Vesak 2017 ~ this lousy mind of mine

I'm 10 weeks preggy now with my 3rd baby inside me. So far no spotting, no bloody show. First scan at 6 weeks was all good with heart beat detected by Dr. Hoo. Its a no-brainer why I chose to go back to my 1st gynae afterall, she guided me through my natural miscarriage last year in the month of May.

If all good this baby will greet the world perhaps on the same birthday as Ariya! There is a hope that I'll get a baby sister for Ariya gege... we'll see about that. It is of course perfectly fine if I get another baby boy. As long as baby is healthy and peaceful.

Don't follow mummy's imperfect state of mind, day in day out, always wondering why she's living in the same house with her fil that she got no respect for. Even her own beloved father has advised "why you so like that!" He is very different from other fatherly-figure that you can imagine. Maybe I will never be able to truly fully accept him for the perverted self-centered obnoxious loud person that he is... maybe it really doesn't help when his own wife is always relaying all the bad things about him... surely it doesn't help when his own son speak loudly rudely to him as well... it really doesn't help whenever he occupy my guestroom upstairs (my children's future bedroom).

I can't help it, I got a pair of good ears I can hear the TV switched on very loudly. I prefer my home to be quiet and peaceful, or sometimes just with background music on - definitely NOT SOUND OF THE NOISY TV polluting the air waves in my house.

Did I mention that I really wish that if I were to be on confinement period, I wish he's not sharing the same "living space" with me. I very much prefer to be bra-less at all times, resting quietly at home with my newborn child, perhaps with a confinement lady to take care of me and newborn baby. Many a times, I think about how I'm half owner of my home, but my space and freedom is definitely violated. Freedom to raise my son the way I wanted. Freedom from being constantly reminded of petty stuff that I don't need, and don't want to be reminded of. Freedom from not having to hear his voice telling my son what to do repeatedly every single time he sees my son. Its like he got nobody to talks to, he talks to my son every single time. I can't imagine myself growing up and having some grown up telling me this and that and this and that.... I choose freedom. I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD LIKE AN IDIOT THIS THAT THIS THAT every time!

I'm ever more thankful my parents have always let me be me! I do my homework when I want to do. I take my bath when I want to take my bath. I eat when I'm hungry. I love my son - I want him to too to enjoy the freedom that I had as a child and up until before I got married. Do I actually love my spouse or not? Well it takes 2 to Tango, and it takes alot of practice to perfect something even a relationship. Its easy to fall in love, or fall in the love with the idea of falling in love. And then what to live harmoniously till death do us part - its gonna take whole lot more effort, nurturing, kindness and understanding to stay happily married till death do us part!

Its sad and hurtful whenever sayang raise his voice at me, although he doesn't admit he is raising his voice, because he think he's just speaking/talking assertively. Other husbands would know it and some (like my dad) will often just stay quiet to please their yes-dear wife. I didn't marry to this type of guy. The I guy I married is the offspring of his chauvinistic-first-born-in-the-family-don't-give-a-fuck-of-his-inlaw father. What does he know about respecting his in-law family? How many people I know who is actually not on talking terms with this man?

Want to judge me for being a lousy daughter in law, or judge me for always having negative thoughts about my fil? Come be in my shoe, come and imagine yourself married into this weird family. Oh that I tell you that I'm not the only daughter-in-law that he has but I'm the one who has to put up living under the same roof with him? My karma or what?! Sigh....


Happy Wesak 2017!!!

This is my fight song

On 2nd Nov when my immediate boss came back from Deepavali, I braved myself to walk up to his cubicle to show him the letter sealed in a lousy envelope. He was calm and collected as usual but totally did not expect it to happen again. In Sep last year, I had the experience of tendering my resignation letter but was then rejected. That time I was naive. I didn't foresee what would happen after I'd tender, which is coaxing and sweet talk from my boss to make me stay.

I'm being reminded fiercely this time around, not to be soft hearten, and brave through the resignation saga, be firm this time - no retraction! On the next day while on leave and while driving alone, my lunch buddy whats-app me that news had spread. So as it sink in me that my bosses had finally accepted my resignation - emotion sets in. I cried in my car (first time overwhelmed with tears due to my leaving).

