Incomprehensible

Is it incomprehensive or uncomprehensive? But what's so difficult for me to understand? Well, this.

Hmm... how should I put it. Let's say, if the writer was not someone that I am defensive with (how do you say 'fan gan' in English?!), say if it was my uncle who wrote about his unbelievable faith in C-God, and writing about how thankful he'd feel if his favourite niece were to join him in his footsteps to the door of the heavenly Father.

I've attended their service, been there, seen it, heard it, felt it and I just have too many relatives ever trying to 'save' our family, esp from my dad's cousins and my dad's own brother. Yet, I just feel so defensive inside, whenever I read abt my estranged bestfriend unbounded love for her Father in these past couple years. (Note: not her own biological father, the one who gave her a life)

You know how defensive or "fan-gan" isit for me? When I'm alone with my uncle, any deep conversation will lead to he asking why would I wouldn'y give Christ a chance. And there I'll be wondering, why after reading so many books, even Dhamma books, you couldn't see that there is no need for an answer. My uncle's verdict is that he needs an answer, that someone must have created this world for him, and he's not satisfied with what Buddha say, where there's no need to know the asnwer.

When I was younger, remember on the weekends, evangelical Christians will come door to door in my housing area, giving me leaflets to read. At one time, I even allowed a pair of Jehovah Witnesses followers to come sitdown and share with me. Well for that very assertive couple, I couldn't beat them with their sharing, in the end I just stop them from coming.

Back in university, while I was resting in my own dorm, these ladies from I-dunno-what-Christian-group, knocked on our door and somewhat tricked us to let them in. They first ask "can I do a friendship survey?"

Oh yes, why not. Both of them came in... and started talking about friendship, then God then you know it, just trying to convert me. Just under 10 minutes, the conversation ended, as the girl was respectful of my decision not to be converted. But my roommate just got 'converted' within 10 minutes! The girl held my roommate's hands, and asked my roommate to repeat a few lines after the her. It was a "seeking forgiveness from God type of mumblings" with the eyes closed. After that, my ignorant roommate actually believed she's converted to Christianity. That easy!

I tagged along with my roommate, who was invited by this group of people to their 'house-gathering'. There I sang along with them, and quietly observed them praying. I refused to drink the tiny cup of red-syrup and eat the bread crumbs though, when being offered.

Funerals, weddings, xmas musical specials I've been. I think I've been to more Christians funerals than the traditional Chinese ones. Just why am I just the way I am? It's not gonna be easy for me to try to live in this world of mine, with so many forces to pull me into a "believe-system" rather than a free-mind system.

They say that if you cant beat them, join them! But in my heart I really do not have that slightest affinity with JC or C-God, its probably even growing defensive! Which is not a good thing, I'm thinking, why cant I be like Thich Nhat Hanh then I would be more unaffected.

At the end of my ramblings, I just wonder if my ex-bestfriend's own dad will be feeling just like me, if he's such a staunch Mahayanese Buddhist, whom I kinda respect for his leadership in the Amitabha Budddhst society community. I know that, 2 people will be really at odds with each other, esp within the same family unit, if one has undying faith in the believe-system, and the other who will never believe!

Do you know what I'm going at?