Why do I have 'no heart'?

Putting a blog title like that is not fun. I've been wondering about myself this morning, about why do I not act more 'giving' and naturally put a few dollar notes (no matter how small the amount) into the donation box in temples? Say my bf, he's not richer than me and doesn't have much $ but whenever we go to temple (chinese or taoist or buddhist) shrines, after paying homage, it just come automatically for him to grab his wallet & dig out small notes & insert it into the donation box.

Just yesterday, my indon colleague have passed me alot of cash he's collected (from his savings) to be donated to a temple building fund, and made sure that I got his parents name correct so that his parents name can appear in the temple building. I have never ever had this thought, to donate money to a temple and put my parents name on it. He hoped that I can be part of his act of"planting seeds on good soil".

I ask myself - why am I so not generous? I think maybe its a habit, if I start to do it, then gradually it becomes easy... Then I come to think of my monthly income expenditure allocation, how many % should go to charity / temples? I felt I must be one self-centred person for all the money I earn, either I spend it or invest it or save up for near future use.

Maybe I give in other form like 'service', like volunteering for sunday school, helping out to organise Buddhist youth activities, or even buying gifts for my cousins... I buy! When there's a Mattel warehouse sale, I bought huge barbiedoll sets for my little cousin sis, they've never got that before from their folks. When my bf go buy dried meat from his friend shop (wing heong), I ask around my friends see who wanna tumpang to buy, so that my friends could get discount and don't need to travel afar to buy it.

I probably do give but very rarely in dollar notes, which I feel very 'attached' to. I count money, I keep money in my bank account, and ultimately I spend money. Its like my personal belonging, that I don't simply give it away just like that...

So anyway, the part about me feeing 'heartless' is when I saw a distressed man bleeding from his head and a poor woman, both on the motorbike, who came near us (my teamlead, my blur cllg & me) asking for money to send the injured man to the nearby clinic. The man was robbed and knocked down and bleeding away, the woman not injured and riding the bike with helmet looking sorrowful explaining their ordeal to us...

The thing is, although I was shocked to see the man sobbing and bleeding away, I SUSPECTED them to be cheaters! I had no qualms about my suspicion. I stood there listening to how the conversation went, I didn't utter a word to 'test' them or offer any concern. My 2 female cllg immediately took out their wallet, the blur girl knew she only had a RM50 note and she took it out so quickly and said "I don't have small change, this is all I have..." Then my teamlead took out RM30 and then... somehow (in my mind I thought the RM30 goes back to blur girl so that the one piece of RM50 could be given to them) they gave all RM80 to them.

I just stood there. I didn't chip in. Still having a very doh face.

At one point, I think the woman said they'd return the money to us, just give her our phone number. Hmmm... that's not begging alright... she'll return the money later. But the blur girl would have to sacrify her phone number to the stranger. They ask for a pen, and I took out my pen and paper... instead of blur girl writing her mobile number on it, guts feeling told me to stop her... and we took down the woman's number instead. *like as if we're going to call her back for the rm80*

The 2 of my cllg really felt so worried for them... even after they left, my teamlead was holding her head trying to understand what happened to that man bleeding and broke his thumb...

You know WHAT? He actually "showed" his 'broken' thumb which was weird looking, all I thought was "are you sure that's really broken, where's the cut?" My 2 cllg went 'yerrrrr....'

Gossshhh... I am sooo "no-heart". All that my mind could think off was trying to outwit them and so much questions popped in my head, I don't wish to speak to my cllg about it. I am cynical!

I don't trust anyone. I was once told off by a good friend that I should learn to trust people. Even leadership camp / workshop taught me about "trust" but just like parting with my money... it doesn't come easily. It just doesn't appear in what is me!

