You know something, even after knowing I gotta pay >rm1k to repair the engine that got burnt that caused my car breaking down yesterday, wasn't as sad as seeing Constantine being eliminated from the top 5 of the American Idol. Yes, admittedly, I cried seeing Paula's reaction. I buried my face on my cushion sofa, feeling more outraged than disappointed. I've hoped for Constantine the stylish rocker cum smooth jazz singer to outsing, outplay and outlast the rest of the contentants! Do you remember the time he rendered "My Funny Valentine" for the musical theme - 1st performer on stage, and it was an awe. My feet was just swept away with that performance. Then I remember the time he sang a contemporary song, made famous by a female singer, but he with a male voice, sang that soft smooth ballad so swell! I was awestrucked. I have always been. Although I remember been equally as stunned when I recall Anwar singing "What a Wonderful World"... those performances really moved me, alot.
So, please bear with me for my overcoming the lost of first Anwar, and now Constantine. I just dont know how to carry on watching the show knowing Scott is still up there. Realistically speaking, I think Anthony is most applicable to be next American Idol, yes.. of course of his looks, and also his young age, and his potential for cash-in or how Accenture say it "chargebility".
Oh well.. what about the story of my car... beats me. I take the blame of never checking the radiator, or the water thingy... as far as my argument goes, the temperature indicator is always in the middle of C and H... that mean it's not "hot"... yet.
On my way to UM to pick up LY for camp meeting, before reaching Federal, I was slowly flying at 80kmph then the sound of something got broken, like the silly old sewing machine that goes 'dedededededededededede' non-stop all the way. I felt like pulling my car over, but its a 3 lane highway, I just dont think it's safe to stop there, prior to nightfall.
I drove all the way until at the traffic light, when it turned red, and finally stepping on the break.... that's when the something-broke-sound started to 'slow down' like the car trying to stop - and it just stopped. Right infront of the traffic light. I turned on hazard lights, started calling.. who else but "dad"... and then my brother to rescue. Oh ya, actually after authorizing for my car to be pulled away, I took the LRT back!! Haha.. amazing how my car broke down few meters away from the LRT station.
Oh why I can laugh? Yeah... no good daughter of me, I'll never appreciate the value of 'maintaining' my car and to keep it fault free. Of course knowing I'll be slapped with MORE than a thousand bucks for the change of the engine - I just thank my blessings that I'm gonna get Bonus .. soon... hopefully.
Actually I wanted the bonus to buy myself an SLR!!! But now, it's fated that I need to repair for SLK with the bonus cash first! Well.. I still do hope to get the SLR!!!! Else how to survive without a good camera?!!
Aaaaaaaaaah... till next time... this blog is about the "best" being voted out :( I guess in opinion, the best doesn't always win! And even when talking about "the best" what is the best if its not what the majority thinks? Does majority vote means - the best will win?
...this is how u remind me... what I really am...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
I got nothing to say...
Or rather what COULD I say... i guess i am a confused being and a person who never speaks the real truth or rather never know how to say no, or never know "how not to want to help". Get that?! No.. i dun think you did.
Point is, I needed a point. I didn't get the point of me, busy with stuff that got entangled with my own hands, I wasn't really flattered at being "volunteered" by the camp publicity team to organise another movie gathering, just because they hear I did a good job before. Well the last movie outing did pull off because of great assistance from Fred who knew the tgv ppl and bought all the tickets for me. All I did was doing I'm usually good at - instant messaging. The fact that mass email is hardly an effective communication tool to 'hit on the right target' to archieve positive respond. I'd to spend one-on-one time with fellow messengers and gain their support and make them come!
This is also true with knocking on youths randomly to come join the camp (in my temple specifically). Its getting harder and harder each year asI grow further apart from the younger generation, and it becomes more challenging to keep up my enthusiasm to inspire the people to want to come join the camp! Sometimes, you just wonder why I have this great big apathetic attitude. If not for I-dont-care personality in me, I wouldn't had resisted it for so long. Hey, maybe it's a good point for me to practise to join sales.
So what was my point again?! Great.. i was thinking aloud my points while driving home today, after going through rounds of hooha with people in the committees while online in the office, doing tender stuff supposedly, and the usual round of messaging multiple people in distress!! (wah.. not so serious la...)
My point is... actually I got a few points, not sure which is which... I wanted to point out that I am a very busy girl. I am the head of the sunday school publication team and now I'm trying to pull through the 2nd issue of newsletter, with coloured front page, going in to the printing oven latest next week before the newsletter cake can be distributed BY 15th May, that's a week before Wesak. Need I fuss about the important language and grammar for every articles to be published?! I dare not imagine the proofreading process, where sis. Emily and Vineeta becomes all so meticulous.
And why out of a sudden, I'm involved with a Wesak day multimedia presentation?!!! And just because I do not know "how to say no"... they just assume that I could do, just because I did it before. :( Luckily sis. Vineeta finally got bro. Chye to do it, but she still yelled at me on the phone for 'leaving the temple so soon' without discussing with her before i 'escaped'. Well, I still had to live on with that, and agreed to get all the pictures she wanted to be put up in the multimedia show... and this is WHEN I realise, I dont have the pictures she wanted. What to do? Go snap the pictures again one Sunday or knock on other fellow photographer to source for the pictures. Sei mei...
Where do I get so much time to do so many things?! Camp programmes...needless to shout, yes its all in order, with 2 new very competent programmers, things are getting in control. But the camp is 1 month away, and that's when work starts to peak!!! Even Fred was worried that programmers might get burned out during the camp itself! Well, I surely dare not imagine that, as I get pretty cranky when exhausted - extremely cranky.
In the midst of hands and legs being tied up with so many 'things to do' - not that I get paid to do it - I have my own 100% job insecurity to vent about. It's 5 days before the end of contract - and I cant tell where I'll be. I guess not many people will encounter this same fate as me, to have to struggle with something 'beyond my control' - which freaks me out too much, so much so I'm probably immune to facing what's 'beyond my control'. No wonder the saying fits me - I DONT CARE!
Having said all that, I'm so thankful that all the speakers that we've invited could make it!! Now how many times can we get bro. Tan HS to be free. And this time Bro. Oh could make it!! It's just a blessing to know the wheelchair bound Bro. Oh would come all the way from Melaka, eventhough mobility is such a big obstacle to him, and YET he could COME!! Not to mention, we've got bhante Aggacitta, THE bhante Aggacitta, yes coming all the way from SBS in TAIPING!! Wooo hoooo!!! He is like the Ajahn Brahm of Malaysia!! haha :P and Sumi who?! well nevermind, according to some she's THAT famous in the international arena.
Sometimes, I guess when all things are in a mess, and when you're overwhelmed and stressed out... count your blessings! :) You wont believe how amazing life can actually be! This sentence, I wish I could really drill it into one of my uni mate, just because he's a spastic, but that doesn't mean he should view his life as "having nothing" and always feeling "lonely" :( How can I fend off a demotivating creature like him?! Call himself a God-honouring, peace-loving, pope-honouring Catholic, he cant even see why God gave him his previous gift of life! And there I have to go feed words of encouragement to him... did he did that on purpose? To steal my time to gain my sympathy?
Dont get me started with the girl who broke off with her bf, but secretly desiring to fight back and want back the liar, rekindling the sweet & loving memories. I dont have the the strenght to keep up with your seem never-ending coin tossing.
So there you have it - why I'm so reluctant to move my feet to get out of the house on a Sunday night - where what I needed most is rest. And the point where I dont know how to say no in the first place, to save myself out of burning out, yes you can teach me. But it'll take forever to learn. I just try to do what my own capacity could take it, but in the end if I lost the desire or the will to do it, I just drop it. It's not my intention to give ppl the hope & expectation that I'd live it up to you, but i'd take the blame of letting people down, yet with no regrets.
