barely breathing

Heading off to Penang afternoon by bus from Pudu, just 2 lrt stop away from my office. Very sleepy every night. No time to blog crap.

Wishing for a day of rest... say a day with nothing to do.

I overheard a conversation "time passes really fast..."

"yeah esp this year!"

It's going to be November and I haven't get my new house key.

I think better go sleep now... just finish the sunday school appreciate nite menu card thingy. Newsletter will be fresh from the oven by this Saturday for distribution at the dinner. Will be rushing back from Penang to vihara.

Why am I always barely breathing...

To do list piling up...

Finally got the CS3 to work, the trick was to copy the entire dvd content into c: drive... like DOH! Wasting time. Well, don't ask me how I get so cranky lately.

I've so much stuff to clear from my to-do list, I wish I have more time. But given if I have more time, I wish I have more hands. There's lotsa articles coming in this time of the year.. and the funniest piece I read so far from a 12 year old, on How can Buddhism help me?

"Buddhism can help us when we are dead, because it help us determine whether we will go to hell or heaven, reborn as animal, ghost or Arahant etc. Buddhism can prevent me from breaking precepts. Buddhism can also lead us to end samsara so that we don't need to suffer anymore. I hope that through this story I wrote could advise people to learn more about Buddhism."

I guess for now, after 'san' everything to sayang already, no more energy left to blog about it. One of the strain came from problem girl from school, who suddenly called my house phone to talk the same rubbish, and it was so difficult for me to try to end the car. I was not in the mood to 'help' her that evening having a loaded head. Such a pity I do not have the medicine or a cure to her sickness, feeling quite helpless listening to her ramble on and on about her obsession about a man who had made her life miserable. I don't know this person. She explained to me who he is and expect me to 'know' and she needed affirmation, that what she say is true.

...anyway, may she be well and happpy. I honestly have no ability to help her. I don't think by 'lending my ears' is of any use.

While crapping about so many things to do... I'm secretly wishing that I have a pda phone now, to help to remember things. To synch all my calendar.

From puja mtg.. i had to dos...
From bisds mtg... also got to dos...
From ladakh trip... coming back also got to dos...
Friends wedding... also need to dos...

What a life!

Y08Q4 Update

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, with all my past (good) karma *hopefully my past been good* that the pathetic economy won't hit me directly. On the second day of work, there was this email notifying about freezing headcount. At first I felt so lucky and thankful that I already got in *phew, then only they start to freeze headcount. Later when I tell dad about it, again he scared me: "huh, later they counted the heads got extra, they cut you because you joined last..." *choi! choi! touch wood! where got ppl curse me like that wan... *

Then it dawned on me, that I'm still under probation, I'm confirmed YET! *shit!

So now I will try my best to be very useful, and add value to the team. Since without msn & personal email access, I have no choice but to just do office work. I was thinking to upgrade my mobile phone to which has wifi connection, so atleast can msn from the mobile device! Maybe have to consider subscribe to maxis broadband service too... (if stay new house takda internet mati aku)

Actually very hard to slack at work, my teamlead sits directly behind me, she can talk to me directly without raising her voice. The partition for each cubicles lower than that in excompany... every monitor screen I can see is displaying either coding or intranet. Funny facebook is not blocked! Hmm... maybe the chinese dudes manning the web-filter don't play facebook :P doh!

~*~

There's alot of friends wedding coming up... infact somebody in sunsch was teasing me that each time there's an important event organised by the school, it somehow co-incide with my friend's wedding. Which is no lie...

14sep - student trip to FRIM / Melaka friend wedding
1nov - appreciate nite for the school / coursemate wedding in Penang
14dec - staff fellowship trip to jeram besu / highschool friend wedding where I'm photographer

Anyway, I'm glad that I don't have to burn my kuching flight ticket to attend coursemate Magdalene's wedding on 11nov... which clashed with new induction programme. I managed to get HR to switch me for dec, I thought headcount freeze means no more induction programme manatau still got another one in dec! :D *yay

~*~

United!

Will make a quick entry about my new job...

bad :
- no personal email access from office (yahoo mail & gmail is blocked)
- no msn
- no laptop to bring home to abuse
- not as near as excompany
- not in PJ (where I can get mom to pick me up anytime, say go to Uptown...)