Well I have quite a number of ex-colleagues who's been rooting for me all these while to finally leave this place for good. Is it that bad? No... I don't wake up everyday dreading to go to work. But I always wonder "what if?" The curious cat inside me has this burning desire to discover WHAT IF i could start a new life in a new job? What if I could actually demand for a higher salary? What if I could finally be attached with a Malaysian company? I will NEVER KNOW if I never took the first step (of this thousand-mile journey). What if I started working under my fellow ex-Acn cllg from way back then? I KNEW he is a very happy-go-lucky cheeky guy. I haven't worked with him, but I sense the aura of good nature.

Not to say that my existing boss has a bad aura, my immediate boss and his boss are 2 guys that honestly I can't decipher their true nature. In Chinese, we call them - 鬼. What they tell you today may not be what they mean tomorrow. Well I should not gossip more about what I think about them, it's not going to help me improve myself. The one thing I do learn from them is how to be tactful and deceptive in communication. I don't have to give away all that I know, I must filter and process my answer, when answering different people. This way people won't know what's on your card! Why does it have to be us against them?

There was an article I read about why good employees leave, and I concur essentially, and I wish to highlight :

6. Lack of trust
Your employees have a vantage point for viewing your behavior and weigh it against your commitments. If they see you dealing unethically with vendors, lying to stakeholders, cheating clients, or failing to keep your word, the best and most principled of them will leave. The rest, even worse, will stay behind and follow your lead.

I know I'm surely going to miss my fella colleagues. In fact so many people has come and go during my 8-year stint in this company. I'd always wished to hop to a new company ever since my first Windows-funny-guy-teammate PFM left, just one month after my 1st Windows team HOD resigned. Then I had to deal with mr. ST big boss who was extremely long winded, who could take 2 freaking' hour sharing about his point of view, and my 2nd Windows team mr. nice K; both of them left just as I was only 2-month pregnant. If I was not pregnant, big boss offered me the chance to be acting team-lead to replace K! Though I wanted to be a leader, but I'm not ready to be a Windows-team team leader.

All in all.... like a friend once told me, being a mom, is really not suitable to be in the Windows support role. Of course nobody is stopping a woman to out wit, out play, and out last in this male-dominant technology industry . I must admit it is MORE difficult for a mom to shine and to climb high compare to their male colleagues, even with the same mindset & passion. I've always thought of those high achiever corporate leader mom as "supermom"!

Seriously can I really have the best of both a successful career and a healthy balanced family life? Have you seen a very successfully corporate leader mom, who could also nurture her offspring dutifully? Perhaps I should make a sincere aspiration to meet my corporate supermom mentor sooner or later. I know the author of the book "Lean In" -- Sheryl Sandberg, if she could have 3 kids and still be the Chief Operating Officer in Facebook. Well I haven't read the book yet, I must do it when I travel to Hong Kong this year end with my sayang & my cheeky boy.

~*~

Updated: 13th Nov  2016

The second time I cry for the same leaving-my-8-year-old-job-boo-boo, was last Friday after work, while driving to catch up with my ex-colleagues buddies for dinner. It was pretty overwhelming thinking of meeting all of them again after a long while, and how I felt surreal that I'm finally leaving my present job and to join all of them as one ex-UOB.

I spent 6 years in primary school, 6 years in secondary school, 4years+ in University... being in UOB for 8 years is the longest 'stay' I ever experienced in my life! It's during these 8 years, I had my wedding, my baby was born, I was a fully breastfeed mummy for 10-months, I was juggling having 5 new bosses every year for my first 5 years... what else? I had a miscarriage, I had a promotion, I had a PIP....

Enough is enough! Each time I think about my Windows-team work load, I think of nerve wreaking, neck breaking quantum of never ending to-do lists.

