To say or not to say...

You know about my bro's big hooha solo-trip to US for training for a week... so this is my story. Well, my parents kept thinking that I'm jealous of my brother because he get to go to USA while I don't. Of course the natural reaction would be to answer "no I'm not jealous! why would I be jealous?"

Then because of this typical denial reaction, my dad will assume that you are jealous and will continue harping on it. Like saying "oh I've told your bro to tapao some snow in a bottle for you as souvenir".

*menjeling mata & doh*

Say if you rewind the whole conversation from the start, and you do not react the typical way of denying, say being silent or neutral.... whatever. Then my dad will say "why you got nothing to say? nothing to say because you jealous leh!"

*menjeling mata & doh*

So what I'm trying to conclude is that, in my family, talking to my parents is always like "sai-hei". You keep quiet - they react. You react - they react. And the whole point of me being jealous or not is not even a concern because I am (I believe I am) impartial and most of the time neutral! Maybe years back, when I was crazy about travelling, maybe then I'd feel envious of other people who get sent to overseas (far far away) for training, while knowing I don't stand a chance.

Now, esp now that I'm trying to comprehend the wisdom of the secret / positive mental imprints (Diamond Cutter book) & living in the present (Ven. Sanghasena's advice ingrained to my head).

Jealous or not jealous, that is not the question. While driving out of the house one night, after being barged by my parents about the whole how-to-skype-my-bro-in-US-drama... I thought of my pity cousin brother living in the same house. If only my cousin can even get half of the care & concern from parents (like mine).

My dad esp do not care for him, and have always disliked him. He doesn't have a dad who will care for him since he was 6 yo. His mom is kinda reserve & quiet, living alone in Taiping. Unlike being my brother, who has a good job, a nice gf, a charming look, a very positive outlook of life, a nice black persona to drive, extremely popular with his friends... and most significantly, my bro who receive most concern by parents who worry about him first time travelling to the other end of the globe!

So now you see, its not about me being jealous or being nonchalant. This world seems unfair in the sense that some ppl (like me & my bro) are so lucky and have such wonderful caring parents to thank for... while some people don't have a parent, or don't even have proper care & concern by parent, or their parent is just not there for them.

I am still stubborn afterall... I don't see myself changing my attitude to be nicer or more concern for people. I don't know 'how' not to doh people around me when they annoy me. But I'm beginning to know how NOT to get annoyed or not to react to potential annoyance.

If answering your parents is hopeless, and not answering is useless... better just remain silent. I read this Buddhist saying somewhere :

If what you wanna say is not true & not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true but not useful, don't say it.
If what you wanna say is true & useful, say it at the right time.

Ikea's kitchen inspiration & my style!

Has anybody checked out http://www.ikea.com.my/ lately? I'm having a fabulous time animating through the 'kitchen inspiration' >>A quick survey reveals that my 'style' according to ikea > country >> You're a romantic. The simple things in life give you the most pleasure. You find yourself happiest surrounded by nature and the great outdoors. Sometimes people think you're a retro sort of person because nothing pleases you more than a blast from the past. This is the kitchen style we can see you in. Well no doubt one look at it, of course I like it! But for practical reason, if its so white, with my messy lifestyle, I won't be able to maintain it sparkling clean & white for the long run! *unless its true indeed that sayang is a gem with the household cleaning* Here's what I found from the web which is in accordance to what I wish and perhaps more suitable to my our new home > simple n' brown >>Maybe according to my imagination, the countertop lighting makes the kitchen stylish esp for a new urban home!

Anyway, here's my other favourite design style from ikea (when I view all), and I had to randomly pick the survey answers to try to get a match to this picture, well not too hard > Scandinavian >> You're into timeless designs and is truly fascinated with pine and strong folkloristic colours. You want quality, functionality, practically and confort in your kitchen. Here's a look to make you feel right at home.

Okay, for this other kitchen that I might fancy, but I don't dig the black/white combo for a kitchen, but its still nice to my eyes... not sure what's the inspiration >

Hey, when I redo the survey by changing the answers abit, guess what's my style now? > Modern >>You're trendy and stylish and you know contrast is cool. Your opinions matter and you're not afraid to make it heard. We know your kitchen shouts out your fashion statement so we've got just the perfect one for you.

