-share buy a bigger house to fit in my kids and my parents in law together, with 2 set of living rooms. This idea didn't come out from sayang... maybe he knows this wont really give me the real peace & freedom & space that I'm yearning for.

I hinted boldly to my ahsoh that the only way that I get to redeem my freedom is for them to take the initiative to invite my pil to stay with them. And abang seems to want both his parents to join him in Spore moving forwards as he & his whole migrate over. Actually me and abang are in the same boat of thought!

Abang, don't worry about your younger brother and me... we will be FINE on our own. We dont get home cooked food every day is OK, we can cook very simple meals and learn to cope within our own means. We can educate our child the way that we want without interference from your weird folks.

I will go down the book as a bad daughter in law who indirectly chase her in law out of the comfort of her own house. But why doesn it not concern me much? I dont feel guilty nor regret? Ahsoh show me and proof to me you can get along beautiful with your pil in your new home... I wish you all the best! You can do it! You will succeed in where I failed... its ok! I never asked for it anyway. 

Vesak 2017 ~ this lousy mind of mine

I'm 10 weeks preggy now with my 3rd baby inside me. So far no spotting, no bloody show. First scan at 6 weeks was all good with heart beat detected by Dr. Hoo. Its a no-brainer why I chose to go back to my 1st gynae afterall, she guided me through my natural miscarriage last year in the month of May.

If all good this baby will greet the world perhaps on the same birthday as Ariya! There is a hope that I'll get a baby sister for Ariya gege... we'll see about that. It is of course perfectly fine if I get another baby boy. As long as baby is healthy and peaceful.

Don't follow mummy's imperfect state of mind, day in day out, always wondering why she's living in the same house with her fil that she got no respect for. Even her own beloved father has advised "why you so like that!" He is very different from other fatherly-figure that you can imagine. Maybe I will never be able to truly fully accept him for the perverted self-centered obnoxious loud person that he is... maybe it really doesn't help when his own wife is always relaying all the bad things about him... surely it doesn't help when his own son speak loudly rudely to him as well... it really doesn't help whenever he occupy my guestroom upstairs (my children's future bedroom).

I can't help it, I got a pair of good ears I can hear the TV switched on very loudly. I prefer my home to be quiet and peaceful, or sometimes just with background music on - definitely NOT SOUND OF THE NOISY TV polluting the air waves in my house.

Did I mention that I really wish that if I were to be on confinement period, I wish he's not sharing the same "living space" with me. I very much prefer to be bra-less at all times, resting quietly at home with my newborn child, perhaps with a confinement lady to take care of me and newborn baby. Many a times, I think about how I'm half owner of my home, but my space and freedom is definitely violated. Freedom to raise my son the way I wanted. Freedom from being constantly reminded of petty stuff that I don't need, and don't want to be reminded of. Freedom from not having to hear his voice telling my son what to do repeatedly every single time he sees my son. Its like he got nobody to talks to, he talks to my son every single time. I can't imagine myself growing up and having some grown up telling me this and that and this and that.... I choose freedom. I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD LIKE AN IDIOT THIS THAT THIS THAT every time!

I'm ever more thankful my parents have always let me be me! I do my homework when I want to do. I take my bath when I want to take my bath. I eat when I'm hungry. I love my son - I want him to too to enjoy the freedom that I had as a child and up until before I got married. Do I actually love my spouse or not? Well it takes 2 to Tango, and it takes alot of practice to perfect something even a relationship. Its easy to fall in love, or fall in the love with the idea of falling in love. And then what to live harmoniously till death do us part - its gonna take whole lot more effort, nurturing, kindness and understanding to stay happily married till death do us part!

Its sad and hurtful whenever sayang raise his voice at me, although he doesn't admit he is raising his voice, because he think he's just speaking/talking assertively. Other husbands would know it and some (like my dad) will often just stay quiet to please their yes-dear wife. I didn't marry to this type of guy. The I guy I married is the offspring of his chauvinistic-first-born-in-the-family-don't-give-a-fuck-of-his-inlaw father. What does he know about respecting his in-law family? How many people I know who is actually not on talking terms with this man?

Want to judge me for being a lousy daughter in law, or judge me for always having negative thoughts about my fil? Come be in my shoe, come and imagine yourself married into this weird family. Oh that I tell you that I'm not the only daughter-in-law that he has but I'm the one who has to put up living under the same roof with him? My karma or what?! Sigh....


Happy Wesak 2017!!!