IF the man was seriously injured, he should straight go to the clinic to get his wound stitched and it wont cost much, probably not even RM50... helllo?! I fell off a moving motorbike before and got wound at my leg and bleeding too... ok so maybe I went to "pusat kesihatan" in uni where its foc. STILL?! How expensive would a private clinic charge you for cleaning up your wound and give a few stitches?! Any doctor would help you for free if they know you've lost your wallet and got injured from a robbery! Tell me WHAT STUPID LOGIC IS THIS?! That the bleeding man could be crying with such sorrow like he'd lost his family at a tragic accident - HELLLO??! I didn't CRY when I injured myself? My grandma didn't cry when she was robbed in daylight...

WHAT STUPID CON MAN IS THIS! IF he's in such PAIN why WASTE TIME trying to get money from innocent ladies in the middle of the quiet street.. and NOT to the clinic FIRST?!

I had so many questions... I wanted to hold his hand and twist it and see what reaction he has. I wanted to know where was the exact spot of robbery. Why is your motorbike unscratched? Why was the woman not injured? What kinda man get rob instead of the woman? Gosssh......

And my 2 cllg just naturally gave money away like that?!?? And the blur girl had ONLY the last piece of note in her wallet?! I wanted to ask my cllg - why? How come it didn't occur to you that they're conmen? Well... later my teamlead did ask herself alot of why... which she couldn't answer and she said nevermind if they're actually not for real...

Why am I so not instintively helpful with digging out my wallet from my handbag?!

*partly I know there's alot of big notes I had inside, remember indon cllg donation*

So anyway, if you're a good analyzer... maybe you can comment and tell me what would you be thinking and doing at the same time, when you encounter such weird situation like what I've seen today.

2nd post for the new year

Seems like my post is once or twice a month! That don't mean there were no thoughts in my head to write... many a times, I thought of something to blog about... then few days later, I totally forgot what I'd wanted to blog about!

I was telling myself, if my brain was a CPU ::
-my local harddisc is 40GB with about 5% available disc space left.
-my RAM would be 1GB for running so many thoughts and multitasking.
-my processor speed could be Pentium 1.5Ghz.

Blah... meaning after I waking up from my sleep, I forget what the brain was processing about... hence I must remember to WRITE down... must write it down.

For this new year, I went for my first interview 'of the sort' for transfer from one account to another, because the other account is failing in the "process" part of deployment and they need someone with operational experience. My teamlead recommended me because I'm more 'operation' where as T is more 'technical'. I'm not sure if I should be happy or not because the new account is currently in the infant stage of all these outsourcing processes... and I feel like it sounds like my new jd would be more consulting based than mundane operation / incident remediation.

After having attended the ITIL training, I learnt to see the bigger picture of ALL the IT services management processes. And in my potential new role, I only need to document the end-to-end process for ONE of the process -- release & deployment process.

The challenge is really not the job, I've been thrown into the deep sea by my former company's stupidest jerk boss to develope ALL the process from start to end, that probably covers all 20 processes by ITIL v3 standard. Blahh... so anyway, my teamlead concern is actually whether or not I would like to work with the leads in the new acc, who is known to be.. cocky.

Ah yes... its been a long time since I've last spoken super fast full english at work. Ok I can't speak super fast (due to my short tongue) but I am so used to rojak mix my chinese & english. The 2 guys who interviewed me, one indian who'll be my lead and one chinese bloke my age who's the manager... were trying to out-speedtalk each other the whole time. I wonder is it because they can speak very well in English that's how they got to climb up so fast. My current 30+ lady teamlead (who speak terrible english) actually hint-hint to me, that the new lead hasn't been very productive.

You know I don't like to generalize... but I tend to see the trend that the nonenglish-ed people tend to be very hardworking and quiet and productive at work, whereas english-ed people who can articulate and communicate very well tend to climb up the ladder faster although not having to produce as much hardwork.

I can be both if I want to. I can put in the effort to attend public speaking course, to learn to speak assertively with the big bosses to create more opportunity for myself... or I can also just be my phlegmatic self and not open my mouth.