Wait a minute... How can my style be country and then be modern? Now you see why I tell people I'm so "P" as in mbti-P-for-Perceiving and you see how I have the contradictory temperaments of being choleric and phlegmatic?! Another crazy way to describe me -- I don't care but I care or I care but I don't care.

Anyway, whatever I like, have to meet with what sayang likes. Somehow we're gonna have to agree to disagree, or just give & take. But its safe to say, for most of the ideas with regards to design & taste ~ we can agree! I like to take food as example, we both like fish & chips for western, we don't like black-colour-looking food when we were young, we don't like slimy food *think brinjal/ladyfingers*, we don't eat durian, we both like soya bean / tofu, I don't eat seafood except fish & lala, he don't eat seafood except fish & calamari...

A point to note, sayang being very "J", he's most likely gonna be calling the shots... 'cause by the time I decide which one I actually like more... mosquito will doze off! *Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

My parents... my brother's parents

Though I'm trying to practise planting positive/good imprints into my head (currently reading the Diamond Cutter), it's back to my usual antics of being rude & sarcastic with my parents... when they're trying to show too much concern for my brother.

If only I ever become a parent, I won't know why parents must be so 'concern' over their 26-yo son first time travelling to U.S.A. In my mind, I know that the best way to learn, is by experience it on your on, not being spoonfed with all the information. If my mom is going to go shopping to buy winter jacket for my brother... I tell you...

They were just annoying me with "how far is the airport away from the town? do you think there is enough time for your bro to visit the town with about x-hour of time to spare on transit? do you think he knows how to reset his watch? how much of money is needed during transit in Frankfurt?..."

Number 1. There is the Internet. Oh ya my bro is not Internet freak, he probably dunno what he dunno. But I feel that its ok to be lost... what's wrong by being clueless in a situation where you can have the opportunity to ASK to find out what you did not KNOW? Why should parents feed in all the information and to make sure everything goes smoothly so that there's no chance of any hiccup that can ever happen to my bro (& me too).

I remembered mom bought all the medications that I could possibly need for me to bring to Ladakh, India. I didn't use any except the Rexodon vitamins. My parents are now very concern for my bro's trip to Philly, with very cold temperature.. they're wondering how 'cold' is 4 degree. Like you know is cold, so bring winter jacket lah! Oh that probably not enough... need long-john.. need glove... need wind-breaker... blah blah...

My mom knows that both me and brother don't care much about what happen... cos whatever happens happen. And they know that we're brave.. to travel alone... so why are they still so concern?!

My parents are such super duper one of a kind. My mom is now busying with the suitcases, trying to see which one is more suitable for my bro... while my bro is outside doing his own stuff... here my mom is trying to mess with his suitcase! Later before my bro departure.. they're surely going to tell him what to do, where to go, how much money to change, tell him about the diff time zone, reminder on passport etc...

For me, I settle everything by myself.. now that Im dragged into settling for my bro... ish.. super duper DOH!

What is your goal in life?

Last Thursday, I went to yet again another BOP, this time its P-insurance. That's when I've been reminded again "where is your goal post?". The speaker asked what's David Beckham really good at -- free kick. So when Beckham start to position the ball, and start to kick the ball, he lift up his head and.... there's no goal post... so how is he going to kick the ball? Where to kick the ball to?

Today at EMT, where I only came for the last part of the session, I manage to listen on the subject of "you must plan your life, if you don't plan your life other people will plan for you!". Be in your career, in your social life, things you wish to do... plan for it! Somehow he also quoted example from how he give his talk at the pre-marriage course, where he often ask couples what's your objective of getting married? Always begin with the end in mind...

So for the BOP when the try-very-hard-to-be-funny-speaker asked me "so there's no goal post, so where to kick the ball?" and I answered "just kick straight lah!"

"but there's no goal post how to kick?" ... ok I don't wanna get funny with him. In my simple mind, at that instant moment, I thought about how I have a very simple outlook / thinking of my life.

Honestly you ask me now what's my goal 5,10,20 years down the road... a big part of me say... I don't care. If you ask me what's my career goal then I got better answer... but lifestyle goal? Doh...

I guess being so influenced by Buddhism, and by my parents upbringing, and being with the friends that I be with... the lifestyle that I want, is the lifestyle that I'm already living.

"What is your dream car?" Then I answered : Honda City.

"Har? DREAM car woh!! What car are you driving now?" I cheekily answered : Honda City.

"You already driving City then no need dream lah!" Exactly.