Today I listened to my son's preschool concert graduation son - Fight Song - tears seep through - I could resonate with the lyrics, with all these emotions surrounding me at this point of my life ~*~

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Missed miscarriage

Last first day of period was 4th March. I had my 'PT' on my mobile to track my period start dates. After 2 try, I got pregnant. Happy? I must be happy... because I could meet the 2016 baby delivery date, then my 2nd child would be able to start school same year with all the monkey year babies.

It's been 7 weeks plus now, I've got my 2nd opinion with Dr. Hoo... who confirmed with Dr. Nicholas Lim diagnosis that I've had a missed miscarriage. The heartbeat was not detected during my 5th week scan, and the size of the fetus seems to shrunk. The sac also looked like it collapsed.

I'm given 3 options, to wait out for it to pass out naturally. Or I can take medicine to help to speed up the natural process. Or third option go for d&c.

From how the doc described d&c, which means I'd be put to sleep for 10 mins, with full body anesthetic, that sorta freak me out!

Hmm... but I just read a blog post about a lady who experience the tummy cramp and pain that she endured while naturally passing the sac out... and then followed by heavy bleeding... that sounds pretty scary too!

Anyway, I wouldn't know if this baby would be a boy or a girl. I'd wished for a baby girl... after Ariya my lovely kind boy. If it was a girl, my husband found the Pali name "Aira". Well he wants the name to start with A... family tradition kot. I was thinking to myself if its a boy, then the name "Aiya"!!!

On last Thursday 21st April, when Dr. Nicholas confirm my missed miscarriage in the evening after work when we went for the 2nd scan.... of course I cried. Not long later in the car, my phone rang... stupid IT support call that I had to pick up even though I was still grieving with the loss! And that was NOT an easy support call that would end in few seconds. The whole dingdong lasted through out the night until the next morning! Gosh... I guessed it sorta helped me to sleep since I was so tired, and I had to continue to support and had no chance to think about my dead baby.

My mom would highly encourage me to go for d&c, get over and done with quickly.

I'm not ready to go for two weeks mc. I need to go back to office to settle some stuff, to handover whatever I need to, before I schedule for a d&c. Its been 2 weeks and no sign of abdominal cramp nor bleeding.

Do I want to continue to try again after this? Well for sure I wont' be able to meet the 2016 delivery... if I do deliver in 2017, my 2nd child would be 5 years apart from my 1st child. Hope they can still 'play together'.

Ariya my boy is soooooooo caring. When I broke the news to him in the car while driving just with him, I told him mummy's baby is gone... die already. Ariya got no more little brother or sister. Then my tears rolled, Ariya consoled me "mummy I take care of you!" and try to give me a hug. I think I would have no regret in life if I should have only one child, my boy Ariya. I thought it would be better if I gave him a sibling to grow up with.... he too wanted to have a little brother or sister. He likes babies alot! He's such a charming loving caring kind boy, I'm so smitten by my own son. 

Am I ever gonna come to terms with my fil?

I'm upstairs, I can't go downstairs in my own home, because I'm braless and my fil is downstairs waiting tv very loudly. 90% of his awake time is sitting in front of the idiot box, with very loud volume that I could hear from my bedroom if I didn't close the door.

I'm the half owner of this house, but I can only confine to my own room since my fil moved in to live with us. This post is not about my mil, as recently I've sorta openly communicated my grudges with her. That was very easy, she's such a nice lady, open communication is not as difficult as I'd expected. 

Back to my fil, how am I supposed to have a heart-to-heart talk with him? The male chauvinist pig that doesn't earn my respect at all. A husband who yell at his wife even at his elderly age. A father-in-law who don't respect the wishes of the dil to 'backoff' my young child. Few of my friends who has in law staying with them, only have their mil, no fil. This I can understand how its not that difficult... mothers are kind and understanding people who would always give in to their son/daughter/sil/dil.

My fil is a completely weird, like from another planet. I don't know what good karma he has, that he is not having estranged relationship with his 2 sons.... 

I know I subconsciously fear that my husband will learn and inherit his negative qualities. This stubborn difficult old man who behaves like the world owes him. 

It's not fun when I wish to organise a holiday or a dinner makan, where my side of the relative will check see whether my fil is joining or not first. It's no fun having him around, where he irritates you more than anything else. 