So the end point is, I will challenge myself, to take on the new 'process' role, working with 2 cocky dudes, and try my best to deliver what they've failed in AND rest assured learn to get credit for that. I see it as a win-win-win situation. I will have something new & valuable to write for my resume, my own company will have the processes in placed for customer, the customer will ultimate gain from value-added IT services (translated to be cost-saving strategy). Remember :: in crisis lies opportunity!

Current teamlead stressed again that its entirely my choice, if I really want, if I really can get along with the arrogance.... I said, if I really cannot tahan after that THEN change job la! Doh...

This short episode have finally made me to update my resume! *phew* it was last updated in 2006... The prophecy wants me to update my resume and to move on from my current boring operational job!

*yawn* what a boring post... love life is good, family is great, friends are fine, health is usual, incovar is moving, apa nak blog lagi?! Aaahh... belum try meditation retreat lagi....

So what 2008?

You know why I don't wanna talk about 2008? Besides having plans for many activities... on a personal level, I think I'm not ready to be 29! Because I still feel like I'm 27, sometimes when people do ask what's my age, spontaneously I'd be thinking I'm 27... but then I'll use maths to count, wait in 2007, my age would be 28! Oh gosh.... *in denial*

So don't even talk about 2008, mathematically I'll be 29 but I'm still 27. I hope I can always be 27. But I'll surely look forward to 30! Upstairs being say I'll be successful at 30 (buaahahahaha)... but even if I'm not predicted to be succesfully, I know I will be looking forward to age 30 more than being 29. Cos 29 is just the number before 30! Like I can officially say I'm 'old' when I'm 30, hence not do so much stuff and get away with it... wakakakakaz..

When I turn 30, I'll then have reason to be more concern of my health that I never care about because I'm supposed to be still young. You know like even bother to self-examine for lump in breast or do what check for what level...

When I turn 30, I'll know that I'm not young anymore, hence in my career I'll be pushing myself harder or be more proactive at work & not be so lackadaisical in updating my resume. Due to the age pressure, will want to challenge myself to be somewhere...

When I turn 30, I'll then start to wonder if I'll ever get married?

When I turn 30, I'll probably have a place of my own...

So... back to two-nine... what's there being 29? I won't get a new boyfriend at 29. I don't even know if I'll change job at 29. I've heard they say girls don't get married at 29. The world economy doesn't look so good in Q1 2008, the only 'certainty' in 2008 is the 'uncertainty' of the market. I dread to see if the funds I chose underperform and I'm answerable to my clients. They say the property bubble might burst, but then I don't even know if I should share buy property with my boyfriend? Should I join the Effective Speaking Course? Will I ever be going to Tibet? Will there be an election and can opposition win more parliamentary seats for the people's sake?

Anyway, I guess 2008 is just an extension or carry forward from 2007. Just keep snowballing the initiatives and efforts put in during 2007. If all the plans for 2008 can be pulled off successful, then 2008 will eventually end with a bang! And I'll be anticipating for the 080808 opening of the Beijing Olympics.

My hope for 2008.... that my spirit for INCOVAR and 9bugz can be sustained if not lifted to higher level... that I will meet with more wise people to mentor / guide me... that we can all successfully achieve what we've set out to acheive.... that I can continue to inspire or help people... that I'll be wiser... that the coming general election is fairer...

A toast to a wonderful 2007 that's been!

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about measure the year 2007 - measure in love?

X'mas in Spore, oral surgery, Happy New Year!

When pictures paint a thousand words, I don't have to write so much. The past week has been really eventful, from missing out on the 15NOW concert just to show face at a big coconutsteamboat family reunion, to taking the bus alone from Pudu at midnight and getting down at Skudai 3am in the morning, to celebrating x'mas with sayang's family in Spore in the most Christmassy way.

X'mas eve, I used imeem to play Christmas jingles through out the night from the brother's desktop. The lights were dimmed, turkey & ham were served in most generous portion, champagne were served before and after dinner! I said, "didn't we forget to say grace?" Then everyone looked at each other... "Amituofo!"