....but notice all that kinda superficial level right.

good :
- teamlead is soooo nice & humble! (well maybe its just the first day)
- teamlead has so many soft toys on her desk, its so easy to sweet talk her
- teamlead and teammates actually go to lunch TOGETHER and me & the other new girl are most welcome to join them!
- reminds me of my UPM days where everybody converse in Mandarin... topic of interest 'baby milk' and 'where to find cheapest food' and 'where is my hometown'... so typical! (not forgetting everyone is ever ready with an umbrella)
- they don't talk about work / people during lunch!
- most of them can laugh or know how to laugh!
- nobody gives me the creeps, like saying 'oh you must watch out for so-&-so....'
- infact the manager / ladyboss (ya my karma with female bosses!!) has no issue with time, I can come and go anytime I want, not following the official time, as long as I finish my work!
- nice to know that its OK to leave at 5.45pm sharp ;)
- company have better purchasing power to use more tools / systems for IT work.
- so I get to learn & use the latest version of the Unicenter product (excompany will not wanna upgrade)
- there is no SLA to meet! *wakakakakkakakaa!!!!* (now here's a lubang for me to suggest to them on best practices in IT services... but really its bringing pain to myself, having all the miserable SLA target to meet monthly... its good for the company no doubt... do I wanna put the good of the company before me?)

...well isn't it good enough?

Infact I think the lrt rides, having to switch train & walk abit is good exercise! Or actually, I treat it as opportunity for me to reflect with my time alone, just me and my breathing. Its not easy for me to find this 'time' with just me and my mind, where I have to learn to tame the mind. *wish the air ventilation inside the train was much better, so I don't have to feel no air when trying to breath deeply inside the crowded train*

Let's enjoy and live by the moment. This I've taken home with me from my Ladakh trip, from ven sanghasena.... to live in the present. Worry not of the future, just do your best / stay focus in every present moment.

Ladakh - the land of the extremes!

There's alot of words to describe this magnificent awesome place call Ladakh! But nothing beats showing you pictures, of why I like this place... well there's reasons to make yo wanna think twice about coming back here again.... but one of the few things that I deeply treasure about this trip:-

1. Opportunity to meet Ven Sanghasena & the chance to listen to the very sincere, full of wisdom & compassion, frank but funny Dhamma sharing.

2. The exceptionally warm welcome & hospitality shown by the children! Honestly, on the first day of my arrival at Mahabodhi, listening to the voice of the children singing welcome-song in their own style, and bowing to you, and offering you lovely flowers as you walk pass all the children lining up to greet you endlessly... believe me, my heart sank.

The beauty of Mahabodhi, lies not just on the picture perfect snow-capped moutain view surrounding you... but on the warm smiles of the children, esp the very cute little ones... you just don't know where they get the Metta look from! Maybe they all inherit from their most respected venerable Sanghasena. I have utmost respect for this Theravada-trained monk, who encourage non-sectarian approach, who encourage the order of nuns just as much as for monks, who place education as primary agenda to curb poverty in poor Ladakh for the people.

It's amazing to find out how a visionery monk can truly inspire me. For the whole week when we're in Ladakh, we were being constantantly reminded to 'live here and now'. It was quite easy, to just breath in / out, and not let the mind wander off. I was just being there. I also realised something about 'change' / 'growth' ... and I managed to survive without digital communication for nearly a week! It is indeed possible! When there is no signal.. no sms service... no internet... and the mind is living by the present moment.... I do not have to be slave to my handphone and the computer! The only thing I've not yet learnt to letgo is my digital camera.

I took about 2000 pictures... I had to delete some earlier photos to fit it a few Delhi pictures on my last day in India.

Some of the difficulties that I have to endure at Ladakh:

1. The very cold temperature in the early morning / at night.... so much so I hardly bath. Freezing weather!

2. The mountain view is incredible no doubt, but the bumpy winding journey up the mountain makes me very dizzy, worst when I tried play with my camera while on the move.

3. The milk is really not for me. Though they always humbly serve us milk tea and most flask contain milk instead of hot water. I could not take the smell of their milk! Infact, on the first day in Ladakh, I vomitted. I don't know why I vomitted except that I know I'm embarrassed that I couldn't enjoy their food.

This trip also made me feel so thankful for Malaysian food! Now I love thosai / roticanai with dal & milo drink & nasi-lemak with aromatic sambal even more!

....ven. Sanghasena, you inspire!

1 wedding & 2 funerals

I wanted to share about my interesting experience over the weekend. I try very much not to tell people that we attended a wake before and after a wedding in Melaka. Cos people may 'pantang'... but I guess being Buddhist, there's nothing to 'pantang' about.

The morning religious wedding ceremony was quite symbolic, with puja + chanting + hymn singing & blessing by a monk. Only a little weird cos everyone else had to stand up through out the whole ceremony including the monk except the bride & groom... Doh! So being restless, I'll walk around trying to take pictures lah... was trying out the new 50mm lense which is a problem if I try to compete with other fellow photographers all blocking my view while shooting for an 'event'. Maybe it's really meant for object/model shooting purpose only.