Point is, I needed a point. I didn't get the point of me, busy with stuff that got entangled with my own hands, I wasn't really flattered at being "volunteered" by the camp publicity team to organise another movie gathering, just because they hear I did a good job before. Well the last movie outing did pull off because of great assistance from Fred who knew the tgv ppl and bought all the tickets for me. All I did was doing I'm usually good at - instant messaging. The fact that mass email is hardly an effective communication tool to 'hit on the right target' to archieve positive respond. I'd to spend one-on-one time with fellow messengers and gain their support and make them come!
This is also true with knocking on youths randomly to come join the camp (in my temple specifically). Its getting harder and harder each year asI grow further apart from the younger generation, and it becomes more challenging to keep up my enthusiasm to inspire the people to want to come join the camp! Sometimes, you just wonder why I have this great big apathetic attitude. If not for I-dont-care personality in me, I wouldn't had resisted it for so long. Hey, maybe it's a good point for me to practise to join sales.
So what was my point again?! Great.. i was thinking aloud my points while driving home today, after going through rounds of hooha with people in the committees while online in the office, doing tender stuff supposedly, and the usual round of messaging multiple people in distress!! (wah.. not so serious la...)
My point is... actually I got a few points, not sure which is which... I wanted to point out that I am a very busy girl. I am the head of the sunday school publication team and now I'm trying to pull through the 2nd issue of newsletter, with coloured front page, going in to the printing oven latest next week before the newsletter cake can be distributed BY 15th May, that's a week before Wesak. Need I fuss about the important language and grammar for every articles to be published?! I dare not imagine the proofreading process, where sis. Emily and Vineeta becomes all so meticulous.
And why out of a sudden, I'm involved with a Wesak day multimedia presentation?!!! And just because I do not know "how to say no"... they just assume that I could do, just because I did it before. :( Luckily sis. Vineeta finally got bro. Chye to do it, but she still yelled at me on the phone for 'leaving the temple so soon' without discussing with her before i 'escaped'. Well, I still had to live on with that, and agreed to get all the pictures she wanted to be put up in the multimedia show... and this is WHEN I realise, I dont have the pictures she wanted. What to do? Go snap the pictures again one Sunday or knock on other fellow photographer to source for the pictures. Sei mei...
Where do I get so much time to do so many things?! Camp programmes...needless to shout, yes its all in order, with 2 new very competent programmers, things are getting in control. But the camp is 1 month away, and that's when work starts to peak!!! Even Fred was worried that programmers might get burned out during the camp itself! Well, I surely dare not imagine that, as I get pretty cranky when exhausted - extremely cranky.
In the midst of hands and legs being tied up with so many 'things to do' - not that I get paid to do it - I have my own 100% job insecurity to vent about. It's 5 days before the end of contract - and I cant tell where I'll be. I guess not many people will encounter this same fate as me, to have to struggle with something 'beyond my control' - which freaks me out too much, so much so I'm probably immune to facing what's 'beyond my control'. No wonder the saying fits me - I DONT CARE!
Having said all that, I'm so thankful that all the speakers that we've invited could make it!! Now how many times can we get bro. Tan HS to be free. And this time Bro. Oh could make it!! It's just a blessing to know the wheelchair bound Bro. Oh would come all the way from Melaka, eventhough mobility is such a big obstacle to him, and YET he could COME!! Not to mention, we've got bhante Aggacitta, THE bhante Aggacitta, yes coming all the way from SBS in TAIPING!! Wooo hoooo!!! He is like the Ajahn Brahm of Malaysia!! haha :P and Sumi who?! well nevermind, according to some she's THAT famous in the international arena.
Sometimes, I guess when all things are in a mess, and when you're overwhelmed and stressed out... count your blessings! :) You wont believe how amazing life can actually be! This sentence, I wish I could really drill it into one of my uni mate, just because he's a spastic, but that doesn't mean he should view his life as "having nothing" and always feeling "lonely" :( How can I fend off a demotivating creature like him?! Call himself a God-honouring, peace-loving, pope-honouring Catholic, he cant even see why God gave him his previous gift of life! And there I have to go feed words of encouragement to him... did he did that on purpose? To steal my time to gain my sympathy?
Dont get me started with the girl who broke off with her bf, but secretly desiring to fight back and want back the liar, rekindling the sweet & loving memories. I dont have the the strenght to keep up with your seem never-ending coin tossing.
So there you have it - why I'm so reluctant to move my feet to get out of the house on a Sunday night - where what I needed most is rest. And the point where I dont know how to say no in the first place, to save myself out of burning out, yes you can teach me. But it'll take forever to learn. I just try to do what my own capacity could take it, but in the end if I lost the desire or the will to do it, I just drop it. It's not my intention to give ppl the hope & expectation that I'd live it up to you, but i'd take the blame of letting people down, yet with no regrets.
Is the glass half full or half empty?
mpnck: If u r alone in a unknown planet.... Will u feel lonely and boring??
MJ : no
MJ : hopefully u can understand why i say no
mpnck: Why u give me that answer????
MJ : the answer is Yes or No... for me my answer is No
MJ : and of cos i got my reason for that - do u really wanna know?
mpnck: Ain't u a normal human
mpnck: ??
MJ : when i was a kid, i dream of becoming astronaut
MJ : i want to sit on rocket and fly to the outer space
mpnck: me too
MJ : and visit another planet, alien, star, galaxie..
MJ : so if u feel lonely and boring - HOW are u going to survive in the outer space?
mpnck: But u hav not think wat happren next
MJ : when i mean fly away to the galaxie - i mean to fly to see far is the universe, and what is infinity - for me to do that - i cant return to earth. are u afraid of that?
MJ : pls answer me..
mpnck: wait
mpnck: I will answer u
MJ : ..when?
mpnck: I reading ur question now
mpnck: teach me how to spell the word..
mpnck: scenery
MJ : scenary
mpnck: not e mer
MJ : chinchai la
mpnck: ok
mpnck: so
mpnck: die mean dead already
MJ : yes
MJ : are u afraid to die?
mpnck: Hey joon... that is non-sense
MJ : why is that non-sense?
mpnck: die mean u whole body unfunctionliao
mpnck: then how do u enjoy the galaxie
MJ : there are many things that i want to enjoy, but i cant do it all so is that "non-sense"?
MJ : is it non-sense to be practical? and happy?
MJ : and contented?
mpnck: OK
mpnck: let say u will survive in other planet
mpnck: So u wont feel lonely or boring??
mpnck: If u have a love one
MJ : hmm...
MJ : do they have internet access the other planet?
MJ : do they have water?
MJ : do they have animals?
mpnck: will u leave she or he??
MJ : have u seen the movie "castaway"
MJ : uncle - my most love person in this world are my parents
MJ : even if i found a boy to love, NO BOY will EVER take the place of MY PARENTS
mpnck: I know
MJ : so u're asking the wrong person
mpnck: hey
MJ : hey wat..
mpnck: Dun compare it wif the movie
MJ : the point is im not u - u will never understand me - i can live without anyone and still not be lonely - but u cannot understand why
mpnck: just wif ur imaginary
MJ : do u know i can spend my whole day writing with a pen and a book?
mpnck: I want to know why
MJ : becos im a happy girl!
MJ : becos we can create happiness, we can invent friends, we can invent games..
mpnck: some more
mpnck: ?