What can I do about it? Nothing. I can't take a gun to kill him. I can't wish him dead. Can I send him metta? Send him lotsa loving thoughts? Very very difficult... 

Is it such an impossible wish that I wish for quiet nights when I'm home from after work. I just want no tv sound..... will I be happy if the tv is totally off? I can at least meditate and relax. Or even switch on my fave music.

I miss my mom ALOTTT!

I was reading some psychology article about managing in-law relationship, and the reason why sometimes a dil couldn't accept or relate to the behavior/culture/practices of the in-laws is because of the on-set of own personal unresolved issue. Ok im not exactly sure what im talking about but point is i came to realise why i have resentment towards living with my pil.

I came home last night as usual dinner is ready on the table.. i scoop the soup boiled by my mil... the thought that came is rarely “thankful” but “this is so different from ny mom's soup”. This comparison subconsciously appear in my head many many times. All my mil cooking reminds me the fact that she cooks differently from my mom...

Then it struck me, my resentment and my dunno how to appreciate my mil could be due to one emotional honest truth that i miss my mom!

The everything that i don't relate to about my pil is because i've been brought up my parents way. The only way and method that i could relate to.

I miss my freedom because my mom gave me supreme freedom! I managed my own life all my life! Why do i resent each time my mil clean up the dirty dishes after dinner? Because my mom dont do that! She instruct me or my brother to do the clean up.

I always wonder myself crazy why i dont know how to appreciate someone so distinct like my mil, so not my like my own mom.

Now i know why... because I.miss. my. mom.ALOTTT!!!!

My rant

Its been 3 years now since I gave birth to my son. I don't know how long more i have to sabarrr (be patient) to live together under the same roof with them.

If only there's a sign or possible answer to my repeated question ~ when? Can u imagine working hard in your life without ever knowing when your getting your answer you've been yearning for.

Maybe the answer could be negative that is fine. So atleast thats an answer that i can work around with ie. Work out an alternative solution. People shouldnt be left in the dark uncertain and anxiously waiting for answer... the clock is ticking every single second. With each passing moment my pressure build up inside. When will i burst?

Its December now. All i want for xmas.... is answer.

I want change. Change i want. If i dont get any answer by xmas i guess i'll take matters into my own hands. 

How to "have compassion"?

This is what sayang said to me "have compassion" (referring to his parents, as he couldn't choose his father nor his mother for that matter).

I'm not sure if he is indeed having compassion himself towards me. I'm not sure if you can "ask" compassion to be given, if it was that easy, I could just open my wallet and nah - compassion!

As the saying goes - life is always a 'choice'. What option do I want to undertake? I guess at end of the day, my root issue with my self, is as i've let 'chance' to determine my path, and not able to break free to make conscious decision everyday, to be happy! To feel free!

Ok... maybe i should start creating a list... what truly makes me happy, and what I think I really want ::

1. Sit for the Citrix Certified Administrator (CCA) which by now is already a legacy cert, but company has sent me for training, I must make sure I sit for the exam, pass, and get certified! Target July 14th.

2. Play building blocks or read more books together with my son! Inspire my son to learn and encourage him to be good boy ( not just one who likes to manja his grandma only ).

3. Get motivated at work, learn the art of people-management, impress my bosses, get a good raise, or just add value to my career... so that when I really aspire to jump ship, I can land myself with a damn good company, with good benefits, and have a successful career ( that comes with moderate work life balance ).

4. It would be a nice wish, but I know I can't change other people - I wish my sayang would change for me. Sounds impossible eh? Yes I knew it... I just haven't sink in that fact.... maybe perhaps possibly?! Ahhh... but its such a magical wish ain't it? I wish like how the fairy tale weddings are like, where the man would say "yes" to anything the wife say / ask. Like when I say I wanna go Penang book this hotel, you say "yes dear" not "its too expensive we can stay at another place"... so anti-climax! Or when I so syiok sendiri plan for holiday for myself and the family to get away, you want to bring your father along (although I didn't plan to fit him in). Did your brother fit your father in when he plan for his family outing?