I enjoy the company and the warm cosy feel more than the food because it was very meaty! Maybe it was the very hearty western meal for lunch, treated by myee's friend in Spore. They brought us to Miss Clarity Cafe that even have their own website! If there's one cafe here so colourful and 'girlie' I'd definitely bring my 15-year-old and 12-year-old cousin sisters! It seems every Western joint we went, there'd be Chocolaty dessert! In one short trip, I didn't have to pay for any meal at all... and get to eat what I like to eat!

What I'm most thankful for is the opportunity to visit the Nalanda Trial exhibition in the Asian Civilization Museum for free! And there was a special Buddhist guided tour by this gentleman who spoke with so 'englishy' accent but good in Chinese as well! Usually museum visit is boring to me... but this is so different! Maybe of my interest in learning Buddhist history and culture... at the room where I first saw the Buddha's relic... it just dawned on me, that's BUDDHA's RELIC?? THE BUDDHA??! (ok at this point, I thought it was the first time I saw the Buddha's relic) You know the 'rapture' feeling? Tears just trickle down... *what?! you're crying?! in public?! no no you gotta be kidding quick control!!*

I'm not sure how to explain this feeling, its like there's a strong energy or aura in the room. According to sayang, he said he could sense that there were many devas in the room! :P Anyway, moving on... we bought the souvenir book of this Nalanda Trail exhibition at $37++! Even the handbag bought at Robinson was much cheaper ler...

Alright so back to Malaysia... another xmas party with the starbugz gang on boxing day before I go on mc leave for my minor oral surgery. Gift exchange was so funny thanks to Sue's crazy idea -- you get to unwrap your gift infront of everyone and the next person gets to snatch your gift if he/she likes it! Errr... very confusing to explain to anyone. I feel sorry for snatching SF's mug... but hey it was aaron who snatched my nice porcelain tea set woh! Saved the best for last.. sayang got to unwrap the last gift (sort of least attractive present)... and aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh I want! :D Nvm surely he'll bring me along for it -- HarganDaz icecream voucher!

OK OK... now here's what I really wanna write about -- my wisdom tooth surgery. Everybody was telling me how painful it will be, and yes I've been for my first oral surgery at UPM and it was excruciatingly painful! But, I dunno if its the dentist experience or my prayer before leaving the house... the surgery was pretty smooth, the only pain was the one second anaesthetic shot and that's it! Until now, I don't feel any pain! How could this be?! Then I remember Datuk telling this to Alex Tan "you don't feel pain because you got no anger!" LOL :D

How true is this statement? I hope some one else can verify for me, that its the dentist or is it the prayer?

Happy New Year 2008 to all my friends! If you believe, let's pray or make your personal aspiration for the new year, and if you ask & believe *like attracts like* -- it will happen.

Have a merry sinful xmas!

I had such a fantastic time in Singapore for the xmas holiday, I wish to quickly blog it down before I forget. Esp on the food that I get to eat every meal. Felt so 'sinful' to be able to have so much good food to eat and its all not even with my own money!

Anyway, I'll not take too much time today as it's the only day in the week that I'll be working. Thursday I'll go for my 2nd time in my life wisdom-tooth-surgery. So all the feasting will finally end tonight, with my last round of coconutsteamboat xmas dinner before I go on my numb-spell for the rest of year...

Well, watch out for my fotopages or even story that I'll post in incovar blog!

My eccentric brother (not again!)

A weird self boast read ~ I am one lucky girl

I think this post is gonna be about how I should be really thankful and why I feel so 幸富. I just thought about myself as a person who can understand things (easily) and I just know of a girl who really cannot understand & see things clearly.

There was a simple sms I received from my buddy sunday school friend who asked about traditional medicine for cancer in KL. It is for her mom who's got breast cancer. I just thought how lucky my parents are... and how fortunate I am that I don't have to worry about my parents health *touchwood*. My dad smoke so much and never exercise and his belly is like 9 months pregnant, but his worst pain is "leg pain" which he'll recover in few days.