Well talking about interest in doing your own business, you know how many people idle-talk about owning your own business. I just wonder off into my imagination world, that if I ever were to startup a business, become my own boss, why not be in the business that I like?! OK so there's risk, no-experience, big-capital, possibility of failure, hardship... well that's why I'm still just an employee.

Having listened to sayang's point of view abt his disagreement of the multi-tier business model, I guess I can learn from him... (not to say I'm going to reject outrightly all the offer to attend BOP) but I need to standfirm to learn to say no to things that doesn't interest me at all! EVEN if it means missing on the 'opportunity' of being business partner.

And I just imagined... that one day if I were to get involve in a business... why not flower business? why not providing service business? why not a doing something that I really like although its much harder, higher-risk, no-proven-track-record, lower ROI.

Alright.. u get my crap. I'm not cut out to be rich. I cannot imagine how can I retire young with no work to do... even if I'm 55 or 65... you know how I respond to the question of child education fund? *mind talk* Ehloh if mummy can enter form 6 then so why not u? (though im lucky enuff to skip form 6 & went straight diploma instd) Ehloh... if ur grandma no money to send me overseas to study why shud i so susah save up all my hard earn money for u to go overseas? u sendiri earn ur money to go overseas next time lah! ngiekngiekngiek...

Oh ya the question of save now spend later... is very good I know. But I also have this silly thought... you know my most expensive spending is on my travels... if I don't travel when I'm young now, wait until old only travel, although very rich that time, I won't have the same enthusiasm/passion/energy to travel unlike when I'm young lor!!

By the looks of it... hopefully I don't have to live too long! Haha.

Random thoughts over Beng's wedding

I was the only female on the table with 5 other male coursemates. There were 3 other guys from dunno where, whom we didn't talk to.

All for the sake of being there for my uni coursemates based in penang. Out of all the 10-odd of them, I guess Beng is one of the closest, and I don't have any better excuse not to go, so I went! In less than 24hours I'm back home in PJ.

~*~

I also come to accept that I am very kaypoh. I don't know why I just 'need to know'. Like what is happening... who is doing what... who's still single.. when did lkc came back from england... I even annoy lkc for always asking / need to know but dunno why i need to know.

Then I remembered this conversation with sayang, that he realised that I just need to know the answer, after knowing the answer then I'm satisfied. So sayang knowing me, he just have to put up with me and my curiosity... and don't question me back "why you need to know?"

If anybody can help me to asnwer "why I need to know" and I'll be glad to find out.

~*~

Each time when I see a bride and groom on the stage wine pouring & toasting... and seeing everybody fixing their eyes on the couple on stage esp the bride... my mind goes "she's pretty, her dress is nice, she has the body to fit the dress!"

Then I imagine myself... whoaah... such a fat body on stage, letting everybody gawking at my fat body for so long in those bare-shoulder/sleeveless/can see cleavage gown. Cham, then fat people no need to get married?!!

Issh... no wonder I like the nyonya-kebaya costume which is really cool. Short-sleeve-cheongsam is nice to me (provided I freeze my breathing tucking in the tummy then I'll be dead). Ahh.. nevermind if the Malays can wear the long-sleeve-lacy-kebaya that will cover up all the fatty body parts... what can I wear?!!

Don't ask me to go lose weight or exercise to keep fit, or stop eating (as and when I wish)... I just wonder why must girls be put through so much vanity to look beautiful... even if you're not a vain person, you often always see lenglui in nice sexy dresses around and everybody will be looking at them!

And if they're fat, their dress wrap their body too tight.. and the people will say "eeeh look she's so fat, like bao bak chang like that!"

Siggh... no wonder darwism make sense at times. The beautiful pretty people gets further easier in their life / career. Just watch Ugly Betty! Although fat girls might imagine that someday they'd be looking stunning on stage with everybody gazing at them, I just cannot imagine what happen to all the out-of-shape girls? Will they be able to stand on stage just as proudly without feeling inferior of how they look?

Why do girls bother how other girls look sooooooooooo much?! Why do girls fancy pretty dresses so much?

I guess my crap is going no where... I know I'm not going to go on any regime, unlike one of highschool friend who was very fat in her early teens, because she wanted to wear the sexy dresses just like other slim girls, she went on to cut rice and eat less and successfully shed the kilos... just to WEAR the sexy dresses to party! I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT BUT I'm GUILTY for WISHING THAT I COULD FIT IN THAT DRESS!

barely breathing

Heading off to Penang afternoon by bus from Pudu, just 2 lrt stop away from my office. Very sleepy every night. No time to blog crap.