This is my fight song

On 2nd Nov when my immediate boss came back from Deepavali, I braved myself to walk up to his cubicle to show him the letter sealed in a lousy envelope. He was calm and collected as usual but totally did not expect it to happen again. In Sep last year, I had the experience of tendering my resignation letter but was then rejected. That time I was naive. I didn't foresee what would happen after I'd tender, which is coaxing and sweet talk from my boss to make me stay.

I'm being reminded fiercely this time around, not to be soft hearten, and brave through the resignation saga, be firm this time - no retraction! On the next day while on leave and while driving alone, my lunch buddy whats-app me that news had spread. So as it sink in me that my bosses had finally accepted my resignation - emotion sets in. I cried in my car (first time overwhelmed with tears due to my leaving).

Well I have quite a number of ex-colleagues who's been rooting for me all these while to finally leave this place for good. Is it that bad? No... I don't wake up everyday dreading to go to work. But I always wonder "what if?" The curious cat inside me has this burning desire to discover WHAT IF i could start a new life in a new job? What if I could actually demand for a higher salary? What if I could finally be attached with a Malaysian company? I will NEVER KNOW if I never took the first step (of this thousand-mile journey). What if I started working under my fellow ex-Acn cllg from way back then? I KNEW he is a very happy-go-lucky cheeky guy. I haven't worked with him, but I sense the aura of good nature.

Not to say that my existing boss has a bad aura, my immediate boss and his boss are 2 guys that honestly I can't decipher their true nature. In Chinese, we call them - 鬼. What they tell you today may not be what they mean tomorrow. Well I should not gossip more about what I think about them, it's not going to help me improve myself. The one thing I do learn from them is how to be tactful and deceptive in communication. I don't have to give away all that I know, I must filter and process my answer, when answering different people. This way people won't know what's on your card! Why does it have to be us against them?

There was an article I read about why good employees leave, and I concur essentially, and I wish to highlight :

6. Lack of trust
Your employees have a vantage point for viewing your behavior and weigh it against your commitments. If they see you dealing unethically with vendors, lying to stakeholders, cheating clients, or failing to keep your word, the best and most principled of them will leave. The rest, even worse, will stay behind and follow your lead.

I know I'm surely going to miss my fella colleagues. In fact so many people has come and go during my 8-year stint in this company. I'd always wished to hop to a new company ever since my first Windows-funny-guy-teammate PFM left, just one month after my 1st Windows team HOD resigned. Then I had to deal with mr. ST big boss who was extremely long winded, who could take 2 freaking' hour sharing about his point of view, and my 2nd Windows team mr. nice K; both of them left just as I was only 2-month pregnant. If I was not pregnant, big boss offered me the chance to be acting team-lead to replace K! Though I wanted to be a leader, but I'm not ready to be a Windows-team team leader.

All in all.... like a friend once told me, being a mom, is really not suitable to be in the Windows support role. Of course nobody is stopping a woman to out wit, out play, and out last in this male-dominant technology industry . I must admit it is MORE difficult for a mom to shine and to climb high compare to their male colleagues, even with the same mindset & passion. I've always thought of those high achiever corporate leader mom as "supermom"!

Seriously can I really have the best of both a successful career and a healthy balanced family life? Have you seen a very successfully corporate leader mom, who could also nurture her offspring dutifully? Perhaps I should make a sincere aspiration to meet my corporate supermom mentor sooner or later. I know the author of the book "Lean In" -- Sheryl Sandberg, if she could have 3 kids and still be the Chief Operating Officer in Facebook. Well I haven't read the book yet, I must do it when I travel to Hong Kong this year end with my sayang & my cheeky boy.

~*~

Updated: 13th Nov  2016

The second time I cry for the same leaving-my-8-year-old-job-boo-boo, was last Friday after work, while driving to catch up with my ex-colleagues buddies for dinner. It was pretty overwhelming thinking of meeting all of them again after a long while, and how I felt surreal that I'm finally leaving my present job and to join all of them as one ex-UOB.

I spent 6 years in primary school, 6 years in secondary school, 4years+ in University... being in UOB for 8 years is the longest 'stay' I ever experienced in my life! It's during these 8 years, I had my wedding, my baby was born, I was a fully breastfeed mummy for 10-months, I was juggling having 5 new bosses every year for my first 5 years... what else? I had a miscarriage, I had a promotion, I had a PIP....

Enough is enough! Each time I think about my Windows-team work load, I think of nerve wreaking, neck breaking quantum of never ending to-do lists.