MJ : u need to find ur own reason
MJ : why shud u be lonely
MJ : or why shud u NOT be lonely
MJ : i have my reason
MJ : and my reasons are not YOUR reason
MJ : u just have to accept ur own reason
mpnck: of cos
mpnck: So guide me
mpnck: How can i enjoy my lonely
mpnck: I dun think u hav experience lonely life
MJ : becos u stop urself from enjoying ur life
MJ : i tell u
MJ : im close with my family
MJ : my parents are my friends
mpnck: I mean... when u have nothing at all
MJ : i talk to my dad EVERYDAY non stop
MJ : from the minute i step into the house i talk to my dad until i sleep
MJ : u have
MJ : u just dun want to appreciate it
MJ : i dun have a boyfriend - how come i never want to have a boyfriend?
mpnck: Excuse me
MJ : do u like pets?
MJ : many ppl have pets to keep them from lonely
MJ : like a dog
MJ : wud u like to buy a dog?
MJ : very cute
mpnck: I know
MJ : have u ever tot of getting a pet?
MJ : no?
mpnck: tell me sincerely
mpnck: not now
mpnck: Actually I like animals
mpnck: even Tiger or lion
mpnck: I also like
mpnck: If u give me a baby tiger
mpnck: I will grow it up
mpnck: BUt not now
MJ : tell u wat sincerely?
mpnck: tell me sincerely
mpnck: Hav u experience the moment that u have nothing at all
mpnck: ??
MJ : i cant remember that moment...
MJ : im born a lucky girl..
MJ : i have everything i wanted from the day i was born
MJ : im the 1st child for my parents
MJ : im the 1st grandchild for BOTH side of my grandparents
MJ : i want education - i get, i want handphone - i get, i want computer - i get, i want to go europe - i get.
MJ : i want to go concert - i get.
MJ : i want a car - i also get.
MJ : im soooooooooooooooooooooooo thankful for my life now
MJ : nothing more i want
mpnck: mei joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon
mpnck: answer me
mpnck: Dunno u understand my question or not
mpnck: ain't u??
MJ : i understand but do youuuuuuu understtttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my answer?
mpnck: yes... but i want a direct answer from you
mpnck: yes or no
MJ : i feel that im talking to a very low intelligent guy, after what he's read in my blog, after what he knows about me.
MJ : no i never felt a moment that I have NOTHING!!!
MJ : everytime i have something
mpnck: Ok thanks
MJ : hope that u can think like me!
MJ : do u know how fortunate I am?
mpnck: How
MJ : many people tell me that...
mpnck: u tell me how
MJ : doh..
mpnck: Whatever u want u will get one
MJ : how many ppl got a car in their 3rd year?
mpnck: I nothing
MJ : u got education
MJ : u got phD
mpnck: I cant afford
MJ : u got a handphone
mpnck: it
MJ : u got a bicycle
MJ : u get bangkok
MJ : u got 2 parents
MJ : u got so many brothers
mpnck: My future life still a question now
MJ : u got a home
mpnck: so wat for
MJ : why u not happy that u're alive now?
MJ : would you rather be dead or alive now that u think u got nothing?
mpnck: All these are not my dream
MJ : shud u just die, becos u are not living in your dream?
mpnck: wat to do
MJ : i feel like killing u
MJ : becos u deserve to die
MJ : God gave u such a precious life, u say u have nothing
MJ : it is implying that u dont deserve God's love for u to be born into this miracle planet
MJ : to experience life, and to achieve ur dream life
mpnck: now u answer my miserably
MJ : yeah.. i have the answer to everything
MJ : do u agree with my answer?
mpnck: ok lar
MJ : its NOT OK...
MJ : when i want to kill u
MJ : how can u justify God's love for u to give u ur previous life?!
mpnck: yes..
MJ : how can u pay him back by "thinking u are not living ur dream life" and complaining that "u got nothing"?
MJ : u're a shame
mpnck: u hav give the good answer
MJ : even im not a catholic I also know how to answer on behalf of God la..
MJ : its just ur own eyes
mpnck: i really want to cry now
MJ : how u see things different
MJ : ask u - there is a glass, the water pour half way
MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: I always think how the ppl judge on me
MJ : ASNWERMEEEEE
MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: Mei joon this is not ur question
mpnck: I need ur own intelligent question
mpnck: rather than copy from other
mpnck: sorry
MJ : but u cant even answer a very low intelligent / simple / other ppl's question
MJ : can u?
MJ : u dun have to judge me - im not giving myself up for u to judge me
mpnck: i dunwan this question
mpnck: u know why I always judge ppl
mpnck: bcos all ppl judge me 1st
mpnck: All that i know are from I have experience and learn from ppl
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: dunno
mpnck: bcos this is a iq quenstion
mpnck: rather than EQ question
MJ : no
MJ : u're judging the god damn stupid question
MJ : why cant u give the question a break!
MJ : the question is too simple to be categorized as EQ or IQ or CQ
MJ : what u just have to do is BE YOURSELF aND aNSWER THE *^$&&#^%#& QUESTION!
mpnck: by logic both answer are correct
MJ : WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?!
mpnck: both also correct
mpnck: so how
MJ : before i take out the knife
MJ : and cut across ur neck..
MJ : im forcing u now
MJ : u give me AN ANSWER
mpnck: i dunno la
mpnck: both also correct la
mpnck: ain't it
MJ : it's not a math / logic question - it is a stupid question and a stupid answer is needed, just say half full or half empty!
mpnck: can be half full and also be half empty
MJ : in ALL your life time... what is the probability of u saying its' half full?
MJ : and what are the chances of u saying half empty?
mpnck: i really dunno
MJ : I give u last chance before i go home
mpnck: cant imagine
mpnck: I give the answer tomolo
mpnck: can ah??
MJ : give me a break
mpnck: I give u the answer tomolo
MJ : and tomorrow is not a good day for me to chat wtih u
mpnck: sorry
mpnck: then the next day
mpnck: ok??
MJ : anytime.
MJ : no
MJ : hopefully u can understand why i say no
mpnck: Why u give me that answer????
MJ : the answer is Yes or No... for me my answer is No
MJ : and of cos i got my reason for that - do u really wanna know?
mpnck: Ain't u a normal human
mpnck: ??
MJ : when i was a kid, i dream of becoming astronaut
MJ : i want to sit on rocket and fly to the outer space
mpnck: me too
MJ : and visit another planet, alien, star, galaxie..
MJ : so if u feel lonely and boring - HOW are u going to survive in the outer space?
mpnck: But u hav not think wat happren next
MJ : when i mean fly away to the galaxie - i mean to fly to see far is the universe, and what is infinity - for me to do that - i cant return to earth. are u afraid of that?
MJ : pls answer me..
mpnck: wait
mpnck: I will answer u
MJ : ..when?
mpnck: I reading ur question now
mpnck: teach me how to spell the word..
mpnck: scenery
MJ : scenary
mpnck: not e mer
MJ : chinchai la
mpnck: ok
mpnck: so
mpnck: die mean dead already
MJ : yes
MJ : are u afraid to die?
mpnck: Hey joon... that is non-sense
MJ : why is that non-sense?
mpnck: die mean u whole body unfunctionliao
mpnck: then how do u enjoy the galaxie
MJ : there are many things that i want to enjoy, but i cant do it all so is that "non-sense"?
MJ : is it non-sense to be practical? and happy?
MJ : and contented?
mpnck: OK
mpnck: let say u will survive in other planet
mpnck: So u wont feel lonely or boring??
mpnck: If u have a love one
MJ : hmm...
MJ : do they have internet access the other planet?
MJ : do they have water?
MJ : do they have animals?
mpnck: will u leave she or he??
MJ : have u seen the movie "castaway"
MJ : uncle - my most love person in this world are my parents
MJ : even if i found a boy to love, NO BOY will EVER take the place of MY PARENTS
mpnck: I know
MJ : so u're asking the wrong person
mpnck: hey
MJ : hey wat..
mpnck: Dun compare it wif the movie
MJ : the point is im not u - u will never understand me - i can live without anyone and still not be lonely - but u cannot understand why
mpnck: just wif ur imaginary
MJ : do u know i can spend my whole day writing with a pen and a book?
mpnck: I want to know why
MJ : becos im a happy girl!
