I got nothing to say...

Or rather what COULD I say... i guess i am a confused being and a person who never speaks the real truth or rather never know how to say no, or never know "how not to want to help". Get that?! No.. i dun think you did.

Point is, I needed a point. I didn't get the point of me, busy with stuff that got entangled with my own hands, I wasn't really flattered at being "volunteered" by the camp publicity team to organise another movie gathering, just because they hear I did a good job before. Well the last movie outing did pull off because of great assistance from Fred who knew the tgv ppl and bought all the tickets for me. All I did was doing I'm usually good at - instant messaging. The fact that mass email is hardly an effective communication tool to 'hit on the right target' to archieve positive respond. I'd to spend one-on-one time with fellow messengers and gain their support and make them come!

This is also true with knocking on youths randomly to come join the camp (in my temple specifically). Its getting harder and harder each year asI grow further apart from the younger generation, and it becomes more challenging to keep up my enthusiasm to inspire the people to want to come join the camp! Sometimes, you just wonder why I have this great big apathetic attitude. If not for I-dont-care personality in me, I wouldn't had resisted it for so long. Hey, maybe it's a good point for me to practise to join sales.

So what was my point again?! Great.. i was thinking aloud my points while driving home today, after going through rounds of hooha with people in the committees while online in the office, doing tender stuff supposedly, and the usual round of messaging multiple people in distress!! (wah.. not so serious la...)

My point is... actually I got a few points, not sure which is which... I wanted to point out that I am a very busy girl. I am the head of the sunday school publication team and now I'm trying to pull through the 2nd issue of newsletter, with coloured front page, going in to the printing oven latest next week before the newsletter cake can be distributed BY 15th May, that's a week before Wesak. Need I fuss about the important language and grammar for every articles to be published?! I dare not imagine the proofreading process, where sis. Emily and Vineeta becomes all so meticulous.

And why out of a sudden, I'm involved with a Wesak day multimedia presentation?!!! And just because I do not know "how to say no"... they just assume that I could do, just because I did it before. :( Luckily sis. Vineeta finally got bro. Chye to do it, but she still yelled at me on the phone for 'leaving the temple so soon' without discussing with her before i 'escaped'. Well, I still had to live on with that, and agreed to get all the pictures she wanted to be put up in the multimedia show... and this is WHEN I realise, I dont have the pictures she wanted. What to do? Go snap the pictures again one Sunday or knock on other fellow photographer to source for the pictures. Sei mei...

Where do I get so much time to do so many things?! Camp programmes...needless to shout, yes its all in order, with 2 new very competent programmers, things are getting in control. But the camp is 1 month away, and that's when work starts to peak!!! Even Fred was worried that programmers might get burned out during the camp itself! Well, I surely dare not imagine that, as I get pretty cranky when exhausted - extremely cranky.

In the midst of hands and legs being tied up with so many 'things to do' - not that I get paid to do it - I have my own 100% job insecurity to vent about. It's 5 days before the end of contract - and I cant tell where I'll be. I guess not many people will encounter this same fate as me, to have to struggle with something 'beyond my control' - which freaks me out too much, so much so I'm probably immune to facing what's 'beyond my control'. No wonder the saying fits me - I DONT CARE!

Having said all that, I'm so thankful that all the speakers that we've invited could make it!! Now how many times can we get bro. Tan HS to be free. And this time Bro. Oh could make it!! It's just a blessing to know the wheelchair bound Bro. Oh would come all the way from Melaka, eventhough mobility is such a big obstacle to him, and YET he could COME!! Not to mention, we've got bhante Aggacitta, THE bhante Aggacitta, yes coming all the way from SBS in TAIPING!! Wooo hoooo!!! He is like the Ajahn Brahm of Malaysia!! haha :P and Sumi who?! well nevermind, according to some she's THAT famous in the international arena.

Sometimes, I guess when all things are in a mess, and when you're overwhelmed and stressed out... count your blessings! :) You wont believe how amazing life can actually be! This sentence, I wish I could really drill it into one of my uni mate, just because he's a spastic, but that doesn't mean he should view his life as "having nothing" and always feeling "lonely" :( How can I fend off a demotivating creature like him?! Call himself a God-honouring, peace-loving, pope-honouring Catholic, he cant even see why God gave him his previous gift of life! And there I have to go feed words of encouragement to him... did he did that on purpose? To steal my time to gain my sympathy?

Dont get me started with the girl who broke off with her bf, but secretly desiring to fight back and want back the liar, rekindling the sweet & loving memories. I dont have the the strenght to keep up with your seem never-ending coin tossing.

So there you have it - why I'm so reluctant to move my feet to get out of the house on a Sunday night - where what I needed most is rest. And the point where I dont know how to say no in the first place, to save myself out of burning out, yes you can teach me. But it'll take forever to learn. I just try to do what my own capacity could take it, but in the end if I lost the desire or the will to do it, I just drop it. It's not my intention to give ppl the hope & expectation that I'd live it up to you, but i'd take the blame of letting people down, yet with no regrets.