I'm also thankful that both my parents are very kind and understanding people that I could be proud of. There's another buddy sunday school pal whose very disappointed and definitely not proud of her dad. I've never had that thought before to be not proud of our parent. I'm so lucky to born into such wonderful parents that I'll never feel sorry for parents. My friend's dad is such a loser even I wish I can try to help or change him, but according to my friend its impossible.

How karma really works? Of course I have many friends who are like me, who have wonderful parents, great social life and big positive attitude towards life! It's true when some people say I seems to have nothing to worry about, and I'm such a happy-go-lucky person.

I think maybe its a whole cycle of giving and receiving. For me to be receiving the merits and blessings of my peaceful happy family, I should in turn continue my own purpose of life. To live a purposeful life, and to help people.

From finding out for people what's the latest fund price of certain fund... to telling you what sort of insurance policy you should need (if you didn't already know)... to bringing my aunty to go shopping with her kids... to doing camp feedback forms (although I really don't have to!)... to buying tickets... to listening to a mentally handicapped girl rant... to arranging things... to covering other colleagues... to just being there to assure you life is good!

I'm short of words now. My mind went off abit thinking what if I could become a nun now (cos I was sitting in the same table with 2 nuns from FGS during the bmsm dinner & they're very humble, caring & nice). What if I could just really let go of things and join a 10-days no-joker mind-silencer retreat? Suddenly a thought came by -- am I afraid of letting go of all the goodness and nice things in my life?

What if I try to live a day without any purpose...

Don't cry for me, Malaysia!

I would have become a political activist, if all you need is alot of passion and belief of what you truly believe in, then I'd really become one. To become somebody to take on the fight, the fight for people to see for themselves what this country truly means to them. Why can't they see it? (at the back of my mind, I really pity all the rural voters in this country who's putting them all in the house)

What about my own big town PJ where city-folks are supposed to be more aware of what's happening. Why hasn't it changed? Suddenly I have a thought that miss Chew accident is also part of the prophecy! Now everybody pity her. Even I feel so sorry for her, she's still in the hospital in Kuantan (she's gonna get more sympathy vote than wisdom vote for DAP). But I never voted for her and I wish to tell everyone not to vote for her, not because she's not nice and kindhearted, but because she's not representing your VOICE! You are screaming and shouting and crying... but nobody is standing up for what you want to say.

The law is ammended just like that.

They send them to ISA just like that.

But maybe, it is only me who is screaming and getting angry inside. From the Buddhist perspective -- it is supposed to be me that made me angry. I still can't tell WHY am I angry, why do I feel like shooting people who are ignorant of the policies & never care to find out .......

IS that it? People generally do not want to find out what's there to fight for. People do not want to rock the boat to keep life just the way it is. People do not like to progress further to be like other developed countries. People like to complain but do not want to change things.

I guess I can sum up my frustration over 2 types of people:
i) the truly ignorant group who's lowly educated who's thankful & happy for having little money in their pocket.
ii) the highly educated people who could have just find out more about what's truly happening & make that change but didn't bother.

Still newbie at Mindfulness Awakening

What's the meaning of Awakening? What's being mindful all about? From emo-intelligent training, to the Global Conf on Buddhism themed on 'Transforming The Mind', then came THE CAMP on 'Simple Steps of Wisdom, Journey to Awakening' & just yesterday I attended a Dhamma talk by a living example of a man with mindfulness.

It is very useful reminder, time and time again, on the benefits of practising mindfulness or just be aware. I have not much comment about the camp (better to leave it to the participants or hardworking committees to share) as I was more of trying to 'see' things. Just learn from the speakers, watch the participants, being there when I'm needed and live each day by the moment!