Wishing for a day of rest... say a day with nothing to do.

I overheard a conversation "time passes really fast..."

"yeah esp this year!"

It's going to be November and I haven't get my new house key.

I think better go sleep now... just finish the sunday school appreciate nite menu card thingy. Newsletter will be fresh from the oven by this Saturday for distribution at the dinner. Will be rushing back from Penang to vihara.

Why am I always barely breathing...

To do list piling up...

Finally got the CS3 to work, the trick was to copy the entire dvd content into c: drive... like DOH! Wasting time. Well, don't ask me how I get so cranky lately.

I've so much stuff to clear from my to-do list, I wish I have more time. But given if I have more time, I wish I have more hands. There's lotsa articles coming in this time of the year.. and the funniest piece I read so far from a 12 year old, on How can Buddhism help me?

"Buddhism can help us when we are dead, because it help us determine whether we will go to hell or heaven, reborn as animal, ghost or Arahant etc. Buddhism can prevent me from breaking precepts. Buddhism can also lead us to end samsara so that we don't need to suffer anymore. I hope that through this story I wrote could advise people to learn more about Buddhism."

I guess for now, after 'san' everything to sayang already, no more energy left to blog about it. One of the strain came from problem girl from school, who suddenly called my house phone to talk the same rubbish, and it was so difficult for me to try to end the car. I was not in the mood to 'help' her that evening having a loaded head. Such a pity I do not have the medicine or a cure to her sickness, feeling quite helpless listening to her ramble on and on about her obsession about a man who had made her life miserable. I don't know this person. She explained to me who he is and expect me to 'know' and she needed affirmation, that what she say is true.

...anyway, may she be well and happpy. I honestly have no ability to help her. I don't think by 'lending my ears' is of any use.

While crapping about so many things to do... I'm secretly wishing that I have a pda phone now, to help to remember things. To synch all my calendar.

From puja mtg.. i had to dos...
From bisds mtg... also got to dos...
From ladakh trip... coming back also got to dos...
Friends wedding... also need to dos...

What a life!

Y08Q4 Update

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, with all my past (good) karma *hopefully my past been good* that the pathetic economy won't hit me directly. On the second day of work, there was this email notifying about freezing headcount. At first I felt so lucky and thankful that I already got in *phew, then only they start to freeze headcount. Later when I tell dad about it, again he scared me: "huh, later they counted the heads got extra, they cut you because you joined last..." *choi! choi! touch wood! where got ppl curse me like that wan... *

Then it dawned on me, that I'm still under probation, I'm confirmed YET! *shit!

So now I will try my best to be very useful, and add value to the team. Since without msn & personal email access, I have no choice but to just do office work. I was thinking to upgrade my mobile phone to which has wifi connection, so atleast can msn from the mobile device! Maybe have to consider subscribe to maxis broadband service too... (if stay new house takda internet mati aku)

Actually very hard to slack at work, my teamlead sits directly behind me, she can talk to me directly without raising her voice. The partition for each cubicles lower than that in excompany... every monitor screen I can see is displaying either coding or intranet. Funny facebook is not blocked! Hmm... maybe the chinese dudes manning the web-filter don't play facebook :P doh!

~*~

There's alot of friends wedding coming up... infact somebody in sunsch was teasing me that each time there's an important event organised by the school, it somehow co-incide with my friend's wedding. Which is no lie...

14sep - student trip to FRIM / Melaka friend wedding
1nov - appreciate nite for the school / coursemate wedding in Penang
14dec - staff fellowship trip to jeram besu / highschool friend wedding where I'm photographer

Anyway, I'm glad that I don't have to burn my kuching flight ticket to attend coursemate Magdalene's wedding on 11nov... which clashed with new induction programme. I managed to get HR to switch me for dec, I thought headcount freeze means no more induction programme manatau still got another one in dec! :D *yay

~*~

United!

Will make a quick entry about my new job...

bad :
- no personal email access from office (yahoo mail & gmail is blocked)
- no msn
- no laptop to bring home to abuse
- not as near as excompany
- not in PJ (where I can get mom to pick me up anytime, say go to Uptown...)