After the religious & tea ceremony, there's a long afternoon break to spend time before going for the wedding dinner. So me, myee & sisV tag along to ddvw's dad wake, which is actually not far away. Coincidently rev. Mahinda coming at 2pm for blessing... which turn out to be a blessing + meditation + short Dhamma talk... fuiyo that's very meaningful for a Buddhist wake / funeral. No chang chang noise, no crying, no sadness... just smiles and reflections. Rev Mahinda shared about his experience teaching Dhamma to his mother and how his mom practised the Dhamma, how she overcome the pain while suffering from cancer before her passing. Also talked about sharing of merits.

I came dressed in a dress white+black in colour, so it was fancy enough for a wedding event, also sombre enough for the wake. Bf dressed in blue+brown, while sisV attire was blue+white... so we were like ever ready to attend both wedding & funeral!

At night the wedding dinner was most fun! It was sort of a peranakan wedding, a peranakan wedding must have music/band and joget! That's what I heard from MODians... and wow it is true. It didn't take long before I was also part of the syiok-sendiri people tapping their shoes happily at the parquet dance platform... at some point, I was 'dancing' with NW's 2yo kid... yeah the boy can be really cute when you forget that he's naughty. He kept coming back to pull me out from my chair to go the dance floor! It's like he's done it before in his past life... I didn't dress in the nyonya kebaya unlike many of the locals there. Found out that the nyonya kebaya blouse is EXPENSIVE!

Many people danced along at the wedding dinner, to golden oldies played with e-keyboard that you'll never hear it at a trendy KL/PJ hotel wedding dinner. The fun part is how the very young and the very old all came together to dance naturally! Only the not-so-young-but-not-so-old people watching ;)

I felt like I'm attending a 'Malaysian' wedding dinner of the Tunku Abdul Rahman era. They say baba-nyonya people is actually a minority group in Melaka, they're neither chinese nor malay.... maybe they're just Malaysian!

So what happen to the 2nd funeral? Well that's the boy who stayed along the same street as me.. whose funeral is also Sunday. By the time I reach home from Melaka, it was almost 11am... and Myee made the turn from the main road to my house, which incidently head-on with the hearse. That's my last chance to send metta to the deceased... his family members were lining up ready to 'send' him off.

My eyes instantly went wet.

As I reached home, I came to know that he was only diagnosed with leukaemia a month ago. He had a girlfriend of 2 years. His medical bills surged to 100k.

My interesting weekend taught me a great learning experience and there's alot of Dhamma in it. I was happy and contended. I hope I can maintain this simple blissful state of mind through out my journey of life, but impermanence is the truth of life.

*can you imagine that at my funeral, all my incovar friends will be standing around singing cheerfully 'Truth of Life' with hands movements & actions... and all my relatives / other friends will look at you one kind - you siow ah?*

What will be will be...

There is always good side, bad side. The ups and the down. After spending time with sayang for my fancy bday dinner, I return home to see a neighbour house nearby with tents setup & coffin in the middle, with a picture of young fella wearing the graduation gown in the middle.

Hmm... couldn't be the same boy whom used to sit the same bus with me to school?

Buzz my other primary school mate living on the same street, yeah she's already at the wake service, it was her ex-primary school classmate. I don't know the boy well, but my mom know his mom, and we're the same age. Mom likes to 'tell story' about other ppl's children.

He died of leukaemia.

Should I hop over to pay my last respect? Should I wait for my mom to come home to go together? Now that mom is back, mom ask me "what should I say to the mother when I go see her? When I know the mother will be so sad her son died?"

No words could come out.... *tears rolling down my cheek*

Just continue be thankful that I'm alive still today, on my birthday.

Couldn't resist?

Couldn't resist not writing a word on about my bday? Well actually its just the start of the day call eighteen-september. I share the same bday with szehuey.

I just had a family bday dinner with my parents & myee's parents... together same table! No of course its not 'table talk' whatever you call it. My bday is always a reminder to me to be and feel extremely thankful for my family, my karma, my blessings. I wish I can share it with other less lucky people, but I don't know how to take some of my blessings away for others to have it.

I'm so lucky, I have 2 families to celebrate bday for me... even at age, the last year being 'twenty-something'. My grandma also came for the dinner & also gave me angpow *paiseh*... think the custom now is bday eve with family, bday with sayang.

Lucky not going to meet my ahyee-s this weekend, or else sure they'll wat me for makan lagi.