MJ : becos we can create happiness, we can invent friends, we can invent games..
mpnck: some more
mpnck: ?
MJ : u need to find ur own reason
MJ : why shud u be lonely
MJ : or why shud u NOT be lonely
MJ : i have my reason
MJ : and my reasons are not YOUR reason
MJ : u just have to accept ur own reason
mpnck: of cos
mpnck: So guide me
mpnck: How can i enjoy my lonely
mpnck: I dun think u hav experience lonely life
MJ : becos u stop urself from enjoying ur life
MJ : i tell u
MJ : im close with my family
MJ : my parents are my friends
mpnck: I mean... when u have nothing at all
MJ : i talk to my dad EVERYDAY non stop
MJ : from the minute i step into the house i talk to my dad until i sleep
MJ : u have
MJ : u just dun want to appreciate it
MJ : i dun have a boyfriend - how come i never want to have a boyfriend?
mpnck: Excuse me
MJ : do u like pets?
MJ : many ppl have pets to keep them from lonely
MJ : like a dog
MJ : wud u like to buy a dog?
MJ : very cute
mpnck: I know
MJ : have u ever tot of getting a pet?
MJ : no?
mpnck: tell me sincerely
mpnck: not now
mpnck: Actually I like animals
mpnck: even Tiger or lion
mpnck: I also like
mpnck: If u give me a baby tiger
mpnck: I will grow it up
mpnck: BUt not now
MJ : tell u wat sincerely?
mpnck: tell me sincerely
mpnck: Hav u experience the moment that u have nothing at all
mpnck: ??
MJ : i cant remember that moment...
MJ : im born a lucky girl..
MJ : i have everything i wanted from the day i was born
MJ : im the 1st child for my parents
MJ : im the 1st grandchild for BOTH side of my grandparents
MJ : i want education - i get, i want handphone - i get, i want computer - i get, i want to go europe - i get.
MJ : i want to go concert - i get.
MJ : i want a car - i also get.
MJ : im soooooooooooooooooooooooo thankful for my life now
MJ : nothing more i want
mpnck: mei joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon
mpnck: answer me
mpnck: Dunno u understand my question or not
mpnck: ain't u??
MJ : i understand but do youuuuuuu understtttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my answer?
mpnck: yes... but i want a direct answer from you
mpnck: yes or no
MJ : i feel that im talking to a very low intelligent guy, after what he's read in my blog, after what he knows about me.
MJ : no i never felt a moment that I have NOTHING!!!
MJ : everytime i have something
mpnck: Ok thanks
MJ : hope that u can think like me!
MJ : do u know how fortunate I am?
mpnck: How
MJ : many people tell me that...
mpnck: u tell me how
MJ : doh..
mpnck: Whatever u want u will get one
MJ : how many ppl got a car in their 3rd year?
mpnck: I nothing
MJ : u got education
MJ : u got phD
mpnck: I cant afford
MJ : u got a handphone
mpnck: it
MJ : u got a bicycle
MJ : u get bangkok
MJ : u got 2 parents
MJ : u got so many brothers
mpnck: My future life still a question now
MJ : u got a home
mpnck: so wat for
MJ : why u not happy that u're alive now?
MJ : would you rather be dead or alive now that u think u got nothing?
mpnck: All these are not my dream
MJ : shud u just die, becos u are not living in your dream?
mpnck: wat to do
MJ : i feel like killing u
MJ : becos u deserve to die
MJ : God gave u such a precious life, u say u have nothing
MJ : it is implying that u dont deserve God's love for u to be born into this miracle planet
MJ : to experience life, and to achieve ur dream life
mpnck: now u answer my miserably
MJ : yeah.. i have the answer to everything
MJ : do u agree with my answer?
mpnck: ok lar
MJ : its NOT OK...
MJ : when i want to kill u
MJ : how can u justify God's love for u to give u ur previous life?!
mpnck: yes..
MJ : how can u pay him back by "thinking u are not living ur dream life" and complaining that "u got nothing"?
MJ : u're a shame
mpnck: u hav give the good answer
MJ : even im not a catholic I also know how to answer on behalf of God la..
MJ : its just ur own eyes
mpnck: i really want to cry now
MJ : how u see things different
MJ : ask u - there is a glass, the water pour half way
MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: I always think how the ppl judge on me
MJ : ASNWERMEEEEE
MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: Mei joon this is not ur question
mpnck: I need ur own intelligent question
mpnck: rather than copy from other
mpnck: sorry
MJ : but u cant even answer a very low intelligent / simple / other ppl's question
MJ : can u?
MJ : u dun have to judge me - im not giving myself up for u to judge me
mpnck: i dunwan this question
mpnck: u know why I always judge ppl
mpnck: bcos all ppl judge me 1st
mpnck: All that i know are from I have experience and learn from ppl
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
MJ : MJ : MJ : is the cup "half full" or "half empty"?
mpnck: dunno
mpnck: bcos this is a iq quenstion
mpnck: rather than EQ question
MJ : no
MJ : u're judging the god damn stupid question
MJ : why cant u give the question a break!
MJ : the question is too simple to be categorized as EQ or IQ or CQ
MJ : what u just have to do is BE YOURSELF aND aNSWER THE *^$&&#^%#& QUESTION!
mpnck: by logic both answer are correct
MJ : WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?!
mpnck: both also correct
mpnck: so how
MJ : before i take out the knife
MJ : and cut across ur neck..
MJ : im forcing u now
MJ : u give me AN ANSWER
mpnck: i dunno la
mpnck: both also correct la
mpnck: ain't it
MJ : it's not a math / logic question - it is a stupid question and a stupid answer is needed, just say half full or half empty!
mpnck: can be half full and also be half empty
MJ : in ALL your life time... what is the probability of u saying its' half full?
MJ : and what are the chances of u saying half empty?
mpnck: i really dunno
MJ : I give u last chance before i go home
mpnck: cant imagine
mpnck: I give the answer tomolo
mpnck: can ah??
MJ : give me a break
mpnck: I give u the answer tomolo
MJ : and tomorrow is not a good day for me to chat wtih u
mpnck: sorry
mpnck: then the next day
mpnck: ok??
MJ : anytime.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
How do you solve a problem like...lawcheeping
He lost his father to freak road accident when he was just six years old. His father was knocked down by a motorcyclist while taking a stroll with his wife (my aunty) by the road side. Since then, my cousin being the youngest in his family, grew up without a father figure. His widowed mother is only a small town lady who earns a humble living but with courage and determination, she single-handedly brought up her two young boys.
My mom is particularly close to her 2nd sister who's alone in Taiping, having to take care not only my two cousins, but also her aged parents-in-law. The difficult part for my aunt is not the 'burden' that she has to carry with, but her mentally ill brother-in-law and her senile mother-in-law, all living in the same house. So she's not exactly alone, but all her close siblings and even her own parents have all moved to the city permanently. We only meet about once a year during CNY.
Anyway, this story is about my cousin, the younger of the two sons. Actually both of my them have been living with my family since they started college in KL, few years ago. My mom has warmly accepted them as part of our family. The elder one is more discipined and smart, same age as my brother. The younger one is like a complete opposite, I think 5 or 6 years my junior, I lost touch with time.
During my brother's diploma studies, I still had the heart give tuition to him, as my brother was also relatively weak academically. But for Chee Ping, everybody knows he's "not as smart" as his elder brother, but who would have thought he's even worst than my brother! The point is, he may not be that weak, but he doesn't show any positive attitude for self improvement nor just to work a little harder to pass his exams.