5. Go swimming.... like for real! I've gone swimming by myself since giving birth to my son... last I went to pool to paddle in the deep pool is when I was pregnant with Ariya.... oh i really miss swimming the breaststroke.

6. Go shopping! Ooohhh retail therapy... is. so. fun! Wish I'm not that broke, have no money worries, and just spend! I like shopping and buying things as gifts for people! For grandma birthday.. for friends' baby birthday... for christmas present... for myself... for my mil or my parents... ahhhhh...

7. Find  Meet my spiritual master or shifu, in my quest for liberation. Ajahn Brahm? Thubten Chodron? Ven. Amaranatho? Ven. Sing Kan? I. want. to. break. free!

Freedom alas I shall taste... when hunger no more in the haste... may my mind be free from chase... may my life and time not go to waste! 

My parents vs my pil

The difference btwn growing up with my parents vs growing up with my hubby’s parents.

My dad will not interfere I shouldn’t buy for my boy.

My fil told me next time don’t buy xxx because yyy.

My parents are fine with having baby girl, not necessary must have boy.

My fil would always prefer having baby boy, and better still if 1^st and 2^nd child are boys.

My parents will always have a daughter to always care and think about them, and always discuss things with them.

My in-laws and their sons doesn’t reveal everything to each other, got things to hide.

My parents will openly ask me and my bro for money if they need money.

My in-laws don’t share info about money.

My parents own quite a big house, and my bro and his family can live together with my parents for a really long time.

My in-laws own a very small house, and they’ve now moved in to 2^nd/youngest son house which is quite small, no plan to talk about where they’ll live in their later years.

My mom will never claim that she is good cook nor proclaim to people she can x or y very well.

My mil will happily let everybody know she’s great cook in x-dish and always invite everyone to come to eat.

On the similar note…

My parents never people tell people how good their own children are (they know it in their hearts).

My pil will not be shy to let people know how good their 2 sons are.

Honestly I know I’m struggling mentally and emotionally to cope with living together in the same house with worlds-apart pil.

I can see that my brother’s wife is having an easier life living with my parents, she can shoot my dad just like how I can shoot my dad.

With my in-laws, I can’t shoot. All I can do is keep quiet on anything that I don’t like. And just continue to keep bottling up.

My mom can sense it when her dil is unhappy, my mom can adjust accordingly.

My mil doesn’t seems to sense it that I’m unhappy about certain things, and will continue to do her way.

And I can’t really get my husband side me, he is a strange species, who has zero ‘N’ (in MBTI).

When I got married, I certainly didn’t anticipate what life would be living together (now seems permanent) with my in-laws. Maybe it could work out well for some of people, but for me, the meijoon-ised person that I am – find it really NOT what I’m game for.

If only I could turn back time, to pre-delivery of my baby, that I be firm on my plan for babysitter instead of mil moving in.

But I know its for the best for my baby, to grow up with having overwhelming grand-parental love.

Or is it really THAT good for my child? To be overwhelmed from young, to be over loved from birth, to be treated like a prince or emperor of the universe, and to be able to get away with anything just by crying?!

My Life now is like Dead-end

It takes alot mental energy to think of how to bring back the wooden playpen/cot used by myniece at my parents house. Before that i borrowed a plastic playpen. All didnt work. My mil wld still entertain my son and carry him everywhere whenever he fusses just a little.

All my wishes, my planning, my hope... in reality is dead.

I cannot raise my voice at her because she is not my own mother. She is my mil. Nobody can raise his/her voice at her, even her own sons are so polite and kind with her. Because she is after only toooo kind!

Nobody can truly comprehend my shitty mind-disturbing & pathetic situation that i face every day. People say i dont know how to appreciate her. Yes really i really dont know how! I never ask her to soooo kind! She doesnt listen. She does things her way. She impulsively come over to carry my son although im handling him!!! Who is the mother?

How to appreciate for something that i dont want??!!

I dont want her to lose weight because of my son. I dont want her to have no chance to eat a simple tongsui that she took out fr fridge & put in back in fridge for 3 consecutive days!!!

I hate it each time she mention "you eat first la!!"