If I could have one wish for my birthday, and if birthday wishes do come true... I really wish that my country is going to remain peaceful whilst surviving good positive change. There will not be anymore ISA scare. May all the leaders of today have more wisdom and compassion.

May people with good intentions & wisdom overcome people with illwill.

~ For hatred is not overcome by hatred, hatred is overcome by love. ~ Dhammapada

Very sleepy still...

It's Monday 15/9 about 10 days till my last day in my current company. I'm still excited that I'm finally going to have a "India" stamp on my passport this coming 27/9.

It's Monday morning, I don't have my mobile phone with me, think I left it inside sayang car. Don't care either cos my eyes still feel like sleeping.

It was a busy weekend starting off with yoga on Sat morning, till running off to K with the gals, then jam through jln kewajipan to PutraHeights to see coursemate's 2weeks-old baby, then getting home to change & adjourn to Vihara for Bodhi Puja bringing along 2 of my Buddhist Indon cllg... who were very excited over visiting my grandma after Puja.

Sat night with my Indon friends also very wuliow.... never thought I'd ever comment anything about them... but they're just "different" not in a good nor bad way. Just quite draining for me to keep up to their 'obidience' towards 'old people'. They insisted on buying mooncake for my grandma... on the way to Vihara, at Paramount, the only lantern shop I know, was selling mooncake -- there.

"Oh I don't know if these are good you know, you have to buy something good for your grandma!"

Fine so what is GOOD mooncake?

"I heard of Tai Thong?"

OK, what about this Overseas brand, also famous right... just like Tai Thong another restaurant chain.

"But I've not heard of Overseas before, don't know if it is good, it won't be good if you buy something not good for your grandma."

Practising my patience, we went to temple first... finish Puja... went back to PJ area... I thought about Giant supermarket... surely got a variety of mooncake to choose.

"Supermarket?! You know how low quality are the mooncakes in supermarket?"

Heelo?!?! This cannot that cannot... must purposely drive to TaiThong to get the mooncake for you meh... Giant is on the way to my grandma house mah... and somemore you don't know what brand of mooncake my grandma likes...

Anyway yadayada... we finally reached my grandma hse for super late dinner. I was so hungry. There both of them so obidiently chatting happily with my grandma in hokkien, their mother tongue.

They showed me good example of how we must respect old people and treat old people with utmost respect. Money cannot compare with 'grandma' (since I was telling them buying mooncakes is actually very expensive).

But they also made me pusing here pusing there... send them here send them there... kept justifying about the things to buy... for my grandma. Siggh... that's my grandma, who actually pampers her own grandchildren... if my grandma don't eat, the food goes to her grandchildren -- my cousins & me, anyway! (They just don't get it...)

Sunday, another crazy day :
- 7.30am woke up get ready to Vihara
- 8.30am get all the goodies from Vn hse to upload to bus
- 9.30am 7 busses departed to FRIM
- 10.30am start to hide all the 'treasure' for the kids to hunt later
- 11.00am the sun was shining sooooooooooooooooo brightly, it's very very hot for all of us to be running about at the open field. At one point, I was just repeatedly throwing-catching ball with one tiny boy who couldn't fit in with the taller boys in monkey-catch-ball game.
- 12.00pm everybody cannot tahan the heat, all went to miserable waterfall with very little water to play.

After lunch, treasure hunt, packing... all 7 buses went back to Vihara again... sayang was waiting for me already... to bring me to Melaka!

His friend's wedding... during the whole dinner, my eyes were so droopy, while enjoying a lil playing tricks with my dlsr, I was also feeling sooooooooo tired. The whole journey back to KL from melaka was asleep in the car.

Next weekend another crazy spree... with whole day wedding thingy at Melaka (again?!).

Sometimes you wonder if having many friends is such a good idea! *Doh*

Will righteousness prevail?

What is happening with the government? Do you all really believe that when you do good, you will get good return? A part of me feels that all the sandiwara happening now is very related to the DSAI & pakatan rakyat seriousness/possibility in accomplishing the take over... and there's soooo much for BN rich politicians to lose. I think now the situation is like a battle of btwn the virtuous vs the corrupt... who will win? Do you have faith in Malaysia overcoming righteousness?

(im not saying anwar is holy or nik aziz is pure or LKS is heavenly.... I just know that they're not very rich and they don't become politicians for you-know-what reason)

Why would a poor fella wanna risk everything to be in jail?

Why would another fella wanna go all out to put another poor fella in jail without trial?

Why would any (ethical) foreign investors wanna invest in Malaysia if they know Malaysia can put somebody in jail without trial?

Is it really so hard to turn from bad to good? What does it take to challenge / embrace real positive change?