Sun sch trashing!!!?

Wow.. what a blazing hot day! Even right now at night, I feel like I'm insie a sauna.

Guess what, just checked mail and I thought I should blog the whole email written by a SunSch friend... ahem. IF ONLY all no SunSch ppl are reading this!! Imagine how hell will break lose if anyone where to really read my mind. Maybe its just for reading pleasure?? Or for my own archive sake. PLEASE IGNORE this after you've read. Do not spread.

Here goes..

~*~

Dear everyone,

How are you all, I think this is my first time greeting to everyone here!! Nothing much, just wanna share my feeling after being in Sunday Dhamma School for so long, I did see a lot of changes which given me Happiness and Sadness.

I joined Sunday school since I was 7 years old(1988), and until today I am 25 in 2006. I still can remember the joyfulness and happiness when I was here 18years back, I still prefer the last time when we are studying under a shed. May be I am a oldish people which cannot look forward to the future, may be I am not a good person to become a "New Era Buddhist", may be I am just too childish which I always remember the good old days, May be I am no longer BELONGS to Sunday School, I feel so hurt, I feel so helpless, I feel so LOST whenever I am in TEMPLE.

But all this doesn? mean that I am going to Change my religion, what I am going to express is my feeling towards this lovely temple which hiding a great opportunities to accommodate people to feel the dhamma, learn the dhamma and practice the Dhamma. What I learn during my young days was so pure, dhamma, 5 precept, moral, singing, puja and bodhi tree puja. What I am helping or contribute to temple is my ENERGY, my childhood and my Will to make everyone feel this temple is the greatest place that ever had.

But now I feel so lost, lost after I grow together with Sunday School, lost after I become TEACHER, lost after I HELPING too much, lost freedom, lost energy, lost interest and lost of confidence to the Sunday School. Still remember last time, I like to participate myself in hymn singing, story telling and chanting competition, it was so fun! By now the competition disappear and no longer in BISDS. Last time I like to join dancing group, because I have a group of friends which we share and care each other.

Now I feel so lonely, everyone have their own purpose when they coming to SS, but is it learning and practicing DHAMMA? Or learning Loving Kindness? I questioned myself, am I still walk together with Buddha?? Am I being guided properly???

May be when you read until here still don? know what I am talking about, it is ok, just because I am so LOST, don? know what to write and don? know how to say anymore. After joining staff become teacher, I see a lot of things, I see people work in SS because of work, people do their own way, people just thinking their way is correct, others just wrong. People can scold another people because a small mistake! People just justify a person whether he/she is good or bad! People can just ignore you without thinking back last time how the person helped you! People just deserted you because you no longer useful to the group! People just put their stress and unhappiness to you when seeing you so happy!

WHY all this happen?? Not everyone is equal?? How do we judge that a person virtue is higher or lower than you?? How can a SS teacher scolding each other in front of people?? WHY?? Where is our patient? Where is our forgiveness? Where is our initial feeling to the SS?? Is it being ignored or just buries deep in our heart?

Still remember last time being scolded by a teacher, the reason of being scolded is so irrelevant, but no one stand out and stop the scolding, being scolded in SS, not even my parents scolded me that way, saying that I am RUDE? DID I? After learning to SHARE and CARE for 18 years? Feel so helpless! Feel so disappointed!!! Is it my fault?? Did the person who scolded me think twice before scolding?? Shall we learn how to listen and how to forgive?? Or just blindly release the ANGER to some one which is still needs help or should I help the person who scolded me?

I didn? feel the BELONGINGS anymore after since ever, all my friends searching for another groups to join, leaving this SUPERB big family, leaving this SS which had been taught them for quite some time, leaving this harmony yet troublesome home! That is why I disappeared for more than half year, that? why I am so afraid to come back, that? why I feel so helpless whenever I am in SS.

Last time I always introduce to friends how nice is SS, now NO more, me myself not even trust myself can learn anything anymore from here, how do I encourage others to do so? Recently, I lost a paper which required me to type it out, when I asked nicely and apologies, the feedback is SUPERBLY hurt, and I feel my heart break again after so long, after I just recovered from the past, and my heart is crying non-stop till now. Where is the forgiveness?? Where is the understanding of impermanent and patient??

I feel so bad, should I help anymore? Should I direct my attention to smaller temple, I feel there is warmer, at least we SHARE and we CARE.

Nothing more to write?夸ust feel so tired?圩eel so helpless?宇he heart is broken, nothing will cure, and nothing can join it back.

Hope everyone is fine? Hoping everyone is still practicing loving kindness; feel everyone is still happy.

~*~