Why have I not shot (verbally) anybody in real life literally? I think the only other time when I told off this girl to shut up (of nonstop whining abt her exam result sitting inside my car, when my score is even lower than her and I didnt say a word), thought I felt slightly good about it at that time, but then feel abit weird after that knowing I shot somebody. When I shoot... I mean, oh boy you seriously do not want me to shoot.
When I resort to shoot (when I couldn't take it anymore), the effect is always devastating, which means human-to-human relationship will strain. Because as I've reached my threshold level, there is no eating back the words that I say, and I usually (definitely) mean what I say. When I say 'shut up' to you with my uncool look, you'll know I'll never talk to you again, unless you talked first.
In my office now, I now understand what's it like working with stupid people, and I now learnt it the hard way, that I cannot tolerate working with people who is killing me inside. Stupidity kills me.
Another problem with me, is I cannot take it when other people view me as stupid, since you're part of them, since majority of people here are incompetent. Its very easy for most people out there to pre-judge you before they even associate with you. Very often in uni, I'm thought to be Christian just because I spoke english. I rolled my eye up till you cant see my eye-ball, and I still cant believe people can judge me like that.
Just because I admire people working in big co or having great jobs, doesn't mean I'll get mad if I know you've got that top-notch high flying job. It's sick. Doesn't mean I work in dysfunctional team, I am dysfunctional myself!
So instead of crapping about my problems, what's the solution? For me to stand up and say f*** off at these innocently incomptent people -- might as well tender my resignation. For me to teach my teamlead about management / taichi kungfu, who's already getting tormented by all the bosses bullying her... I dont know how, I dont want to be lord jesus christ dying for other ppl's sin.
Another stupid fact is, every change in 'comment' have to be 'approved' by the big chilipadi boss. So there's a different case that I found, and the fault is at the client, but we're not allowed to create our own new comment. See... even explaining this make it sound so stupid -- pick up the phone to call the bigboss and get approval -- case close. HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?! The poor girl who dare not speak to the bigboss for 'fear' of getting being shot at rather waste her energy and my energy to think of what comment to put, that wont require the poor girl escalating to the bigboss.
I cannot stand the fact that people are 'afraid' people. Give me the big boss, what can she do man, eat me up yes, but I'm too fat for her to swallow down her throat. Another manager warned me that I'm too 'naive' to say the wrong things and 'try to be hero'. There's so much f*** up politics, to know what to say, not to say the wrong things, to the wrong people. What kind of stupid company is this?!
My own teamlead is always reminding me of 'what to say' and 'what not to say'. Even asking the wrong questions can backfire. So WHAT?! Kill me if you want, I dont care.
Back to my point -- which ties back to my dad's attitude -- why are you afraid to tell off your boss if you really cannot take it? I cant, I just cant shoot back at people verbally like that. My dad can... he's a government servant & always will be, the most experienced in his field.
I have loans/bills to pay, travel plans to make. I cant, just cant blow up and shoot!
The last I blew up, I lost my bestfriend. In my career, if I blow up, I'll lose my job. What now? Simple... get on with life. It's all a cycle / circle. I forsee I'll forever be trying to force down my energy of not to shoot people, if only I could learn... patience?!
Ohmygod... teach me patience man...
No comments:
Post a Comment