....but notice all that kinda superficial level right.

good :
- teamlead is soooo nice & humble! (well maybe its just the first day)
- teamlead has so many soft toys on her desk, its so easy to sweet talk her
- teamlead and teammates actually go to lunch TOGETHER and me & the other new girl are most welcome to join them!
- reminds me of my UPM days where everybody converse in Mandarin... topic of interest 'baby milk' and 'where to find cheapest food' and 'where is my hometown'... so typical! (not forgetting everyone is ever ready with an umbrella)
- they don't talk about work / people during lunch!
- most of them can laugh or know how to laugh!
- nobody gives me the creeps, like saying 'oh you must watch out for so-&-so....'
- infact the manager / ladyboss (ya my karma with female bosses!!) has no issue with time, I can come and go anytime I want, not following the official time, as long as I finish my work!
- nice to know that its OK to leave at 5.45pm sharp ;)
- company have better purchasing power to use more tools / systems for IT work.
- so I get to learn & use the latest version of the Unicenter product (excompany will not wanna upgrade)
- there is no SLA to meet! *wakakakakkakakaa!!!!* (now here's a lubang for me to suggest to them on best practices in IT services... but really its bringing pain to myself, having all the miserable SLA target to meet monthly... its good for the company no doubt... do I wanna put the good of the company before me?)

...well isn't it good enough?

Infact I think the lrt rides, having to switch train & walk abit is good exercise! Or actually, I treat it as opportunity for me to reflect with my time alone, just me and my breathing. Its not easy for me to find this 'time' with just me and my mind, where I have to learn to tame the mind. *wish the air ventilation inside the train was much better, so I don't have to feel no air when trying to breath deeply inside the crowded train*

Let's enjoy and live by the moment. This I've taken home with me from my Ladakh trip, from ven sanghasena.... to live in the present. Worry not of the future, just do your best / stay focus in every present moment.

Ladakh - the land of the extremes!

There's alot of words to describe this magnificent awesome place call Ladakh! But nothing beats showing you pictures, of why I like this place... well there's reasons to make yo wanna think twice about coming back here again.... but one of the few things that I deeply treasure about this trip:-

1. Opportunity to meet Ven Sanghasena & the chance to listen to the very sincere, full of wisdom & compassion, frank but funny Dhamma sharing.

2. The exceptionally warm welcome & hospitality shown by the children! Honestly, on the first day of my arrival at Mahabodhi, listening to the voice of the children singing welcome-song in their own style, and bowing to you, and offering you lovely flowers as you walk pass all the children lining up to greet you endlessly... believe me, my heart sank.

The beauty of Mahabodhi, lies not just on the picture perfect snow-capped moutain view surrounding you... but on the warm smiles of the children, esp the very cute little ones... you just don't know where they get the Metta look from! Maybe they all inherit from their most respected venerable Sanghasena. I have utmost respect for this Theravada-trained monk, who encourage non-sectarian approach, who encourage the order of nuns just as much as for monks, who place education as primary agenda to curb poverty in poor Ladakh for the people.

It's amazing to find out how a visionery monk can truly inspire me. For the whole week when we're in Ladakh, we were being constantantly reminded to 'live here and now'. It was quite easy, to just breath in / out, and not let the mind wander off. I was just being there. I also realised something about 'change' / 'growth' ... and I managed to survive without digital communication for nearly a week! It is indeed possible! When there is no signal.. no sms service... no internet... and the mind is living by the present moment.... I do not have to be slave to my handphone and the computer! The only thing I've not yet learnt to letgo is my digital camera.

I took about 2000 pictures... I had to delete some earlier photos to fit it a few Delhi pictures on my last day in India.

Some of the difficulties that I have to endure at Ladakh:

1. The very cold temperature in the early morning / at night.... so much so I hardly bath. Freezing weather!

2. The mountain view is incredible no doubt, but the bumpy winding journey up the mountain makes me very dizzy, worst when I tried play with my camera while on the move.

3. The milk is really not for me. Though they always humbly serve us milk tea and most flask contain milk instead of hot water. I could not take the smell of their milk! Infact, on the first day in Ladakh, I vomitted. I don't know why I vomitted except that I know I'm embarrassed that I couldn't enjoy their food.

This trip also made me feel so thankful for Malaysian food! Now I love thosai / roticanai with dal & milo drink & nasi-lemak with aromatic sambal even more!

....ven. Sanghasena, you inspire!