My brother atleast were so much more fortunate to have me and my parents to guide him all along. We know all of his 'heng dai' friends who hang out at the mamak stall together until wee hours in the morning. His friends know me too. So my brother is doing pretty alright now, after his diploma he's been happily working and travelling up and down, also engross with his Amway business.
Now my cousin Cheeping. He is having his final exam this week but he's still asleep while I'm typing this in the hot afternoon. He went out for mamak at 12 midnight and only got home like 5am?!! How dare he waste his precious time away, doing dunno what with his friends that we've not met before, when his exam is tomorrow?! I really dunno how to make him wake up and just study.
There is no way a college student should live a life like him. He sleeps more than he stays awake, does he have health problem? What kind of health problem is "sleep too much"? On the weekends, while my entire family is awake, my cousin would still be sleeping right up till 1-2 pm. Then he'd doze off again at 4-5pm...
It's his final semester now, but he's failed so many paper in his previous semesters, that he has to resit a few more papers the following term, thus extending his course of study. The point is not that he's not smart enough, but he's just not putting the effort to work harder for his own sake! His mother had almost given up hope and thought he should just drop out of college, but me and my mom persisted that he should by hook or by crook complete the course of what he's started with. Giving up on a potentially hopeless child is not doing any mercy to him.
He couldn't talk properly, not that he's unable to, but we couldn't reach out to him and communicate casually. Maybe because he speaks broken english and he feels inferior to open his mouth?! What I usually hear from his is "arhh... arhh... arhh..... arhhh..." :{
What is there that I could do to help him? If I ask drag him to join those English-speaking Dharma camp, it would freak him out, or maybe not. Point is he doesn't like and doesn't want to join 'boring' camps! How much more patience should we give him, if he's not going to improve himself.
On my part, I felt compelled to reach out to him. I see him day in, day out, sometimes he's not back for the night staying at his friend's place without even bringing his toiletries. There were occasions where he didn't even inform us he wont be back. Should I be tracking him down on his handphone? He's already in his late teens if not turning 20, shouldn't he be given the freedom to live the way he chooses to?
Potentially he'll be a social outcast in this society we live in. My mother and my humble aunt wouldn't raise a voice at him, my father only sneer at him behind his back due to his attitude problem and I've gradually lost my motivation to want to help him. His own brother doesn't even communicate much with him, I guess brother-brother relationship is different as compared to brother-sisterhood. My mother wouldn't 'scold' him as her own child because she's a temporary guardian to him.
I dont know how to wake him up, how to guide him to be a better boy, and eventually grow up to be better man. I'm only his cousin sister, who happens to be the 'tai kar che' and caretaker of the household. *phew... I guess I'll just let him be, hopefully he'll just stay clean. We're not pushing him further.
My mom is particularly close to her 2nd sister who's alone in Taiping, having to take care not only my two cousins, but also her aged parents-in-law. The difficult part for my aunt is not the 'burden' that she has to carry with, but her mentally ill brother-in-law and her senile mother-in-law, all living in the same house. So she's not exactly alone, but all her close siblings and even her own parents have all moved to the city permanently. We only meet about once a year during CNY.
Anyway, this story is about my cousin, the younger of the two sons. Actually both of my them have been living with my family since they started college in KL, few years ago. My mom has warmly accepted them as part of our family. The elder one is more discipined and smart, same age as my brother. The younger one is like a complete opposite, I think 5 or 6 years my junior, I lost touch with time.
During my brother's diploma studies, I still had the heart give tuition to him, as my brother was also relatively weak academically. But for Chee Ping, everybody knows he's "not as smart" as his elder brother, but who would have thought he's even worst than my brother! The point is, he may not be that weak, but he doesn't show any positive attitude for self improvement nor just to work a little harder to pass his exams.
My brother atleast were so much more fortunate to have me and my parents to guide him all along. We know all of his 'heng dai' friends who hang out at the mamak stall together until wee hours in the morning. His friends know me too. So my brother is doing pretty alright now, after his diploma he's been happily working and travelling up and down, also engross with his Amway business.
Now my cousin Cheeping. He is having his final exam this week but he's still asleep while I'm typing this in the hot afternoon. He went out for mamak at 12 midnight and only got home like 5am?!! How dare he waste his precious time away, doing dunno what with his friends that we've not met before, when his exam is tomorrow?! I really dunno how to make him wake up and just study.
There is no way a college student should live a life like him. He sleeps more than he stays awake, does he have health problem? What kind of health problem is "sleep too much"? On the weekends, while my entire family is awake, my cousin would still be sleeping right up till 1-2 pm. Then he'd doze off again at 4-5pm...
It's his final semester now, but he's failed so many paper in his previous semesters, that he has to resit a few more papers the following term, thus extending his course of study. The point is not that he's not smart enough, but he's just not putting the effort to work harder for his own sake! His mother had almost given up hope and thought he should just drop out of college, but me and my mom persisted that he should by hook or by crook complete the course of what he's started with. Giving up on a potentially hopeless child is not doing any mercy to him.
He couldn't talk properly, not that he's unable to, but we couldn't reach out to him and communicate casually. Maybe because he speaks broken english and he feels inferior to open his mouth?! What I usually hear from his is "arhh... arhh... arhh..... arhhh..." :{
What is there that I could do to help him? If I ask drag him to join those English-speaking Dharma camp, it would freak him out, or maybe not. Point is he doesn't like and doesn't want to join 'boring' camps! How much more patience should we give him, if he's not going to improve himself.
On my part, I felt compelled to reach out to him. I see him day in, day out, sometimes he's not back for the night staying at his friend's place without even bringing his toiletries. There were occasions where he didn't even inform us he wont be back. Should I be tracking him down on his handphone? He's already in his late teens if not turning 20, shouldn't he be given the freedom to live the way he chooses to?
Potentially he'll be a social outcast in this society we live in. My mother and my humble aunt wouldn't raise a voice at him, my father only sneer at him behind his back due to his attitude problem and I've gradually lost my motivation to want to help him. His own brother doesn't even communicate much with him, I guess brother-brother relationship is different as compared to brother-sisterhood. My mother wouldn't 'scold' him as her own child because she's a temporary guardian to him.
I dont know how to wake him up, how to guide him to be a better boy, and eventually grow up to be better man. I'm only his cousin sister, who happens to be the 'tai kar che' and caretaker of the household. *phew... I guess I'll just let him be, hopefully he'll just stay clean. We're not pushing him further.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
I neeeeeeeddddd you toniiiiggggghhhhttttt!!!!
eeeeeeeeeeeeewwww... that is the song i sing whenever I do my business, if its a long sturdy business :P hahaha...
this is gross but who says I'm not. every morning in the office, between 9am - 10am. I'll visit the loo :)
if u have no idea whats the tune of that song - well u're not a BSB fan. My funny coursemate knew that - cos we're the whackiest girls in class :P haha..
why am i not doing my office work now?!! Hmm... good question... let me go ask her.
hmm... lazy?
this is gross but who says I'm not. every morning in the office, between 9am - 10am. I'll visit the loo :)
if u have no idea whats the tune of that song - well u're not a BSB fan. My funny coursemate knew that - cos we're the whackiest girls in class :P haha..
why am i not doing my office work now?!! Hmm... good question... let me go ask her.
hmm... lazy?
Sunday, April 17, 2005
To go or not to go?
It's the same question I ask again on a Sunday evening. It's just between me and myself, why do I have to be difficult with myself? I didn't have the motivation to get out of the house and drive 5 mins down the road to join all the junior youths for a self-discovery journey... hmm.. dun wanna comment so much on that. Just that when the desire / passion / enthusiasm is not there, almost nothing could move me! Which makes me ponder on how unkind and uncompassionate I am. Well since it's easier to accept the real person that I am, than trying to defy the unwilling choleric mind.