I hate it each time each time she stand up from her seat while having her meal to come over to my son....

I hate to know my son would rather look for his grandma when he wants comfort. OMG am i not the mother who loveeeees my own son to bits??! Am i not the mother who'd pump and pump and breastfeed my son everyday? Did you know that even a fully breastfeeding caring mom like me is replacable as a mother? I can just move to spore to work and still pump milk and ship the milk back to my son for her to feed.

I cannot complain. Because im the one who should appreciate my lovely kind and sacrificial mil. It would break my husband apart if he has to choose btwn his mom or me. No Dhamma teacher would condone my 'evil' mind. I cannot tell her off like how i doh all my own relatives and inclding my own parents. Im at peace with myself. No need to pretend to be nice. But with her... i have to behave myself. I cannot say things too blunt. I must filter my words. I cannot be my natural sarcastic self. I cannot scream and shout my displeasure on my facebook anymore because she is also on fb.

I need to go for marriage counselling therapy.

My life is dead.

Blog at work at 2am?!

In the office now for my ungodly hour night shift work. (just as I was typing this the pmo lady came to question me my whereabout between 12.30am to 1am... i'm like WTF??!)

Anyway, I had wanted to blog about my (oh what else now I feel like a broken recorder going on and on again on the same issue) but then I notice there's no such entry in my blog. Who knows 10, 20 years down the road I can read back and laugh about it :P 

I know I love my parents ALOTTTT! But when it comes to parents-in-law, how can I share the same kind of love and gratitude towards them? Is it easy for you? Well recently a friend I know from Sunday school told me she had began to love her MIL even more than her own mother! She even hug and kiss her MIL, and never do that with her own mom. I still cannot do that and cannot imagine if I can ever reach that stage. (i'm not a very showy with affection type of person to begin with)

I appreciate the every little things my MIL does for me and my son. But on the other hand, all the affection and love that she showers her grandchildren, can be interpreted as 'spoil market' (if I'm being sarcastic). Like how I read post on a mummies fb group about MIL -- if they don't care, you will feel you wish for some help, if they care/love too much, you will feel overwhelm. 

There is this thought in my head, on why I feel strongly about my MIL behaviour, it could be because I'm actually on the same boat as her! She is the mirror of me. She care too much for people (sounds like me?) and she likes to keep herself busy (yahh when do you see me stop?) and she's willing to give everything to her sons (like wouldn't any mom on this planet?!). 

Just as I always feel like choking up living in the same house with my inlaws, I must breath in. I cannot shout back. I shall not raise my voice (goshh do you know how often I raise my voice against my own parents??!). Women generally is at the disadvantage. Women gotta marry into the husband family and try to adapt into the husband family culture / norm. But do you think I can humble myself to pay so much respect and put up so much patience with my 2 elderly folks who happen to the parents of the guy that I so happen to agree to get married with? When its 10-20 years later, when pil become very old and perhaps need constant care as they age, will I be so big-hearted to be the care-giver?

I grew up ingraining into my head that I must care for my parents with they're very old and couldn't take care of themselves anymore.... but I never ever thought I'd have to do that for someone's else parents?!! What about my own parents? They don't need me to take care of them when they're old?!! I want to continue to be my parents' amazing daughter! 

Yes, I know my pil would prefer living together with me (the 2nd dil) rather than 1st dil. Isn't it unfair?! Well I can't "complain" it this way, cos its a compliment that people like me more. But "being like" has the disadvantage, where people would expect you to do the job. 

I wish I can make an aspiration (heck why not just make THE aspiration right away) -- I WANT TO OWN A CORNER LOT LANDED PROPERTY that comes with a nice garden, so that the house is bigger than my current honeyhut. Perhaps with a bigger space, I can hide out with my son in the other corner without being heard/seen. Its just overwhelming to have 2 or 4 pair of eyes watching or hands to cradle my son. 

Yes I appreciate the elder generation helping and taking care of the younger generation. But to the extend of pampering them?! Why has society changed? I don't remember my grandma spoiling / pampering me the way the new age grandma does!

ISsshhhhh.... the end. Back to work.