I sort of got 'awakened' at some point during the camp when I was idling and just watching... actually there's nothing much for me to do! I'm already exco and then chairperson... what more is there to do? With that thought, I realised my Dhamma knowledge is limited. That sometimes (or most of the time), I cannot speak like a Dhamma speaker on sharing all the concept, ideas and knowledge on Buddhism to the beginners. One participant was really confused about stuff and I couldn't really give a satisfactory answer. Why don't I resolve to just improve on my Dhamma knowledge and have more ready answers at the tip of my fingers?!!! That way I'll be really useful in helping people to clear doubts on Buddhism and what not. I'm contemplating.. hey Dhamma speakers course!!! *hahaha*

Meanwhile, on having to be reminded to be mindful, yes it's not easy. I've learnt the most powerful phrased during the camp, coined by Dr. Chan Kah Yein "don't think too much! 85% of your thinking is useless!"

Yesterday nite talk by Bhante Kovida, he said something about the state of awakening is when all the thinking STOP. There will be no "listener" and "sound" but just -- listening. There will be no "see-er" and "sight" but just -- seeing.

Fuiyo. Kaulat... for the Canadian monk who was brilliant as a child, who did well in science and maths, who chose the path to become a monk, to satisfy his search for the 'silent mind'. All his life when he was growing up, he said he "think too much" which doesn't give him happiness and peace. To really feel happy, peaceful, have loving-kindness and compassion, one's mind must be mindful and silent.

For the less than 5 minutes of 'trying' to be 'silent' at the start of his talk, I know my mind is too 'full of activity'. My eyes could not close for just 5 minutes! For that mere 5 minutes, I observed that my heartbeat was fast and breathing was very uneasy. Maybe it was right after dinner, the food is trying to settle in. Not a good idea to 'meditate' on a full stomach!

Maybe grasping for breath is due to my lack of exercise and using too energy in the mind.

Sayang also advised me to just 'be quiet' sometimes. At first I thought it's a sign of he's getting annoyed with me talking too much & being too noisy for him. But he said it is for my own good. I'm slowly grasping it... and sinking in with this important aspect of Buddhism -- mental cultivation -- to purify the mind.

It is already very easy for me to "do good & avoid evil" why not take the next step now, step up to the challenge and go on try it... practise and learn right mindfulness.

I once cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet

Before I take the time to blog about the 'yeo-ah-yeo wonderful camp', I wish pen this down to remind myself, that each time when faced with adversity esp in my worklife -- be humble. I had this opportunity to meet up with a brave young girl suffering from celebral palsy, a USM graduate and a finalist for a reality-tv show on tv9 for disabled people in the country. She's currently teaching computer-skills to children at the Penang Spastic Centre.

I felt so overwhelmed when she told me that she was from the Science stream in her STPM. Something which I didnt do. I'll never know how difficult STPM science stream is like, for I was so 'lucky' to get into a degree course thru a 1-year diploma (way too inferior for STPM standard).

She graduated with a degree in social science, and she can speak fluent English very slowly. She takes her time to walk and write. Mentally she's just like any other young lady who have goals in life and have wishes waiting to be realised.

When I first met her at the hotel room where she was staying (Sunday night), she was alone. As she opened the door and tried to step back she almost lost her balance. It was the first time I saw her and I felt a lil silly myself for not understanding a disabled person better.

When I arrived at the lobby, I called her to come down to go for a drink but she talked me into coming up to the room first. Only after meeting her for the first time did I realise how foolish I was: for her to walk all the way from her room to the lift, and press the button by herself, and coming out from the lift slowly and walking all the way through the lobby hall.... its gonna be very challenging for her. Anyway, I didn't ask further about going out for a drink, just being there in the hotel room and getting to know her better... has impacted my attitude towards life (for the time being.. until I lose my memory of this rare moment).

I've always being a spoilt only daughter, I yell at my dad and argue with mom at home. I conveniently get other people to do things for me even for the simplest thing like getting a ribena to drink. I'm not disable and I do not have a speech problem but I took things for granted. I complain that I have 'siu-yan' at work and I never send any love towards my colleagues.

I must be humble. If I were to speak like a God-believer I'd say that God created a few special people on this earth to touch our heart and to teach us to be grateful, caring and happy.