Geez... but why is it so hard to say to make a choice? I guess I'll fall back to the advice of a friend, 'different people have different priorities' in life. True. I'm still the restless, tactless, careless person that I am, but bounded by so many 'stuff' to do in life. Imagine if I were to really list down my 'to do' list for myself and for the stuff I've committed to.
Anyway, life goes on. Just chill ok... the world still revolves around me... that's the beauty. :)
Geez... but why is it so hard to say to make a choice? I guess I'll fall back to the advice of a friend, 'different people have different priorities' in life. True. I'm still the restless, tactless, careless person that I am, but bounded by so many 'stuff' to do in life. Imagine if I were to really list down my 'to do' list for myself and for the stuff I've committed to.
Anyway, life goes on. Just chill ok... the world still revolves around me... that's the beauty. :)
Sunday, April 10, 2005
It's so hard to decide!!!
You wouldn't believe what was so hard for me to decide. "To go or not to go?" That is the question :P
Well, at this time of the night I dont really feel guilty now. If only I was typing this awhile ago when I was lying on the bed so comfortably with the fan blowing directly at me (in this extreme heat), I was really fickle about whether to wake up or not to wake up to go Rumah Hope for the Cybercare thingy, like a routine for every Sunday evening. It's been more than a month now that I've tried to fit in 2.5 hour of social work for my Sunday schedule.
But the point is, how could I ever come to make this very difficult decision?! Especially when you're 'sleeping' soooo intensely for this 'power nap' and you know it's about time that you should wake up - to go - or not?! I become undecisive when my 'laziness' plays trick on my optimistically-conceited mind. It's not like I'm "dead tired", but I really felt so indebted to give myself that few more precious moment of sleep. Just continue to be blindly asleep, with no handphone nearby, only the fan blowing, just like shutting off the brain.
When I finally woke up choking & sneezing to my mom's pungent prawn-sambal frying, I heard sounds of my grandma & aunties setting up the dinner table. Everybody was there. It's my mom's birthday eve today. And my dad went to 'tapau' lotsa sumptuous food from the restaurant to be served alongside mom's cooking & grandma's sour 'vege-leg' - wow - actually who in their right frame of mind would wanna miss this type of family dinner right in the comfort of your own home? Aunty also made 'cincao' with lotsa ice, as the weather was so hot today.
Mmm...mmm.... no regrets. I just missed the Rumah Hope session without even having the courtesy to inform Adrian about it.
Now thinking back, why was I so hard on myself for trying to make that very difficult decision - to go or not to go?! Is it always because I'm a Virgo (doh..) that's why I'd feel guilty if I didn't make an effort to do something.
I guess I did did something meaningful today. In fact a few things, from the moment I woke up at 6am for Cheng Meng, and just being there as the granddaughter for my grandparents, and the greatgranddaughter for my greatgrandparents. I also helped 'divert' the deadlock traffic at my grandparent's hill in Cheras - yes I was that 'kaypoh'. And instead of sitting inside the car not moving, I got down and hiked all the way up to find out what caused the traffic deadlock.
The afternoon, I drove all the way to LowYat for Sue's birthday-karaoke session. When it comes to singing - everybody loves singing. Then the happiest thing happened today - I got back my digital camera!!!!! :) Yooo hooooo!!! My Canon A70. Actually I asked them not to repair it since they'd charge me RM400, but when I tested my camera - it's working FINE! NORMAL!! No pinkish sky! Wow.. hopefully it still stays the same. But I know I have to give alot of care and not spoil it so easily.
Ahhh.... and knowing Manchester United lost by 2 goals... ahhhh bliss!
Hehehe... ok giggling to myself while typing a blog is gonna make me look crazy!
Well, at this time of the night I dont really feel guilty now. If only I was typing this awhile ago when I was lying on the bed so comfortably with the fan blowing directly at me (in this extreme heat), I was really fickle about whether to wake up or not to wake up to go Rumah Hope for the Cybercare thingy, like a routine for every Sunday evening. It's been more than a month now that I've tried to fit in 2.5 hour of social work for my Sunday schedule.
But the point is, how could I ever come to make this very difficult decision?! Especially when you're 'sleeping' soooo intensely for this 'power nap' and you know it's about time that you should wake up - to go - or not?! I become undecisive when my 'laziness' plays trick on my optimistically-conceited mind. It's not like I'm "dead tired", but I really felt so indebted to give myself that few more precious moment of sleep. Just continue to be blindly asleep, with no handphone nearby, only the fan blowing, just like shutting off the brain.
When I finally woke up choking & sneezing to my mom's pungent prawn-sambal frying, I heard sounds of my grandma & aunties setting up the dinner table. Everybody was there. It's my mom's birthday eve today. And my dad went to 'tapau' lotsa sumptuous food from the restaurant to be served alongside mom's cooking & grandma's sour 'vege-leg' - wow - actually who in their right frame of mind would wanna miss this type of family dinner right in the comfort of your own home? Aunty also made 'cincao' with lotsa ice, as the weather was so hot today.
Mmm...mmm.... no regrets. I just missed the Rumah Hope session without even having the courtesy to inform Adrian about it.
Now thinking back, why was I so hard on myself for trying to make that very difficult decision - to go or not to go?! Is it always because I'm a Virgo (doh..) that's why I'd feel guilty if I didn't make an effort to do something.
I guess I did did something meaningful today. In fact a few things, from the moment I woke up at 6am for Cheng Meng, and just being there as the granddaughter for my grandparents, and the greatgranddaughter for my greatgrandparents. I also helped 'divert' the deadlock traffic at my grandparent's hill in Cheras - yes I was that 'kaypoh'. And instead of sitting inside the car not moving, I got down and hiked all the way up to find out what caused the traffic deadlock.
The afternoon, I drove all the way to LowYat for Sue's birthday-karaoke session. When it comes to singing - everybody loves singing. Then the happiest thing happened today - I got back my digital camera!!!!! :) Yooo hooooo!!! My Canon A70. Actually I asked them not to repair it since they'd charge me RM400, but when I tested my camera - it's working FINE! NORMAL!! No pinkish sky! Wow.. hopefully it still stays the same. But I know I have to give alot of care and not spoil it so easily.
Ahhh.... and knowing Manchester United lost by 2 goals... ahhhh bliss!
Hehehe... ok giggling to myself while typing a blog is gonna make me look crazy!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I miss my medical appointment AGAIN!??!!
D***... well, luckily I didn't feel at all aggravated, unlike my usual reaction for some stupid mistake that I could have avoided. I already know I have to return for bloodtest and checkup in APRIL 2005, that was scheduled 6 months ago, during my previous checkup where by I missed the 'blood test' day and how thankful I didn't miss the 'meet the doctor' day!!! :P
THIS TIME - I looked back at my small yellow booklet, I saw "4/4/05" - shit that was Monday! So today I get to the hospital, luckily without needing to take a number (*phew, I dreaded that long wait at the reception) and went straight to get a blood test.
What I didn't realise "4/4/2005" was 'meed the doctor' day!!!!! &*$^&#@$%@$#^& uuuuuurrsssshhhh... I looked at the booklet again - 15/3/05 - THAT was take blood sample day!!! March?! How could this be?! I was having lotsa fun in March!
Dennnggg.... nevermind, I just observed myself and I was not fused! Well, of course I did let out a brief sigh. But that's it! I'm now back to the office! :) Eventhough the nurse who tried to reschedule me again said the waiting list now is 4 months long! Great, my April appointment now has been rescheduled to August 22nd.
Smile. Atleast I know that I could "call" the hospital to find out T4 & THT blood test result, to see if I'm actually a 'hyperthyroid strikes back' victim.