Today I listened to my son's preschool concert graduation son - Fight Song - tears seep through - I could resonate with the lyrics, with all these emotions surrounding me at this point of my life ~*~

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Missed miscarriage

Last first day of period was 4th March. I had my 'PT' on my mobile to track my period start dates. After 2 try, I got pregnant. Happy? I must be happy... because I could meet the 2016 baby delivery date, then my 2nd child would be able to start school same year with all the monkey year babies.

It's been 7 weeks plus now, I've got my 2nd opinion with Dr. Hoo... who confirmed with Dr. Nicholas Lim diagnosis that I've had a missed miscarriage. The heartbeat was not detected during my 5th week scan, and the size of the fetus seems to shrunk. The sac also looked like it collapsed.

I'm given 3 options, to wait out for it to pass out naturally. Or I can take medicine to help to speed up the natural process. Or third option go for d&c.

From how the doc described d&c, which means I'd be put to sleep for 10 mins, with full body anesthetic, that sorta freak me out!

Hmm... but I just read a blog post about a lady who experience the tummy cramp and pain that she endured while naturally passing the sac out... and then followed by heavy bleeding... that sounds pretty scary too!

Anyway, I wouldn't know if this baby would be a boy or a girl. I'd wished for a baby girl... after Ariya my lovely kind boy. If it was a girl, my husband found the Pali name "Aira". Well he wants the name to start with A... family tradition kot. I was thinking to myself if its a boy, then the name "Aiya"!!!

On last Thursday 21st April, when Dr. Nicholas confirm my missed miscarriage in the evening after work when we went for the 2nd scan.... of course I cried. Not long later in the car, my phone rang... stupid IT support call that I had to pick up even though I was still grieving with the loss! And that was NOT an easy support call that would end in few seconds. The whole dingdong lasted through out the night until the next morning! Gosh... I guessed it sorta helped me to sleep since I was so tired, and I had to continue to support and had no chance to think about my dead baby.

My mom would highly encourage me to go for d&c, get over and done with quickly.

I'm not ready to go for two weeks mc. I need to go back to office to settle some stuff, to handover whatever I need to, before I schedule for a d&c. Its been 2 weeks and no sign of abdominal cramp nor bleeding.

Do I want to continue to try again after this? Well for sure I wont' be able to meet the 2016 delivery... if I do deliver in 2017, my 2nd child would be 5 years apart from my 1st child. Hope they can still 'play together'.

Ariya my boy is soooooooo caring. When I broke the news to him in the car while driving just with him, I told him mummy's baby is gone... die already. Ariya got no more little brother or sister. Then my tears rolled, Ariya consoled me "mummy I take care of you!" and try to give me a hug. I think I would have no regret in life if I should have only one child, my boy Ariya. I thought it would be better if I gave him a sibling to grow up with.... he too wanted to have a little brother or sister. He likes babies alot! He's such a charming loving caring kind boy, I'm so smitten by my own son. 

Am I ever gonna come to terms with my fil?

I'm upstairs, I can't go downstairs in my own home, because I'm braless and my fil is downstairs waiting tv very loudly. 90% of his awake time is sitting in front of the idiot box, with very loud volume that I could hear from my bedroom if I didn't close the door.

I'm the half owner of this house, but I can only confine to my own room since my fil moved in to live with us. This post is not about my mil, as recently I've sorta openly communicated my grudges with her. That was very easy, she's such a nice lady, open communication is not as difficult as I'd expected. 

Back to my fil, how am I supposed to have a heart-to-heart talk with him? The male chauvinist pig that doesn't earn my respect at all. A husband who yell at his wife even at his elderly age. A father-in-law who don't respect the wishes of the dil to 'backoff' my young child. Few of my friends who has in law staying with them, only have their mil, no fil. This I can understand how its not that difficult... mothers are kind and understanding people who would always give in to their son/daughter/sil/dil.

My fil is a completely weird, like from another planet. I don't know what good karma he has, that he is not having estranged relationship with his 2 sons.... 

I know I subconsciously fear that my husband will learn and inherit his negative qualities. This stubborn difficult old man who behaves like the world owes him. 

It's not fun when I wish to organise a holiday or a dinner makan, where my side of the relative will check see whether my fil is joining or not first. It's no fun having him around, where he irritates you more than anything else. 

What can I do about it? Nothing. I can't take a gun to kill him. I can't wish him dead. Can I send him metta? Send him lotsa loving thoughts? Very very difficult... 

Is it such an impossible wish that I wish for quiet nights when I'm home from after work. I just want no tv sound..... will I be happy if the tv is totally off? I can at least meditate and relax. Or even switch on my fave music.