In the midst of driving along Putrajaya, another thought came to mind. But that's another story - will blog that in myCountry. :P
THIS TIME - I looked back at my small yellow booklet, I saw "4/4/05" - shit that was Monday! So today I get to the hospital, luckily without needing to take a number (*phew, I dreaded that long wait at the reception) and went straight to get a blood test.
What I didn't realise "4/4/2005" was 'meed the doctor' day!!!!! &*$^&#@$%@$#^& uuuuuurrsssshhhh... I looked at the booklet again - 15/3/05 - THAT was take blood sample day!!! March?! How could this be?! I was having lotsa fun in March!
Dennnggg.... nevermind, I just observed myself and I was not fused! Well, of course I did let out a brief sigh. But that's it! I'm now back to the office! :) Eventhough the nurse who tried to reschedule me again said the waiting list now is 4 months long! Great, my April appointment now has been rescheduled to August 22nd.
Smile. Atleast I know that I could "call" the hospital to find out T4 & THT blood test result, to see if I'm actually a 'hyperthyroid strikes back' victim.
In the midst of driving along Putrajaya, another thought came to mind. But that's another story - will blog that in myCountry. :P
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Its not easy
its just so hard. i try not to feel bad, infact there's no strong reason to. not even sure if its a bad feeling. i just feel overwhelmed. overwhelmed by life itself. the happenings, the surrounding, the people, the ideas, the stories that people tell, the expectation that I put to myself, my mom's sarcasm (now I seriously know where I inherited attitude problem) and I just saw Alex online, he greeted me on msn from Poland!
*sniff... it's not that. i forgot what I wanted to write about, but while I was driving home today, I thought of a friend who've just got a job right after her exams, a good job in fact. I know I'm more happy for her than not, but why couldn't I show that expression? Why do I feel like I have magnet inside my heart, a part of me is negative, but another big part of me wants to be as positive as I want to try to be. something that is pulling my mind and heart, like tearing it up apart.
am not sure if its visible from my face, as I know I couldn't really pretend to be what I'm not.
did u notice how hunchback I've become? really have no backbone. why? I dunno, you tell me.
actually cud I simply just blame on anything, or anyone? Have also been trying to 'be a good friend' to a girl who's devastated with her recent breakup with her bf. But my level of patience actually have a limit. I've never really become so 'nice' to a friend before, trying to say nice things to her seeing her so sad and all. Just hopefully she could someday see the brightness and beauty of life once again after courageously picked up the pieces.
just as I was typing this, cried. not becos of the same reason as how I started this crap. I wonder, maybe it is the same reason - overwhelmed. the mp3 at the same time, my god (thought i dont believe in god), I was online with somebody and Atlantic Starr's Masterpiece came on. and we were chatting about my disappointment of not getting any job offers. All these emotions rolling together into one. I was even reminded of the Pope and his death, suddenly I thought of offering moment of silence.
while driving home today, I was thinking to myself again, why am I such a l***r in getting a job, and why is my Karma that 'bad' that I deserve to be where I am? But then using common sense, I know that it's all about my own initiative, self-motivation and positive thinking that would put through any darkest hour. But how much more aspiration do I have inside my heart, that is slowly depleting each day, as the time passes and the clock ticking. I'm racing against time. I dunno why, who put me in this situation.
then i remember the meaningful conversation I had with KW, she poured out about her family problems to me. Although as bad a listener as I am, I tried to give 'myself' a chance to learn to listen to people. And then I found out how 'xinfu' (lucky) I am to be born into my parents arm, how blessed I am to be in a full-of-love family, with my mom acting as respectable 'big sister' to everyone and my dad being just him. I felt the emotion just reversed the moment I thought how 'xinfu' I am as compared to KW.
just as I thought i've recovered from emotional breakdown, I met up with my up-up-upline to get a packet of LuChun tea, there she told me my direct upline went to UK for few months - for WORK!
*sniff..sniff... the whole cycle of emotional pendulum sets in. I was even reminded of how I could have become an architect if I'd took up that course of study, and went on wondering if it's ever gonna be too late to do architecture. it just took me a glimpse of a beautiful house in ss3 along my route of driving home, that triggered my unsympathetic thoughts of 2 youths I know doing architecture in down under, under private college. Why...
why do I preach about Metta but couldn't practise Mudita?! How can I force myself to radiate empathy to people more fortunate than me? It wont be easy, its not inborn. There is alot of observation that I see in myself, it has gotta do with my too high expectation of myself, that is slowly tearing me up. I have a heart, that is too emotional, yet I have a mind, that I try to live up to.
during one traffic light stop, I pondered about non-self (Anatta). If only I have no ego, no feeling of belonging to attachment of myself, I can just be nice to anybody, even be really nice towards my difficult mother, if only I didn't hold so strongly, the existance of "I". If "I" could be anyone that my mom want me to be, if "I" could be nicer to the people around me when I positively want to express it, when "I" do not feel so stubborn to remain righteous, when "I" can humbly surrender and letgo, without losing any 'face'. When there is no "I", I can be anybody, I wont be me.
So here's the contradicting part, when I keep holding on to what "I" believe / aspire / want / desire / hope / dream / think of that I try to live up to, "I" become demotivated when "I" face with disappointment and guilt.
who say it's gonna be easy, to let go of me.
*sniff... it's not that. i forgot what I wanted to write about, but while I was driving home today, I thought of a friend who've just got a job right after her exams, a good job in fact. I know I'm more happy for her than not, but why couldn't I show that expression? Why do I feel like I have magnet inside my heart, a part of me is negative, but another big part of me wants to be as positive as I want to try to be. something that is pulling my mind and heart, like tearing it up apart.
am not sure if its visible from my face, as I know I couldn't really pretend to be what I'm not.
did u notice how hunchback I've become? really have no backbone. why? I dunno, you tell me.
actually cud I simply just blame on anything, or anyone? Have also been trying to 'be a good friend' to a girl who's devastated with her recent breakup with her bf. But my level of patience actually have a limit. I've never really become so 'nice' to a friend before, trying to say nice things to her seeing her so sad and all. Just hopefully she could someday see the brightness and beauty of life once again after courageously picked up the pieces.
just as I was typing this, cried. not becos of the same reason as how I started this crap. I wonder, maybe it is the same reason - overwhelmed. the mp3 at the same time, my god (thought i dont believe in god), I was online with somebody and Atlantic Starr's Masterpiece came on. and we were chatting about my disappointment of not getting any job offers. All these emotions rolling together into one. I was even reminded of the Pope and his death, suddenly I thought of offering moment of silence.
while driving home today, I was thinking to myself again, why am I such a l***r in getting a job, and why is my Karma that 'bad' that I deserve to be where I am? But then using common sense, I know that it's all about my own initiative, self-motivation and positive thinking that would put through any darkest hour. But how much more aspiration do I have inside my heart, that is slowly depleting each day, as the time passes and the clock ticking. I'm racing against time. I dunno why, who put me in this situation.
then i remember the meaningful conversation I had with KW, she poured out about her family problems to me. Although as bad a listener as I am, I tried to give 'myself' a chance to learn to listen to people. And then I found out how 'xinfu' (lucky) I am to be born into my parents arm, how blessed I am to be in a full-of-love family, with my mom acting as respectable 'big sister' to everyone and my dad being just him. I felt the emotion just reversed the moment I thought how 'xinfu' I am as compared to KW.
just as I thought i've recovered from emotional breakdown, I met up with my up-up-upline to get a packet of LuChun tea, there she told me my direct upline went to UK for few months - for WORK!
*sniff..sniff... the whole cycle of emotional pendulum sets in. I was even reminded of how I could have become an architect if I'd took up that course of study, and went on wondering if it's ever gonna be too late to do architecture. it just took me a glimpse of a beautiful house in ss3 along my route of driving home, that triggered my unsympathetic thoughts of 2 youths I know doing architecture in down under, under private college. Why...
why do I preach about Metta but couldn't practise Mudita?! How can I force myself to radiate empathy to people more fortunate than me? It wont be easy, its not inborn. There is alot of observation that I see in myself, it has gotta do with my too high expectation of myself, that is slowly tearing me up. I have a heart, that is too emotional, yet I have a mind, that I try to live up to.
during one traffic light stop, I pondered about non-self (Anatta). If only I have no ego, no feeling of belonging to attachment of myself, I can just be nice to anybody, even be really nice towards my difficult mother, if only I didn't hold so strongly, the existance of "I". If "I" could be anyone that my mom want me to be, if "I" could be nicer to the people around me when I positively want to express it, when "I" do not feel so stubborn to remain righteous, when "I" can humbly surrender and letgo, without losing any 'face'. When there is no "I", I can be anybody, I wont be me.
So here's the contradicting part, when I keep holding on to what "I" believe / aspire / want / desire / hope / dream / think of that I try to live up to, "I" become demotivated when "I" face with disappointment and guilt.
who say it's gonna be easy, to let go of me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
wow.. what a lunch meeting
How should I start? This story is somehow related to the SK forum that I joined not very long ago. Somehow my resume landed to the mailbox of KHA. After having read some of my postings in SK and my resume, he thought he must help me. (Apparently some big shot see me as someone with 'potential' just through my rambling & the way I think)
For a small fry like me, who's just coming to term with grasping the gist of life out of the comfort zone, it is always overwhelming to meet or to have met, or being associated with the big guns. I was almost shaking at my knees, but I had to keep up with the corporate image, and try to smile as humble as I could, although at times I dont know what the heck these people were talking about.
So AC is level 5? (Huh?! how do I not reveal the 'meijoonised' look when that question is posed to me?) What were they comparing about between Malaysia and India in terms of having CMMI? (luckily I remembered the jargon, and found the answers later thru surfing the net)
Back to why I was having this lunch date, there 2 agenda at the same table, and it was held during lunch, when you're suppose to eat and digest your food. I thought it was KHA's way of killing 3 birds with 1 stone! On one side of the table, he was dealing with some business with party, and on my side, KHA was trying to introduce me to one young CEO of a very promising technology development house which is making its mark overseas instead of locally, due to the niche market.
Actually I still cant believe that guy is younger than his looks. Seriously at only 30 or less than 30 and being CEO of his own profit-making SME, it just amazed me, how he could actually achieve all that impressive result by himself?! Even if he's got mentor or sponsor from other people, still he atleast must have that strong desire and immense capacity to make things work! My admiration goes out to these young technopreneur, my hats off to them.
But in the end, did I meet his eye? No. I was described by him as "too green" and "raw". I lack the experience, and even if came from AC, I wasn't involved with the 'in and out' of the business, which could be beneficial to him. He needed a 'sleek operator'. (halt -- I try so hard not to give him that doh face).
His english already so powderful, what more with all the jargons and technical terms they used. I wonder how could I even achieve half as what he's got in his belt by the time I'm his age?! His advice is for me to take risk, and be willing to do something else or just go ahead to gain more experience, in the industry. He said maybe after 1-2 years more experience, then maybe I'd be more useful to him :(
At that point, I was so tempted to want to brag, and try to convince him that I can do it whatever he wants me to do! But somehow, reality check, I know a guy like him who'd so sure of what he wants, will not buy in what I'm trying to sell which doesn't meet his requirement! A buyer will always have the priviledge to survey, and to choose the best valued product in the market!
If I want to start selling in a niche market, I must be able to stand out and proof to potential buyers its their lost of not buying me! ;P haha, crap on mei joon.
Another underlying question people will ask - what do you want?! Although I've asserted what I want, it is as though people can feel that there is 'more to what I can say I want'. I want to do so many things in my life, there is no ONE thing that I WANT, I just want to try everything, and do anything I like, and my list of interests is probably endless. All subjects in school I like, most channels on TV I watch, camping outdoor or indoor I've tried. Writing, travelling, picturetaking, meeting people and collecting stamps or postcards are my passion. Sports, music, politics, religion, or even finance I have a say.
What could possibly be my next job in line? Mr. KHA even asked if I wanna join the Sun, theStar or NST?! ;-D (in my head, I thought why not tv8 or Ntv7 as newscaster doh). I need to carry on my search for my next path of career, it is like back to square one. Like my astrology-consultant said to me, I'll always be studying. (if you could make sense of that?!).
Maybe I shouldn't think too much, just go with the flow. The flow now is learn Alcatel switch!! Irrrgggshhhhhh.....
For a small fry like me, who's just coming to term with grasping the gist of life out of the comfort zone, it is always overwhelming to meet or to have met, or being associated with the big guns. I was almost shaking at my knees, but I had to keep up with the corporate image, and try to smile as humble as I could, although at times I dont know what the heck these people were talking about.
So AC is level 5? (Huh?! how do I not reveal the 'meijoonised' look when that question is posed to me?) What were they comparing about between Malaysia and India in terms of having CMMI? (luckily I remembered the jargon, and found the answers later thru surfing the net)
Back to why I was having this lunch date, there 2 agenda at the same table, and it was held during lunch, when you're suppose to eat and digest your food. I thought it was KHA's way of killing 3 birds with 1 stone! On one side of the table, he was dealing with some business with party, and on my side, KHA was trying to introduce me to one young CEO of a very promising technology development house which is making its mark overseas instead of locally, due to the niche market.
Actually I still cant believe that guy is younger than his looks. Seriously at only 30 or less than 30 and being CEO of his own profit-making SME, it just amazed me, how he could actually achieve all that impressive result by himself?! Even if he's got mentor or sponsor from other people, still he atleast must have that strong desire and immense capacity to make things work! My admiration goes out to these young technopreneur, my hats off to them.
But in the end, did I meet his eye? No. I was described by him as "too green" and "raw". I lack the experience, and even if came from AC, I wasn't involved with the 'in and out' of the business, which could be beneficial to him. He needed a 'sleek operator'. (halt -- I try so hard not to give him that doh face).
His english already so powderful, what more with all the jargons and technical terms they used. I wonder how could I even achieve half as what he's got in his belt by the time I'm his age?! His advice is for me to take risk, and be willing to do something else or just go ahead to gain more experience, in the industry. He said maybe after 1-2 years more experience, then maybe I'd be more useful to him :(
At that point, I was so tempted to want to brag, and try to convince him that I can do it whatever he wants me to do! But somehow, reality check, I know a guy like him who'd so sure of what he wants, will not buy in what I'm trying to sell which doesn't meet his requirement! A buyer will always have the priviledge to survey, and to choose the best valued product in the market!
If I want to start selling in a niche market, I must be able to stand out and proof to potential buyers its their lost of not buying me! ;P haha, crap on mei joon.
Another underlying question people will ask - what do you want?! Although I've asserted what I want, it is as though people can feel that there is 'more to what I can say I want'. I want to do so many things in my life, there is no ONE thing that I WANT, I just want to try everything, and do anything I like, and my list of interests is probably endless. All subjects in school I like, most channels on TV I watch, camping outdoor or indoor I've tried. Writing, travelling, picturetaking, meeting people and collecting stamps or postcards are my passion. Sports, music, politics, religion, or even finance I have a say.
What could possibly be my next job in line? Mr. KHA even asked if I wanna join the Sun, theStar or NST?! ;-D (in my head, I thought why not tv8 or Ntv7 as newscaster doh). I need to carry on my search for my next path of career, it is like back to square one. Like my astrology-consultant said to me, I'll always be studying. (if you could make sense of that?!).
Maybe I shouldn't think too much, just go with the flow. The flow now is learn Alcatel switch!! Irrrgggshhhhhh.....
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